


The Lighthouse

by Ecrooked24



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, idiots to lovers, lighthouse au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 114,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24906001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecrooked24/pseuds/Ecrooked24
Summary: In a small town on the coast of Washington, Catra is the town screw up who after a life of drugs use and petty crime is finally trying to get her life together. But the death of her abusive adoptive mother drags her back into the thick of her past and trauma. A trip to her old childhood hideout-- an abandoned lighthouse--  leads to an unexpected meet up with the new lighthouse keeper: Adora-- a girl on the run from her own life and looking for a fresh start.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), background scorpia/perfuma
Comments: 745
Kudos: 1044





	1. Of What Has Been, and What Can Never Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! so I am basically projecting my like dream ideal future onto Catra and Adora here. Washington. Lighthouse. Romance. So if you want to project with me feel free
> 
> The Lighthouse -Nickel Creek https://open.spotify.com/track/05HjafWVI238CLw5RDNkas?si=GhY8ukXySi64dz6OM_zzvA

_And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea._

_And the winds that blow remind me,_

_Of what has been, and what can never be._

The house was no different from the last time Catra stepped foot inside. Shaggy blue 70s carpet pocked with burn marks and littered with cigarette butts and ash. The walls were bare. No keepsakes. No childhood photos. Old furniture scattered across the room. So musty and old, that as she walked through the room Catra held the back of her hand up to her nose. She stopped at the side of tan recliner—wine stains splattered across the arms. And beside it a small side table with wine glasses and folded newspapers competing for the small space. Her adopted mother’s—Sharon Weaver—favorite spot. Which Catra usually avoided.

She picked up one of the glasses and held it up to look at the lip gloss mark on the edge of the cup. “Things didn’t change much after I left did they?”

No one responded. But glancing over the dingy room again, she realized she was wrong. This place had always felt dark and heavy, but now the decay manifested physically. Mold and dust and dirt covering every surface without Catra there to do all the cleaning.

She wasn’t sure what she thought she would find here. A sense of closure? Maybe nostalgia? But there was nothing. Nothing connecting her to the home she grew up in.

Catra wandered deeper down the hallways. Memories rose up with the dust. Sharp words followed by the smack of a palm against skin. Shouted matches. Frozen in silence straining to hear if she was going to be caught stealing food from the kitchen. As she walked, she subconsciously took the path she still had memorized, avoiding the places where the floor creaked. She peered into her old room. Everything was gone. Clothes, furniture, band posters on the wall. Weaver probably threw them out as soon as Catra ran away. She saw a little kid curled into the shadows of the corner, eyes screwed shut in fear. But when she blinked, she was gone. Catra moved on, leaving the past in the past.

She knew she was avoiding the hallway. Walking through the whole house without even looking at it. She could just leave it be. There was no one here to prove anything too. But it had been years, so maybe now it wouldn’t bother her.

With the first step, she knew she had been dead wrong. But she wasn’t one to back down even if it was to her detriment—probably especially so.

She took another step and then froze. The closet door was closed like it always was. But as she got closer, darkness seemed to leak from the cracks. Spreading across the walls and floor. Reaching for her. Trying to pull her in. A deep rhythmic beat pulsing with it. A whispered word mixing with it. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. As the furthest tentacle twisted around her ankle, she swore she saw the handle of the closet turn. Ready to open. Ready to swallow her whole.

The paralysis burned into a panic, and she sprinted down the hall. Past the looming closet, through the house, and out the front door. She plopped down on the concrete steps and tried to breathe again. Her heart raced. That’s what the pounding had been. Just her heartbeat.

It wasn’t really. She knew it wasn’t. But that didn’t mean it didn’t feel real.

How useless could she be? Couldn’t even walk through the house without it getting to her. Weaver would laugh at her, trembling there on the ground.

Catra rubbed her hand across her face. “Damn I could use a hit right now.”

Honestly, she knew just where to get one too. She was half tempted to jump on her bike and ride out to the spots she knew her old dealers would be. But her therapist’s words echoed over the urge. It won’t make you feel better in the long run. You’ll only feel worse.

Sighing, she let her head fall between her knees. All she needed to do was distract herself. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone. A few swipes and it starting dialing.

The voice that picked up on the other end was perky and loud. “Hello?”

“Hey Scorpia, it’s Catra.”

“Wildcat! It’s so nice to hear from you! How are you doing? How is Entrapta? How are the classes going?”

Catra had to hold the phone away from her head to save her ear drums from bursting at the volume. But a smile came to her face at Scorpia’s antics.

“I’m doing good. Entrapta is good too, but I’m actually not in the city right now. You heard about what happens to Weaver right?”

Scorpia voice got quiet. “Oh yeah. I’m sorry Catra. Is this something we are sad about or—”

“It’s fine. I’m glad the old hag is dead. But she left her house and all her things to me, so now I’m back in town to deal with that.”

“Do you need any help? Perfuma and I would love to help.”

Yeah I um…” Catra sucked in a long breath. This was the hard part. “Do you think I could maybe, um, stay at your place for a while? Just while I get things figured out with the house?”

“Of course!” Catra’s ears rung at that. “We’ll get the guest bedroom all ready for you!”

Catra felt the weight on her chest lift. “Scorpia you’re the best.”

“You know… I could use some help at the store,” Scorpia said. “If you wanted—just while you’re here—I could give you a job. Doing the paperwork and stuff. I’m awful at that stuff and I know you’re pretty good at it. I could really use the help?”

When she left the city, she had to leave her job. Her boss had promised she could have it back when she was done taking care of her business but making some money between now and then would be ideal. And make her feel less like a burden, a useless weight on Scorpia. Working would be good for her. Keep her mind busy and off… other things.

“I mean if it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”

“Yay Catra! You can start tomorrow! Come on over to the house and we can talk more.”

“Sounds good,” Catra said. “I’m going to make a stop first and then I’ll be right over.”

They said their goodbyes—Scorpia’s longer than really necessary but Catra couldn’t complain when she was just glad her relationship that Scorpia was talking to her again after everything she had done—and Catra put away her phone.

She got to her feet and walked to the driveway. Donning her helmet, she straddled her bike and started the engine. The thrum rumbled through her body. The engine revved and she pulled away from her childhood home and out onto the street. The town and all its pine trees rushed by as she drove. The tiny school with its billboard reading ‘welcome back to school’ even though it was October. The store and diner and gas station with only two real stop lights between it all. Flickering and water damaged neon signs. Damp back alleys she knew hid more than a few dumpsters. Her hometown hadn’t changed much either. It all felt the same. But Catra wasn’t sure how different she was.

She couldn’t be the same right? For one, she hadn’t taken—or sold—any drugs in months. And she hadn’t stolen anything in over a year. Now that was a far cry from the Catra that had prowled these same wet streets during her teenage years. It had been fun, but she knew now that the fun didn’t last but the consequences did. They were still chasing her. But Weaver followed her too. Maybe she’d never escape her either.

The town faded behind her as she sped along the highway. Hugging the coast. Cliffs and beach and sea on one side with dense green forest on the other. It didn’t take long to get to where she was headed. She leaned in closer to the bike. Cutting through the wind to go faster. Turning a wide corner, the top of the lighthouse peeked through the trees. She drove as closely as she could to it, but the building was out on an island of its own. No bridge or road connecting it to the mainland.

Catra hopped off of her bike and pulled it into a clump of trees to hide it from anyone passing on the highway. Not that there were many people on the road this morning. She had only passed a couple so far.

She crossed the street and headed towards the lighthouse. The tide was low so normally where the sea would have curled around the little island were now dark sand, wet rocks, and tide pools. Catra peered into them as she jumped from rock to rock. Crabs and little fish darted into the cracks and caves when she got close. The side of the lighthouse’s island facing road sloped upward in a gradual incline until reaching the flat top where the building sat, while the side faces the ocean was rough and steep with the wind and waves beating against the cliffs.

The path she always took up the hill was still there, and she followed it without having to looking at the rocky ground. Her feet already knew the path as well as her eyes. Instead she looked at the tall building. The first floor was a small rectangle building with the tower coming out of one side and going up two more stories. The thing looked like it was ready to fall apart. Siding had been ripped off exposing rotten trusses. Windows were shattered. The roof looked like it was ready to cave in. She didn’t think the lamp at the top could even be lit anymore. As far as she knew, Catra was the only one that had spent much time in it in decades. But the dilapidated old lighthouse felt more like home then any other place ever had.

If she really wanted to, she could look into squatters’ rights. Through all the years she’d spent so much time, even through nights and storms, in the lighthouse, maybe she could claim ownership. Then she could fix it up. She’d have the money too when she sold Weaver’s house. Catra’s shoulders slumped at the thought. She didn’t want to see that house again let alone spend weeks cleaning it. A few minutes had left her a panicking mess. She shook her head to push away the idea. The last thing she needed was a bunch of legal paperwork to fill out and a government official asked for all her information. It would never happen. She would just continue her habit of periodically squatting.

Catra stepped up to the door and pushed it open. Something sat in the way blocking the door from opening all the way. She threw her shoulder against it a few times until she burst inside. She kicked at the brick that had blocked her entrance, quietly cursing when it actually hurt her toe.

Someone had definitely been inside. The floor was still covered in sand, she could see where someone had tried to sweep it away. The old abandoned furniture had been shifted around to new spots. And boards covered up the broken windows facing the ocean, blocking out the sea breeze. It made Catra’s chest burn a little with anger. This had always been her place to go. Alone. But pushed the flare of anger away. She’d been gone a long time. It was okay for some things to change.

Moving to the ladder, Catra began to climb. She skipped the second floor and climbed all the way to the top, pushing the hatch open and pulling herself up into the lantern room. There were no walls, only the small domed roof above. Catra circled around the lantern in the center for a moment. Shattered glass showed a kaleidoscope picture of her reflection.

She turned and sat at the edge of the floor, letting her feet dangle over the side and her arms rest of the bottom rung of the railing. The old metal groaned a little when she pressed on it, but Catra didn’t need railing to feel safe up here. The height had never bothered her.

The sea tossed and crashed beneath her and gray clouds sunk closer to the earth. It would probably rain soon. She should leave before it starts, so she doesn’t arrive at Scorpia’s soaked to the bone. But something kept her there.

Being up there always made Catra feel big. Like she blended with the sky and storms until she couldn’t find herself anymore. Part of something huge and strong and untamable.

But today she couldn’t shake the feeling from the house. The closet. Feeling trapped and claustrophobic even out in the open air. Focused breathing like her therapist had taught her wasn’t working. A seagull cawed nearby, and she heard the word again, carried on the wind. Worthless. She gripped the railing and closed her eyes, trying to tone it out, but it seemed to reverberate in her mind.

Then another sound hit her ears. Faint and distant. Crying. Quiet sobs. Catra opened her eyes, but there was only the sea in open highway around her. She caught the sound again as it filtered up from the open hatch in the floor.

Catra’s eyes went wide. Was there a freaking ghost in the lighthouse? That would definitely be new.

The hair on the back of her neck stood on end. But she couldn’t not check it out now. Catra eased herself down the ladder, moving from each wrung slow to keep the wood from creaking. The closer she got to the ground floor the louder the crying got. She stepped off the last wrung and took a deep breath. Staring at her hands still holding on to the ladder. It probably was just all in her head. Like the closet. Just another thing she’d have to talk to her therapist about.

The crying stopped with a sharp breath.

Catra bit her lip and flipped around.

A tall blonde girl stared back at her. Shadows and beams of light from the broken windows cast across her and tear stained cheeks, strong jaw and cheekbones softened by the lighting. All framing sea blue eyes. Catra’s heart somehow started to race faster. She was the prettiest ghost Catra had ever seen.

The girl’s eyes locked on to her and for a long moment they sat in shocked silence.

Until the girl’s mouth fell open, and she screamed and Catra screamed back.


	2. Probably Better Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> The Town That You Live In -Sherwood
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/track/0ujbnCbXVJ6lW7562rA0P0?si=jAFg0A25TGyYO2tdrdoS-g

_And tonight I walk through an empty street,_

_With my shadow stretching in front of me,_

_When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet,_

_And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life,_

_So hang up the phone cause you're probably better alone_

The girl continued to scream, backing away from her. The heel of her boot caught on the edge of a loose floorboard, and her feet flew out from under her. She tumbled to the ground—cutting off her scream with a grunt—and sending up a plume of dust.

Even covered in dirt Catra couldn’t help but notice how pretty she was.

Catra shook her head to break out of the trance. “What the _hell_ are you doing in here?”

“What am _I_ doing there?” The girl caught the edge of an old table to try and pull herself up. But the wood gave out under her weight, and she fell back to the ground with an ‘oof’. Finally, she scrambled back up to her feet, and pointed a long finger at Catra. “What are you doing in here?”

Catra face twisted into a snarl. “I can do you whatever I want. It’s not like you own this place.”

“I literally do!” The girl shouted, her face red and arms waving in frustration.

“What?” Catra’s angry exterior had confusion added on top.

“This is my house. I bought it.” The girl sucked in a deep breath. “And you are trespassing. You scared the crap out of me!”

“Do you…” Catra looked around again at the dirt and destruction of the room then back at the girl, her dark jeans and oversize beige cable sweater covered in more dirt then just from her tumble. “Live here?”

“Yeah. I have for a week.” The girl faltered, her angry arm waving and flashing eyes losing all their gusto.

But Catra still felt like she might explode. Like she’d been violated. The one place that had always been hers now wasn’t. The one thing she really didn’t want to change, had. All because of this blonde wanted to be a hipster and live in a lighthouse. She stole it from her.

Catra took a breath, ready to tear into this girl. But when she looked back at the blue eyes, Catra didn’t see a rich girl with a stupid bucket list. She saw bagged eyes and sagging shoulders. Tired, lonely, and afraid of the anger Catra was ready to unleash on her. Bracing for the hurt like someone who was used to receiving it. Catra had seen that look enough times on her own face to recognize it. And the fire sputtered and died inside of her.

“I, uh… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Catra said. Woah her therapist would be proud of her.

The girl rubbed the back of her neck. “You didn’t scare me.”

“The screaming and falling could have fooled me.”

Her face went red again. “Yeah well you have some random girl sneak up on you in your house like a freaking ghost and see how you react.”

“I thought you were a ghost too. One of those crying ones you hear about in the movies.”

“I wasn’t—”

“Don’t even try to lie.” Catra put her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face. “Unless there is some other ghost in this place.”

“Whatever.” The girl kicked at the dirt with her boot. “Why are you here anyway?”

Catra’s arms fell lip at her side. What the hell. She would tell this stranger. It’s not like she’d ever talk to this girl or come to this place again after this. “When I was a kid, I used to hang out here a lot. It was my place to get away from things. I was back in town and wanted to visit. So I’m not here to rob or murder you or anything.”

A flash of something—maybe sympathy or understanding—appeared in the girl’s eyes for a moment, widening as Catra told her little story. But just as quickly the girl steeled her face back into an unfeeling mask.

“I’m sorry for your loss I guess, but this is my home now and I want to be alone. So it’s best that you go.”

Catra’s generous attitude came screeching to a halt. After sharing her side, she hadn’t expected to be thrown out so swiftly.

Still the girl continued, “I won’t press charges or anything as long as you don’t trespass again—”

“Trust me,” Catra cut her off from continuing. “I won’t bother you again, princess. Why would I want to come to this place with an uptight bitch like you here?”

The girl gasped, mouth opening and closing as she tried to find a retort. Finally she fixed her eyes on the wall behind Catra and clenched her fists at her side—and Catra definitely didn’t spend a few seconds too long looking at how the veins in her forearms exposed beneath the rolled sleeves of her sweater popped with the strain—and said through her teeth, “You should leave.”

Catra pulled her keys from her pocket. “Already on my way princess.”

She let her shoulder hit the girl’s as she passed, but the girl was made of bricks or something and didn’t even budge while Catra went stumbling. Catra dashed to the door then, hoping the girl hadn’t noticed the fumble. But when she looked back over her shoulder, she was in the same position: body tense, eyes fixed on a single point. Glint of new tears forming.

Catra felt a tug in her chest, but it was too late now. The girl had been the one to the throw the gauntlet down, not her. And Catra wouldn’t back down just because the girl couldn’t take the heat.

Catra stepped outside and let the door slam shut behind her, the whole building creaking in protest. She made her way down the hill much faster than up and was at her bike in no time. Pulling it from the bushes, she hopped on, but before she put on her helmet, she cast a glance at the lighthouse. She couldn’t see the girl through the windows though. Must have finally gotten herself unstuck from that spot.

“What a weirdo,” Catra huffed and put on her helmet. The engine roared beneath her and sped off down the highway back to town.

The whole drive Catra replayed the interaction over in her mind. Thinking up new insults. Mock mimicking the things the girl had said. How annoying could she be?

She was pulling into Scorpia’s driveway before she even knew it. The engine must have tipped her off because the woman came barreling out of the house. Catra barely had time to get off the bike before Scorpia smashed into her, lifting her off her feet in a hug.

“Wildcat! It’s so good to see you! You look so good! And your bike is so cool!”

Catra struggled to catch her breath but hugged her back. “Thanks Scorpia. You look good too. Have you been working out?”

Scorpia dropped her, and Catra barely kept herself from falling on her butt.

“Do you think so?” Scorpia flexed her arms and even beneath her flannel, Catra could see a bulging bicep. “I’ve been lifting so many boxes and crates and things at the store, I think it’s really paying off. Now I’m even better at giving hugs.”

Scorpia reached out to hug her again, but Catra held her hands up to stop her. “Is Perfuma here too? I haven’t seen her in forever.”

“Yeah she’s inside! She made a late lunch for you.” Scorpia faced glowed with excitement, and she draped her arm over Catra instead of hugging her. Together they walked up the path towards the house. “I’d stay away from the salad,” Scorpia whispered before she opened the door. “I never mention it, but she puts way too much kale in it.”

“Will do.” Catra laughed and followed her friend into her home.

* * *

“So this is the business office.” Scorpia waved her hand at the small room. “You’ll probably spend most of your time working in here. I’m sorry its so dirty. I’ve been so busy running everything and merging with Perfuma’s produce selling, I haven’t had any time to clean.”

“It’s alright Scorpia. That’s why I’m here: to give you an extra hand.”

Scorpia’s shoulders sagged with relief. “You’re a lifesaver. I keep all the receipts of purchases in that cabinet and the rest of the documents are on the computer. Maybe today you could just get things cleaned up and organized?”

“Sure thing,” Catra said as she jumped in the spinney chair near the computer desk. She let it rotate once before pulling herself up to the old desktop and starting it up. “What’s the password on this thing?”

“Oh um, I can just put that in for you—”

“If I’m going to work in here, I’m going to need the password,” Catra said. She cocked an eyebrow. “It’s something embarrassing isn’t it?”

Scorpia looked at the ground. “It’s ‘perfumaishot’. All lowercase.”

Catra burst into laughter, leaning back in the chair and holding her stomach.

“I just needed something that was easy to remember,” Scorpia said, face bright red.

“I doubt you’d ever forget that.” Catra wiped a tear from her eye. “It’s alright, Scorp. It’s actually pretty adorable.”

“Yeah?”

Catra nodded, and Scorpia’s big smile returned.

“Okay well, I’m going to leave you to it. You can come with me and Perfuma for lunch if you want. We are planning to go to Huntara’s.”

“I’ll see you then.”

Scorpia gave Catra a half hug and then left her alone in the room.

Catra swiveled around to take in her new dominion. The only light came from a tiny bare bulb in the ceiling and a narrow window that was too full of dirt and cobwebs to let in more than a few beams. The walls were crowded by file cabinet and stacks of boxes. Papers and trash from discarded takeout meals.

“My very own cat-cave,” Catra mumbled to herself. And then she got right to work. Slowly cleaning up her new desk of all the garbage, dust, spiderwebs, and generally gross things until she had a decent workspace. By the time she was done she was itching to get started.

Scorpia ran a great business—the best (and only) real grocery store in Crimsonville—but Catra was sure that somewhere in all the money and orders she could find ways to fine tune it. She didn’t spend years dealing drugs to not end up being a good businesswoman. She pulled her seat right up to the computer and stretched her fingers over the keypad. A big smile on her face.

* * *

Catra threw her legs up onto the booth seat and leaned back against the wall behind her. Across the table Perfuma and Scorpia sat, holding hands and filling the other on their day so far as if they didn’t practically work together. All around them townspeople talked and laughed and bustled from the bar to the tables. Huntara’s was a hotspot especially at mealtime.

“So how long have you two been officially dating now? You had the hots for each other all throughout high school, but what finally tipped It over the edge?”

Catra laughed when she got a blush in return from both of them.

“It was on my twenty first birthday, two years ago,” Perfuma said, brushing some of her hair that had fallen out of her hairdo of braids and flowers. “I got, um, hammered and confessed my feelings.”

“I didn’t take you for a sappy drunk, Perfuma,” Catra said. “And what did you do, Scorpia?”

“I drunk confessed back.”

Catra’s head flung back as she cackled. “The perfect love story.”

“Am I hearing that you finally settled down Catra?” Huntara asked as she placed down their food on the table. She was just as tall as Scorpia and maybe even more ripped. Her graying hair was curled up under a hair net and the wrinkles on her face curved with her smile.

Catra sat up. “Of course not. You know me. I’m not one for the whole dopey romance stuff.”

Huntara folded her arms over her apron. “I don’t know girl. The longer you live the better finding someone to stick with starts to look.” She laughed as Catra fake gagged. “Looks like the years haven’t changed you much. You’re lucky I kept the carne asada fries on the menu. You’re practically the only person in this whole town that ever orders them.”

Catra jammed her fork into the plate of fries, meat, and pico de gayo. “I don’t know why you’d ever do that. It’s the only good thing on the menu.” She stuffed a huge bite into her mouth and smiled. “It’s good to see you again Huntara.”

“Good to see you too, girl.” She looked over at Scorpia and Perfuma. “You two try and keep her out of trouble please.”

“We’ll do our best,” Scorpia said around bites of her burger.

Huntara laughed again, deep and hearty. “Okay, you all enjoy.” She moved on to serve the next patrons.

They all eat in silence for a moment. Filling their stomachs after a busy morning. Perfuma had started to scrape the bottom of her salad bowl when she looked up again. “So how is it living with Entrapta?”

“Uh, interesting to say the least. But she barely makes me pay rent as long as I help out with her experiments.”

“Has she been very successful lately?” Scorpia asked.

“Depends on how you define success.” Catra pointed at her eyebrows. “My brows only just grew back from the last experiment I helped with.”

They all shared a laugh over that.

“Catra how are your college classes going?” Perfuma asked through her chuckling.

Catra suddenly felt much less mirthful. She resisted the urge to smash her head against the table but couldn’t keep a grimace from off her face.

Scorpia put the last few bites of her burger down. “So I’m guessing not good?”

“It’s fine. I’m just a little behind with all this stuff going down with the Weaver’s house and coming here. It’s all online, so I should be able to catch back up though. I’m just worried about this one humanities class I’m taking. There is so much writing, and I suck at it.”

“Writing is the worst. I’m awful at it too,” Scorpia said.

“I know. We almost flunked every year of high school English together.”

“I’m sure that you will be able to get through it though,” Perfuma jumped in. “And we’re both here to help whatever way we can.”

“You guys are already helping so much,” Catra sighed. She didn’t want to talk about her struggles anymore. “Do you want to hear about what I did yesterday?”

Both women opposite of her smiled and nodded. They sat rapt as she told them about her visit to the lighthouse and how she’d scared the hell out of the girl.

“What happened after you both explained yourself?” Perfuma asked.

“I thought she’d be chill, but she acted like a prick and kicked me out,” Catra said. “But it’s probably a good thing. Can you imagine what type of creepy stuff you have to be into to want to live in a crappy old lighthouse alone? She’s probably part of a cult or something.”

Perfuma and Scorpia shared a look.

“What?” Catra asked, leaning forward. “Have you heard rumors? Have people seen her like dancing around or something?”

“No,” Scorpia said, avoiding eye contact. “I’d heard that someone bought the lighthouse, but I didn’t know who. DT met her when she came into the store to get some groceries, and they told me that she was nice but really quiet.”

That… wasn’t the answer she was expecting. Her scrunched eyebrows must have queued them into her confusion.

“Maybe you need to this about what happened from her point of view?” Perfuma suggested.

“I have. She got scared, and when I apologized and explained myself, she still acted like a jerk.”

“Wildcat,” Scopria said slow and quiet. “You said she was really upset about something. And then a stranger appears in her house and terrifies her. I don’t think its very unusual that she reacted badly to you after that.”

It made more sense than she wanted to admit. Catra folded her arms and set her jaw. “So what? I already apologized.”

“And then insulted her,” Perfuma said. Catra shot her a scowl, but Scorpia spoke up again before Catra could retort.

“Maybe you could bring her an apology gift. Or if you don’t want to say sorry, just something to say ‘welcome to Crimsonville,’ you know? She’s probably pretty lonely out there. And then you could actually learn her name.”

“Yeah I’m not doing that.” Catra finished up the last few bites of her lunch as fast as she could and stood up. “Thanks so much for inviting me. It was really nice to catch up some more, but there’s lots I want to get done at the store. I’ll see you this evening?”

They both nodded and waved half heartedly as she left their table. She paid for her food—and the Scorpia and Perfuma’s too. She felt bad for leaving like that, but maybe this could make up for it at least a little bit.

As she drove back to the store, it started to rain again. In her little office in the back, she could hear raindrops hit the roof and the little window. Catra used her phone to put on some music and got to work on the computer.

There really was so much to be done. Scorpia’s backlog of records and receipts were a mess. Someone could be stealing half her profits and no one would know better. Catra rubbed her palms hard against her eyes. Maybe she had bitten off more than she could chew. She didn’t even have a high school diploma for hell’s sake. Only a GED. And she was going to community college. What makes her qualified to be Scorpia’s accountant/business consultant? But how could she tell Scorpia that? How could Catra let her down again?

Catra picked up her phone and checked the time. It was almost seven. She opened her phone to check her notification. A few texts and picture from Entrapta showing her must recent experiment (and the carnage). There was also a text from Scorpia asking if she was going to be home for dinner. She texted back saying that she was going to be in late and that they shouldn’t wait up for her. Catra went to put the phone down, but Scorpia responded right away with a bundle of emojis. She turned off the music and closed the phone without responding. Grabbing her stuff, she locked up the office and headed out, waving at DT at the cashier before walking out the doors.

Rain still fell, but not hard enough that Catra couldn’t see as she rode down the street. She drove slow, looking at the street lights and neon signs reflected on the wet asphalt. Thinking about what she would say to Scorpia when she asked how work was going. She couldn’t think of any good answers that didn’t sound like ‘I’m sorry I’m hurting you again.’

When she got to Scorpia and Perfuma’s house, she parked but didn’t go into the house. She pulled on the hood of the cotton hoodie beneath her jacket and walked down the sidewalk. Plunging her hands into her pockets, she watched her feet, stepping into puddles with her boots.

It didn’t take long for her to reach the ocean. The wind had picked up, and the waves curled and crashed against the beach. White water visible far out to see. It wasn’t a bad storm, but a storm nonetheless.

Catra watched the sea boil underneath the dark heavy clouds. The view would be even better from the top of the lighthouse. Scarier too. It was like the ocean and sky were fighting, and Catra was never sure which would win. Seeing the battle, rooting for the clouds and lightning, from the lighthouse had always made her feel powerful like nothing else could. But she had someone warm and dry to retreat too even if it was back into Weaver’s clutches.

She groaned and pulled her jacket around her tighter. Perfuma and Scorpia might be better off without her—and probably even Entrapta too—but that didn’t mean that this lighthouse girl deserved to be alone.

Catra started her walk back to the house, planning what gift Catra would bring to the lighthouse in the morning before work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So exposition is a beast, but things are going to start picking up more with the next chapter (which will be in Adora's PoV!).
> 
> What are your thoughts or feelings or ideas or questions? about this story or She ra in general or life in general even. I'm bored and lonely so feel free to interact!  
> my tumblr is Ecrooked24.tumblr.com. I post aesthetic pictures adn extra stuff for this fic there 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'll update soon!


	3. I Can't Quite Remember Where The Water's Getting In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's PoV
> 
> The Things I Regret-- Brandi Carlile  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/6DbwE9PYkpqAlW3EOQe9PS?si=MrKtxPrtSreW-zo-OTLDIg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which Adora has a no good very bad day, but Catra's attempts at personal growth via selflessness makes it a little better
> 
> this chapter was real hard for me to write for some reason so hopefully its okay

_There's a hole in my pocket where my dreams fell through,_

_From a sidewalk in the city to the avenue_

_There's a leak in my dam 'bout the size of a pin,_

_And I can't quite remember where the water's getting in_

_I walk through my days like a ghost in a dream,_

_But the field carries on and my past follows me_

_It's hard moving on from the things you done wrong,_

_When they play in your head like an old fashioned song_

_But when you're wearing on your sleeve,_

_All the things you regret,_

_You can only remember what you want to forget_

Adora gave up on sleeping when the wall near her head cracked and dumped half a sky worth of rain on her. She screamed, spitting water and swiping wet strands of hair from her face. Reaching for the closest thing, she tried to plug the hole—unfortunately that turned out to be her pillow. The fabric covered the crack in the plaster and sheetrock, but it was soaked through in minutes.

Scanning the room frantically, Adora searched for something, anything, as a better patch than a pillow. The small circular room didn’t hold much. Her cot and luggage behind her. A rickety table with a short leg held up by books on the far wall near the ladder on the other side of the room. Too far. And piles of construction scraps scattered across the floor everywhere else. Nails and broken beams and small sheets of wood she had left from patching the holes in the floor she stood on. If she could just get one of those it could work.

Adora braced the pillow against the crack with one hand and reached for the nearest sheet of wood with the other, but her fingers fell a few feet short. She huffed, blowing the hair from her eyes, and tried again. But her arms just weren’t long enough. Water flowed down her arms from the sopping pillow. It leaked down the wall and formed a puddle at her feet, spreading closer and closer to her things.

“Buy a lighthouse, I thought,” Adora grumbled.

She stood with one foot and used the other to grasp at the spare wood with her toes.

“It’ll be great. I can manage the upkeep.” Her foot brushed against it. “It’ll keep me busy.”

She caught it between her toes and lifted it up into the air. But it slipped out of her grip. She groaned in frustration. “You’re an absolute idiot Adora.”

The wood was closer now, so she dragged it over instead of lifting it. She pulled over a few rusty nails along with it, too. With the material at her at her feet, her shoulders sagged with relief. But to get it up she had to move the pillow.

Adora let it fall, and the storm blew in with a fury. The wind sending rain and her things flying everywhere. She dashed to her bag of tools and grabbed a hammer. Fighting the onslaught of wind and rain, she placed the sheet of wood over the hole and hammered the nails into the wall. It wasn’t quality work. It was crooked and some nails were beat and stuck out. But it kept the storm out for now.

She plopped down on her cot, not sure if the squelchy sound came from her wet clothes or her wet bed. Probably both. She planted her elbows on her knees and let her head fall towards her chest. This wasn’t the first dramatic and wet event of the night. Add being scared to death and then bullied by a trespassing stranger on top of the sleeplessness and destruction and she had the perfect recipe for the worst day ever—and she had had some pretty awful days in her life. But maybe that would be the end of it. Maybe the universe would give her a break for once in her life.

She might have fallen asleep just like that if the chill of her wet pajamas didn’t start to settle into her bones. Hands and body shaking, Adora unzipped her suitcase—thankfully finding most of her things dry if only a little moist. She stripped and donned on a full set of thick flannel pjs complete with fuzzy socks. The wet clothes ended up in a pile on the floor.

She’d deal with them in the morning.

All warm and cozy now, Adora hopped through the puddles back to her bed, but when she looked down at her it the urge to just jump in it slipped away. Her pillow was basically a saturated sponge at this point. And her blankets were not that far off. Water dripped off the cot and onto the floor just adding to the little lake puddles everywhere soaking the clothes and papers that had gotten thrown around by the wind. She should really hang it all up, so it could dry, but just the thought made her sag with exhaustion.

“Tomorrow,” she said to herself. “I’ll fix everything tomorrow.”

So instead of laying on her cot, she picked up her backpack. She found a spot against the wall that wasn’t wet and cleaned away the debris before plopping down. From her backpack she pulled out her laptop. She placed it on her lap and used the bag as a cushion between her back and the wall. If she wasn’t going to sleep tonight, she might as well get some writing done.

Her fingers clacked against the keyboard in spurts, pausing to bite her nails or stare off into the distance as she tried to figure out what word to choose or how to make a sentence say the things she wanted it to say without sounding like a college frat boy in a gen ed English class.

It wasn’t going well.

She knew what she wanted to write. A short story about a sailor far out at sea. Alone because she chose to leave. There are family and friends back at the shore who would miss her for a little but eventually recognize they were better off without her. Without the damage she causes. And she’d sail and sail. Never seeing land or people. Until the ocean embraced her, and she was finally in a place where she belonged. The themes and feeling danced in her mind. If she could get it all out, she was sure she could get it published in some creative writing journal and earn some money; her savings wouldn’t last forever.

But she just couldn’t seem to get the words to work with her. It sounded clunky. The plot wouldn’t flow. There was a wall blocking her. But she kept throwing herself at it. Type and erase. Type and erase. Type and erase. Eventually she’d break through. Eventually it would give.

Maybe she’d have a storm hit her character too. Toss and throw her on the sea. Clinging to the boat as the waves tried to drag her down into the depths. Words echoed over the wind like they echoed in Adora’s mind: _better off without you_ (though in her mind it sounded a lot more like a friend than the wind). Then she could get out all the dark feelings swirling around inside her like some nightmarish carousel. That wasn’t really the direction she wanted to go with the piece though. Too dreary. Maybe she was just taking the whole ‘write what you know’ thing too far.

Her fingers kept going. Kept trying to translate the muddled thoughts in her head unto the empty word document. Moving even when she let her eyes close for a moment. Just a moment of rest. Only a moment.

A loud knocking jolted her from her sleep. Adora blink away the exhaustion from her eyes, staring up at the blank screen of her laptop askew in her lap. Beams of light flickered in through the cracks around the boarded window in the room. It was morning.

Another round of knocks shook the wall.

Adora fumbled up to her feet. “I’m coming! Give me a second!”

She tossed her laptop onto one of her suitcases and jumped to ladder, feet thundering down the rungs as she made her way to the bottom floor. Dashing to the door, she kicked away the brick holding it closed and swung it open.

And found the mean girl from the day before there at her doorstep. Adora stood frozen for a moment in shock. She looked the same as before: leather jacket over a rough hoodie and ripped up jeans. Same short curly dark hair and pretty brown skin. Same mismatched eyes.

“Uh hi,” Adora finally said.

“Hey.” The girl smiled as if Adora had just cracked a joke. “Nice pjs.”

Adora looked down at herself and then back up at the girl, her face turning hot with embarrassment. With the flannel pjs, behead, and a sleep deprivation she probably looked like an absolute train wreck. Silently she prayed that this was some weird nightmare she’d wake up from in a few seconds.

“Sorry, I had a long night.” Adora ran a hand through her hair to hopefully tame it at least a little.

“It’s okay. I hope I didn’t wake you up,” the girl said as she kicked at the ground, suddenly not making eye contact with her. “I just wanted to um… apologize for how I acted the other day. You know, like a jerk. I’m trying not to be like that anymore.”

Adora nodded, not sure what to say. She had been a jerk.

Thankfully the girl continued, “So my friend told me I should give you these as an apology gift or something.” She pushed a bundle—that Adora hadn’t even noticed she was holding—into her arms and then dropped a brown paper bag on the top.

Adora looked down at her full arms. It was blanket. Knitted from thick yarn that weighed down on her but still was soft and warm—very different from her own blankets probably still wet on her bed. And whatever was in the bag smelled really good.

“I know how cold it can get in there at night, so I thought maybe you could use an extra blanket. I bought it from the old lady that owns the weird knick knack store in town. It’s called Razzle Dazzle. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but she knits a bunch of stuff, if you need anything. She made the cookies too.”

Even with the explanation, Adora was still at a loss for words. Her interactions with the townspeople had been limited to say the least. And the last thing she had expected was for this girl to show up here twice. She was the first real person Adora had talked to in person since moving.

But the girl was looking at her now and Adora couldn’t not see the twinge of fear there. The terrifying wait to see if Adora would tear at the bit of open flesh she had exposed, a tender hand reached out in stilted vulnerability. Almost like she expected the worst. Preparing for it.

“Thank you,” Adora breathed out. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted too… My name is Catra by the way.”

“I’m Adora.” They stood there in a silence for a moment before Adora gestured inside. “Do you want to come in a moment?”

Catra nodded and followed her through the door. Adora swiped at the small kitchen counter to clear off the dirt and grime before dropping the blanket off there. She pulled over two (mostly) unbroken chairs and offered one to Catra. As she sat down, she looked around the room. Adora knew she’d been in here before, knew what it was like, but it still set her on edge. She wondered what Catra thought of her. Living here in squalor—only a step up from homeless. There wasn’t a look of judgement on Catra’s face, but Adora still felt her chest tighten at the thought.

Adora made herself ignore it and instead reached for the paper bag, opening it before offering one of the cookies to Catra.

But Catra didn’t move to take one. “I got them for you.” Her blue and yellow eyes widened in what was either shock or confusion or both.

“And it feels like there is a lot more than I can eat by myself in here.” Adora offered her a small smile. “Sharing is caring right?”

Her eyes got somehow wider, but she reached to take a cookie. Turning her face away as she took a bite.

Adora pulled one out for herself. They were snickerdoodles and somehow still warm. The warmth spread to her mouth as she bit into it. “These are so good,” she practically moaned.

“Yeah, Razz really knows how to make um,” Catra said, chuckling a little at Adora’s reaction.

They finished their cookies without speaking again. When Adora asked if Catra wanted another, she only shook her head slightly. It was hard for Adora to resist the desire to grab another for herself, but she decided against it for now. Maybe when there wasn’t a pretty girl in her house, she’d scarf the rest down. For now she wanted to at least maintain whatever amount of dignity she had left. So she folded the bag back up and put it on the counter.

“I really am sorry that I bought this place right out from under you,” Adora said.

“It’s alright really.” Catra waved away her concern. An air of confidence had fallen over her while they had eaten the cookies. The corner of her mouth turned up in a smile and body relaxing in the seat. “I haven’t been here in years anyway. I’m only back in town for a month or so to… deal with some stuff and then I’ll head back to the city. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did anyway, especially with you being upset.”

“I wasn’t upset.”

Catra’s face lost all it’s cool arrogance and changed into something different. Adora couldn’t figure it out. Like she was trying to hide what she was feeling.

“You don’t have to pretend—”

“I’m not pretending. I’m fine. Everything is all good here. You probably just heard the rain or the wind or something.”

Catra sagged a little, and Adora felt a twinge of guilt. But she really didn’t want to start spilling all her secret struggles with this girl who was practically a stranger like she was her therapist or something.

It was fitting though she guessed. Adora let everyone down, even pretty strangers.

They didn’t speak for a moment waiting to see who would break first.

“Well,” Catra smacked her thighs and stood up. “I don’t want to intrude on you for very long.”

She turned towards the door, but then stopped. Adora could see her shoulder’s go rigid with tension. And then she faced her again. “Do you have any paper?”

Adora gaped at her like an idiot for a second too long before looking around. “Um will this work?” She handed over one of the napkins from the bag of cookies. It had a little bit of crumbs and grease stains on it, but it was mostly uncrumpled.

Catra rolled her eyes, small smile returning. “Sure, and a pen?”

Adora dove into one of her nearby boxes of things, pushing past wet cardboard until she found one of her pens. She held it out to Catra with an what was probably a dopey grin.

She chuckled and took the pen, using her leg to write something out on the napkin before handing them both back to her. “It’s my number. If you need help with anything here or just, you know, want to interact with a human being after being out here by yourself, you can text me. I’ve got a whole folder of memes just sitting in my phone waiting to be shared. If you want.”

Adora took the napkin between her fingers like it would break if she held it too tight. “Thanks, I will.” She hadn’t meant it to be truthful. The whole point of coming here was to be alone. To make it on her own. But when she saw the way Catra’s smile widened, Adora started to plan right there what her first message would be.

“See you around, Adora.” And with that she was gone.

Adora didn’t return to her room and laptop for a while, staying to clean up the mess on the bottom floor from the storm. That was her motivation. Not just so that she could cast glances out the window. Watching as Catra made her way down the hill and skip across the rocks and pools before hopping onto her very nice motorcycle. With her helmet on, Catra turned to look up at the lighthouse, and Adora ducked out of sight, hoping she hadn’t seen her. She could hear the engine rev from where she sat on the dirty floor. When she got up to look through the window again, she was gone.

“Way to be a creep, Adora.” She smacked her palm against her forehead.

She looked down at the napkin still clutched in her hand. All the confidence she had suddenly rushed away. Catra had only given it to her out of pity. There was no way she had been serious about the offer. Not with the way Adora always snapped at her or acted like a buffoon. A hot girl that wears leather jackets and rides a motorcycle doesn’t want a mess in pajamas. What would Adora even say? She’d just screw it all up. Catra didn’t need someone like Adora in her life, anyway. Better off without her.

She placed the napkin down on the counter, Catra’s slanted handwriting glaring up at her. It held her in a trance for a moment, thinking through all the scenarios texting Catra could lead too—almost all of them turning out bad.

Adora shook her head and rubbed her eyes. There were things to do, and she was burning daylight. She climbed up the ladder to get dressed and get to work, leaving the napkin behind.

* * *

The next day or so was spent repairing the damage from the storm. Patching holes with new plaster or wood. Mopping up the water and sweeping out the dirt the wind had brought in. Hanging the wet clothes and blankets up any time the sun was shining to get them to dry. Cleaning up her things and getting it all looking decent again—or at least as decent as a falling apart lighthouse full of thrift store furniture could be.

She moved the blanket from Catra up to her bed and slept warmer than she had a while. She ate the rest of the cookies (possibly all in the same sitting), too. And every time she heard a motorcycle roar down the highway, she hoped it was Catra coming to visit her again. But it never stopped, and Adora still hadn’t touched the napkin. It still sat on the counter.

There was just so much she needed to do, she kept telling herself. Cleaning her home and keeping the rain from getting in and trying to get some writing done between it all. She was still stuck in that storm out at sea, water filling the boat. But where to go from there?

Fixing the roof had to be a priority. The old wood ladder she had gotten as a steal at the thrift store was just tall enough to get her up there. And her pry bar and hammer worked well enough to pull up the old cracked and rotten wooden shingles. Covering what she had exposed with a tarp. But the process was slower than she wanted. Hours in the almost constant rain and wind pulling the old stuff up.

It would go much faster if she had an extra set of hands. And the napkin was there waiting just like Catra’s offer to help. But surely Catra wouldn’t want to do something grueling like this. Adora could do it. She had it handled.

And that’s what she told herself even as her friend Bow’s words bounced around in her mind each time, she smashed her fingers with the hammer or almost slipped off the roof. _It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need help._ Adora always smacked her cheek a few times and went back to work. She didn’t want to think about Bow. What he would think of her now.

It took two solid days of working to tear all the old shingles off of one side of the house. It took another to replace the sagging sheets of wood beneath with new fresh wood. It was solid enough now that Adora could walk across the rough without worrying about falling through it anymore. The accomplishment pushed away her self-doubt at least for the moment and she stood with her hands on her hips, looking down at all her work. She had done it all by herself (with lots of help from youtube but that didn’t matter).

Adora’s grumbling stomach pulled her out of the silent celebration. Her watch read almost 1pm. Definitely time to take a lunch break especially after only grabbing a granola bar for breakfast. But back down inside her house, she found her little mini fridge and cupboards almost empty.

She groaned and sat down in a seat. She had been putting off going into town to get groceries for a while and it had finally caught up with her. And despite how hungry she was the remaining can of corn and jar of salsa didn’t seem all that appetizing.

So it was a trip into town then. She needed some more construction materials anyway.

The problem was Adora didn’t have a car. She _had_ had one. She’d used it to move all her stuff here and even bring in the tools and material she had. But then she had sold it. She wasn’t working and figured she would need the money more than she would need the car. Now she just had a bike—and not a motorcycle bike, a regular old peddling mountain bike complete with a wagon she had managed to attach to the back for transporting things that wouldn’t fit in her backpack.

It took thirty minutes to bike the five miles from the lighthouse to town. It left her damp from both rain and sweat. Out of breath, but not out of steam. She was thankful for her habit of working out even though she hadn’t kept up with it as well lately.

The town wasn’t big. Little old neighborhoods branching off of the main street that held most of the town’s commerce. As she biked down the road framed by streetlamps, she spotted the little store Catra had told her about: Razzle Dazzle. It was so full of treats and knick knacks and art that it spilled out of the store front. Displays spreading onto the sidewalk. Adora would have to come back and check it out later.

She saw the market first, so she figured she’d get her food and ask around about the nearest place she could get more materials. After locking her bike and wagon up, she walked into the store. It was just like any other little grocery store: food, produce, general necessities, and pop music playing over the intercom. Adora hummed along to it quietly as she grabbed a cart and wandered down the aisles.

At the back of the store, she stood in front of the refrigerator deciding if she wanted to buy milk or not. She never finished a whole carton before it went bad, but how could she satisfy a midnight craving for cereal if she didn’t have milk? Her hand gripped onto the handle but made no move to open it.

She was frozen in indecision when a voice behind her called her name and made her yelp. Flipping around she spotted Catra looking at her with an eyebrow cocked. If she was going to catch her being weird again at least this time she wasn’t wearing pajamas, Adora thought.

“Hey Catra, what are you doing here?” Adora asked, trying to play it all off. 

But Catra wasn’t having it. “I work here. Do you often spend long periods of time staring at food in grocery stores? If so I might have to put up signs to warn people not to disturb you.”

“I don’t—you—I was just trying to make a decision.”

Catra cackled, head tossed back and eyes scrunched closed. The sight made the embarrassment trickle away a little. “I’m just messing with you, princess. You should get the Tillamook milk. The owner, Scorpia, gets it shipped up from the dairy down in Oregon. It’s really good if you can afford it.”

“Oh.” Adora looked into the fridge and saw what she was talking about. She opened the door and pulled out a carton, placing it in her cart. “Thanks.”

Catra smirk. “Of course, I’m here to help.”

And Adora suddenly remembered, seeing the napkin still on the counter in her mind’s eye. “I’m sorry I haven’t texted you,” she suddenly burst. “I’ve just been so busy with renovating the lighthouse and getting everything cleaner and I didn’t want to—”

“Wow it’s okay. Chill.” Catra stepped forward and placed a hand on Adora’s shoulder. The feel of her warm fingers over her sweater stopping her rambling mid-sentence and her brain from firing. Adora looked down at the hand and then back up at Catra’s face. Up this close she could see the freckles that dusted her cheekbones.

Catra looked back at her a moment too until her eyes widened a bit and she pulled her hand away. “It’s not like I was waiting around for you to text me or anything. You can do whatever you want.”

Neither of them looked at each other. Adora’s eyes fixed on the things in her cart. The song that had been playing stopped and a new one came on—something fast paced and folky.

“So uh, how is work on the lighthouse going?” Catra asked.

“Pretty good!” Adora grasped onto the new conversation thread like a lifeline. “I’m working on fixing the roof, but I need to buy materials. Is there a place in town I can get construction stuff?”

“Yeah there’s a shop called Lashor Supplies. If you head further down main street take a right on Waste Ave—where the gas station is—you’ll see it. The guy who runs it is named Tung. You could mention you’re my friend and he might give you a deal…” Catra grimaced. “Actually on second thought, you probably shouldn’t mention me at all. We have a—let’s say exciting—past. He probably still holds a grudge. But you should be able to get a fair price.”

Adora just nodded. Letting the whole grudge thing go even though normally she’d be curious enough to ask because Catra had called her her friend. She knew it was just a casual thing. They had barely spent any time together and most of it was awkward conversation and bickering. But even after all of that and Adora ghosting her, even after screwing up so many times, Catra still called her a friend.

Catra looked at her with an eyebrow cocked again, and Adora realized that she had finished speaking and now Adora was just staring at her like an idiot.

“Thanks, I’ll go check it out. I better get going. Don’t want the milk to spoil.” Adora started to push her cart down the next aisle towards the registers. “But I _will_ text you tonight.”

“Promise?” Catra face was all smugness but Adora could see how it was hollow. Sincerity showing through a translucent mask.

“I promise,” Adora said with a smile.

Then they both were off. Catra back to her work and Adora on to pay for her groceries and then to Lashor supplies.

Tung was big and rough, but Adora didn’t let him make a fool of her; she might be a blonde white girl, but she knew her way around way around construction (or at least how to pretend she did). Soon she had struck a deal for the supplies she needed and even convinced him to store the things she had bought so that she could come back and pick up a load on her bike once or twice a day.

Adora loaded what she could into her wagon and started the ride back home. And when she finally got there, all tired and sweaty, and put her purchases away and worked on the roof until she lost the light of the sun and changed into more comfortable clothes and reclined on her now dry bed with the blanket from Catra and a bowl of cereal in her lap, she pulled out her phone and typed in the number from the napkin.

_So you said you have good memes?_

Then she hit send.

She tossed the phone onto the other side of her bed. Picking up her laptop instead to try and write. But she couldn’t keep her eyes away from the black screen. Waiting for a notification. No one else texted her. She didn’t have socials anymore. If she got a notification it would be Catra.

When the screen flashed on, Adora froze for a second almost afraid to see what Catra had responded. But taking a deep breath, she grabbed her phone and opened the message.

_Oh princess you’ve got a big storm comin_

And ten images attached.

Adora was already laughing before she even looked at the first one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely a throw back to the time I taught myself how to roof using youtube. And Adora's not even halfway done poor girl  
> What did you think of Adora's perspective? What do you think of their characterizations? They aren't exactly like the show because the context is different but I'm trying to stay true. 
> 
> comments and kudos transfer directly into writing motivation and therefore get chapters written faster so keep that in mind if you want more
> 
> also if you haven't noticed I have a song that is the sort of inspiration for each chapter. If people are interested I could link a playlist that has the song from each chapter and I could add onto it as I continue to write. Let me know if you want that


	4. I Wanna Feel Something Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> Sober Up -- AJR  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/2QCndYqRherBtKjBpyySC6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay. I'm working on a big original novel that I had to devote some time to this week (its about vigilante women in the 1920s so I feel like that's a good enough excuse in it of itself). And this chapter is longer so it makes up for the wait too
> 
> Hope you like how things are starting to develop ;)  
> ps. I know nothing about economics so forgive me

_Hello, hello_

_I'm not where I'm supposed to be_

_I hope that you're missing me_

_Cause it makes me feel young_

Won't you help me sober up

Growing up it made me numb

And I wanna feel something again

Everyday Catra watched Adora bike past Scorpia’s store. Always wearing the same red rain jacket and hauling her goofy wagon loaded full of supplies behind her. Sometimes she’d even catch her going by twice a day. Legs pumping and shoulders hunched over the handlebars. Paler skin and darker bruises around her eyes with each trip. She never stopped, and Catra never went out to see her.

But half an hour almost on the dot after she passed, Catra’s phone buzzed with a text response from Adora after she arrived back at the lighthouse. They texted on and off pretty much all day. Adora was terribly uneducated in memes or vines, so Catra took it upon herself to share her deep important knowledge. And in return Adora sent back dumb animal videos that Catra just had to tease her about. It always devolved into a match of name calling and bantering. She was honestly surprised by Adora’s ability to keep up with her. Catra would never admit it, but it was actually fun talking to her.

To her defense, she didn’t have much else going on in her life. Her days were spent pouring over business and money documents trying to make Scorpia’s store actually efficient and functionable and doing her best to keep up with mounds of schoolwork.

And then there was Weaver’s property. She’d really tried to get started on the clean up. More than once she had taken the day off from the store and hopped on her motorcycle with full intention of cleaning at least one room. But pulling into the driveway made her whole body tense and stepping away from her bike left her so nauseous she thought she’d hurl. After all the attempts she had never even made it past the door.

Sick to her stomach and buzzing with anxious energy, Catra usually went for a drive after. Cruising down the highway faster than was probably safe. Letting the roar of the wind fill her ears and her mind. Holding one hand up, to feel the air press against her gloves. Almost like she could hold it.

And maybe she slowed down whenever she passed the lighthouse, looking to see the progress Adora had made in the renovation. But Catra never had it in her to stop. She just stuck with the texting.

Catra typed the last sentence of a paragraph on her laptop and stared at it. It probably didn’t make any sense, but she’d been working on this one paragraph for hours, and she didn’t think her brain could handle one more second of trying to figure out why in any universe she would care about arguing the pros and cons of mistletoe let alone writing a research paper on it. This English class was going to kill her.

Saving the file, Catra tossed the laptop away and belly flopped onto her bed. She pulled out her phone. It was 4 am—a sadly not an uncommon time for her to finish a procrastinated homework session. There was a message from Adora which she had read hours ago but forced herself to at least finish the paragraph before responding.

 _So you are telling me you’ve never seen Shrek 2? That movie influenced me more than my mother growing up, and you haven’t even freaking seen it?!_ Catra typed out and sent off.

She let her head sink into her pillow. The more she got to know this girl the more she was convinced she had grown up in one of those weird cults where they weren’t allowed to participate in society. Adora’s knowledge of mainstream media was patchy at best and off the rails otherwise.

Before her mind could even start to drift off to sleep, her phone buzzed in her hands. But Catra wasn’t surprised; Adora seemed to never sleep.

 _Sorry I didn’t spend my childhood watching every movie ever created. You’ve never seen the movie Secretariat and you don’t see me rioting_.

She couldn’t keep herself from bursting into laughter. But she slapped a hand over her mouth. Scorpia and Perfuma were most definitely asleep and didn’t need their squatter friend waking them up. “She has got to be joking,” Catra muttered to herself. 

But another message popped up. A video clip of a woman with her hand pressed against a horse’s head followed by another message.

_You can’t tell me that’s not good movie material._

Catra snorted—so not a joke then. She scrolled through her phone until she found her new favorite meme to send to Adora—she’d actually gone through the effort to make it (and with how many times she had found a use for it she found it well worth the work).

The image popped up in their messages: Bernie Sanders with the words ‘I am once again asking you to be normal person,’ at the bottom.

A minute later she got the same image back, but the words had changed to ‘I am once again asking you to stop being a jerk.’

Catra laughed again.

_Aww so you are actually learning from me._

_More like you are infecting me._

To that she sent a batch of fresh memes fresh off the tumblr dashboard that she’d found during her lunch break the day before. _If it’s an infection, it’s a good one._

Before Adora could reply Catra sent another text. _What are you doing up so late princess?_

The answer came back fast as usual.

_I could ask you the same thing._

_I was doing homework, what’s you excuse?_

This time Catra had to wait. After a few minutes she wondered if Adora had actually fallen asleep. Or maybe she just didn’t want to answer the question. It wouldn’t be the first time their conversation went stale because one of them refused to talk about something more personal.

Catra might think this girl is hot, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to just spill all her secrets.

But eventually her phone buzzed again with another text from Adora.

_I’m going to get an early start on working on the roof today. Try to get as much done before it starts raining again._

Catra smacked her phone against her forehead a few times before texting back.

_You’re an idiot. Isn’t climbing up on a roof in the dark dangerous?_

_Awww are you worried about me?_

Her fingers moved frantically fast over the keyboard.

_No, but I would rather not have a real life ghost haunting that place because you fell and broke your neck._

_You would be the most annoying ghost._

She added the last part for good measure to make sure Adora didn’t get any dumb ideas about Catra liking her or anything.

_I would not._

_And don’t worry. I start working this early all the time. I’ll be fine._

Somehow that made Catra feel even worse. She let out a long sigh before responding.

_You know my offer to help still stands. I don’t have to work at the store every day. My schedule it flexible._

There was another long wait before Adora texted back. But Catra already knew the answer. She’d gotten it before.

_Thanks, but I’ve got it handled by myself._

She shouldn’t have even bothered asking. Catra sent another batch of memes and then shut off her phone, tossing it across the room. Even if Adora needed help, Catra wouldn’t be the one she would ask. She’d only make the whole project harder somehow.

So Catra pulled her blankets up around herself and tried to go to sleep. Ignoring when her phone lit up with a text notification. Pushing away the voice that she wished would just stay in hell where she belonged—whispering the same word that had followed her all her life. And still it chased her into her dreams.

* * *

“I’m so excited to see all the work you’ve gotten done!” Scorpia shouted as she burst into the office.

Catra jumped in her seat, almost spilling her tea all over the computer keyboard. “Scorpia,” she shouted spinning around to face her. “Don’t do that.”

Scorpia rubbed the back of her neck. “Sorry, I’m just really excited. I finally have some time to visit you at work!”

Spinning around to face the computer again, Catra tapped her fingers on the desk. “Well I still have lots to do and I’m not sure about how you want everything but it’s almost organized and I’ve got a few models of some ideas we could maybe try… but only if you think it’s good. I’m not an actual business consultant or anything—”

The words stuck in her throat when a hand came to rest on her shoulder. Her whole body stiffened. But it was just Scorpia. Just her friend. She made herself relax and look up at her. Scorpia beamed down at her—if she was a cartoon character there would have been stars in her eyes.

“Aww Wildcat, you actually care about this!”

Catra cringed away, looking back at the spreadsheets on the computer screen. “No, I don’t care—” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I’m just trying to pull my own weight. I have to do something for you if I’m going to keep staying at your place.”

Scorpia squeezed her shoulder before letting her hand fall and pulling over a stool to sit beside her. When Catra finally moved her gaze back to her the star eyes were gone, and instead there was a knowing look. “You could stay even if you weren’t doing this. But I really appreciate any work you do anyway. Now you want to show me those ideas you were talking about?”

Pulling up the spreadsheets and documents she had created with her different business proposals, Catra began to talk her way through them—starting off rough and fumbling through the words, but the longer she spoke and the more positive reactions she earned from Scorpia the more the tension in her body dissipated and the thoughts flowed easily.

“I had no idea that we were wasting so much money,” Scorpia said. “I guess after my parents dumped the store on me, I didn’t really look into changing anything.”

“Well if you give me a few more days, I can probably draw up these plans more professionally so you can try to implement them… if you want.”

“Of course. You’re really good at this Catra. Way better than I am. You know I’m useless with computers.”

“It’s whatever—” Catra’s phone buzzed, and her hand reached for where it sat on the desk without even thinking about it.

“Ooooo who’s that? Is it Adora again?” Scorpia leaned over to look, but Catra pushed her face away.

Holding the phone out from her, she checked the notification. Her whole body drooped a little when Adora’s name didn’t pop up. But she did recognize the number. An old… business partner named Octavia. The lock screen showed just the first few words of the text.

_I’ve got a new stash…_

Catra turned the phone off and shoved it into her pocket before Scorpia could get a glimpse.

“No, it’s not Adora. It’s nothing.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Scorpia said, finally giving Catra her personal space back. “I just saw her biking down the street just a bit ago. She probably can’t text and ride very easily.”

“I don’t know what kind of a doofus chooses to live miles outside of town and doesn’t have a car. She’s going to bike herself to death,” Catra said, gladly talking about anything other than the message burning a whole in her pocket.

Scorpia nodded. “I’ve stopped her twice to offer her a ride in my car. It would seriously be no problem, but she always says no. Last time she told me she likes all the exercise, but I don’t think she’s a very good liar because she got all red faced and then biked away really fast.”

“That sounds just like her.” Catra laughed.

“Maybe she’d accept some help from you.”

The smile on Catra’s face disappeared. “Don’t you think I’ve tried. She probably doesn’t want my help anyway.”

Scorpia started to open her mouth, but Catra’s phone vibrated again twice and she pulled it out just as fast as before. Octavia again.

_I’ll cut you a deal…_

_For old times…_

Catra stood up abruptly, making Scorpia almost fall off her stool.

“I’ve got to take care of something. I’ll be back later.”

She grabbed her jacket and was out the door before, Scorpia could even respond.

Rain dripped from the sky in a steady downfall, covering the sidewalk in puddles that splashed up onto her boots as she walked down the street away from the store, away from the town. Catra pulled her hood over her head and hunched over her phone to keep it from getting wet. She opened the messages and read the full thing.

_I’ve got a new stash, and I heard you were back in town. Thought you might be interested._

_I’ll cut you a deal if you help me do some distributing._

_For old times I might even throw in some weed to top it off._

Catra’s fingers hesitated over the keyboard, unmoving as she continued to walk. She’d been doing so good at avoiding it. Refocusing when she was tempted. Staying away from old haunts. But it had been easier back in the city. Here the temptation came practically knocking at her door. Maybe things didn’t have to be like they were before though. She could stay in control. Moderate her use. It’s not like it would even matter anyway.

Another text popped up.

_I can meet you at your mom’s old house if you want._

Her feet came to stop, freezing her in the middle of the sidewalk. Rain beating against her shoulders. Soaking through her clothes and into her skin.

Wouldn’t that be just like old times. Her and her bad habits back at her childhood home. Never really escaping. Never really changing. She could practically hear her old hag’s gravely voice telling her she told her so.

Now she really needed a hit.

But even drugs couldn’t get her to go back there.

A new sound broke through the patter of rain. Huffing and panting mixed with the squeak of tires on wet cement. She looked up from her phone and watched as Adora biked past her with her wagon full of supplies. Rain streamed off her easily recognizable raincoat in rivulets.

Adora’s eyes were focused on the road and didn’t see her as she went by. Catra thought to call out but noticed something was off. Adora’s legs pushed down on the peddles slow like each rotation was harder than the last. Even with the growing distance between them, she could hear how each breath was a wheeze. The bike wobbled from side to side a little, but she somehow stayed upright.

Until the handlebars turned the bike into the curb and sent Adora toppling off the bike into the street. She body slammed against the asphalt and didn’t get up.

Now Catra really did call out to her. “Adora!” she shouted as she ran to her side.

She rolled Adora onto her back. Her eyes popped up as she winced at the movement, but then they fluttered closed again.

“Hey no. I need you stay awake.” Catra patted her cheeks, but her eyes stayed closed.

“Tired,” Adora mumbled and leaned into Catra’s hand. Her skin burned against her fingers.

Catra looked up from Adora, scanning their surroundings for someone or something to help. But they were at the edge of town. Only a house or two on either side of the street. No cars and no people. Just rain.

She groaned in frustration but pulled one of Adora’s arms over her shoulder. Before she could figure out what to do, she had to get Adora out of the street. But the girl must have weighed a thousand pounds.

“What are you all muscle?” Catra grunted as she dragged her up onto the sidewalk.

“I… work out.”

Catra jolted at the voice. She saw Adora’s eye’s open a little, looking up at her with glazed eyes. “I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s okay,” Catra shushed her. “Do you have someone I can call for you?”

Instead of answering, her eye’s scrunched closed and her mouth twisted into a grimace. No then.

So Catra looked around again, desperate for a plan. They were too far to drag Adora back to the store, but they couldn’t stay in the rain either. Lighthouse was definitely out of the question at this point. There had to be somewhere nearby. Catra clenched her jaw tight when a thought came to her mind.

“If I help you do you think you can walk?” Catra asked, shaking Adora gently to keep her awake.

Adora grimaced again. “You don’t have to help me. I can do it—”

“Yeah no,” Catra cut her off. If the passing out in the middle of the street wasn’t enough to convince her that Adora was actually in desperate need of help, the way her voice wavered and her whole body shook definitely was. “Can you walk, or will I have to carry you?”

“I can walk,” Adora said through clenched teeth. She pulled away from Catra’s arms to sit up.

Her body swayed a bit, but when she stayed upright for a couple moments Catra let her arms drop from where they had been waiting to catch her again.

“Don’t move.” Catra fixed her with a firm look to drive home her point before standing up.

She moved to Adora’s bike and dragged it out of the street. There was a u-lock hanging from one of the handlebars, so she propped it against a nearby street sign and locked the frame and front tire to it. It would have to stay there for the time being.

Back to Adora, she pulled one of her arms over her shoulder. “Stand together on the count of three. One. Two. Three.”

Catra heaved upward while Adora groaned, struggling to get her feet underneath her. Once upright, she leaned heavily on her, but Catra wrapped one arm around her waist to keep her up. And with the other hand she caught hold of the handle of Adora’s wagon.

“Where are you taking me?” Adora panted out as they started walking down a side street.

“It’s um…” Catra stumbled a little—on her words and over a lip of the sidewalk. “Just a place nearby. Less talking more walking.”

Adora was probably doing her best, but it still sucked. Every few steps her knees buckled, leaving Catra the only thing keeping her up. She looped her fingers underneath Adora’s belt and dragged her along until she could take a few steps again. And then the process began all over again all the while the wagon rolled along behind them.

They struggled down the street together. The rain beat down harder, soaking into their clothes and shoes.

But it wasn’t far and Catra soon was guiding them through the yard and up the front steps. Leaving the wagon, she leaned Adora up against the house

“Don’t fall,” she said, and Adora nodded. But with the way her legs shook, Catra doubted she’d be able to hold herself up long. So she rushed to the side of the porch where an ugly pot sat with a fake cactus inside. She ran her fingers along the edge between dirt and ceramic until she felt cold metal. Then she was back at the door, pushing the spare key into the lock.

When Catra grabbed hold of Adora again she collapsed against her chest.

“Don’t give up on me yet, princess. We’re almost there.”

Adora mumbled something back to her, but Catra couldn’t make it out. She pulled her in, and Adora’s shoes slid from the wet cement onto lumpy dirty carpet. Catra hauled her into the front room, clenching her teeth as she lifted her up onto the couch. Adora collapsed, arms flopping across her stomach and over the edge. Her eyes stayed closed, but Catra was more worried about the way her whole body trembled. Laying the back of her hand against her forehead, Catra felt the burn of a fever still there. She needed medicine.

Maybe there was still some left in the house.

Catra ran down the hall and past the closet—sticking to the opposite wall and only just cringing as she passed. Bursting into the bathroom she found all of Weaver’s trashy ocean aesthetic decoration were still there and covered in dust. Catra zeroed in on the mirror. She pulled it open and started scouring through the shelves of the cupboard behind it.

Rifling through the different box and bottles of medicine, she frantically searched for anything that would help with a fever—and wasn’t expired. When she found a box of Tylenol that still had a few months left of use she almost shouted in celebration.

Instead she grabbed the stupid cup near the sink with fish designs around it and filled it with water from the faucet. Medicine and water in hand, she ran back to Adora. She got the tablet all ready and then pulled Adora so she sat up.

“I need you to take this. It’s some medicine to help with your fever,” Catra whispered.

Adora tried to open her eyes, but only managed to get them open halfway. She didn’t fight when Catra held the tablet and cup up to her lips. After she had swallowed, Catra let her lay down again.

All the rush and panic and drive came slamming to a halt, leaving Catra looking down at the girl practically asleep on the couch. But when she looked up at the dark empty room, it all settled. Heavier than the soaked clothes hanging off her body. Her hair stood on end, and not just from the cold. Voices ringing in her ears. The same ones that shouted in her dreams.

Catra shook her head to clear it. They couldn’t stay here. Adora was soaked anyway, and probably needed new clothes and her own bed.

“I’ll be back. Don’t move.” When Adora didn’t react, she figured she had fallen asleep. That was alright, Catra would be fast.

She closed the door to the house and locked it behind her, tucking the key into one pocket while grabbing her phone out of the other. She dialed while she ran.

“Scorpia?” she said once someone answered.

“No, it’s Perfuma. Scorpia’s helping a—”

“I need to borrow your car,” Catra said louder than probably needed but it was raining hard and she was short on breath from running.

“Why?”

“It’s an emergency,” she panted. “I promise I’ll explain everything later, but can you just meet me at the front of the store with the keys in like a minute?”

“I’ll be there.”

* * *

By the time Catra got Adora and all her construction materials into Scorpia’s hatchback Subaru, there wasn’t an inch of her that wasn’t completely saturated with water. She hopped into the driver seat, started the engine, and immediately blasted on the heater. In the passenger seat, Adora sat slumped against the window already snoring again—just as Catra had found her when she came back to the house.

Scorpia’s radio kicked on, playing out some pop song and making Adora stir. Catra flicked the sound off, and peace returned to Adora’s face.

The sound of rain splattering on the windshield filled the silence as they drove. Every now and then Catra pulled her eyes from the highway to the girl sleeping next to her. A line of drool spilled from her mouth and onto her shoulder. She couldn’t help but think it was at least a little cute.

Today was a very weird day.

Catra pulled off the road as close as she could to the lighthouse. “Adora you need to wake up.”

Adora just snored. Catra sighed and stepped out of the car, coming around to the other side and opening the door.

“We’re at the lighthouse. I need you to wake up, so I can get you inside.”

“Five more minutes,” Adora mumbled, shying away from the dripping rain leaking into the car.

Catra dropped her head into hands and then looked up at the dark cloudy sky. “Why me?”

There was no answer.

Letting out a longsuffering sigh, Catra reach around her and pulled off her seat belt. Then she smacked Adora face—not hard, but enough to startle her awake.

She yelped and her eyes flashed open, wide and looking around until they landed on Catra. “What—”

“I drove you home,” Catra said, “and now I need you to be awake, so you don’t fall when I give you a piggy-back ride to the lighthouse.”

Her eyes were still wide with shock and confusion. “You didn’t have too… I can…”

Catra clapped her hands in front of her own face and sucked in a breath, trying to control her frustration. “Look, I don’t care about whatever ‘do it myself’ complex you have got going on. I’m standing in the rain, soaked to the bone, and I need you to get on my back because there is no way in hell I am dragging you up that hill.”

Adora’s mouth clamped shut, and she nodded.

It took some shifting and adjusting, but eventually they started the trek to the lighthouse with Adora draped over Catra’s back.

Each step was a trial. Trudging forward through the rocks and around the holes. The tide rose around her ankles, and she bit her lip trying to keep her cool. It was only a little water not the whole ocean. She was fine. She had to focus on not falling and dropping Adora.

When they finally arrived at the door, Catra almost cried. She pushed it open with her shoulder and stepped out of the rain.

It looked different. Organized and clean. No more broken furniture and dirt and trash. Just clean floors, a stack of organized boxes, and fixed table and chairs. Yet Catra’s face fell. No bed. It must be on the next floor.

“Hey Adora?”

“Hmmm?” she hummed as she lifted her head off her shoulder.

“Do you think you can climb the ladder?”

She didn’t answer at first as if she was thinking it through, but eventually she said, “I think so.”

Catra stood at the base of the ladder—arms ready to catch her if she fell—but Adora made it to the top without issue. Once at the top herself, Catra found Adora laying flat on her back, spread eagle on the floor.

“Today… sucks,” she huffed.

“Tell me about it,” Catra said as flicked on the light in the room and then pulled her back up to her feet.

Adora moved towards the bed, but Catra held her back.

“We should probably get you into something dry before you get into bed.”

“My stuff’s over there,” she said pointing to a pile of suitcases.

Kneeling beside them, Adora dug through the clothes. She pulled out a pair of sweats and a long sleeve shirt.

“No flannel this time?” Catra cocked an eyebrow and then smirked when Adora glared at her.

Thankfully, Adora was feeling well enough to dress herself. Catra stood facing the wall, toeing at the new floorboards while she waited. Adora really had gotten a lot of work done on the place. It actually didn’t feel like it was going to collapse on top of her anymore.

“Do you want to change too?” Adora asked. Catra flipped around and saw her holding out a bundle of clothes. “These should fit you mostly. You can borrow them, so you aren’t soaked.”

Catra reach out, but then pulled her hand back. She should probably just make sure Adora is in bed and okay and then leave. Adora shouldn’t have to deal with her just because she feels she has to pay her back.

So she dropped her hand and turned away. “I really should probably go…” Her voice trailed off as she looked out through the new window Adora had installed.

Where the water had only been a few inches deep when they crossed, it now raged and boiled. High waves crashing against the rocks. A vice wrapped itself around her chest. She couldn’t cross that even if the thought didn’t make her feel like she would implode.

“But it’s getting on high tide,” Adora said.

When Catra drug her eyes away from the stormy ocean and back to Adora, her blue eyes were scrunched a little—pleading.

“Stay at least until the water goes down. It won’t bother me I promise.”

Did she really have any other option?

“Fine.”

Adora whooped and tossed the clothes at her. Catra almost missed them, caught off guard by Adora’s smile. She hadn’t seen her smile like that before. Big and warm and happy. It left her heart stuttering in a weird way.

Adora cleared her throat, and Catra jerked out of her trance. She turned around to hide the blush on her cheeks.

“Get in bed,” she grumbled. “And don’t look.”

Catra heard her make her away across the floor and shuffling as she situated herself on the bed. Peeking over her shoulder, Catra saw a human shape covered head to toe in blankets. What a dork.

The wet fabric of her clothes clung to her skin making it hard to pull off. She dropped them into a wet pile on the floor and picked through the what Adora had given her. There were sweats and a purple long sleeve t shirt with a Brightmoon University logo printed on the front. Adora had included a pair of fuzzy socks as well as some boxers. Her cheeks burned red again. But she really didn’t want to be stuck in her wet underwear. So she stripped everything off—opting to just go bra-less for the time being—and changed into the new clothes. They were two long and baggy, but she did her best to roll the sleeves and make do.

“I’m decent,” Catra called as she placed her wet into a more organized pile near the ladder.

Adora pulled the blanket from off her head, and this time she was the one staring. Eyes scanning up and down her body.

And Catra’s heart did the stuttering thing again.

“I um…” Adora’s eyes jumped back up to her face when Catra started to speak. “I’m going to go and get you something to eat. That’s what sick people need right?”

She bolted down the ladder before Adora could even respond.

Adora’s little kitchen was only sparsely stocked. Catra wasn’t surprised. Self-care didn’t seem to be in her vocabulary. Searching through the little fridge and cupboards left her with a can of stew as their best option. She dug through the drawers until she found a pot and can opener. She poured the stew into the pot and placed it on the hot plate Adora had set up on the counter. As it heated up, Catra looked around the room.

No wonder Adora was exhausted; she had been _busy_. The boards had been replaced by new windows. Furniture had been mended or fixed. Holes in the walls and ceiling had been patched. It was starting to actually look livable. Only took her a month of non-stop working and living in this crap hole until then.

When the stew was steaming, Catra ladled it into two bowls. She placed them onto a tray along with spoons and did her best to balance while climbing back up the ladder. Took her longer than usual, but she made it without spilling.

“You need to build one of those pulley things in here,” she grumbled as she approached the bed.

Adora opened her eyes and looked at her confused. “A dumbwaiter?”

“Whatever.” Catra shrugged. “Sit up, I brought you some stew.”

Though her movements were still lethargic, Adora got up fast and when Catra handed her the bowl she started to eat like she never had before.

Catra laughed as she sat on the other end of the bed. “Don’t choke on it princess. I already saved you once today I don’t want to have to do it again.”

Adora didn’t even react. She just swallowed her bite and closed her eyes, humming with pleasure. “What did you do to this to make it taste so good?”

“Literally nothing.” Catra narrowed her eyes at her. “When was the last time you ate?”

When Adora wouldn’t meet her gaze, she had her answer. Too long ago.

“You have to take care of yourself, Adora. Especially if you are going to be working so hard.”

Adora rested the bowl in her lap. “Not to be rude or anything. But why do you care? You barely know me and now you’ve gone way out of your way to help me. If this is about you breaking in before, you don’t have to worry anymore. You don’t owe me anything.”

The question hit Catra like wave. Dragging her off into a raging sea of thoughts. She had spent a lot of time not caring. About Scorpia or Entrapta. School or work. Even herself. Things hadn’t turned out very well. It took her a long time to let her friend—and her therapist—help her start digging out of the hole.

“I guess I know what’s it’s like to need someone to care about you and help you. I figure it’s my turn to do the caring.”

Catra looked down at the spoon in her fingers. She wasn’t sure what Adora would say, but she wouldn’t take it back. Scorpia would be so proud.

Neither of them spoke. When Adora didn’t respond, Catra started to eat again. She would let her have control of the conversation for now. She could hear Adora’s spoon clink against the bowl as well, scrapping up every bite.

Movement caught Catra’s eyes and she looked up to watch Adora lean over and place her bowl on the floor. When she sat back up their eyes met—Adora’s looking red and tired.

“I’m sorry that I ruined your day,” Adora whispered.

This was an easier topic to handle. “You honestly probably made it better.” Catra took her last bite and put her bowl on the floor too. “It wasn’t very good to start off with, but this at least was an adventure.”

Adora huffed. “I’m glad you at least thought of it that way.”

“Just another thing for me to tease you about.”

“I’m sure I won’t here the end of it for a while,” Adora chuckled a little, lightening the mood in the room. “What was that place you took me before you got the car?”

And the light mood was gone.

“It’s um sort of my house. But I don’t live there.”

“Why—”

“I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?” Catra started off shouting but quieted herself down by the end of the sentence.

“Sorry,” Adora mumbled.

Catra sighed. She really hadn’t meant to get mad. “It’s alright. It’s just… complicated.”

Adora nodded and they both fell back into silence.

From where she sat, Catra looked around the room. Besides the bed and the suitcases, it was mostly empty. Except for a desk that sat on the other side of the circular room. She rose and moved towards it.

Laid out on the tabletop were piles of papers and notebooks and stuck to the wall above the desk were sticky notes. Everything was covered in notes and paragraphs—the handwriting slanted like she had been writing as fast as she could get the words out.

“What’s all this?” Catra asked. She picked up a notebook and flicked through it. Writing covered every empty space of the page. The handwriting getting so sloppy in some places she couldn’t even pretend to read it.

“Oh it’s just some, uh, writing projects,” Adora fumbled with her words. “It’s… a hobby.”

Catra brought the notebook over with her and sat back down on the bed. She picked through what she could read. Something about a magic flying unicorn. Catra would have laughed (and she probably would later)… but it was actually good.

“I didn’t know that you were into this stuff,” Catra said, still flicking through pages. “I thought you were like Jared, 19.”

She looked up to see Adora’s face all scrunched up in confusion, trying to piece it together.

“Never learned how to read,” Catra deadpanned.

Adora’s face lit up at the realization and then dropped immediately into a scowl that left Catra cackling.

“The freaking vine?” Adora scoffed. “I’ll have you know that I got my undergrad in English. I most definitely know how to read!”

“Relax princess, I was just joking.” Catra tossed the notebook into her lap and laughed when Adora jumped. “I’m guessing you got your Masters in construction then given your other hobby.” She gestured at the room and all it’s patch work and new floors.

Adora rubbed at the back of her neck. “No actually I went to law school.”

“No shit?”

Adora just shrugged.

“So then you’re the real deal. All educated and everything. How’d you end up in a ho dunk town like this?”

“It’s complicated,” Adora said.

And Catra got the message, so she moved on.

“I don’t know how you majored in English. I’m taking one English class right now, and I’m this close to just dropping it and taking an L.” Catra held up her thumb and index finger and only kept them separated by a hairs width of space.

Adora looked between her face and her fingers with a smug smile on her face. “You know if you want, I could help you.”

Catra let her hand drop to her side. “You’d do that?”

“Uh, you literally probably saved my life today,” Adora said. “And I might as well use my degree for something worthwhile.”

And there was the heart thing again. Catra clenched her hands at her side for a second to keep herself from pressing them against her chest. It took a second for her mind to catch up and think of a response.

“How about this,” she finally said. “You can help me with my writing homework if you let me help you with your renovation. That way I don’t fail, and you don’t work yourself to death.”

Catra held her hand out towards Adora. “Deal?”

Adora’s face scrunched again like it did when she was thinking, but then her big calloused hand slid into Catra’s. “Deal.”

They bounced their hands once and then let them hang there in the air. The press of Adora’s skin burned against hers and not just because of the fever. When she looked up from their hands, she caught Adora looking at her. Almost like she was searching for something.

Catra dropped her hand and turned away. “You should probably be getting some rest. Sleep off your fever.”

She heard Adora’s hand thump as it fell against the bed. “Okay… I don’t have an extra bed or couch or anything. I’m sorry that you are trapped here with me.”

“Don’t apologize, I’m fine.” Facing Adora again she saw how she sagged in defeat. “I’m serious, don’t stress. If just sit here at the end of the bed are you going to have enough space?”

Adora’s eyes lightened a little bit. “Yeah, I sleep curled up anyway.”

Catra flicked off the lights, and they both got situated: Catra sitting with her back against the wall, and Adora huddled under all her blankets in a ball at the top of the bed.

The room was quiet until Adora’s quiet deep breathing filled it, echoing with the crash of the waves against the rocks outside. Catra pulled out her phone to entertain herself—it would be a while before the tide went down again. She texted Scorpia to fill her in on what was happening—having to go into way more detail then she would have liked, but Scorpia had let her borrow her car without question so she deserved it. And then Catra saw Octavia’s texts again. She had forgotten them in all the craziness. Her finger hovered over the contact.

Adora grumbled, rolling over in her sleep. Her legs spread out and kicked against Catra a bit, pulling her attention away from her phone. A foot had slipped out from beneath the covers, so Catra went to pull them back over. Tucked beneath the top layer of blankets was a familiar one. The thick white and gold knit one she had bought from Razz’s. Adora had not only kept it, but let it be the one that wrapped around her at night.

She covered Adora’s foot and patted it softly. And when she looked at her phone again, she deleted the text conversation with Octavia. Dropping her phone by her side, she rested her head against the wall behind her and closed her eyes. Letting her mind drift with the sound of the wind and the ocean and Adora sleeping beside her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the idiots to lovers story arc. What do you think? Any thoughts, feelings, ideas or suggestions? I promise every comment or kudo makes me write like 5x faster so don't be shy!
> 
> Also you probably noticed that every chapter has a song. This is the link to a playlist that has all the songs. The day before I post a new chapter I will add the next song so if you want sneak peeks follow the playlist:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=Cs_qJCQPQ5GWhZinR86yYQ


	5. Helpless Against the Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's PoV
> 
> Every Breaking Wave --U2  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/1LqyRBUM9VpzWjiZpBi9KM?si=8hybwmk6TyGg4kQB3LPccA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was another hard one for me to write but hopefully you like it. Sorry about the delay, I've been out of state so you usually won't have to wait this long

_Every breaking wave on the shore_

_Tells the next one there'll be one more…_

_Every sailor knows that the sea_

_Is a friend made enemy_

_And every shipwrecked soul knows what it is_

_To live without intimacy_

_If you go_

_If you go your way and I go mine_

_Are we so_

_Are we so helpless against the tide_

_Baby, every dog on the street_

_Knows that we're in love with defeat_

_Are we ready to be swept off our feet_

_And stop chasing every breaking wave_

Adora’s feet pounded against the hard wet sand of the beach. Sweat dripped and pooled all over her body. It only got worse as the sun breached the horizon and shone through the trees on the shore. She had been out running for a while now. Burning down the length of the long stretch of beach a little north of the lighthouse. At least three miles one way. And when she arrived at the craggy edge of the beach—mossy cliffs shooting upwards blocking her path—she tapped the rock and turned back around. No time to stop. No breaks. She needed to make up for her four days worth of forced ‘rest time’.

Catra had made her to hold off on any laborious activities until she was one hundred percent sure that she was healthy again—even though after a night’s sleep Adora had felt basically fine despite the runny nose and occasional dizziness. That meant no daily morning runs, no biking to get materials, no working on the house at all.

She would have never complied, but Catra was maybe more obstinate than Adora was. And _maybe_ she had been feeling a little weak and tired at first, so she couldn’t really say no to the help Catra gave without even asking. Bringing back her bike. Hauling in the materials she had bought from Lashor’s. Coming to check and make sure that she was resting. Even bringing some food for her. And when Catra wasn’t there in person she was texting her, threatening to facetime if she ever got the slightest suspicious that Adora wasn’t resting.

Adora was thankful for the communication at least. Without work to keep her busy, all she had to do was procrastinate writing, take walks collecting cool pieces of driftwood and rocks, and talk to Catra. Texting might have been the only thing keeping her sane.

Forcing air through her lungs, Adora ran faster. Catra would be arriving soon to help with construction. The help was nice, but it all felt like too much. Adora didn’t know how she could pay her back. How to explain that she didn’t deserve it. Each burning breath brought a new wave of spiraling thoughts. This hadn’t been part of her plan. She had wanted to get away from people not connect with someone new. She would just hurt Catra, fail her like she failed everyone else. Not that she wanted to, it was just inevitable. A constant like the waves rolling onto the shore.

She _should_ let her go. Tell her not to come again. But every time she typed out the text message, she couldn’t get herself to press send.

Water soaked into her sneakers as a wave splashed up her legs. Adora skipped back up out of its reach. She shook her head and tried to focus just on the movement of her body—keeping her path straight instead of veering into the sea.

By the time she made it back to the lighthouse, the sun had risen above the tree line. She stood for a moment with her hands on her knees, catching her breath while she watched the white spray of the water as it hit the rocks. She stretched her legs out and then headed back into her house, going to shower and change before Catra showed up.

A little bit later she emerged in work clothes and gloves and made herself busy. Getting the tools ready. Moving supplies. Shifting the tarp on the roof so the section they would work on was uncovered. Making sure everything was prepped for her new work partner. Fueled by the nervous energy that had eaten at her after being unable to work for days.

And maybe Catra coming made her a little anxious too.

It wasn’t long before she heard the roar of a motorcycle approach. She dropped the heavy bag of shingles she carried over her shoulder down onto the pile by her ladder. Turning to look out towards the highway, Adora watched Catra pull off her helmet and dismount her bike. Even from a distance she could see how each movement was strong and practiced. A little mesmerizing. When Catra faced up towards the lighthouse, Adora flipped back around to her work. 

From her collection of tools, Adora picked up her tool belt and clipped it onto her waist. She filled it with the things she’d need for the day. And as she did, she cast looks across the rocks watching Catra skip and jump her way over easily. Almost like she was dancing.

With the weight of the tools the belt hung low on her hips, but Adora had gotten used to the feeling over the weeks of working. She stretched, back arching and arms reaching high making her t-shirt ride up a little. Readying her muscles to work again.

A soft squeak behind made her drop her arms and turn around. Catra stood a little bit away watching her. She looked different than Adora had ever seen her—tight jeans and leather jacket replaced with work gloves, loose cargo pants, and a light rain jacket over a tee from a band she didn’t recognize.

“Oh Catra, I didn’t hear you,” Adora said hoping to hide her own staring, “You’re so quiet.”

Catra broke out of whatever trance she was in and smirked. “No, you’re just oblivious.” She came to Adora’s side and looked up at the roof with hands on her hips. “What’s on the to do list for us on this early early morning, princess?”

“It’s only eight. I usually get working way before this.”

Snatching the hammer from Adora belt, Catra held it by the head and waved the handle in her face. “Sorry I don’t have a stick up my butt like you do. I like my sleep.”

Adora rolled her eyes and grabbed the hammer back. “I think you’re just lazy.”

Catra mock gasped. “I’m offended. I bet I’ll get twice as much done as you.”

“Bring it on.” Adora gestured for Catra to climb the ladder with a smug smile smeared on her face.

While Catra made her way up to the roof, Adora threw a bag of shingles onto her shoulder. It was a bit awkward, but she managed to hold it while she climbed the rungs. At the top she dumped the load. When she stood straight, she found Catra watching her again. Standing higher on the incline of the roof, Catra was shorter than her. But they were even enough to lock eyes.

The briny sea breeze tousled Catra’s short hair. She turned her face into it, taking a deep breath of the salty air. Giving Adora a clear view of the sharp cut of her jawline.

Adora coughed a little and turned her gaze back to the roof. “So I got the moisture barrier stapled down. Now we just have to nail on the shingles.”

“Show me what to do Bob the builder.” Catra laughed at her own joke, but Adora only gave her a confused look. “You didn’t watch that show either?”

Adora shook her head.

“You must have had an awful childhood.”

Now she laughed. “You have no idea.”

Before Catra could react, Adora inched her way down to the edge of the roof. Pulling out one of the asphalt shingles and lined it up with the corner. “The shingles overlap each other, so place them all across the bottom and build up. Do you think you can line them up while I hammer them down?”

“Sounds easy enough.” Catra knelt beside her and replaced her hands holding the shingle piece in place. She sat perched on the edge of the roof without batting an eye even with the wind blowing off the sea. “Nail away, princess.”

Adora fumbled to grab the hammer from her belt and fish a handful of nails from one of the pockets. She placed the nail and raised the hammer.

“Don’t you dare hit my fingers,” Catra said.

Her hand froze mid decent. “Of course I won’t. I’m not an amateur.” She let the hammer fall and hit the nail square on the head. A another hit and it sunk all the way in. She moved on to the next spot on the shingle and did the same.

“Don’t professionals have power tools for this? Like nail guns or something? A hammer seems pretty amateur to me.”

“I know more than you at least, lazy butt.”

Catra stuck out her tongue, but Adora ignored her and focused on getting the shingle attached to the roof instead. Without being asked, Catra grabbed another piece and laid it out for Adora. They fell easily into a pattern. Not needing to talk to know where the other needed them to be or what to do. But it wasn’t a particularly riveting job.

“So um, besides not watching fundamental childhood media, what did you like to do as a kid?” Catra asked.

Shrugging, Adora nailed the next nail and avoiding looking at her.

Catra groaned. “Come on we have to talk about something while we’re up here. I can only carry this conversation with my excellent humor for so long.” She paused a moment as she got another shingle ready. “How about this: we’ll play a game. We take turns asking questions and the other has to answer. The person who answers the most questions wins.”

“I don’t know…” Adora said.

“Scared?”

Adora knew she was just goading her. Trying to trick her into playing along. But how could she say no to that?

“Okay, okay. When I was a kid, I didn’t have toys or books or movies, I liked to play outside and act out little stories I made up in my head.”

“I can just imagine cute baby you pretending to be a princess.” Catra laughed. “You didn’t grow out of the dorkiness then.”

Normally, she would have blushed but Adora was ready for her turn. “And what about you? What things did you do as a kid?”

“Real creative question there,” Catra said and Adora just shrugged. “I did a lot of exploring and running wild around town. And I pulled the best pranks on my adopted mom.”

“You’re adopted?” Adora felt her eyebrows shoot up.

Catra waved a gloved finger at her. “Nuh uh, it’s not your turn to ask.”

“You’re the worst,” Adora groaned, hitting the next nail particularly hard.

“Thank you, I try,” she said. “My turn. Why did you decide to become a lawyer?”

“Oh um…” she didn’t really want to get into it—veering too close to dangerous territories. But just the thought of Catra’s face if she were to pass on the questions was enough for her to throw caution to the wind. “It all sort of started with one of my best friends from college. She and I would talk for hours about how much we wanted to help people. Her mom was a lawyer and did a lot of amazing things for her community, so that’s what she wanted to do to. It seemed like the right thing to do, so I went along with it. We worked hard and graduated early then went to law school together. Things didn’t really go as I planned, but that’s at least how it started.”

Adora peeked a glance to see how Catra would react, but all she did was nod—soaking the information in for a quiet moment.

“You’re turn,” she said eventually.

“What’s your adoption story?”

She groaned. “Won’t let that one go, will you?”

Adora tilted her head with a smirk. “You can always pass—”

“Hell no,” Catra scoffed. “It’s a waste of a question anyway. There isn’t much of a story. My parents died in a car wreck when I was a baby, and then I was adopted. All I’ve ever known is my adopted mom, but she was hardly a mom to me.”

Adora stopped working to look up at her. She had spoken nonchalantly but her body told another story—jaw clenched, and eyes laser focused on anything but Adora. Catra bumped her shoulder into Adora, almost knocking her off the roof.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” Catra said, almost sounding like a hiss.

But Adora hadn’t paused out of pity probably like Catra thought. She just hadn’t expected to find a similarity like that.

Catra obviously didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so Adora went back to hammering nails. “Now you’re turn.”

“What were you like in high school?”

This one actually made Adora sigh in relief. “That’s easy. I played a lot of sports—varsity and everything. I barely had time for my classes, but I somehow managed to pass the AP classes my mom made me take.”

“A jock and a nerd?” Catra chuckled. “We would not have gotten along.”

“Oh yeah? Then what were you like in high school?”

Catra grabbed the next shingle, she let it drop to the roof with a splat. “Are you going to keep copying all my questions?”

Adora shrugged. “It’s not against the rules, so I’ll do it all I want.”

She rolled her eyes. “I didn’t have many friends. Just Scorpia and another girl named Entrapta. Everyone else was too preppy and fake. I spent most my time hanging out with them at least at the beginning of high school. But I fell in with a…” Catra cringed into herself a little. “Different crowd. I dropped out halfway through junior year.”

“I see what you mean about us not getting along,” Adora said. “You probably would have hated me.”

Catra waved the thought off. “Don’t take it personally or anything, princess. I hated everyone back then.”

She asked another question and Adora asked one after. Some toeing the lines of privacy and some not, but neither of them ever passed on answering. As time went on Adora completely forgot they were even playing a game. They were just talking.

Adora knew there were things that Catra wasn’t telling her. A shady nature to Catra’s past that made her answers vague and short when Adora asked something too close to the point. The tense shoulders and curt responses made her back off. She couldn’t blame her—Adora was hiding enough of her own. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the way Catra’s eyes looked whenever she talked about her past. Heavy. Tired. Sad.

They made something in Adora’s stomach twist. Wanting to fix it. Make it better.

Around noon they took a break and ate whatever they could pilfer from Adora’s kitchen before heading back up to work. Catra insisted on taking a turn with the hammer. Adora would never say it, but she was thankful to give her arm a rest. And their conversation carried over through all of it.

The sun hung low in the sky, sending gleaning reflections off the sea into their eyes, by the time they laid the last shingle on the side of the roof they were working on.

Adora pushed against her knees, straightening her back with a groan and offering a hand up to Catra. They stood on the peak of the roof and looked down at their work, wiping sweat and sea mist from their foreheads.

“Yup,” Catra said, “I definitely did twice the work you did.”

“In your dreams.” Adora shot back. “You didn’t hammer nearly as long as I did!”

“Because I was more efficient. You’re basically the slowest person on earth.”

Adora scoffed and pushed Catra’s shoulder. Catra just cackled and rebalanced herself. Adora let her gaze rise from the new shingled roof and up to sun setting over the ocean. The tide pulled out away from the hill, waves rising and falling almost lethargic out towards the horizon.

“Pretty huh?” Adora asked.

Catra made choking sound. Adora looked over to her confused, and Catra’s eyes flashed away from her own—looking out at the ocean view. “Yeah pretty,” she mumbled.

She didn’t give Adora time to figure out what all that meant. “So um, Scorpia and Perfuma wanted me to ask you if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight. It’s not anything fancy, but they always end up making more than us three can eat, so you wouldn’t be imposing. And Scorpia is making her apple pie and trust me it’s to die for… so do you want to come?”

Adora really did think about it. The thought of a home cooked meal and pie had her stomach rumbling. And no matter how hard to tried not to, she liked spending time with Catra, she really did. But two other people she barely knew? Becoming friends with Catra was an accident. She was glad that it happened—she might be dead if she hadn’t—and she couldn’t find it in herself to end the connection. That didn’t mean that Adora would inflict herself upon anyone else.

“Thanks for the offer really, but I am going to try and get some writing done tonight.”

For a second disappointment flashed across Catra’s face but was replaced with indifference. “Your loss.”

They made their way down the ladder one after the other. Once on the ground, Adora moved the ladder back to a spot safe from the wind and quickly put her tools back in the house. When she stepped back out, Catra was waiting for her—hands stuffed in her pockets as she balanced on a rock. She noticed Adora’s approach and hopped down.

“So I finished writing this stupid essay for my class, and I know it’s awful. If I sent it to you do you think you could look over it and make it somewhat readable?”

“Of course,” Adora said. “I’ll look over it tonight if you share it when you get home.”

Catra’s almost perpetual smirk shifted into something softer. “Promise not to judge me on my bad writing?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Adora made the motion over her chest. “Just like on Peter Pan.”

She rolled her eyes, but the smile stayed. “Of course. Out of all the good movies in the world, you’ve seen that lame one.”

“I like more than just horse movies, Catra.”

Catra snorted and started to make her way down the hill, but she turned before she got too far. “Someday I’m going to force you to watch some actually good movies with me.”

And Adora couldn’t help but feel a little excited at the thought of spending time with someone (especially Catra) outside of working. “I look forward to it.”

Catra’s smile grew bigger, but she flipped back around again too quickly for Adora to really enjoy it.

“See you later, princess.” She waved over her shoulder.

“Bye Catra,” Adora shouted back.

She watched to make sure that she made it across the way safe. When Catra was finally on her motorcycle, they waved again. Then she was gone, cruising off down the highway.

Adora finished putting things away before heading back inside to make herself some dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy but she ended up with some pretty decent burritos. She brought the two she had thrown together up to eat at her desk.

Over the weeks of working and then being trapped inside sick, she had made little headway on her writing. Her character—still unnamed—had made her way out of the sea storm with it’s tossing waves and lightning, but the voices on the wind still followed her even into the calm. Really it was more than just calm—they were both stuck in doldrums.

Adora had really tried to write something new. Move the story forward. Develop the character. Something. But every time she sat down with her laptop and tried to put words down nothing happened. Her girl sat in a stalled ship, stuck watching the horizon blend sea and sky. The sun beating down on her, burning her skin and eyes. Adora couldn’t get the story to move forward no matter how hard she tried. Every attempt always ended up poorly and eventually erased. The process was as mind deadening as the constant beating of the waves against the side of the boat.

But Adora still had to try. Couldn’t give up.

She flexed her fingers and started writing. A couple minutes of typing and erasing went by before a buzz pulled her from her thoughts. It was a text from Catra.

_I emailed my paper to you. I’m expecting A+ quality editing Miss English Major._

Adora huffed and put the phone down. She’d look at the paper later. Right now, she really needed to get something new written. Maybe she needed to introduce someone new to the story.

At the very edge of the bow on the ship, a seagull dropped from the sky. It’s squawk—louder than the harsh words swirling on the breeze—woke her character from her stupor.

Adora’s eyes widened a little as new ideas came rolling in. She kept typing.

The bird pestered the girl and she—mad with isolation—bickered back. And that was really it. The situation didn’t change. Her sails were still limp and motionless. But something was happening that Adora didn’t hate. Maybe she’d actually keep going with it. See where it took the story.

After writing for about an hour, Adora let herself take a break. She leaned back in her chair and stretched out her arms; the muscles already aching from working all day. But when she sat back normally, she didn’t go right back to her laptop. Instead she looked across her desk. She hadn’t had a chance to organize anything. Books and paper and notes strewn across every surface. The notebook that Catra had looked through sat on top of a pile.

Adora grabbed and opened it up over top of her keyboard. Really it hadn’t been that long since she had written in it, but it felt like forever. It was just a silly idea she had came up with—combining her love of horses and swords into a sword wielding princess with a flying unicorn companion. Scribbled on each page were different stories of their wacky adventures together and little (bad) doodles in the margins. Slowly, she flicked through each one.

She had other notebooks and other stories, but this had been the first one she had written down in years. Law school and then the law firm had taken all of her time, energy, and motivation. She wouldn’t have started this one if it hadn’t been for Bow. Adora had told him about the idea on a long drive, and he just wouldn’t let go. Everyday he hounded her about making time for herself and hobbies until finally she gave in and started writing in the new notebook he had gifted her.

He probably regretted it all now. Maybe he even blamed himself a little for what happened. But it was _Adora’s_ fault. She had let herself become distracted with a stupid dream. She had ruined everything.

Adora slapped the notebook closed and tossed it back onto the stack. Thinking about all that didn’t change anything. She’d already accepted defeat; that’s why she was here.

But she could at least help Catra with her paper. That’s one thing she could maybe do right. And maybe this time she won’t ruin the friendship. Somehow maybe this could be a start to making up for her line of failures.

So Adora pulled up the emailed essay and started to read through it—typing out comments and correcting the grammar. Relishing the feeling of helping someone she cared about that she hadn’t realized she’d missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? What do you want/think will happen? Validate me please haha comments always motivate me to write faster
> 
> Here's the fic playlist --> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=Cs_qJCQPQ5GWhZinR86yYQ  
> I update it with the next chapter song the day before I post the chapter so follow to get sneak peaks
> 
> also come see extra content and art on my tumblr (ecrooked24)


	6. It's Always Say Goodnight and Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> Goodnight and Go-- Imogen Heap  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/0vfWzo75MKGYiQSiT5jEzt?si=AeSK9KVTSVWua45F0Phqkw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three moments in which Catra goes oh... oh no
> 
> Also I have never written anything with texting in it so I'm still experimenting with how I want do it so sorry that the format keeps changing. How I have it now is how it'll be for the rest and I went back and changed past chapters. Thanks for your patience
> 
> Also ps. I once had to write a paper about mistletoe and this is definitely a way for me to complain about how dumb it was

_We'll have drinks and talk about things,_

_any excuse to stay awake with you_

_Why d'ya have to be so cute?_

_It's impossible to ignore you_

_Must you make me laugh so much_

_It's bad enough we get along so well_

_Say goodnight and go_

Catra clicked open the file on her laptop her professor had sent, holding her breath as the page loaded. She had been avoiding checking it all day. Now it was late, and she should be going to sleep because she had to get to the shop early to supervise a shipment from a new company, but she knew she’d never be able to fall asleep if she didn’t just bite the bullet and check. The site buffered for a long moment before the grade for the stupid mistletoe paper appeared. She let out the air with a gasp.

She had got an ‘A’. The first ‘A’ she’d gotten on any of the writing assignments. A few weeks ago she had been sure she was going to fail the paper and probably the whole class.

But that was before Adora. Before her unexpected significance in Catra’s life.

Catra didn’t let herself dwell on that—not thinking about what it could mean.

Instead she picked up her phone and found a bunch of notification from Adora sent over an hour before. Even though they had seen each other in person almost every day in the past week—mostly doing construction but there were a few evenings of writing the paper—their constant texting hadn’t died down. Adora must have done some browsing of Imgur or Reddit because she had decided to try and send memes back to Catra. And they were all… awful. Most either old ones she’d seen or verging into Facebook mom territory.

She opened the chat and read the first message.

_you’re going to have to accept that I’m the funny one soon._

Catra rolled her eyes and flicked through the images that followed. They weren’t half bad, but Catra had seen them already. But the last was a cat video. It’s reaction as it landed on a piano left her almost in tears as she watched it over and over again.

Adora still hadn’t dropped the habit of sending the animal videos. Catra had recently learned that Adora was a bit obsessed with them—distracting herself from writing by falling down a Youtube rabbit hole. She only sending the ones she thought Catra would like though. Usually she was right, but Catra never said so. Couldn’t have Adora getting any ideas about her actually caring about her or anything.

She typed out a response.

_sorry princess but you’ll never out meme me_

An answer came back in seconds.

_Did you get your grade back?_

Adora knew that feedback on the paper was due back that day. She’d already asked a couple times about it. Catra chalked it up to just curiosity. She _had_ spent a long time reading through the paper. And talking through the changes she should make. And maybe possibly reassuring Catra the night before she submitted it that it was good and she wasn’t going to fail. Adora was probably almost as invested as she was.

Catra took a picture of the ‘A’ on the screen and sent it. Dropping her phone on the pillow, she closed her laptop and put it away before laying back on her bed. Without the light of her screen the room was only illuminated by a streetlight shining through her window. There were blinds but Catra never shut them. It wasn’t very bright, but enough to for her to be able to see the room. To know it wasn’t closing in on her. Darkness not sucking out all the air.

Nothing like Weaver’s home. The closet.

She hadn’t made much progress on getting it clean and ready to sell since the fiasco with Adora. She could barely step onto the property alone and when she had brought Scorpia along with her five minutes inside the house had left her spiraling into a panic attack. Perfuma had said that it was okay to take babystep, but how could she be making progress when she didn’t feel like she was moving at all. And if she hadn’t gotten over all the shit Weaver had done by now, would she ever?

She fell backwards onto her bed and waiting for the ding of Adora’s text. Probably an absurd amount of emojis and explanation points. Super dumb. And Catra definitely didn’t smile a little imaging it.

The smiled disappeared when the blare of her ringtone filled the room. She frantically grabbed at her phone, finding the facetime screen along with the dorky contact picture of Adora almost falling off the roof.

Her finger hovered over red button. Catra was in her pj’s. She probably looked like an exhausted stressed mess after the day of waiting. She didn’t know why Adora texted her let alone why she would want to see her. Her phone continued to ring, but she knew any second it would end. Groaning, she finally answered.

Adora’s goofy face appeared. Like Catra, the light of the phone illuminated her face in a dark room.

Catra took a sharp breath. The lighting cast a hard shadow highlighting Adora’s strong jawline. A huge smile spread across her face, and her blue eyes shone. Catra couldn’t help but stare. Like she had back on the roof that first day—and days after. It wasn’t her fault that Adora face didn’t always look dumb. Or that she had abs. Or heavy bag lifting biceps. Catra should be used to it now, but it still got to her.

Catra jolted herself out of it. “Adora? Why are you calling?”

“I just wanted to congratulate you,” Adora basically shouted, “You got the ‘A’! I knew you could do it!”

She didn’t know how to respond. Why did Adora care this much? Her mouth opened and closed a couple times.

The excitement on Adora’s face faded. “Oh I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… we only ever text and its late. I just thought—”

“No dude, chill,” Catra interrupted. “You just surprised me is all.”

Thankfully, Adora’s panic started to dissipate. “Okay. Good.” She paused to take a deep breath. And then the cockiness returned. “I told you that you wouldn’t fail.”

“I would hope not with a smarty lawyer helping me.” Catra threw on her own smirk. “I think failure would reflect more on you than me at this point.”

“Suuuureeee. I’m just glad that I don’t ever have to think about mistletoe again. Who even makes that the topic of a research paper?”

“The devil,” Catra laughed. “What about Christmas though? No kissing under the mistletoe for you, princess?”

“After this paper? I’ll find anything else to kiss under besides the weird poisonous plant I now know why too much about.”

Adora threw her head back with a chuckle, and Catra joined her. Choosing to laugh instead of think about Adora and kissing and—

She flopped onto her side, face smooshing into her pillow while she looked at Adora.

Talking to Adora just came easy. They had never called before, but maybe they should have. They couldn’t stop talking—conversation jumping from one silly topic to another without awkward pauses or stops.

“You wouldn’t believe how messy Scorpia’s office was,” Catra said. She made funny expression as she spoke that left Adora giggling and okay maybe she really really liked the sound so she was milking it for all it was worth. “But I finally got all the boxes and files organized. It literally took me like _weeks_. Look at my hand.” She waved it in front of the screen. “I have so many papercuts, Adora. _So many_.”

“Are those kittens on your band aids?” Adora asked chuckling again.

Normally, she’d deny it. If it was Scorpia or Entrapta teasing her she’d end the call without another word. But with Adora the rush of embarrassment didn’t come.

“Don’t act like you don’t have unicorns and ponies on almost everything you own.”

Adora scoffed. “I don’t have them on _everything_ I own.”

Catra’s grin grew even bigger. “You need to stop pretending and finally admit that you are a horse girl.”

“I am not!” Her face got redder than it was after Catra caught her at the end of one of her ridiculous morning runs. “And if I am a horse girl, you’re a cat girl.”

She cocked an eyebrow. “I’m not the one in denial, princess.”

Really, Catra should be worried about this. She liked talking to Adora. Maybe too much. Spending all this time together. It was fun. More fun than she’d had in a long time. And that wouldn’t be a bad thing if during her whole life getting attached equaled eventually getting hurt. Because it was inevitable. Catra would screw up and lash out and do something dumb or hurtful then Adora would leave her. Once she realized Catra was a worthless addict basket case with mommy issues, Adora would want nothing to do with her. And even though Adora hadn’t told her much about her past, Catra was smart enough to figure out that she had left her own friends and family behind. So leaving someone she’s only known for about a month? Easy.

Catra knew she should end the call. Start to distance herself. Prepare for the hurt that she knew would come when Adora stopped looking at her with a smile and sparkling eyes.

But she couldn’t. stop. talking.

On and on. Laughing and bantering and just talking about their days. Catra’s work and Adora’s writing. It was like an addiction. The feeling when Adora laughed at her jokes rivaling most the drugs she’d ever let course through her system.

It was around 2am when Adora yawned so big her mouth took up almost the whole screen. Their conversation continued up but quieter, filled with long stints of just listening to the other breath. Catra’s eyes drifted closed every minute or so, but she forced them back open.

Adora’s giant mouth finally closed, and she looked up at the time. “Oh my gosh Catra! You let me keep you up so late when you work in the morning.”

“Eh I’ll be fine.” Catra stifled her own yawn. “That’s what coffee is for right?”

“Either way, I better let you get some sleep. Goodnight Catra.”

“Goodnight Adora.”

Adora waved and then ended the call.

Catra stared at the screen—Adora’s picture with the length of their call: 2:16:45 minutes. Then the screen timed out and went black. But still she held it. Imaging Adora’s smile and eyes and messy ponytail.

This was a real problem.

* * *

For once in maybe her whole entire life Catra was excited to get up in the morning. She changed out of her pjs and into her work clothes. Pushing her keys, wallet, phone into her pockets, she ventured towards the kitchen.

Perfuma greeted her. “You’re up early,” she said as she poured herself a cup of tea. “Did you want to join Scorpia and me for some morning yoga and meditation?”

Catra moved past her and opened a cupboard, grabbing two cereal bars. “I’ll have to pass. I’m helping Adora again today.” That definitely was a good enough excuse to get her out of all that flowery peaceful garbage with the lovebirds.

“Oh, you haven’t been over in a couple days. But I guess I should have known,” Perfuma snorted. “For who else would you willing get up at the crack of dawn.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Catra eyed her as she bit into one of the bars, shoving the other into her jacket.

“Oh nothing. I’m just glad that you made a real connection.”

Catra huffed, but Perfuma just took her cup of tea and moved to the back porch where Catra could see Scorpia asleep in one of the chairs. Even she must think Perfuma’s early morning routine was a little much. But she still did it anyways. Guess that was love.

“Don’t forget that Adora is welcome over anytime. Our dinner offer still stands.”

Fat chance of her saying yes though. “Thanks. I’ll let her know.”

And with that Catra was out the door and onto her bike.

Before Adora had moved in, Catra had taken the drive to and from the lighthouse plenty of times. She knew it well enough. The turns and dips and hills. But after driving it almost everyday for weeks she could do it without even thinking, even paying attention. Instead she could let her focus drift to the way the wind and rain pulled at her jacket like wings. Stung at the exposed skin of her neck. How it helped push her forwards—winds in her sails to the lighthouse.

They had finally finished the roof. Tore up the old and replaced the new. Making it water tight and stable against the wind. Thank goodness for her aching back, today they would start some new project. That’s the reason she was so excited, she told herself over and over again. It had nothing to do with seeing Adora again. They talked everyday anyway—texting and now facetiming in the evenings. Catra just wanted to work again that was all.

Catra parked her bike and made her way up to the lighthouse. But when she knocked on the door, no one answered.

“Running again, princess?”

She stuck her hands in her pockets and walked around the edge of the building looking out across the rocks and beach for her. It wasn’t hard to spot her, red jacket and windblown blonde hair standing out against the grays and blues around her.

Catra called out to get her attention but the roar of the waves and the wind drowned it out. So instead she skirted the cliffs and climbed down the mossy rocks.

Adore didn’t notice her, so Catra sat down on rock nearby high enough to keep her out of the water. She watched Adora for a moment dig through the sand, pulling at the tangled mess of an old net filled with seaweed and trash. The surf rolled up around her goofy red rubber boots, making her work harder. Catra only just stopped herself from chuckling at the way Adora stuck her tongue out in concentration.

A wave came in fast, and Adora—leaning down over the net—got a face full of sea water. She stood up sputtering and spitting.

“Need some help there?”

Adora yelped and jumped away from her in surprise. A boot got caught in the tangle, and she started to fall backwards—arms waving as she careened towards the water.

Catra snatched one of her outstretched hands and pulled her back up—Adora’s weight almost pulling her off the rock where she perched and into the waves with her. Adora fell forward, her face and arms falling into Catra’s lap. Catra stared down at her. That hadn’t been what she meant to have happen.

Adora blinked away the shock from her eyes before they went wide with the realization that her face rested against Catra’s thigh. She pushed herself up and a step away—but still held onto Catra’s hand.

“Sorry!”

Catra gulped hard, pushing away the feeling of Adora pressed against her. She plastered a smirk onto her face.

“How come you’re such a klutz? I thought you were supposed to be some big time jock in high school?”

The embarrassment on Adora’s face shifted into a scowl, and she dropped Catra’s hand. Immediately Catra shoved it into one of her pockets to replace the warmth Adora’s calloused fingers had provided—it wasn’t the same.

“ _You_ pulled me. And you scared me. You have got to stop doing that.”

“You just have to pay more attention, princess. What are you doing down here anyway? I thought your only modes were working out, writing, or construction.”

“I do more than that!”

Catra raised an eyebrow, and Adora just rolled her eyes.

“I wanted to come and look at the tide pools down here,” Adora said with a shrug. “I see them when I go running or bike to town, and I had never really seen tide pools up close so I decided to do some exploring this morning. Got a little carried away cleaning though.”

Adora scrambled up the rock to sit next to her

Catra snickered at her antics. “I could tell. You’ve never seen tide pools before?”

“I guess some, but they weren’t really good. I’ve spent my whole life in Seattle, and I guess I never really took the time to find any.”

“There are some decent ones around the city. You just have to know where to look for them.”

Now it was Adora’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “And you know _all_ about Seattle?”

“Probably more than you do you bougie lawyer.” Catra bumped their shoulders together. “I ditched this old town and lived there for the last five years. I’ve been all over that place.” To all the grimy and dangerous places that someone like Adora would never go.

“I’ve been around a little,” Adora said. “In college my friends would drag me away from studying to see the different sights.”

Her gaze fell to her lap, hands wringing in front of her. Her whole body curling into itself. Like it did anytime Adora talked about her friends. Catra hated it.

Jumping down to a lower rock, she held out a hand to Adora. “Well this isn’t the Puget Sound, but we can find the tide pools here you were looking for as long as we stay clear of the water?”

“What? Big bad Catra’s not a fan of the cold?”

“Something like that.” Catra took a step away from an incoming wave, doing her best not to hiss. Still she kept her hand outstretched. “What’d ya say?”

The big smile that spread across Adora’s face tugged that same old feeling back to Catra’s chest. Adora grabbed her hand and hopped down. “Lead away oh great master of the sea.”

Catra pulled her along, hiding her own smile. “I don’t know about that. I’ll take queen of the rock though.”

Adora pulled up a handful of seaweed, looped it into a circle, and offered it to her. “Here’s your crown your majesty.”

She knocked her hand away. “Stop being a goof. Let’s go find you some tide pools.”

But Adora’s big dumb grin only got bigger. “Lead on your highness.”

They didn’t stop joking around even as Catra pointed out the different patches of oysters and barnacles clinging to the rocks or little pools filled with greenish gray anemones and crabs that would dart away when they approached. Catra just couldn’t not make fun of the way Adora squealed when a crab dashed across her toes. Or how every time she found a shell with mother-of-pearl on the inside or a broken sand dollar, she’d shove it into her pocket. She always offered the unbroken ones up as ‘tribute to the queen’. Catra’s pockets were starting to get heavy.

Catra kept expecting Adora to realize how much time was passing. To stop and revert back to her usual go go go self. They were burning daylight or—considering how the clouds got darker and darker above them—time without pouring rain. But Adora just kept letting her guide her from pool to pool. Barely glancing at the watch on her wrist she usually compulsively checked every few minutes they weren’t working.

By the time the drizzle of rain grew hard enough they were forced to flee inside, hours had passed. But if Catra was being honest, it had felt like no time at all.

They burst inside and closed the door against the weather. Adora pulled the red jacket from her usual cable sweater and shook the water from it. Her eyebrows were scrunched and hands shaking.

Catra wiped the water from her own face and arms. “Are you okay?”

Adora placed her jacket on a hanger near the door and turned away. “I knew it was going to be stormy today and I wanted to get up some new siding before it got bad, but I let myself get distracted and who knows when the rain will die down enough for me to work again.” She said it all in one big breath, panting a little when she finished.

Distracted. Catra got stuck on the word. She was being dumb letting ideas of friendship and… fill her head. She was just a distraction to Adora. Keeping her from doing what she needed to do. Wouldn’t Weaver say the same thing? She always had in the past.

Adora turned around and sighed. “I’m sorry, you came out here for nothing. If you want to wait and see if it lightens up a little before you drive you can stay—”

“I’ll be fine, Adora.”

Droplets of water from her wet hair, ran down Adora’s face and neck. There weren’t tears building in her eyes. Adora wouldn’t cry over her.

But it still worried her. So she put on a small smile. “Don’t forget to send me that video of the seal and cat you were talking about, okay?”

Adora didn’t really smile back, but she at least nodded. “I will.”

Catra ran through the freezing rain and wind to her bike. As she drove back home the water soaked through to her skin, but she didn’t really notice the cold. All she could think about was the warmth that tugged on her chest when Adora squeezed her hand or laughed at her jokes. Only to be chased away by the word again: distraction. But the warmth always came back. A cycle of tug and pull. Tossing her around in the waves.

She knew this would happen. Getting closer to Adora would only mean getting hurt. She should back out now, save herself from the real rejection that would come.

When she got to the house, she was thankful to see Scorpia and Perfuma’s cars were gone. She dashed to her room and from her wet clothes. And when she pulled out her phone, she saw a text from Adora. Catra opened the video and cackled at it. She had sent a response before she even really thought about it.

_Your memes may be dumb but you can send me cat videos all day long_

So much for backing off. She just couldn’t help it. Couldn’t stay away.

Adora texted her back fast.

_Anything for you dear queen of the rock_

Then three new videos popped up.

Catra smacked her hand to her face before dragging it down slow. But she watched the videos. All of them. And texted back.

This really was a problem.

* * *

Catra felt like throwing her laptop out the window. Then she wouldn’t have to do this stupid final paper or this stupid English class at all. But she gripped onto her desk instead, scratching the wood with her nails.

She sucked in a deep breath. She could do this. All she had to do was pick a topic. And find credible sources about it. And do all the readings. And write out an argument in five to eight pages in a way that her professor actually could understand even if Catra could barely wrap her mind around the idea. She could do that by herself right?

The list her professor had provided of different possible topic ideas glared back at her on the laptop screen. The assignment had come two days ago, but any time she tried even skimming over it she was left with a massive headache. But she had to get started eventually. Catra forced herself to read through it. Her eyes moved from one phrase to another, jotting it down when anything seemed at least vaguely possible for her to write about. It took all her concentration—clenching her jaw and clutching the arm rest of her chair—to make it through. But when she looked down at her notes there were only three topics written down from a list of like a hundred.

Catra slammed her laptop shut and dropped her head down on it with a groan. She was going to fail this paper. And then fail the class. And if she couldn’t pass a stupid ENG 101 course from a community how could she even think she’d ever graduate. Just another thing Weaver was right about.

The thought of her adoptive mother made her hands shake. A hit would make her voice in her head go away. And all Catra’s worries about being a screw up for the rest of her life along with it.

She knew what her therapist would say though. Those things wouldn’t go away forever. She’d only be putting off dealing with it. But the emotions—fear, anxiety, shame—wouldn’t last forever (or at least that’s what they claimed). Just breath and ride it out.

Knowing all that didn’t make the urge any less strong.

She leaned back in her chair and took long slow breaths. When she sat up again though, the gleam of her laptop screen brought the heaviness in her chest right back.

So she looked away, picking up her phone instead and sending a message to Adora.

_Maybe with all the new construction skills I’ve learned helping your ass I can just drop out of college and start my own building company_

_Catra’s one woman roofing_

_Best snark and shingles out there_

_New English assignment is rough huh?_

She had told Adora about the final project. It had slipped out during a late night phone call when exhaustion spoke for her more than her filters did. Adora had offered her help again of course, but Catra told her she had it managed. When she got it all written out she’d have Adora look over it, but that was all. She didn’t want to take up more of Adora’s time and energy than necessary. At least _try_ not to be a distraction.

_Let’s just say a life of manual labor sounds better than writing this thing_

Catra waited for Adora to answer, but nothing came. In the evenings she usually texted back right away, but after a few minutes of zoning out waiting there was still no answer.

Adora was probably sick of her complaining. She had her own problems to deal with. The rain hadn’t stopped since their morning at the pools, leaving her stuck inside and unable to fix up her home. Catra knew that most the walls needed to be replaced. Adora had patched a lot of places, but it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Adora to suddenly drop her phone during a call and rush to fill a new crack or hole before too much water got in. Adora had to deal with all that plus whatever secret baggage she had. She hadn’t said much, but it was enough for Catra to know she was running from something—more likely someone. Her eyes got glazed and sad whenever she talked about her friends or life in the city. It didn’t take a genius like Entrapta to see that someone had hurt her.

Adora shouldn’t have to deal with Catra’s issues too.

So she closed the messages app and scrolled through social media. Refreshing page after to page in search of something to pull her thoughts away from the paper and Weaver and a hit and Adora.

Thirty minutes later, she had moved to her bed. Snuggled in a heap of blankets, watching weird tiktoks about painting jeans called jart.

She growled a little when the video suddenly ended, but when she saw it was Adora she answered with a smile.

“Hey Adora.”

“Hey Catra,” Adora panted. Her hands moved around, making it impossible to really see her face. And the background looked far darker than her room usually was.

“Where are you?” Catra asked.

“I… um well… I’m outside your house.” The phone stilled enough that Catra could see rain spilling off Adora’s hood and down her face.

“What!”

Catra jumped from her bed and dropped her phone, running from her room to the door. She found Adora standing on the porch clutching her bike.

“Did you bike all the way in the rain in the middle of the freaking night?” Catra grabbed one of Adora’s hands and hauled the lumbering idiot inside before leaning her bike against the wall just underneath the eave of the roof so it was mostly out of the rain. Closing the door, she faced Adora.

“What the hell Adora? Do you want to die? Should I just have left you in the road and got it over with sooner?” Catra whisper shouted—hoping Scorpia and Perfuma wouldn’t come to see what all the commotion was about.

Adora flinched, eyes fixed on the floor and her fingers automatically going to mess with the zipper of her red raincoat. “I thought I’d come over and help you with your paper since you were having a hard time and I thought I should call first but then I thought it would be fun to surprise you and I’ve biked in the rain before. But I should have called, and I can go. I shouldn’t have— you wouldn’t want m—I’m sorry I—”

Catra caught one of her fidgeting hands, and Adora’s eyes snapped up to her own.

“You biked all the way in the rain and dark to help me?”

She searched Adora’s eyes for some ulterior motive. Coming over in the middle of the night and risking pneumonia or getting hit by a car just because she was stressing about a homework assignment wasn’t really part of their deal. There had to be something else. Something she wanted or pity or anything. But Adora’s ocean eyes just gleamed with sincerity.

“Yeah,” Adora said. “I know how hard research papers can be. Glimmer—” Adora stopped herself and looked away quickly. “My friends always helped me with them. So I thought I’d help you.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“I know… I should have asked first. I’ll just go.” She took a step back towards the door.

But Catra stepped in front of her. “No.” It came out harsher than she meant, and Adora jerked away. Catra scrambled to fix it. “I mean you don’t have to go. You can stay if you want.”

Adora nodded slowly, a faint smile forming on her lips.

After she had taken off her boots and hung up her soaked jacket, Catra led Adora back to her room. She closed the door behind her softly and when she turned to watch Adora’s gaze drift slowly across the bare walls of the guest bedroom with Catra’s dirty clothes and cups and bowls everywhere.

Catra rubbed the back of her neck. “It’s not much. I’m just crashing here for awhile with Scorpia and Perfuma—”

“I literally live in an ancient lighthouse that is falling apart. Do you think I’m judging you about your room?” Adora said with a smirk.

“I guess not.” Catra laughed until she noticed water dripping onto the floor. Adora’s raincoat had kept her top and the backpack she wore underneath plenty dry, but her pants and socks were soaked. A small shudder was enough to confirm her suspicious.

“I bet you’re freezing.”

She moved to her dresser and dug through. Adora was too freaking tall to fit any of her clothes but thankfully Catra still had what Adora had lent her all those days ago. She had meant to bring them back, but after she washed them she always forgot and Adora never mentioned it so there they were. Catra pushed the folded stack into Adora’s arms.

“There’s a bathroom just down the hall to the right you can change in. Don’t be too klutzy and make a lot of noise or anything. Scorpia and Perfuma are sleeping.”

“I’ll be quiet as a mouse.”

“A gigantic mouse with four left feet maybe,” Catra said but Adora was already out the door.

While she was gone, Catra did her best to tidy up. She shoved everything she could into her closet and pushed the door closed, moving her chair in front of it to keep it from bursting open.

Now she had to figure out where they were going to sit. The bed was an option but just the idea of sharing the small twin bed with Adora left her feeling… something. So she pulled the blankets and pillows from the bed and laid them out on the ground.

Adora came back in as she was finishing up.

“I thought we could work on the floor,” Catra said. “If that works for you?”

She plopped down on top of a pillow and pulled a blanket around herself. “Good with me. So you want to fill me in on the deets of the project?”

Catra joined her in the pile. “So I have to write at least five pages arguing a point about a social issue with lot’s of sources and facts in it.”

“Okay so have you picked a topic?”

Catra groaned. She grabbed the piece of paper with her options and tossed it to Adora who only just managed to catch it without crumping it. “That’s all I’ve got.”

Adora glanced over the paper. “These aren’t bad. I bet you could find a lot to write about the ICE Detention centers.”

“Yeah I know.” Catra flopped backwards and pulled a pillow over her face. 

“Buuuttt I’m guessing you don’t really want to choose that one?”

Catra moved the pillow so she could only just see her. The faint light from the window shining against her creamy skin. “Does that make me an awful person?”

“Nah you’re an awful person for always calling me a horse girl.”

Kicking out her foot, Catra caught Adora in the leg. She grunted at the hit, but Catra guessed she was only doing it for show. Her legs were so hard they could probably break a watermelon between them.

“You’re supposed to be helping me not teasing me.”

“Okay. Okay. Let’s think of some topic ideas.” Adora laid down beside Catra, her hands raised to the ceiling as she gestured while she spoke. “What’s an issue that you are really passionate about?”

“Ummm, that Chick-fil-a is so good and yet the worst company ever.”

Adora barked a loud laugh. Catra pressed her hand over her mouth to shut her up.

“You have to be quiet,” she hissed, “Or I’ll kick you back out into the rain.”

She wheezed around Catra’s palm, but soon she nodded and pushed Catra’s hand away. “Sorry. _You_ made me laugh.”

Catra stuck her tongue out at her and then lay back down on her back—rubbing her hand against her thigh to try to stop the tingle of the feeling of Adora’s lips against her skin.

“Okay be serious,” Adora whispered when she caught her breath. “What gets you riled up? Homelessness? Awful billionaires? Homophobia? Police brutality?”

Sitting up, Catra rubbed her chin in thought. Adora looked up at her, eyes so soft and patient Catra couldn’t focus on them. “Something LGBT might be good. I have plenty of firsthand experience with those issues.”

“Oh… are you gay?”

“I thought it was pretty obvious,” Catra said without really thinking about it. But Adora didn’t say anything, and Catra whole body suddenly went rigid. Was Adora going to make this a big deal? Maybe in her weird cult she grew up in where they only watched horse movies and old Disney, they were homophobic. “Is that a problem?” she finally asked.

“No, no.” Adora sat up and waved her hands frantically. “I just was curious. I’m not always good at picking up signals. Or at least that’s what my friends tell—told me.” She met Catra’s eyes for a moment before her cheeks went red, and she looked away—reaching for her backpack and pulling out her laptop. “So there’s lots to work with when it comes to LGBT issues.”

Together they searched through different branches and options until finally Catra came up with an idea that didn’t sound like the absolute worst thing to write about.

“What if I focused on how LGBT youth face homophobia in their schools and homes?”

“I bet we can find tons of stuff on that.”

Catra got her own laptop and together they searched for studies and articles to use as sources. Anytime they found one they would paste the link to a shared google docs folder. The page just kept getting fuller and fuller. It would be tons of reading, but Catra actually felt like she was getting somewhere. Much further than just staring at three topics scribbled on a piece of paper.

Adora scoffed as she scrolled through an article.

“What is it?” Catra leaned against Adora’s shoulder to look at her screen.

Adora pointed to a picture of a white middle aged woman caught mid roar. “This lady tricked her daughter into outing herself and then outed her to her entire school before kicking her out.” She clenched her fist and pressed it hard against her thigh. “My foster mom was just like that—manipulative and sooo homophobic.”

The words hit Catra like a tsunami. There was a lot to unpack there. And Adora never shared like this. Catra had her own guesses about what that meant, but she’d much rather hear it from her. Better try and ease in slowly.

Catra spoke quiet and deliberate. “Did you ever have to deal with something like that?” She gestured to the awful women. “Are you gay too?”

Adora sucked in a sharp breath, and Catra pulled away from her shoulder to better look at her.

“No nothing like that. Hope… my foster mom… she was always just so vocal about how disgusting it was. And my friends in college were very _very_ bi and she did not approve of them at all. Kept saying I should let them go.” Adora’s hands moved erratically with her words. “And… I guess I don’t really know what I am. That’s sounds stupid probably but in school and the law firm I never really dated or let myself think about anything other than work. So I’m still figuring it all out.”

Catra listened silently as Adora rambled, letting her get everything she wanted out, until she ran out of steam. “Well you have plenty of time now.”

Adora nodded but didn’t say anything more.

Catra waited for something else. Anything else that she could use to understand Adora. They had this connection of fostering and adoption and shitty parents and maybe something else. From the way Adora dressed and ogled Scorpia’s muscles (and maybe looked at Catra), she guessed Adora probably had more queer feelings than she knew.

But that didn’t mean she’d ever have feelings for Catra.

Not that Catra wanted that.

They were just friends.

If that.

Right?

“So… I think this will be a good article to use in the paper,” Adora said. “I’ll add it to the doc.”

“Oh yeah right.” Catra shook her head a little and went back to her own laptop.

They continued to search and work, talking back forth as usual about new ideas or things they found. But all while working the back of Catra’s mind lingered on the conversation. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure Adora out. There was a lot more to her than Catra had originally thought.

Soon her eyes started to drift closed. Head sinking to chest. Falling asleep to the quiet clack of Adora’s typing.

Her laptop slipped from her grip, and then strong arms wrapped around her, lifting her from the warm blankets without a sound.

“Adora,” she grumbled. “What—”

“Shh, go back to sleep.”

Adora placed her down onto her bed. She felt her blankets fall on top of her and hands tuck them in gently. Unconsciously, she curled into the touch. Then they were gone.

Catra forced open her eyes and searched the dark room. Adora was loading up her backpack and collecting her clothes. Getting ready to leave.

“What about the rain?” Catra asked. The plea to stay there, with her, danced on the edge of her lips but stayed unspoken. She had to at least try to stay a little bit aloof. Keep herself from getting hurt.

“It sounds like it let up. I’ll be safe I promise. I’ve got lights for my bike and my jacket.”

She should just tell her to stay. Even if it was just on the couch.

“Don’t worry about me,” Adora said before Catra could open her mouth.

So she sighed and pressed her face into her pillow. “Text me when you get home.”

She heard shuffling. And then a warm rough hand found her own underneath the blankets. It squeezed her fingers gently, and Catra gasped quietly.

“I will. Goodnight Catra.”

“Goodnight Adora,” she hummed.

The hand left and the door opened and closed. And Catra was left with warmth spreading across her cheeks and a single thought filling her mind.

Oh no.

Problem might be an understatement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slaps screen* this fic can hold so much unrecognized flirting in it  
> Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos! This fic is literally me just projecting and writing out my dream future so I'm glad y'all appreciate it instead of just me crying to myself 
> 
> What do you think? How do you like how their relationship is progressing?  
> You got some more of both their backstories though only crumbs (sorry). Any guesses on what their stories are?
> 
> link to fic playlist-- updates day before each chapter is posted  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=6W0fW6e5QWWZ3tQaZJcCFQ
> 
> Feel free to come talk to me on tumblr too! (ecrooked24)


	7. Is It Alright To Feel Like I Do At All?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora PoV
> 
> Decimal- Novo Amor  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/1uliNs1keVwYclj74JX44R?si=uDSFg-cuT2us8sQTX0lidw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the delay! I moved and had finals and started working again so life has been crazy  
> But it's the longest chapter yet so I hope you enjoy

_Could you let me know?_

_I could make some time if you wanted_

_Couldn't find the phone_

_I guess I got that summer, you said_

_"I could be alright if you could rewrite my life"_

_And I said, "it won't phase me, but I reckon I may've been wrong"_

_I should let this go_

_I could be your water instead, I'll put on my coat_

_I could hear you stall in the way you said_

_"Is it alright to feel like I do, at all?"_

_Got caught up in the skylight_

_And the words just all came out wrong_

Adora jumped up from her seat as soon as she heard the distant motorcycle engine and was out across the rocks waiting near the road by the time Catra pulled up. They had seen each other that morning—tearing down old siding and replacing rotten beams until Catra had to leave to do some work for Scorpia—but Adora heart thundered with excitement anyway.

Catra lifted up the face shield on her helmet, exposing her smile and blue and gold eyes. And there were freckles dusted along her cheeks peeking out against the blush of Catra’s face from the drive.

Adora must have been staring because Catra cocked an eyebrow. “You good there, princess?”

Adora snapped her mouth closed and slid onto the bike behind her. “Yup all good here. All normal. How are you?”

“I’m fine you weirdo.” She revved the engine. “You know the drill. Hold on tight.”

Catra dropped her face shield, Adora wrapped her arms around her waist, and then they were off.

It was the new usual. Catra must have felt bad about the biking in the rain incident, so now any time Adora went over to Catra’s she got a ride to and from. The first few times Adora had argued that she could bike herself just fine. But Catra showed up anyway, ready to drive her before Adora had even stepped out the door. Whether it was after a day of doing construction together or Catra driving out of her way to get her, it didn’t matter. None of Adora’s arguments seemed to work against her stubbornness, so she learned to stop arguing and just be happy that Catra wanted her around at all.

And maybe she actually liked riding on the motorcycle. Feeling the wind ruffle her clothes. The adrenaline from the speed of Catra’s turns and straightaways. The warmth of Catra pressed—

Anyway the experience wasn’t one that she would ever complain about as long as Catra was offering.

When they arrived at the house, they waved at Scorpia and Perfuma lounging in the living room reading together before heading back to Catra’s room. Adora’s eyes fell first to the line of shells and driftwood sitting nicely on the windowsill. Spreading further and further across the space as the days went on. Catra always added the new ones Adora gave her. But there was still space to fill.

And she’d be out every morning on her runs searching for new treasures to fill it.

Catra jumped onto her bed, bouncing once as she settled in to sit with her back against the wall. “You ready for the most important experience of your life?”

Adora scoffed as she pulled off her hoodie and tossed it onto Catra’s desk chair. “Whatever you say.” She sat down beside Catra, rearranging the blankets as she always did to support her back and cover her legs. When everything was all set, she looked up and found Catra fixated at her. Well not her face. “Do I have something on my arms?”

Adora twisted her arms to look at them. Maybe there was dirt or something left over from construction. But she had been wearing a long sleeve t-shirt like she usually did. The shirt she had on now was one of the only short sleeves she owned.

Catra squeaked a little. “No there’s nothing.” She reached over to the floor, so Adora couldn’t see the expression on her face. “I just was wondering how long you were going to fuss around like a princess.”

“I’ve got to be comfortable for this so called life changing movie.”

“Trust me. It’s going to change you.” Catra finally sat up normal again—expression back to it’s usual cockiness.

Catra opened her laptop up onto her lap. Adora watched Catra instead of the screen—the grin on her face grow bigger and bigger as she pulled up the movie. But as the intro music started to play, Adora’s attention was stolen.

She had to admit—Shrek 2 was a good movie. Probably every bit as legendary as Catra made it out to be. The “I Need A Hero” ballad and castle sieged by a giant gingerbread man might be the most iconic scene she’d ever seen in her life. Second to everything from _Secretariat_ of course.

But nothing really could be as good as the feeling of Catra against her side, head leaning on her shoulder. It had started with a shift there. A touch there. Hip to hip. Shoulder to shoulder. Exhaustion curling them closer to each other until the laptop sat half on Adora’s lap. And yet their hands lingered on their thighs, separated by less than an inch. Adora couldn’t help but think what it would be like to intertwine their fingers together.

Was that weird? That was weird right? People didn’t think about holding their friend’s hands. They didn’t cuddle with them either. Or maybe they did, and she was just overthinking things.

And she couldn’t stop thinking about all the literature she’d been reading for Catra’s essay either. Words like repression and internalized homophobia and compulsive heteronormativity sticking with her long after she had finished an article. Running around in her head with everything else the evening had brought out. 

She’d maybe been doing some extra reading outside of helping Catra—who really didn’t need her help that much anymore. Catra was on a roll, cruising through the research and already getting started on writing a rough draft. She wouldn’t need Adora again until it was time to edit it.

Adora had been reading more for herself now. Her curiosity taking control. Spending more time reading than writing unfortunately—though there had been some progress on her story: lot’s of talking with the seagull friend, venting and spilling emotions on someone who probably couldn’t grasp a single word but at least they stayed (though she knew it couldn’t last forever) all while some new ocean current pulled them out of the doldrums and off to somewhere new and unknown.

Adora couldn’t help that everything she read just seemed to echo with her. Reading about the stories of children taught slurs by their parents only to take them in—impose them upon their own self-image. Hope’s voice pulled itself from her memories. Gross. Disgusting. Wrong. Inappropriate. Against nature. Disappointing. Failure. All the things she had been taught. How had all that affected her? How much did she still believe it?

The movie cut to black and Catra laughed. “Did I tell you or what?”

Adora laughed with her. “You did tell me.”

“Wait, wait we have to watch the Far Far Away Idol thing! It has Simon Cowell.”

“The _what_?”

Catra’s face turned evil. “Just wait.”

Her fingers clacked fast and loud on her keyboard as she pulled up the new video. The expression on her face had shifted from mischief to excitement. Her different colored eyes glowed with the light of the computer screen. Like they did when they video called at night. Adora someone always got stuck staring at them at least for a bit, well really her whole face. Sharp jaw. Soft nighttime smile. Messy short hair.

It felt a little wrong, but she kept doing it. Friends probably didn’t look at each other that way. Bow and Glimmer had looked at each other that way, and she had thought they were just friends but then they up and got married. And she had never been close enough to anyone else to have any other example.

Did this mean she had feelings? A crush? Wanting to cuddle and hold hands and look at Catra. The urge was always there, but she usually held herself back from those things except when exhaustion and the moment got to her. Because what if she did something and then the feelings faded because it was all just in her head. Or if it made Catra uncomfortable. She couldn’t ruin their friendship. She’d been the cause of enough destroyed relationships already. Glimmer’s voice came to her enough in her dreams to remind her. _We would have been better off without you. Maybe then all of this wouldn’t have happened._

“You’re not even paying attention,” Catra whined.

Adora shook the thoughts from her head. “Sorry, sorry I am now.”

Watching an animated Simon Cowell stand on a table and sing was enough to distract her from her thoughts. Catra practically fell into Adora’s lap laughing. Adora leaned against her back, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Alright, I’ll admit,” Adora said between giggles, “That was amazing.”

Catra sat up and closed her laptop with a sigh. “Did you ever have any doubts?”

“Of course I didn’t. I’d love anything you showed me.”

The words were out before she even thought about what she had said. Catra’s eyes went wide. Adora’s mouth slapped shut, and warm red embarrassment spread across her cheeks.

They sat in silence for a second before Adora jumped up from the bed suddenly. “I… um—I’m going to go to the bathroom before you take me home okay?”

She ran from the room before Catra could answer. When the door of the bathroom closed behind her, Adora stared into the mirror.

“Pull yourself together you big screw up.”

She ran her shaky hands through the chunks of her ponytail that had fallen out. Pulling the hair tie out, she fixed it. At least her hair wouldn’t be as much of a mess as her brain. She splashed some water on her face before heading back to the room.

When she walked in she found Catra staring down at a phone. Adora’s phone.

“What are you—”

Catra yelped, tossing the phone onto the bed.

Adora laughed at the shock on her face, laughing even harder when it shifted to annoyance. “Hey, I scared you this time.”

“Don’t get used to it,” she growled. Then she looked down at the phone again. “I’m sorry. You left your phone and you started to get a call but it was a blocked number, so I figured you didn’t want to answer. But…” She looked back up at Adora, “You’ve got like a million unread texts and missed calls, dude.”

“Oh uhh yeah they are just umm… solicitors! They’re solicitors. Someone must have given out my number and now I just get calls and texts all the time you know? I guess I just haven’t cleared them away in a while.” Adora forced a smile hoping her lie worked.

Catra raised an eyebrow, looking very unconvinced. Her mouth opened to say something else, but instead her shoulders sagged, and she turned away tossed the phone over to her. Adora caught it and put it into her pocket.

The silence returned. Adora ran through a million things to say in her head. She didn’t want Catra to think she didn’t trust her it was just… she didn’t even want to think about what all the messages Glimmer and Bow had sent over the past few weeks said. Adora beat herself up enough, she didn’t need them to remind her of her wrong doings. She wanted to get away from it. Free. Freedom for herself and her old friends. That’s why she bought the lighthouse. And if Catra knew—Adora looked over at her, how she stared at her toes peeking out from beneath the blanket and chewed on her lip probably wishing Adora wasn’t so unbearably awkward—Adora didn’t want to think about how she’d react. How she’d hate her too.

“I think I’m ready to go home now if that’s alright?” Adora finally said. “I should at least try to get some sleep before I go running.”

Catra’s eyes scrunched in what might have been sadness? Or pity? Either way Adora didn’t like it. There was no need for her to feel bad about Adora’s social incompetence. But her usual smirk replaced it quickly. “Yeah okay. Don’t forget your dumb hoodie.”

“It’s not dumb,” Adora said as she picked it up from off the chair and pulled it over her head. “You’re dumb.”

“Great comeback there, princess. I don’t know how I’ll ever recover.”

“Don’t make me pinch you!”

Catra jumped away to the door, a hand held over her heart in fake terror. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would.” Adora sprang forward with her fingers outheld ready to pinch.

Catra ran out the door, and Adora followed—both of them suppressing their quiet giggles all the way outside and onto the motorcycle. And maybe Adora finally pinched her arm while they drove down the highway just to hear her laugh again.

It wasn’t until she was back in her house laying flat on her back staring at the ceiling that Adora let the thoughts come swirling back in. Trying to decide how disgusting it was for her to fall asleep replaying the memory of Catra lying against her.

* * *

“We don’t have to do this really,” Adora said. She stared at the strange decorations of Razzle Dazzle, knit sweaters and brooms and knickknacks filling the shelves and hanging from hooks outside.

“Are you kidding me?” Catra said. “After all the work we did today we deserve a treat. And you went on and on about how much you looovveeddd Razz’s cookies.”

“They are good alright!” Adora waved her hands in the air. ”What are you going to do? Sue me? I’m the lawyer here.”

Catra rolled her eyes and caught hold of Adora’s hand. She dragged her into the building.

“Come on you big dork.”

The outdoor decoration really were only just a taste of what was inside. Every surface held things to buy. Shelves and stacks and things hanging from hooks on the ceiling swaying with the new air as they walked in. The scent of the shop hit Adora fast—cookies and sweets and sugars filling her senses.

And her stomach rumbled so loud, both Adora and Catra’s eyes looked down at it.

Catra made a static sound with her mouth, and Adora’s attention flashed back up to her. She held a hand by mouth as if she were holding a radio. “Come in! Come in! The patient is going into starvation shock. We need to get her a cookie stat. Over.”

Adora shoved her with a laugh. Catra cackled too, stumbling back and disappearing into a line of hanging blankets.

When she didn’t reappear after a few seconds Adora stepped forward to sweep the blankets aside but all she found were more trinkets.

“Catra?” she called. The silence of the room was her only reply.

A heavy weight suddenly latched onto her back, and Adora screamed.

And Catra almost slid off of her laughing, but Adora caught her legs. “I got you so good. How are you this much of an idiot?” She let go of Adora’s shoulders to wipe tears from her eyes.

Adora released her hold, and Catra almost fell into a heap on the ground—only just catching herself. “It’s not my fault you have like super stealth. What were you a spy in a past life?”

Catra grin turned extra mischievous. “What if it was this life?”

“Pfftt, yeah right. Because a spy would spend all their time helping an idiot do construction in a small ho dunk town like this.”

“So you admit you’re an idiot?”

“What? No, I—”

Catra laughed again, gripping her stomach. “You got to stop. You’re going to make me puke.”

Adora just glared at her.

“Ah don’t be a sore loser,” Catra said. “Some cookies will help you through the stages of grief.”

Catra grabbed her hand again pulling her along, and a smile returned to Adora’s face. It was because of the cookies though, definitely.

The selection of treats was extensive to say the least. Together they gaped at the plates of snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies. Swooning at the smells wafting from fresh cinnamon rolls and pies. Catra held up a little take away bag of tiny macaroons, the pupils of her eyes wide like the smile on her face.

“My roommate Entrapta would love these.”

“My _stomach_ would love those,” Adora said.

She reached out to grab them from Catra, but she pulled away. “Not if I eat them all first.”

“You won’t share even one?” Adora pouted. “I’ll let you have a slice of my pie.” She grabbed the brown sugar apple pie and floated it beneath her Catra’s.

Catra sniffed at it for a moment, before crossing her arms—bag of macaroons still in hand. “Fine but only if we get one of the variety plates of cookies to share too.”

“Uh duh.” Adora picked up the plate too. “That’s why you dragged me into the hole of temptation in the first place.”

“Yeah right like that stomach of yours didn’t set you on a direct course here as soon as I mentioned cookies.” Catra poked Adora’s belly. “Always thinking with your stomach.”

Her face went hot at Catra’s touch, but she shrugged it off. Maybe it was just embarrassment and not the feeling of Catra’s nails through her shirt.

They left the sweets display and made their way to register at the back of the store, eyes swiveling to look at all the trinkets and things to buy. Catra slowed to a stop near a rack of socks. They were knit like the blankets, but with smaller thread. Most were natural colors with simple, but cute designs of stripes or polka dots. She grabbed one and ran her thumb over the fabric.

“I don’t know how Razz makes these so damn soft,” Catra said. She pulled it off the hook and held it up to Adora’s face, rubbing it against her cheek. “Feel it.”

Adora stiffened for a moment. How would a friend react to this? How does she want to react to this? Catra was offering, so it couldn’t be that wrong to enjoy the moment a little bit. She leaned into the touch, hoping Catra didn’t read into the fluttering of her eyes to much.

“We should each get a pair. We could be matching,” Adora said when Catra pulled away.

Catra’s eyes widened. “Oh you don’t have to if you don’t want too—”

“Are you kidding me? You are always complaining about how cold your toes are. And I live in a freaking lighthouse. I can always use more socks.”

When Catra’s smirk got softer around the edges, Adora’s heart started to thunder. Was that normal?

“Which ones do you want?” Catra asked.

“You pick for me. I trust you to pick us some good ones.”

Adora didn’t watch the her choose—wanting it to be more of a surprise—so she continued making her way to the back. She set the deserts on the counter and looked for the legendary baker and knitter Razz. But there was no one there. Actually, besides her and Catra, it didn’t seem like there was anyone else in the store.

Catra stepped up beside her and dropped her stuff with the rest.

“We might not be able to get this stuff after all,” Adora said. “I don’t think anyone is here.”

“Oh, Razz is always here. Watch.” Catra grinned as she tapped the bell on the counter.

A small wrinkley old woman popped out from beneath the counter. “Hello dearies!”

Adora jumped away, barely stifling a scream. Catra cackled so hard she bent over holding her stomach. Throwing a glare her way, Adora stepped back up to the counter again.

“What were you doing down there?” Adora asked.

“Down where, dearie?” Razz looked at her quizzically from underneath a big sunhat, the thick lenses of her glasses making her eyes look huge.

“Under the counter?”

“Why would I be under the counter?”

“But you were—”

Catra pressed a hand to Adora’s arm, shutting her up. “Hey Razz, long time no see.”

“Ah Catra dearie! I was wondering when you were going to come see me again. Is this your girlfriend?”

The color drained from Catra’s face, and she choked.

Adora’s whole body seemed to be fill with static. “Oh no, we’re just friends. My name’s Adora.” She held out her hand to shake—which she realized was just as awkward and dumb as it felt.

Razz didn’t even seem to notice. She went right to scanning their items and bagging them, talking the whole time.

“I’m glad that you have a new friend Catra. Your old ones still hang out in the alleys around the shops. Always trying to hide their little bags of dusts and potions when I walk by. I wish Octavia would stop preying on those poor teenagers. You aren’t still working with her or that Hordak man are you?”

It wasn’t hard to figure out what dusts and potions meant. Adora had already gotten a vague idea that Catra’s past had been a little shady though she probably wouldn’t have guessed that she was a drug dealer. Add that to the list of Catra mysteries alongside the secret house she owned and refused to go to or talk about any time Adora brought it up.

Catra stared at the floor, her arms wrapped around herself. “No, I don’t work for them anymore. I haven’t for a while,” she said without looking up. Adora wondered how much of that answer was for Razz and how much of it was for her.

“Good good. Cookies are much better,” Razz said as she wrapped up their order into a nice bundle and placed it inside a bigger bag. “You two should come sometime and help me bake my pies. You promised me that you would. But you looked different then Catra dearie. Your hair was longer and wild and you always wore that red headband. That was just the other day, how did you change so fast? So very pretty. Don’t you think so Adora?”

Now it was Adora’s turn to choke. Catra shot her a worried look, but Adora pressed her face into her arm to cough instead of meet her gaze.

Of course she thought Catra was pretty. She had from the moment she’d saw her even though she thought she was a ghost. That wasn’t weird right? She had _eyes_. Catra was like super hot. But in what way did she think Catra was pretty? Like a friend? Or like something else? How could you even tell the difference?

“Y-yes,” Adora said avoiding Catra’s gaze. “Catra is pretty Razz.”

“Of course I’m right Mara dearie.”

“It’s Adora, Razz,” Catra said through clenched teeth though it seemed to be more from embarrassment than anger.

“That’s what I said, dearie. Your order is going to be $24.89.”

Both of them went to for their wallets at the same time.

“I got this princess. I _am_ the one with a job here.”

But Adora pushed down Catra’s hand and wallet. “Let me do it. _I’m_ the bougie lawyer remember.”

“I think you forgot the whole, not currently practicing thing. Unless you’ve been sneaking away to court rooms without me knowing.”

Adora laughed. “More like I saved most of what I earned and then sold my car on top of that. Just let me take this.”

“The flirtatious banter is just wonderful, dearies,” Razz said before Catra could respond. “But I do need payment eventually.”

Adora handed over her card despite Catra’s huff of discontent.

“There you go!” Razz handed over the bag and Adora’s hard. “Now we are going berry picking this weekend, right Mara?”

Catra answered before Adora had too much time to wonder if she’d missed some part of the conversation. “We’ll do our best to make it. See you later, Razz.”

She waved and grabbed Adora’s hand, pulling her away from the counter.

Adora looked over her shoulder. “It was nice to meet you Razz.”

“I’ve known you for years Mara, dearie. But take care of Catra for me.” She took off her hat and used it to wave at them.

Adora leaned over to whisper in Catra’s ear. “Who’s Mara?”

“I have no idea just go with it.”

So they both smiled and waved as they left the old lady who had gotten distracted hitting a hanging blanket with a broom.

When they stepped outside Adora asked, “Is Razz…”

“Crazy? Yeah a little or maybe a lot. I don’t know. But she makes the best things and has always been nice to me so I still try to go to her store as often as I can. She’s a lot wiser than she let’s on though. Says some smart things mixed with the nutty.”

Adora nodded slowly. Thinking through their interaction. The questions and stuttered answers in return. What wisdom was in that? Did she think that their friendship looked like more than a friendship? Did everyone think that, even Catra, and Adora was just as hopelessly oblivious as always making Catra uncomfortable and screwing up her one good connection in the whole world when she hadn’t even meant to make a connection with anyone at all after she’d basically proven that she wasn’t good enough for—

“Hey you okay?” Catra asked, breaking her from her spiral. “I know Razz said some weird things. She’s just like that. You don’t have to read into it or anything.”

“Oh sorry. No it’s okay I just got lost in thought. I wasn’t reading into anything.”

“Sure,” Catra grumbled just under her breath. She walked over to her bike and tossed Adora a helmet. “Just don’t overwork your big head, princess. I don’t want you to end up like Razz this early in your life.”

Adora rolled her eyes before putting the helmet on and sitting behind Catra on the bike.

She drove them back to the lighthouse. Up on the second floor, they got set up as usual—they sometimes had their homework sessions at Adora’s and sometimes at Catra’s but they always involved a big pile of blankets and sprawling across the floor with their laptops. But the dynamic had shifted. Though they sometimes worked together to find a specific piece of evidence for a paragraph or getting the wording of something just right, other times they both worked on their own things. Adora reading articles or working on her story. Catra writing her research paper or doing homework for one of her other classes. Just sitting together in the same room—there to offer a joke or help when the other needed it. 

They ate their desserts while they worked, trading plates almost wordlessly every few bites so that they got to taste everything.

About three hours later the plates were empty and both of their heads felt full of buzzing and useless information. Catra closed her laptop and shoved it away.

“If I do any more homework my brain is going to explode.” She flopped down on her back and threw her arms over her head.

Adora put away her own computer and lay down beside her, their heads side by side but from opposite directions.

“Well I can’t help you there,” she said. “I haven’t done trig since my undergrad.”

“What they don’t ask you to find the cosine while you’re in the court room for some big social justice case?”

Adora laughed. “No can’t say I’ve had that experience.”

Catra huffed and let her arms fall to the floor.

“I’m actually not the type of lawyer,” Adora said after a couple moments of silence.

“I thought you said your whole big motivation was getting to help people?”

“Things didn’t really go the way I had planned.”

Catra turned her head slightly so that she could peer at her. “So what type of lawyer are you?”

“Corporate.” Adora thought about leaving it at that, but when Catra didn’t say anything else Adora knew that she was waiting for her to explain. If Adora sat quiet long enough she knew Catra would move on—a flicker of disappointment before she jumped to some other topic. But Catra had let Adora see into her past today (though mostly unintentionally), so Adora could give her at least a little in return. “My friend… Glimmer… that I went to law school with, her mom had a corporate firm. They helped only good positive companies, but because of that they were struggling. They needed fresh strong lawyers to help save it. So when they asked, I switched tracks and joined. Guess it’s history from there.”

Adora scrunched her eyes, pushing down the memories. Waiting for Catra’s reaction, but none came. She opened her eyes and looked over. Catra was watching her with a weird look in her eyes. Not curiosity. Maybe worry. Maybe pity.

Adora made a ‘what’ face.

“Did you like it? Catra finally asked.

“It was great having a friend in my firm already, and I got to work a lot of case that normally such a fresh lawyer wouldn’t—”

“That’s not what I asked. Did you _like_ it? Being a corporate lawyer instead of what you wanted?”

Adora’s mouth opened but she found she didn’t really have an answer. It had never really been about ‘liking it’. She had been too focused on helping Glimmer and doing everything she could for Angella and getting new clients so they could save the firm. And that was helping people even though it wasn’t in the way she had originally wanted. It was what Hope had wanted for her though. To use all that potential she said that Adora had and do big things. Gain power. Earn money. And she had. Becoming a rich hot shot lawyer ready to take on anything… until she’d screwed everything up.

So she told the truth. “I don’t know.”

“That’s such a _you_ thing to say.”

“Hey what does that mean?” Adora flipped on her side so she could see her better.

Catra turned on her side too. “You always do whatever everyone else wants. I always have to twist your wrist to get you to admit that you want or like something.”

“That’s not true!”

Catra fixed her with a withering look. “It took me weeks to get you to come to Razz’s with me. Just. To get. Freaking cookies!”

She snagged one of the remaining cookies from the plate and shoved it into Adora’s face. It was half in crumples before Adora could wrest it from her hand. Then she shoved it into her mouth in one big bite. Catra laughed, but while she did Adora snuck a macaroon into her hand. She pressed it hard against Catra’s forehead.

“Rude,” Catra screamed as she picked the crumbs and cream from her skin and hair. “You’re lucky I like Razz’s baking too much or I’d press the rest of the pie into your face.”

“Oh yes, the pie is far more important than ruining my favorite sweater and making a mess.”

“Maybe if you didn’t wear it every day it wouldn’t be in such danger of getting stained.”

“I don’t wear it every day,” Adora said, and then mumbled quietly. “Just like every other day.”

And they both were back to laughing again, clutching their sides and wheezing until it died down into silence again.

Adora looked into Catra’s eyes, unable to pick one to focus on. Both colors—yellow and blue, sun and sky—were too complex, too pretty to choose. But maybe it was okay to look long enough so she could spend time with both. Memorize them.

Then she noticed the slight raise of Catra’s eyebrows, and Adora looked away clearing her throat.

“H-how are all your classes going?” Adora asked.

“Fine. All of my finals are coming up soon, but I’m feeling alright about them. All this study time has been good for me.”

Adora realized that she knew how many classes Catra was taking and what they were and the school she was taking them from, but she had no idea what her goal for all of it was.

“Are you majoring in something?” Adora asked. “You know all about my ‘what do you want to be when you grow up dream’ but I know nothing about yours.”

“You heard Razz,” Catra scoffed. “My dream wasn’t good like yours. I did the opposite of helping people.”

Adora skootched closer and reached over to catch Catra’s hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze. “I don’t fully believe that was what you wanted, but that’s not what we are talking about. What about now? What’s your dream now?”

Catra’s hand went limp in Adora’s, and she looked away. “Don’t laugh at me, alright?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Catra shot her a glare, but it was too amused to be intimidating. She took a long breath and then said, “I don’t know.”

“Oh.” That hadn’t been what Adora was expecting. Catra seemed to always be sure and confident with a plan and a few backups in case. Adora fumbled for something to say.

Taking her silence for judgement, Catra rushed to explain. “I just… I never really could imagine my future as a kid. Everyone told me I wouldn’t amount to anything good or even live this long, so I just started to believe them. But now things are different, and I don’t want to be like that anymore which is good but it means that I have so many options and a billion more ways to make the wrong choice and I just feel… paralyzed.”

Her chest heaved up and down as she finished her thought, but she hadn’t let go of Adora’s hand.

“I hope this doesn’t sound dumb or insensitive,” Adora said, “But I’m actually jealous of you.”

Catra’s eyebrow shot up towards her hairline. “Um super dumb! Why would you want to be like a screw up who has no clue what to do with her life?”

“Because you’re free. You have all this space and time to figure out who you are and what you want to do. There’s nothing trapping you into doing something you hate.”

“That—“ Catra started to retort, “Actually isn’t all that dumb.”

“I am a lawyer. I do tend to say intelligent things sometimes.” Adora sighed and rolled back onto her back though still maintaining her hold of Catra’s hand. “Just don’t rush into anything because you feel you have to. You deserve to find a good dream, Catra.”

“You do too, Adora.” Catra’s voice was strained and quiet like she was holding back something. Maybe tears. But Adora’s own emotions were too close to the surface for her to look and see. To do anything but stare at the ceiling actually.

So Catra spoke again. “Would writing be your dream if you could change it?”

Adora gulped. “I don’t know about change. I thought—for a bit—that I could do both: write and be a lawyer.”

“I haven’t read much but what you’ve shown me of your stuff isn’t too bad. I think you could easily publish it.”

The words are all Catra’s, but the sentiment sounds so much like sentences already in Adora’s mind. Bow used to talk to her like that. Encourage her.

“Is that why you stopped being a lawyer?” Catra asked, “So you could write?”

Adora pulled her hand away from the warmth of Catra’s fingers. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Adora… you can tell me. I won’t judge you—”

“You would though. You _should_.”

“Why would you think that?” Catra huffed. “Do you have so little faith in me?”

“You’re one to talk. Why won’t you tell me about your mystery house, huh?”

Catra growled as she sat up, moving away from Adora. And Adora sat up too. Rage and frustration and anxiety burning in her chest. When Catra turned back to look at her, Adora tensed ready to fight. To counterattack whatever she threw at her. Whichever way Catra lashed out like she always did when Adora went to far with something. But instead, she watched as Catra bit back her anger. Swallowing and leaving sadness and fear in its place.

And Adora’s own angry slide back into guilt. “Catra. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—” She reached out to grab her hand again, but Catra pulled away.

“It’s alright.” Catra stood suddenly, collecting her things. “I’ll see you later princess.”

She gave Adora one last look as she stepped onto the ladder. Adora almost asked her to wait. To stay so that she could apologize again, for real. But the words got stuck in her throat, and Catra looked away stepping down out of sight.

Adora listened to her close the door beneath her, and she heard the motorcycle roar to life and drive away a few minutes later. It was only when the sound died away that Adora’s chest started to get tight.

She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. She scrambled for her phone, fingers shaking on the keyboard as she typed out a message.

_I’m so so sorry Catra. I shouldn’t have reacted that way_

_I didn’t mean to say those things_

_I’m so sorry_

The message didn’t help. The phone slipped from her hands and clattered on the floor. Adora tried to remember what Bow had told her, what the councilors she’d seen had taught. Just try to breath. Think about the things she could see and feel and smell and hear.

She wasn’t sure how long it took her to calm down enough to take deep breaths again or to even pretend to think clearly. But when she picked up her phone there was a message.

_I told you it was alright. I shouldn’t have asked._

_That didn’t give me the right to act that way_

_I promise I’ll be better_

The response was slow, but it eventually came.

_Okay don’t tie yourself into knots about it_

_It’s whatever. I don’t care_

_I’m pretty tired. I’m going to go to bed_

Adora’s chest clenched again. No nightly call then. But another message popped up.

_I’ll talk to you tomorrow, princess_

She texted a quick goodnight before letting her phone drop again. She had royally screwed up just like she always ended up doing no matter how hard she tried not to, but at least Catra still wanted to talk to her unless she was just being nice out of pity now because without Catra, Adora had no one and there was no way Catra didn’t realized that. Either way, there had to be something Adora could do to make it up to her. Some way to fix things.

All those thoughts echoed in her mind over and over again until she eventually fell asleep curled into a ball on the floor.

* * *

The next day, Adora finally accepted Scorpia and Perfuma’s offer for dinner. Catra always looked disappointed when Adora said no, so she figured that maybe this could at least be a start to making up for her outburst the night before.

Catra had texted her first sometime late in the morning. And Adora definitely had not been avoiding looking at her phone since dawn waiting to see if Catra would keep to her word. The ding of the notification almost sent her into a panic, but she did her best to act nonchalant.

_How can I drink this much coffee and still be tired?_

So they weren’t going to talk about their fight. Maybe that was a good thing.

_Maybe because you stay up until 3 every night_

_You’re one to talk. You never sleep_

_How many hours did you get last night_

Hours? It probably was more like minutes. In and out tossing and turning. Only making it up off the floor when her hips and back ached more than she could ignore. But even on the bed she couldn’t stop thinking about dumb she’d been. How much Catra probably hated her now.

She couldn’t tell her that though.

_The normal amount_

_Just a normal night_

_Average amount of sleep and rest_

_Sure_

_Just remember naps are very much a normal thing too_

_I think I am going to take a long one when I get home from work_

_Unless Perfuma makes me help make dinner_

_I could help her for you_

Adora sent the text without really thinking about it. But a moment later she realized how weird that was. Why would she go just to help make dinner? She barely knew Perfuma and Catra probably didn’t want to see her. But Adora had just acted on instinct—wanting to help, to fix things anyway she could.

_You want to come to dinner?_

She sucked in a breath. She could just bail. Pretend to remember that she has something she actually had to do tonight.

_Yeah I could come early and help_

_That way you could take a nap_

She looked at her messages a moment and then sent one more just in case.

_But it’s okay if you or they don’t want me to come. I know it’s last minute. And I was a jerk last night. So there’s no pressure._

_Nah dummy Scorpia and Perfuma ask me all the time when you are going to come to dinner_

_I can pick you up at 4?_

_I’ll be ready_

Adora placed her phone face down on the desk and let her head drop beside it. Now she had hours to panic, trying to think of how to talk to Catra’s friends and how to make sure Catra doesn’t hate her and how to act around her so she doesn’t think she’s a major creep who has no idea what they weird feeling in her stomach is when she’s around her. That definitely wasn’t a recipe for disaster.

By the time Catra arrived to get her, Adora felt like her whole body was full of buzzing gnats. Nervous energy ran through her all the way to her fingertips. No amount of work and exercise could get rid of it.

“You good princess?” Catra asked as she handed over the helmet. She didn’t seem upset anymore so there was a least that to keep the anxiety from getting worse.

Adora nodded, glad to have something hiding her face expression. “Yeah, just hungry.”

“Then hurry up and get on.”

She did as she was told, sitting behind Catra and wrapping her arms around her tight while they drove. And somehow the roar of the engine and the wind pushing at her (and the warmth of Catra against her) made some of the buzzing go away at least a little.

Scorpia met them on the front porch. “Adora! I’m so glad that you finally came!” She grabbed ahold of Adora’s hand and shook it hard up and down. “I don’t know why I’m shaking your hand because we’ve already met, but I’m just so excited for you to be here. Well you are here with Catra all the time, but now you’re here with us.”

“Okay Scorpia don’t pull off her hand.” Catra pulled Adora’s hand out of her grip.

“Oops sorry. Got carried away,” Scorpia said as she opened the door and ushered them in.

“Come on into the kitchen,” Perfuma shouted. “I need extra hands for chopping.”

Adora followed Scorpia and Catra into the little kitchen. She had been in their kitchen before but never when it was this full of people and food and scents. Perfuma moved around it like a storm—her sun dress and long cardigan fluttering around on her thin frame—giving orders before they even stepped fully into the room.

“Scorpia you better get to grilling those burgers out back. Catra, Adora I’ve got a pile of veggies here to be cut for the salad. I’ll be tackling this baby.” Perfuma hefted a watermelon bigger than her torso up onto the countertop.

They all looked at her with wide eyes as she lifted a knife high into the air ready to chop.

“What are y’all looking at? I’m hungry let’s get to work!”

Jumping to action, they all dispersed to their different jobs. Adora started cutting the cucumber and mixing it with the spinach into a bowl. Beside her Catra was still cutting kale—lips scrunched towards her nose in disgust.

“Why do we always have to have kale in the salad? And cucumbers too?” Catra asked Perfuma over her shoulder. “They make my breath all funny?”

“I don’t you before—” A loud thunk sounded behind them as Perfuma sliced the watermelon. “You can just pick whatever you don’t want out. You don’t have to complain about it every time.”

“But where’s the fun in that?”

“Just chop the veggies Catra,” Perfuma scoffed, but Adora saw there still was a smile playing across her face.

“Yeah Catra. I’ve already on to my third vegetable and you haven’t even finished one,” Adora said.

Catra pointed her knife at her. “Is that a challenge?”

“With how fast you’re chopping I really doubt it’d be much of a challenge.”

“Oh it’s on. I bet I’ll finish double what you do in half as much time.”

She smacked Catra knife away and started cutting up a green pepper before Catra even knew what was happening.

“Hey no cheating,” she said as went to work the kale.

Adora smirked at her sideways. “I learned from the best.”

Catra threw her shoulder against Adora’s, laughing as they did their best to chop as fast as they could without cutting their fingers off. Bantering and taunting as they burned through Perfuma’s pile of vegetables leaving them maybe in bigger uneven chunks than they needed to be but whatever.

“Done,” Adora shouted as she tossed the last slices of carrots into the bowl. “I win!”

Catra in the last of her cabbage. “No I cut more than you did!”

“I still finished first!”

Perfuma pushed between the two of them. “Okay quit the flirting. I’ve got to finish this salad.”

Adora took a few steps back. “W-we weren’t flirting.”

Perfuma stood between them blocking her from seeing Catra’s reaction but she hoped it wasn’t angry. She hadn’t meant it to seem like she was flirting. She had just been having fun, but maybe it wasn’t fun for Catra maybe it was weird or bad or—

“Adora would you hand me that bag of baby tomatoes over there?” Perfuma asked with a smile.

She did, looking to Catra as she leaned over the counter. Catra’s arms were folded across her chest in annoyance as she glared at Perfuma, but when she spotted Adora looking at her she smiled. Okay so maybe things were alright.

Perfuma finished tossing the salad and then pressed the bowl into Catra’s arms. “Will you go and get the table set and then see if Scorpia needs any help?”

She offered up a shrug and a sure before heading out the room, throwing a questioning look at Adora over her shoulder.

Adora smiled and nodded her forward. So Catra left Adora and Perfuma alone. She had returned to working on the second half of the watermelon. Standing in the middle of the kitchen, Adora rocked on her heels and patted her hands against her thighs.

“Would you hand me the big bowl that’s up in the top shelf of that cupboard,” Perfuma asked pointing.

“Oh uh yeah.”

She pulled the bowl from the shelf and brought it over to wear she worked.

“Put the pieces I’ve cut into it, please.”

Adora simply nodded and did as directed, working in tandem with Perfuma.

“So where are you fromm Adora?” Perfuma asked without looking.

“I’m from Seattle.”

“Yes Catra told us that you worked as a lawyer there. You live anywhere before that? Out with family in another state or something? Anyone you might go off and visit or move closer to?”

“Nope,” Adora said, wondering where this was going. “I’ve lived there as long as I can remember.”

Perfuma chopped hard into the next chunk of watermelon. “I’m sorry if making you uncomfortable with the questions. Catra talks about you a lot, so I feel like I already know all the normal small talk answers. I’ve got to press to _really_ get to know you.”

Adora looked up to find Perfuma smiling at her, wide and happy but tinged with something maybe a little manic.

“You know, I’ve known Catra for a long time,” Perfuma continued, “And she’s been different lately.”

“H-how so?”

“She’s been happier, more open. Her aura is lighter than I have ever seen it even when she was a little kid. It seems like you are having an effect on her.”

Adora jolted. “I didn’t mean—what? What does that mean?”

Perfuma waved away her concern with a laugh. “Just that you are good for her. Helping her be a better person.” But then her smile flickered again. “I would hate to imagine what would happen to her aura if you were to hurt her somehow.”

Adora’s stomach dropped. “If this is about last night. I apologized. I don’t ever want to hurt Catra. She’s my… friend.” She let her head fall towards her chest, wishing there was more work to do to distract her from this conversation, this feeling.

A hand touched her shoulder, and Adora looked up to find Perfuma smiling at her again but this time more soft and genuine.

“I don’t know anything about last night, but I’m glad that you seem to care about Catra too. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to her. She’s already been through a lot.”

Adora nodded. Perfuma just wanted to protect Catra. She felt the same. And maybe she hadn’t done the best job so far, but she’d try even harder to be a good friend. Just like Glimmer and Bow had. Adora knew all Perfuma’s intimidation seemed familiar but she only just made the connection. Glimmer and Bow had always protected her. Whether it was college parties or bad groups for school projects, they were there for her. Until Adora threw that all back into their faces.

She ignored the bitter feeling that left, choosing instead to be thankful that Catra had friends like this.

A call from the back porch pulled their attention away.

“Burgers are done, honey,” Scorpia shouted. “You want to come and put them on a platter?”

“I’ll be right there,” Perfuma called back before turning to Adora again. “Will you take the watermelon and the toppings for the burgers into the dining room for me?”

Adora picked up the big bowl of watermelon. “Of course.”

Perfuma left, and Adora did her best to grab what she could of the toppings, but when she dropped a ketchup bottle and almost all the cheese, she decided she’d have to take another trip. She walked in the general direction Catra had gone and found her leaning over the table, filling glasses with lemonade.

When she spotted Adora she laughed. “You need some help there, princess?” She put down the pitcher and took the bowl of watermelon from Adora’s hands so she could get a better grip on the leaning stack of condiments and toppings in her arms. “You know there is such thing as taking a second trip?” she said as she placed the bowl down and helped Adora put things in the right places.

“I had it covered! And yes I know about second trips. I’m going to take one right now,” Adora huffed as she turned back to the kitchen.

“Well I better come help or you’ll drop everything.”

Together they easily carried what was left and brought it into the dining room.

Along the way Catra leaned close and spoke quietly, “Perfuma didn’t give you a hard time did she? She can be weird sometimes.”

“No, no she was fine. Just wanted to get to know the person you talk so much about.” Adora playfully bumped their shoulders.

Catra scowled. “I don’t talk about you at all.”

“That’s not what Perfuma said,” Adora teased.

Catra threw the mayonnaise at her head, and Adora only just ducked it. She ran after the rolling jar into the dining room with Catra chasing her close on her tail.

“Girls! Please don’t throw all of my food,” Perfuma shouted. “I would actually like to eat it off a plate not the walls.”

Both of them skidded to a stop, muttering apologizes but still casting mischievous looks and sticking out tongues at each other.

With everything ready, they all sat down—Adora and Catra on one side and Perfuma and Scorpia on the other. They passed the food around, making up their burgers and filling their plates with all the side dishes. It was only when they had started eating that the conversation started up again.

“So Catra told me that you two went to high school together but only got together after you’d been graduated for a while. What was that like?” Adora asked (if she was asking the questions then maybe she wouldn’t have to answer any.

“Oh we dated other people and did other things in high school. We knew each other but we weren’t really great friends,” Perfuma said.

“My parents didn’t want me anywhere near her because her family ran the farmers market,” Scorpia said before taking a big bite of her burger. Then she spoke around the food in her mouth. “They were big rivals.”

Perfuma tugged at Scorpia flannel a little to keep her from saying anything else with her mouth full. “But when we both took over the business we got to talking and it wasn’t long before we both were in love. We merged our businesses and the rest is history.” She leaned over and pressed a kiss to Scorpia’s cheek.

Scorpia went a little red, but she swallowed her bite and turned to kiss her on the lips.

“Come on guys not in front of my salad,” Catra said. “I worked so hard to make this thing don’t ruin it.”

But they finished their kiss, laughing at Catra’s disgusted face when they pulled apart.

As the laughter died down Adora asked another question. “So you both knew Catra in high school right? You have to know some funny stories.”

Catra kicked her under the table, and Adora kicked her right back but with a smile.

“Catra was cool even back in high school. They were all intimidated by her,” Scorpia said.

Catra rolled her eyes. “I don’t know if I would have called myself cool. Maybe something more like weird loner,” she grumbled.

“There was that big fling you had with DT,” Perfuma said. “The whole school was talking about that.”

“DT?” Adora asked. “As in the one who works the register at your store?”

Scorpia nodded fast, but before she could open her mouth Catra growled.

“It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Oh yes it was,” Perfuma chuckled. “You got in trouble for PDA all the time, and the break up was intense from what I heard.”

“That was right before you dropped out and ran away from Weaver’s, right?” Scorpia asked, and then she pressed a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said—”

“It’s fine, Scorpia. Adora knows about that.”

And she did, but Catra had never told her anything about this… relationship. The image of Catra kissing the grocery clerk filled her head. Something hot burned in her chest. She couldn’t name it. Couldn’t pin it down. But she knew she didn’t like it.

“I wasn’t the only one that had flings,” Catra said. “Perfuma you dated like everyone. Even Entrapta!”

Scorpia laughed loud, hitting the table. “Entrapta didn’t even know you guys were in a relationship for weeks.”

“But she was so sweet though. I loved our time together… but I love you even more.” Perfuma reached over and caught hold of Scorpia’s hand.

“I love you too,” she mumbled and leaned in for another kiss.

“No,” Catra shouted, stopping them. “Stop being sappy and gross at the dinner table!”

The stories and laughing and teasing continued long after they had all eaten their fill and the leftover food had been untouched for a long time. And it was great. Adora knew she really should have accepted the dinner offer earlier because this was fun and pretty easy and with Catra laughing and smiling at her like that so comfortable and relaxed, how could Adora not feel happy.

But it was all just a little too familiar. Bittersweet.

Adora helped clean up the food and dishes, and then said her goodbyes to Scorpia and Perfuma. They both gave her hugs—Scorpia lifting her up off her feet. Then it was just her and Catra, heading out to the porch. The rain came down hard, pooling in the road and sidewalks. They both lingered on the steps just inches from the downpour.

“You want to wait and see if it lightens up a bit?” Catra asked.

Adora shrugged. “You mind if we sit out here?”

Catra nodded, and they both sat down on the steps. Their shoulders pressed together leaking just a little bit of warmth between them. But Adora caught herself wishing for more.

She cleared her throat. “Your friends are pretty cool.”

“Pretty dorky if you ask me. No wonder you like them.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Catra must have been expecting to get a rise out of her because her eyebrows scrunched with worry at her response.

“What’s wrong?”

‘Nothing’ danced on the tip of her tongue, but she sucked it back in. She didn’t want a replay of the night before. She was going to be better. Not her hurt just like Perfuma said.

“I’m alright. Just all of this,” she waved back towards the house, “Reminded me of being with my old friends. Spending time and laughing together.”

Catra hummed a little, looking out at the rain fall. Adora watched the cascade in the reflection of her eyes.

When Catra finally answered she wouldn’t look at her. “We—them and you know… me—maybe are a little bit like your old friends, but that’s in the past. And maybe… I don’t know… this could be like a new thing. Like a better future for you. That doesn’t have the bad memories and feelings from the past.” She paused and finally faced Adora. “Does that make sense?”

“It does, but I don’t know how to do that—how to just stop feeling those things. I don’t think I can just start new. I think I’m stuck like this.”

“Figures.” Catra pulled her legs up to her chest and looked away again. “You won’t even try. Rather suffer like a martyr.”

“I _am_ trying,” Adora said. “That’s why I am here. Can’t you see I’m trying to be better.”

Catra didn’t answer. They sat in thick silence. Adora waited and waited until the storm of emotions she couldn’t name or find the source of threatened to make her combust from the inside out.

“I’m sorry, Catra. I really will try, I promise. I just… don’t want to fight.”

She sighed, “I don’t want to fight either. I just want—” She cut herself off with the shake of her head.

And Adora wanted to ask her what she was going to say, ask what she wanted, but things were already so tense pushing would probably only make things worse.

“I think the rain slowed down a bit,” Catra said. “You ready to go?”

Adora stood and offered a hand up to Catra. “We both know I don’t mind getting a little soaked.”

The quip earned a little smile at least as Catra took her hand. She pulled her along into the rain to the bike. And they drove back to the lighthouse. All the storm in Adora didn’t storm, tearing up everything and leaving her on an edge. A cliff with no bottom in sight. One little nudge and she’d fall, plummet, crash. She just knew it. And the thing was she’d taken falls before. Crashed and burned. Failing test or not making teams for Hope. Ruining everything with Glimmer and her mom. But she’d survived those falls, picking herself up no matter how broken and bruised.

Adora squeezed her arms around Catra a little tighter—the heat of her a stark difference to the wind and rain.

If she fell this time though, she wasn’t sure she’d survive. She wasn’t sure she would really want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I need some help from y'all. How are you feeling about this fic? I've been worried that I'm not doing Catra and Adora's characters and their traumas justice. Any advice or tips for me?
> 
> Fic Playlist (updated a day before update): https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=RlBp9LdKSTCSP7Tn_rq9Rg  
> Tumblr: ecrooked24


	8. Memories I Run From (Seattle Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> These Streets -- Bastille  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/1y4S5YgR2Ikj9ffihnoGRH?si=Qij10kKiT0--yOKwKeZa1Q

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait again. My mental health hasn't been best lately and its been making it harder to write so you'll have to forgive me.  
> This is more of transition chapter but it's got some good stuff for you still so I hope you like it

_These streets are yours, you can keep them_

_I don't want them_

_They pull me back, and I surrender_

_To the memories I run from_

_Oh, we have paved these streets_

_With moments of defeat_

_But even if we won't admit it to ourselves_

_We'll walk upon these streets and think of little else_

_I won't show my face here anymore_

“Hey I made extra coffee you want some?” Scorpia asked, holding up out the pitcher to a bleary eyed Catra.

She reached for it with a mumbled ‘yes’ and poured some into the first mug she could find. Catra sat down at the table, keeping her head from nodding with one hand propped on her chin while the other held the hot bitter coffee up to her lips. She had stayed up way too late studying for her upcoming finals—and maybe facetimeing Adora a little bit too.

Scorpia sat down across from her. “You going to Adora’s again this morning?”

Catra nodded. “We have more timbers and siding to put up.”

“You know you’re developing a lot of skills that might come in handy for other things…” Scorpia trailed off and gave her an expectant look.

Rubbing her hand over her face, Catra grumbled, “It’s too early in the morning for this Scorpia. Just say what you want to say don’t make me guess.”

“Well I don’t mean to press,” she said, “But you and Adora are doing so much work on her home that I just thought maybe you could use some of that momentum to work on _your_ house too.”

“I told you. I’m working up to it. I promise. I’ll start cleaning it up soon. I don’t need Adora.”

Scorpia reached out a hand to rest it on Catra’s shoulder. “I know that’s what you said, but I think Adora could really help you. You guys seemed to get each other—better even than the Super Pal Trio. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind helping—”

“Of course she wouldn’t mind,” Catra scoffed, pulling out of Scorpia’s reach. “Adora loves helping. Practically gets off on it. But that doesn’t mean I need to drag her into all my problems. That’s too much for even her to fix. And I’m working through it on my own just fine.”

Scorpia’s hand hung in the air a moment before falling to the table. She sighed, “Have you even opened the letter?”

Catra didn’t answer, just glared down at the table as she took another long drink of coffee. She _did not_ need that reminder added to the top of her pile of stressors—her finals and all the stupid conflicts with Adora were enough to leave her constantly fighting off urges to chase down Octavia in the streets.

Scorpia must have confused her silence for a lack of understanding. “The letter that Weaver wrote for you before she—”

“I know what letter Scorpia,” Catra finally growled. “And no. It’s still shoved at the bottom of my bag where it’s been since the will reading. I don’t want to read whatever the hell she had to say. She said enough shit to me to last a lifetime. And that letter doesn’t have to do with anything!”

Silence filled the kitchen. Scorpia leaned back in her seat, face draw in a mix of fear and worry at Catra’s outburst.

That was enough to bring the anger boiling in her chest back down to a simmer. Catra pressed her fingers against bridge of her nose and forced long breaths in and out of her lungs. She could hear her therapists echoing in her head—all lashing out would do was hurt the ones who wanted to help her. It wouldn’t make anything better.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I promise that I will actually start making progress on the house soon. Just let me finish my finals. Then I’ll be able to get out of your hair.”

Scorpia leaned forward again, hands wrapping around Catra’s holding her mug. “I’m sorry I brought up Weaver. And Wildcat, I need you to know that Perfuma and I don’t want you out of our hair. We like you staying here. And you’re helping out so much at the store. You’ve done so much with the new shipments and the organization, and I seriously can’t even begin to thank you.”

Catra wanted to brush off the praise and pull away again, but Scorpia held on tight.

“I just want you to be happy,” she continued, “And I know that everything with this house is just hanging over you. There’s no rush, but I really do think you should think about asking Adora to help you. Her just being there might make it easier.”

Memories of her and Adora’s fight flitted through her mind. Maybe just coming out and telling Adora all about her tragic past would make things easier. That might help Adora feel comfortable enough to open up too. And _maybe_ Adora helping her would allow Catra to feel stable enough to actually step back into the house again. But everything had a cost, and Catra knew that everything involving Weaver somehow got corrupted. That seemed to be one of the traits Catra had inherited from her.

She couldn’t let Adora get twisted too. She was too good. Too kind and gentle and beautiful—

Catra had to keep her away from the phantom of Weaver. From herself.

“I’ll think about it, okay? I promise.”

Scorpia gave her a soft smile. “Perfuma and I are here to help too. Or if you ever want to talk about anything.”

And Catra couldn’t keep from smiling back. “Thanks Scorpia. For the coffee and for well, you know… everything.”

She stood and put her now empty mug in the sink, running water over it a couple times. When she turned around Scorpia was right there behind her. Her big arms wrapped all the way around and lifted her up into a constricting hug.

“Anytime Wildcat!”

When she finally escaped Scorpia’s grasp, Catra finished getting ready, collected the last of her things and ran out the door. She was going to be later than usual—Adora wouldn’t say anything about it, but Catra could already imagine her anxious face as she did little meaningless tasks to fill the time as she waited for Catra to show up.

Catra hopped onto her bike and peeled out onto the road. If she drove fast enough, she wouldn’t keep Adora waiting for long. It was easier to drive faster without an extra passenger. Only Catra, the wind, and the road. Her mind drifting as drove.

She couldn’t stop her thoughts from finding their way back to Adora no matter how many times she tried to redirect them. Imagining the feeling of her arms wrapped around Catra’s waist like she had gotten so used to. Adora sometimes let her head fall into the crook of Catra’s neck when the trip was short and she wasn’t wearing a helmet. Her breath sometimes brushing over the collar of Catra’s jacket onto her neck. Hot in the cold wind.

A car horn ripped Catra back to reality, and she swerved back into her lane just in time to miss crashing into the passing car. The driver shook a fist at her, and normally Catra would have flipped him off but… she had to take the blame for this one. She just couldn’t get control of her stupid feelings. It was a good thing Adora couldn’t read minds.

Catra had been right—Adora was puttering around waiting for her. When Catra stepped up the hill, she grabbed onto Adora’s arm and pulled along her pliant friend to their first job—ever so willing to follow Catra’s lead after their last few verbal sparring matches. Soon they were back on the roof again tearing out the old briny timbers from a section of the tower, so they could replace them with new ones.

She yanked out a particularly stubborn piece using a crowbar and tossed the beam down into their growing pile of scraps on the ground. Catra took a second to wipe the sweat forming on her forehead.

“It’s almost November why is it so damn hot!”

“A hot snap?” Adora shrugged. She torn out the last beam with bulging biceps that Catra was specifically not looking at. “I’m going to go grab the new lumber if you want to take a breather.”

Catra plopped down on the rooftop while Adora climbed down the ladder. Seagulls flew all around overhead. Their loud screeching setting Catra’s teeth on edge. They were enjoying the unusually sunny day, but Catra sure as hell wasn’t. It beat down hot on her back and arms, so she pulled off her jacket—a freaking crime given that it was almost winter—and wrapped it around her waist. The slight breeze cooled her sweaty skin exposed by her sleeveless t-shirt.

Adora came back up the ladder and dropped a load of two by fours onto the roof before turning to look at her. Her face suddenly went slack, losing all its task-driven focus.

“How did I not know you had tattoos!” Adora shouted, stepping in close to look at her arms.

Catra sighed. “Because I like wearing jackets and it’s supposed to be cold enough for me to wear them.” And because she rarely let anyone see them.

Adora sat beside her and though she laughed at Catra’s quip, her attention remained fixed on the ink on her skin.

So Catra sighed again and lifted her arm up so Adora could have a better view. Her eye’s roved over the tattoos—two thick stripes over her biceps and two over her forearms. Within the patterns of each were small designs that you couldn’t see from a distance but with Adora inches away they were on full display. Mixed within were little images: a tree, a cloud, seashells, and quite a few little cats.

Adora held her hand close but stopped before her fingers brushed skin. She looked up at Catra, silently asking for permission. Catra gulped but nodded. Adora’s fingers bridged the gap between them and ran over the dark geometric stripes on her arms. Tracing the patterns slowly. Definitely feeling the raised skin of hidden scars beneath.

The gentle touch brought flashes of memories to the forefront of her mind. Of needles. Blow followed by heated insults. Or being thrown against rock by dark waves. And razors pulled from secret pockets and sliding across skin, keeping her grounded when constricting darkness threatened to rip away any sanity.

Catra sucked in a deep breath and bit down hard on her tongue until the familiar taste of iron filled her mouth. She did her best to focus on the tickling sensation of Adora’s callous on her skin instead of memories she desperately wanted to forget.

She waited for the question to come. Adora was always curious—always asking. Instead Adora continued to follow the designs slow and methodically until she’d touched every line and figure. Only then did she speak.

“Do they have any meaning?”

That… wasn’t what Catra anticipated. She blushed, thankful Adora’s eyes hadn’t risen from her arms. “Sort of I guess. Tigers were my favorite animal growing up. They were powerful and dangerous, and no one messed with them. So… you know… hence the stripes. I designed the pattern and just filled it with things that I liked. That way when someone asked me what they meant I could bullshit some deeper meaning instead of saying I wanted to be more like a tiger.”

She felt fingers run over the ridges and bumps of scars again. Adora finally looked up at her, holding her gaze even as Catra started to squirm a little beneath it. “You wanted to feel strong,” she whispered.

All the air Catra had been holding in seemed to escape her in a rush. It wasn’t a question. Adora understood somehow.

“Yeah something like that,” Catra mumbled. She stared back into Adora’s ocean eyes—all the discomfort of their gaze fading into something calmer. Magnetic.

She couldn’t stop her own eyes from drifting down to Adora’s lips. They were parted as if she wanted to say something else. Catra had looked at them before, pretty and pink and perfect, but they’d never been this close and this enticing—

Catra turned her face away quickly, pretending to cough. She pulled her arm from Adora’s hands and stood up. “We better get back to work, huh? Wouldn’t want to leave a giant hole in your house overnight.”

She had to get control of herself. This wasn’t just some girl at a club. It was Adora and their friendship was already on edge as is—both of them walking on eggshells around their broken lives. Catra might as well shove them both off the side into the abyss that loomed around them if she couldn’t stop these feelings from making her act like such an idiot.

Adora frowned in confusion for a second before her face broke back out into an easy smile. She stood and stretched out her arms. “If the weather stayed like this, I wouldn’t mind but knowing Crimsonville it’ll be pouring again by tonight.”

“I think you mean more like in an hour,” Catra said and Adora laughed. Maybe she hadn’t noticed Catra’s slip up. There was no friendship ending reaction so that had to be the case.

“Well then let’s get going,” Adora said. “I’ll hold the beam in place if you hammer it?”

Catra pulled the hammer from Adora’s tool belt with a smirk. “Always giving me the hard jobs, princess.”

“Wouldn’t want to insult you by making it easy,” she said back.

By the time they had finished with the first beam, Catra was drenched in sweat.

“We can take another break if you need to?” Adora asked, sweat soaking her own shirt.

“No, I can keep going just give me a second.” She rested her hands on her knees. “I would seriously kill for some power tools right now.”

“Yeah well feel free to find me some, but they’re not something you can just buy used at a thrift store.”

Then an idea bubbled up into Catra’s mind. “What if we borrowed instead?”

Adora’s head popped up to look at her. “Does Scorpia have power tools? Have you been holding out on me this whole time?”

She shook her head. “Scorpia and Perfuma have nothing more intense than a lawnmower.”

“Then who?”

“How much have I told you about my roommate Entrapta?”

After an explanation to Adora and a long, very frustrating but successful phone conversation with Entrapta, Catra shoved her phone back into her pocket and turned to a waiting Adora.

“She said yes!”

Adora’s eyes went wide, and she jumped into the air, fist pumping and hollering. Catra watched her celebrate with a smile so big it hurt her cheeks.

“She has a nail gun, drill, and a power saw she said we could use,” Catra continued.

“Oh thank the lord.” Adora stopped her jumping and pulled Catra into a hug and swung her around a little—though not much because they were still on the roof.

Catra choked a little at the unexpected touch. She forced down any unwanted thoughts and chose instead to laugh at Adora’s antics.

“Put me down you idiot. I still have to tell you the bad news.”

Adora let her arms fall from around Catra’s side and stepped back so she could look at with her eyebrows all scrunched up in worry.

“Entrapta doesn’t have a car right now. Well she does, but it was impounded because she was driving it around testing some external claw moving device. Something about helping to get traffic moving manually.” Catra shook her head. “Anyway, if we want the tools, we’ll have to go to Seattle to get them.”

Adora’s expression shifted from worry to fear. “I don’t—”

“You don’t have to go,” Catra said holding her hands up to try and calm Adora down. “I know you probably still want to avoid going back to there and not risk dealing with whatever person or thing you came here to get away from. I could just go by myself. It’s not a big deal.” It might even be better—she’d be able to use her usual methods of remaining undetected by those in the city that would be all to happy to find her without having to explain herself.

Looking out at the ocean, Adora’s clenched her jaw tight so that Catra could see the muscles working. “We’d go straight to Entrapta’s and back right?” she asked without looking back.

And Catra could see this so easily tipping them over, breaking the little peace that they had formed. “Yes, but I’m serious you don’t—”

“It’s okay, Catra. I want to go.” She took a long breath and then smiled at her. “A road trip sounds fun.”

“Yeah?”

Adora nodded. “When would we go?”

“Well what do you have going tomorrow?”

“Hopefully a trip with this really mean girl I know.” Adora smirked.

Catra laughed and shoved her a little. “You bet your ass I’m mean. Now let’s get this hole covered, so the whole thing doesn’t flood while we are gone.”

* * *

The next morning Catra arrived in Scorpia’s car. Adora of course was already up at the road waiting with her backpack. Adora tossed her things into the back and then jumped into the passenger seat.

“You told Scorpia thank you like a million times for letting us borrow her car, right?” she said as she buckled up and got situated. “I owe her big time. I can maybe do some yardwork for her and Perfuma. Do you know if they need their roof fixed or something?”

“How about you fill up the tank after we use it and call it good?”

Adora nodded, but her eyes were still unfocused with thought. “Well duh, I’ll do that. It’s just common courtesy. What if I get them a bunch of treats from Razz’s? Everyone has to love Razz’s cookies.

Catra rolled her eyes. “Sounds like a plan as long as you get me some too.”

“Of course!” Then she paused for a second. “Speaking of… can we stop at a gas station and get some snacks before we really get going?”

“I don’t know what you’re used to in your lawyer, horse girl bougie world,” Catra said as she put the car into drive and pulled back onto the highway. She sent Adora a sideways smirk. “But a road trip is not a true road trip without snacks.”

Once the gas tank was filled and their laps loaded down with chips and red vines and skittles, they were truly on their way. Crimsonville was out on the Olympic Peninsula so a drive to Seattle would take them around three and a half. They could catch a ferry and maybe cut the time down, but there was no way in hell Catra would ever go that far out over water unless her life depended on it. Maybe even then.

The long drive didn’t bother her though. Catra started up her ‘Traffic Jams’ playlist she had made on Spotify the night before and was ready to cruse through the hours. Beside her Adora nodded her head and bounced along with the music. She mumbled along with the words, always saying the phrase a beat or so too late.

“You never heard these songs before, princess?”

Adora’s little dancing stopped. “No, I really only listen to pop or whatever’s on at the gym.”

Catra quietly laughed, but Adora didn’t pay her any mind. Her face was set with determination as if she were talking about something far more serious than music taste.

She continued, “But my friend Bow would listen to music like this. Indie rock stuff, you know. So I’ve heard some of these songs. Bow would make me playlists sometimes, but I didn’t have much time to listen to them while I was still working.”

The music swelled to the chorus and Catra felt both full of too much and not enough at once. Where did Adora get off sharing things like that—little intimacies of herself—so casually? She hadn’t really been lying about the whole trying to be better thing. But there was still so much she wanted to know. How did this Bow guy fit into Adora’s life? Was she running from him? Were all the unanswered messaged on her phone from him?

The song continued and Catra realized she’d let the silence go on too long, so she forced herself to answer with at least something. “I-if you wanted… I could make you a playlist?”

“Really?”

“Yeah why not?” Catra gained back some of her stability. “If I have to educate you on movies and memes, we might as well at music to the mix too.”

Adora’s eyes sparkled. “I can’t wait.”

Catra’s chest ached. This was a normal friend thing though. Nothing like the unstable mess Catra’s feelings created. It didn’t matter what she felt. Friends was enough. It had to be.

“So are you ready for your finals?” Adora asked.

Catra groaned. “I’m getting there. Still feels like I have so much reviewing to do. But I’m almost done with the rough draft of my paper then you can read through it for me.”

“With how much work you’ve put into it I’m sure you’ll barely need my help,” Adora replied.

When Catra pulled her eyes from off the road and peered over at Adora, she found her looking out at the forest at it passed—seemingly lost in thought.

“I, uh noticed that you’ve been putting in a lot of extra work too,” Catra said, still sneaking glances. “Reading articles and stuff.”

“Yeah they’ve been um… helpful with my whole figuring things out thing, you know?”

Have you?” Catra asked quietly—not wanting to push but also desperately wanting to know. Not that it would change anything, she reminded herself. “I mean, figured it out at all?”

“I mean maybe a little.” She wrung her hands in her lap. “The stories in the articles are all pretty relatable, but I still don’t know what I really feel. I’m more of a go workout or build things person than a feelings person.”

“You could say that again,” Catra laughed. “I’m pretty shitty with feelings too, but I do know my fair share about what it’s like to be gay if you ever want someone to talk to about it.”

Adora’s cheeks burned red. “Y-yeah I’ll let you know, but I think for now I need to work things out by myself.”

Catra nodded, trying to swallow down the sting of rejection. She shouldn’t expect Adora to go to her for help when Catra didn’t do the same. Adora was trying just like she said she would. Catra shouldn’t care so much about what Adora figures out anyway.

The song changed and Catra focused on singing along the lyrics, getting lost in the twists of the forest highway.

But before the next song came on, Adora spoke up again. “Okay so explain to me why Entrapta has so many power tools. Is she a construction worker?”

“Not exactly. Technically she’s a freelance tech and design consultant for a bunch of the companies in Seattle, but honestly if she wanted to, she could probably start up her own tech company. She owns the agency she works for called Drylled Inventions and picks and chooses whatever jobs she does and doesn’t want.”

“Wait Drylled Inventions?” Adora gasped almost choking on the red vine hanging from her lips. “Your Entrapta is _that_ Entrapta?”

“I mean how many people do you know in the world named Entrapta.”

“Says the girl named Catra.”

Without looking, Catra reached over and punched Adora in the thigh. The resulting grunt left her cackling. Adora pulled her fist back to retaliate, but Catra pressed herself against the car door as much as she could.

“Hey don’t attack the driver. Unless you want me to drive us into oncoming traffic?”

“You attacked me first!”

“Because you deserved it.”

Adora scoffed, and Catra stuck out her tongue.

“So how to you know about Drylled Inventions anyway?” Catra asked when she finally could stop laughing.

“My friend Bow was obsessed with her inventions.”

And again with the talking about her friends. What had gotten into Adora? That was twice now she’d talked about her past without any pressure from Catra. Maybe Adora was taking this trying thing too seriously. Catra didn’t want her to feel like she _had_ to tell her things about her past.

“He’s an engineer.” Adora’s words came with obvious effort as if she were forcing each one through her teeth. It all made a pit form in the Catra’s stomach. “And he always used her work as inspiration for his own inventions. She’s like his idol.”

“Well just wait until you meet her. She’s not exactly what I would describe as a celebrity. And her experiments involve a lot more trial and error than the world ever gets to see. I have the singed hair and burn marks to prove it.”

“Wait what?” Adora’s voice jumped up an octave.

Catra turned to look at her and found her mouth opened so wide in a gape that you could have stuffed a whole slice of Razz’s pie inside. Her eyes were almost just as wide.

Catra exploded into laughter. “Your face—”

The car lurched as it moved past the rumble strip and into the shoulder.

They both screamed. Catra turned the wheel fast, swerving them back onto the road… and into the other lane. Screaming continued until Catra got the car driving straight again.

Only then did she notice the vice like grip on her arm and shoulder. Hands holding Catra in her seat—protecting her even though it left Adora half out of her seat and in far more danger. Doing her best to not repeat the same mistake, Catra glanced over at Adora. Her face was white with fear.

“You okay?”

The grip loosened. “Yeah, are you?”

Catra nodded. “You have to stop distracting me or we’ll both end up as roadkill.”

“Maybe you should keep your eyes on the road!”

“Then stop making such dumb faces!”

“Stop saying things that surprise me!”

Catra opened her mouth but no comeback came, so instead she shrugged. “You’ve known me long enough you gotta know that’s not going to happen.”

“Yeah you’re right.” Adora chuckled quietly. “So you’ve got to tell me about these experiments.”

“Alright so I promised to help her if she let me move in with her. And it was like my first weekend there and she’d just bought an industrial strength microwave…”

Catra told story after story of Entrapta’s scientific antics, and they laughed and did their best to not crash as the miles went by. Soon the small towns they passed became bigger and the highway shifted into a multiple lane freeway bringing them closer to Seattle.

The deeper they got into the metropolitan area the more memories flooded back to her. Streets and buildings and parks that had all been her own personal playground for months. As they slowed with the rush of traffic, her eyes lingered out on the wharfs and warehouses.

“You know this part of town?” Adora asked.

Catra bite back a ‘no’ with a spew of denials following it. If Adora was going to put this much effort into being open than the least Catra could do was share a little back. It wasn’t like she didn’t already know Catra’s past was dirty.

“We had a staging area back when I was… you know. We used it when we were doing work down here around Federal Way.”

“That sounds like a lot bigger of a deal then selling in the back alleys of Crimsonville.” No judgment or fear sounded in Adora’s voice—just curiosity.

Catra couldn’t help the wave of pride that washed over her even though she knew it was wrong. “It was. Once I started working in the city, I moved up the ranks fast. I had a crew under my command and more dealers than I can remember. It didn’t last for very long though.” The pride faded quickly then, and Catra’s grip on the steering wheel made her knuckles go white. “Things didn’t go the way I thought they would. So I stopped. I changed.”

“Was that when you came back to Crimsonville?”

“No I—uh was here for a while… getting better. Then I moved in with Entrapta. I came back to Crimsonville for other reasons.”

Adora opened her mouth, but then clamped it shut. She must have gotten the hint from Catra’s vagueness that she was done sharing. Or maybe she just didn’t want to know anymore about the list of Catra’s past wrongs. Better to just remain blissfully unaware. Catra didn’t know which one she wanted to be the truth. Everything was just so damn touchy between them.

They went back to listening to the music. The chain of cities flowed into one another without borders to signal the change. Federal Way into Kent into Renton into Tacoma. Lost in the trance of driving, Catra didn’t even notice they were in Seattle until Adora shifted in her seat, looking more directly out the window.

Catra exited the freeway and entered the streets of the city. Tall business buildings towered around them; some old with brick walls and neon signs while other were modern and sleek. At a stop light she read the sign on one of the buildings—Snow’s: Eco Friendly Cooling. The name triggered a memory.

“Hey, there are lots of goodie goodie company’s around here you might have worked with,” Catra said. “I’ve seen some law firms too. Is yours nearby?”

Adora shifted away from the window and sagged into her seat. “No, my firm isn’t open anymore,” she whispered. “It shut down before I left.”

Catra bit her lip, mentally slapping herself. She just had to bring up the past again. She didn’t know what to say that wasn’t an invasive question—like why did it shut down? Did Adora have anything to do with that? Was that what she was running from? So Catra didn’t say anything at all. A heavy silence was better than screwing things up again. They weren’t even halfway through the day; she couldn’t shatter everything before they picked up the tools.

Adora grew more and more agitated the further they got into Seattle. Her hands switching every few minutes from fidgeting in her lap to gripping the sides of her seat all while her knees bounced so much they shook the car.

Hopefully when they were inside Entrapta’s and off the old familiar streets, Adora would feel better. Out of sight out of mind. So Catra cast a silent plea to whoever might be listening that no cops were around (knowing full well a speeding ticket might be the least of her worries if she was pulled over here of all places. That would thoroughly decimate her and Adora’s breakable connection for sure) and pushed down on the gas a little more than she should have.

Soon they entered the South Union Lake area—business buildings joined by marinas filled with old fashioned boats and artsy parks. Entrapta’s condo was a little closer to Capital Hill, but not much farther. Catra made the turns and stops by muscle memory alone, allowing her to check on Adora every few minutes and make sure she hadn’t worked herself into an anxiety attack. It wasn’t long before she pulled into her old parking spot and turned off the engine.

Catra let out a long breath and then turned to Adora with a small reassuring smile. “We’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More and more of their backstories are unveiled, but their relationship grows shakier the closer they get. But that doesn't mean that things are starting to build up to a much larger event. Nope not at all. I don't know what you are talking about haha. 
> 
> Anyways what did you think? How are you feeling about their hot and cold communication and relationship? Feel free to ask questions or let me know what you love or don't love in the comments or at my tumblr (ecrooked24)
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Fic Playlist ---> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=ot69fOT2TJa3JcVtFmFtgw


	9. We Were So Afraid (Seattle Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora AND Catra POV 
> 
> cw: child abuse, self harm
> 
> Earth-- Sleeping at Last  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/16D9AzevsZAh4GfQEYIo7I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every chapter I post has an apology for the delay but that just the way it's going to be especially since my uni classes started up again.   
> Anyways here's the first mixed perspective chapter so get hype!

_We were so afraid,_

_We cried ourselves a hurricane_

_There were floods,_

_Tidal waves over us_

_Fault lines tremble underneath our glass house_

_But I put it out of my mind_

_Long enough to call it courage_

_To live without a lifeline_

_I bend the definition_

_Of faith to exonerate my blind eye_

_"'Til the sirens sound, I'm safe."_

Adora really wasn’t sure what to expect as Catra unlocked the door to Entrapta’s condo. She opened the door wide, so they both could step in.

“On the phone Entrapta said that she is working on a project, so she’s probably holed up in her lab—”

Two gloved hands reached from inside and yanked them both in. Adora stumbled and fell to her knees. When she looked up, a welding mask filled her vision. The gloved hand released its grip around her wrist and pulled the mask up revealing a smiling face with wild fly away purple hair everywhere.

“Yay! I’m so glad you are here! You’re just in time to assist me with my research! Come on.” Entrapta bounced away down the hall. 

Catra leaned down by Adora’s side and wrapped her arm over Adora’s shoulders. “You okay?”

Every place Catra touched burned with a warmth she couldn’t help but lean into. Her brain kicked into hyperdrive-- panic and pleasure running amuck with her thoughts, but she couldn’t pull away. She nodded slowly, slapped her mouth closed, and hoped Catra didn’t notice. If she did, she didn’t say anything about it. Catra gave her a smile and helped her up.

“Hey Entrapta, give us a second to breathe,” Catra shouted after her. Then she turned back to Adora. “Sorry about her. She gets really excited about her work.”

“It’s alright. I know what that’s like.”

Catra flashed her another smile before heading down the hallway. Adora trailed after her, but walked slower, lingering to examine the half built robots resting on couches and machines on the floor and wires and gears and gadgets filling all on the spaces between.

They found Entrapta in a room where all the machinery seemed to emanate from. Monitors and parts sat on every surface. Entrapta moved around between it all as if she knew exactly where every tool and gear was. An organized chaos.

“I’ve moved past the chemistry phase, Catra! The compound is stable, so now I have to test it’s durability. That’s where you come in. I made several attempts to tests the g-force using—”

“Woah woah, Entrapta,” Catra waved her hands to pull her attention from her ramble. “I’m excited to see what you have going and I promise that I’ll help you, but we just got here and I’m hungry. When was the last time you ate?”

“A full meal?”

Catra nodded.

Entrapta counted on her fingers for a few moments and stared into the distance. “I’m not sure. Since Candice left for her weekend break a few days ago probably, but I’ve made so much progress Catra.” She turned back to her machines and pulled down her mask.

Adora hopped backward when sparks jumped suddenly from Entrapta’s blow torch. She shot Catra a questioning look.

“Candice is her personal chef. And shopper and cleaner. She can take care of herself, but she’s got the money so might as well have someone else do it,” Catra shrugged with a smirk. As if that answered everything. Then she spoke louder, over the screech of the blow torch. “Entrapta, how about we put a pause on this. I’ll heat up some of those tiny pizzas you love that Candice always buys in bulk. And you can collect the tools that Adora needs. Then after we eat, we can work on your compound. Alright?”

The blow torch stopped. “Seems like a fair plan. I’ll start now.” She stood up from her tools and scurried off into another room. Loud clangs and thumps echoed after her and bolts and gears were tossed into the air.

A pipe rolled out and bounced off Adora’s sneaker. She raised an eyebrow and looked up to Catra with concern, but Catra just barked a short laugh and grabbed her hand.

“Come on. Let’s get those pizzas in the oven.”

Catra pulled her along into the kitchen. Adora sat at the island bar while Catra pulled a feast worth of miniature pizzas out of the freezer, placed them onto a pan, and shoved them in the oven.

“I see where you got all your cooking skills,” Adora said.

Catra jumped up to sit on the countertop besides Adora. She put one foot on the chair in front of her and the other she plopped across Adora’s lap.

“You’re one to talk. I’ve seen your fridge. All you have is stuff to make smoothies and soup. At least I know how to cook more than this.”

Some part of Adora knew the bite in Catra’s words was more joking than real, but still she backpedaled. “Hey, I just meant it’s sweet how you know what she likes. Did you cook for her a lot?”

“Only when Candice isn’t here to make her eat.” She shrugged. “She gets lost in her projects and just forgets unless someone reminds her. Sound like anyone you know?”

“I uh, might relate a bit to that,” Adora said as she rubbed the back of her neck.

Catra laughed, easily finding another topic to start teasing Adora about while they waited. Adora was just glad that things were feeling more normal again. She’d let Catra tease her all day long—telling jokes and kicking her foot against her stomach when she laughed—if that made up for all the stupid things she had said. Adora was ready to go anywhere, do anything, answer Catra’s questions as much as she could. Tell her all about why the firm was gone and how it was her fault. Explain why she had to run away even if the shame of Catra knowing would burn Adora up inside. 

They just couldn’t fight again. Adora wouldn’t do that to them.

The background noise of bangs and bumps stopped without Adora noticing, but she definitely noticed when Entrapta walked into the room with a stack of tools and boxes that filled her arms and went over her head.

“Let me help you.” Adora grabbed the top half of the stack.

“Thank you!” Entrapta shouted. “Let’s take this to the front hallway so it doesn’t get mixed up with the rest of my equipment.”

She teetered off, and Adora followed—only glancing over her shoulder to see Catra watching them with a smile. Adora snapped her focus back towards Entrapta. She couldn’t think about how that smile made her feel. Not when she was still fixing things. Not when she knew it was wrong. She _would not_ ruin everything again. 

By the time they returned, Catra was pulling the pizzas out of the oven. With Entrata’s help, Adora got them out some plates and laid them out on the bar. They all filled their plates, and Catra and Adora sat down. But Entrapta instead rifled through a drawer.

“Found it!” She held out a weird device that looked like a mix between an air horn and a hand fan.

“What is—” Adora started, but Catra bumped her shoulder.

“Just watch.”

Entrapta pressed a button on her… thing, and it whirled to life. The fan spun and a faint mist blew out from a nozzle. She directed the mist towards each of their pizzas with one hand and kept an eye on her watch with the other. As she got closer some of the mist touched Adora’s fingers. Goosebumps broke out across her hand. It was cold.

When she finished with all of them, she turned off the device and placed it on the counter. “Twenty-seven seconds for each pizza will leave them at the perfect eating temperature of seventy-one degrees celsius. Now let’s eat!” She grabbed one of her pizzas and shoved over half of it in her mouth.

Both Adora and Catra quickly joined her in stuffing their faces. Only after they had all eaten at least four did they slow down enough to talk again.

“Catra told me that you are living in the lighthouse north of town,” Entrapta said. “Why did you choose to live there? Last time I was there it looked like it was ready to be demolished. I even asked Catra if I could blow it up once, but she wouldn’t let me.”

“Oh uh.” Adora swallowed a big bite and wiped her mouth. “I didn’t have enough money to buy a full house without getting a mortgage, and I really didn’t want to do that. But the government was selling the lighthouse and the land around it for cheap, so I ended up there. I’m fixing it up so that it is livable. Catra has been helping me a ton.”

Entrapta nodded. “Catra is a good helper. I’ve missed having you as a lab partner here.”

“I wouldn’t really call myself your partner,” Catra said between bites. “I think I fit more into the igor position.”

“Igor?” Entrapta tilted her head in confusion.

“It’s like a servant assistant to a genius scientist. Usually dumb and fairly useless.”

“Oh! I wouldn’t say that at all!”

Catra shrugged and chuckled. “Thanks Entrapta. I’ll be back... eventually to help you out again, and maybe then you’ll change your mind.”

“Were you able to sell your mother’s house yet?”

Adora felt more than saw Catra flinch at the words. Her hackles rising. 

But Entrapta didn’t notice. “It’s been a couple months since the will reading—”

“Stop!” Catra’s hands slammed against the counter and both Adora and Entrapta jumped at the sound. Taking a long breath, Catra curled her hands into fists and looked at Entrapta slowly. “I haven’t sold it, and I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Entrapta quickly grabbed her plate and jumped down from her seat. “I can tell from the loud outburst that you are having one of those ‘I need to be alone’ moments you taught me about, so I’m going to go back to my lab and get the compound ready for testing. When you are ready come and join me.”

She walked off leaving Adora and Catra sitting in silence. Catra’s body was still stiff with tension, but Adora couldn’t move to comfort her. Her mind still reeled from the information Entrapta had spilled. If there was a will then… Catra’s adopted mother must be dead. Probably recently. No wonder Catra hadn’t wanted to talk about the house with her. It probably hurt to even think about it. And Adora had tried to push her into it like the freaking idiot she was. She burned to know more—all the details she lacked—but fixing this was more important.

“Adora I—”

“It’s okay, Catra. You don’t have to talk about it.” She rushed to say before Catra had to hurt herself anymore. “I can just pretend like I didn’t hear anything. I’m going to… go and join Entrapta. Give you that alone time you need.”

Before Catra had to say anything else, Adora was off her seat and down the hall.

She found Entrapta sitting in the middle of the floor staring at vial full of some weird white-ish sludge.

“So uh what’s that you got there?” Adora asked.

Entrapta turned to her with a huge grin. “This is compound 36-D. I finally made a substance that will handle extreme hots and colds and now it’s ready to move on to g-force testing.”

“What’s it for?”

“I’m not quite sure yet.” She held the vial close to her face and looked at Adora through it. “But I’m thinking it would possibly work as insulation for a deep space ship. Or even for space suits. But first I have to make it perfectly durable.”

“Okay how are you going to test the g-force? Do you have a special facility or—”

“With this!” Entrapta pointed to a massive object in the middle of the room. A huge dark sheet covered it, but Entrapta grabbed it with one hand and pulled it off with a flourish.

Adora’s mouth fell open. “Is that… a merry go round?”

“Yes! Isn’t it great? One of the nearby children’s parks needed the ball bearings for it fixed so I offered to do the maintenance. I’ll return it as soon as I’m done with this experiment. I’ve connected it to a motor—” she pointed to a tire that touched the edge of the playground toy which was attached to a larger mass of mechanics-- “Now I just have to devise a way to hold the compound onto it without it breaking.”

Adora stepped forward to look at it all closer. “Well I could just sit on there and hold it.”

“I want to test up to several g’s. I don’t think—”

“I’m sure I can handle it. I used to play on one of these as a kid.” She stepped onto the rig and squeezed to sit down between two metal bars-- she was a bit bigger than the intended user. Wrapping her arms around the bars and bracing their legs, she couldn’t help but grin. “Hand me that stuff and let’s get this thing going.”

Entrapta shrugged and placed the vial into her outstretched hand. She moved to the engine and pressed a few buttons before looking back at Adora. “Try not to break the vial or let it go. I’m still not sure how it will react to most surfaces... or skin.” Adora’s eyes widened, but Entrapta didn’t stop long enough to let her interject. “I’ll start slow and build up speed. Just shout stop if you can’t handle it. And we’ll launch in three, two, one—”

“Um—”

“Launch!” Entrapta slammed her hand down on the engine and the merry go round started to spin.

It really wasn’t too bad at first. A few seconds in and the room started to blur, but Adora wasn’t prone to motion sickness, and she had a good grip. Soon gravity pulled at her skin and limbs. She flexed her arms hard to keep her from flying off. Her shoes lost traction, and they slipped from their spot leaving only her arms keeping her in place. Adora clenched her jaw. It felt like a million pounds was being pressed to her back. Like magnets pulled her hands and feet outward. It only got faster. Her butt lifted off the metal floor and the glass of the vial slipped further and further out of her fingers.

“Stop! Stop!” she shouted.

The engine shut off and slowly the merry go round came to a halt. Adora collapsed to her side—careful to keep the possibly dangerous vial upright and away from her.

Entrapta leaned down to peer into her face. “You didn’t even make it to a full g. We’ll have to think of some other way to do this.”

“What are you two dummies doing?” Catra shouted as she entered the room.

Entrapta grabbed the vial and ran over to her. “Adora just helped me conduct my first g force experiment on my new substance. And look! It held up under almost one g.”

Catra’s eyes moved from the vial to Entrapta’s smiling face to Adora collapsed and watching the exchange on the playground toy before responding. “Entrapta you have access to professional equipment. Why are you using toys?”

“Because it’s fun! But I need a way to hold the vial onto the merry go round without it flying off. Manually holding it won’t work.”

“Obviously,” Catra huffed.

But Entrapta wasn’t fazed. She pulled out a tablet from her tool belt and began typing away at it. “I can easily build a box to hold it, but the real question is how to attach it to the merry go round without damaging it. That means welding is out. I could just buy a new merry go round for the park, I guess..”

“Just use duct tape,” Catra said. “There’s no reason to make things so complicated.”

“Duct tape! Brilliant Catra! This is why I need your help.” Entrapta bounced in place as she spoke. “I’ll go build a box to tape now.”

Entrapta dashed off again, blow torch already flaring.

Catra walked over to where Adora was, now sitting up bracing herself to fight the dizziness. “You okay there, princess?”

“Yeah,” Adora said though she didn’t dare move yet. “I didn’t know you were such a scientist.”

Catra scoffed and placed a hand on a cocked hip-- Adora tried really hard to not focus the way Catra’s body curved, sharp edges to smooth stretches. A nauseous pit of shame formed in her stomach when she inevitably failed. 

“I’m really not though. Entrapta just likes my help because I have a different perspective. I look at things practically. Not like a dumb jock.” Catra pressed a finger against Adora’s forehead.

“Hey!” Adora swiped it away. “You only say that because you could never hold on as long as I did.”

“I bet I could do it easy.”

“Prove it.”

Catra stepped onto the toy and sat down besides Adora. “Go turn it on, princess. I’m waiting.”

Adora laughed-- shaking away the storm of emotion as best she could-- and went over to the engine controls. She found the start button and then smirked back up at Catra. “Trust me. You’re going to want to hold on.”

Catra rolled her eyes but gripped onto the bars tight. With a dramatic press of the button the merry go round was spinning again. For a while Adora could still see Catra grinning at her, but soon she began to blur. The vague shape of Catra moved closer and closer to the edge.

“I can stop it, so you don’t fly off,” Adora shouted.

“I’m not going to—”

Suddenly a truck hit Adora in the chest and knocked her back into a pile of robot parts. Well, not really, because trucks were hard and much bigger and this mass was soft and warm and squirmed on top of her.

Adora and Catra groaned in tandem.

“Are you okay?” Adora grunted.

“Me? I’m great.” Catra moved off of her enough that Adora could sit up. “I’m not the one who just was used as a landing mat.”

Adora rubbed her head. Aches were already forming across her back and legs, but she was used to taking hits after playing sports in high school. Better her than Catra. “I’m fine really… I told you I’d win.”

“Yeah whatever. So what, you can hold onto a kid toy for longer than I can? It’s _such_ a big accomplishment.”

Catra threw her head back with a laugh. And when she settled again, Adora realized just how close their faces were. She could feel Catra’s breath against her cheeks.

She knew she should say something. Or back away. Sirens screamed in her head: _wrong, wrong, wrong_. But it didn’t feel all that wrong. She was stuck. Catra didn’t move either—blue and gold eyes fixed on Adora’s. It didn’t make sense. Not when Catra was probably still upset about everything and needed space and Adora shouldn’t let whatever weird emotions she was feeling mess things up and was Catra leaning in closer?—

“I finished the container!” Entrapta shouted.

Catra jumped away, getting up to her feet. Adora finally moved, scooting backwards and dropping her head in shame. Everything she did today was wrong wasn’t it.

Entrapta turned the engine off. “What are you doing on the floor?”

“Oh, nothing,” Adora answered. 

She started to slowly rise, the already forming bruises making her body protest. Catra offered her a hand, and she took it—maintaining plenty of distance between them.

“Well since you are done being on the floor, I’ve got all the duct tape we need to attach this to the merry go round.” Entrapta held up a metal box and a big roll of purple duct table.

Catra took the tape from her. She ripped a long strand and gave them both a wide mischievous smile. “Let’s get to taping.”

Adora held the box in place while Catra taped it down—probably using an excessive amount of tape, but she’d never known Catra to do anything halfway. When it was on tight Entrapta placed the substance in the it’s container.

“Okay step back ladies. Time to spin this baby.”

Adora watched as Entrapta kicked on the engine and the merry go round began to rotate. Entrapta’s eyes gleamed with delight as it got faster and faster—much faster than Adora or Catra had gone.

“That’s three g’s,” Entrapta said, stopping it again. “Grab my notebook over there and record for me the results when we check it, Catra. And you Adora, use my tablet to take pictures.”

They each jumped to their tasks—documenting and recording everything before starting the engine up again. When the substance came out as much more liquidy than sludgy, Entrapta pulled out 36-E to start the process all over again. They went on and on (and possibly maybe had to reattach the box after it flung off and almost decapitated Catra) until substance 36-M survived a 12 g trip around the merry go round from hell.

“Now let’s move on to testing the process of integrating 36-M into a fabric for a suit—”

“Hold up.” Catra caught Entrapta’s gloved hand before she ran off to grab more tools. She let go as soon as Entrapta stopped. “It’s almost dinner time, why don’t we take a break before we start on anything else?”

“But we just ate?”

Adora looked down at her watch. “Like over four hours ago.”

Entrapta looked at Adora expectantly and Adora just stared back, unable to ignore a rumble in her stomach. Catra looked between them both and sighed.

“I’ll make you some more mini pizzas.”

“Alright!” Entrapta said. “Let me know when they're done.”

While Entrapta went back to her work, Catra walked towards the kitchen. Adora stood still for a few moments, unsure of where to go. Bug Catra or risk getting pulled into another possibly dangerous experiment. Eventually she ran after Catra, finding her in the kitchen putting more pizzas on a pan.

“Are we really going to eat pizzas again?” she asked.

“Hell no. I was thinking of ordering some Chinese from a place I like. Sound good to you?”

Adora nodded fervently. She took over watching the oven while Catra pulled out her phone to order. They both ended up sitting at the bar again waiting quietly. Adora fiddled with Entrapta’s pizza cooler while Catra turned her phone on and off again—sometimes pushing her phone away only to grab it again.

“Everything okay?” Adora asked.

Catra flipped her phone face down. “It’s just uh getting late. If we leave after we eat we won’t get back until almost midnight.”

Guilt rushed through Adora in a wave again. “I’m so sorry. I took up your whole day with this trip and you still have work and tests and—”

“Don’t freak out dude. You always freak out,” Catra rushed to speak over her. “I don’t work tomorrow and like… I can just pull an all nighter. I’ll still be able to study. It’s fine.”

It didn’t feel fine. Adora wracked her brain. There had to be an option better for Catra. “What if… what if we just stayed the night?”

“What?”

“I mean we’d have to ask Entrapta, but I don’t have anywhere to be and then you could get your studying done without having to stay up all night after driving and we could go home tomorrow and if you don’t want me to stay I can find a bus—”

“What the hell, Adora?”

Adora flinched. She’d said something wrong. Again. “I’m sor—”

“Do you really think I’d send you away on a bus?”

“Um…”

“If I stay then you stay,” Catra said firmly. But then the set of her jaw loosened, and she glanced away. “Unless you want to leave…”

The tension didn’t fade. She didn’t know how to keep this all together. “I-I don’t.”

Catra looked at her for a long moment. Both of them staring. Adora waited for her to say something. To do something. To show just how bad Adora had screwed up.

Finally, Catra looked back at her phone. “Okay. We can stay.”

They sat in silence, waiting for the pizzas to finish and their order to arrive. Slowly, Adora let her body relax again. It hadn’t all fallen apart quite yet. 

When the food was ready, they pulled Entrapta from her work and ate all together again. It wasn’t hard to convince Entrapta to let them stay—she was more than happy to have her lab partners stay a bit longer. 

Catra cleared a space at a table and got set up with her laptop and notebooks. Adora hovered nearby, watching her start to work through an essay and take notes.

“I could help with something,” Adora said. “You’ve got a lot to do, you should use me to your advantage.”

“I’m okay, Adora,” Catra grunted. She pressed her pen down hard on the paper as Adora leaned over her to look closer at her work.

“I could read something and take notes. Or look over—”

“Adora—”

“—Your other homework. I promise you won’t regret it. I did graduate you know—”

“Adora!” Catra growled and pushed Adora from where she leaned over her shoulder. “I’m not incompetent. I can do my own homework.”

Adora stumbled back a few steps both from the push and the stinging words. “I-I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ll leave you alone.”

She slipped out of the room as fast as she could leaving Catra immersed in her studying—the second time she’d run away today. The second time she’d majorly screwed up. She had only been trying to help. There had to be something she could do to make it up to her.

Adora found Entrapta still hard at work in her lab. When she offered her assistance, Entrapta quickly put her to work holding things, carrying heavy objects, trying on a glove that she was concerned might melt her skin. 

After almost two hours of working-- all while thinking herself into a hole-- Adora did what she knew was verging close to taking it too far. But for Catra it would be worth it.

“Hey Entrapta can I ask you something?”

Entrapta’s voice was muffled by her welding mask, but Adora still could make it out. “You can ask, but I can’t guarantee I will have a correct answer for you.”

“What happened to Catra’s mom?”

“I think it was liver failure. Catra always said her mother liked to drink,” she said as she continued to work.

Adora nodded slowly. “And… do you know why she hasn’t sold the house yet?”

“I can’t be sure as I haven’t tested any of my hypotheses, but the one I suspect is the most likely is that Catra and her mother had a strained relationship that resulted in Catra leaving the home before she turned eighteen. If you wanted to know more you could probably ask Scorpia. Catra talked to her more about emotional things than me.” Entrapta stopped her torch and actually lifted her mask to look at her. “Why do you want to know all of this?”

She froze. She couldn’t let Entrapta get suspicious or she might tip off Catra before Adora could make a plan to make things better. “I uh... just want to help Catra if I can. Like a surprise” 

She took a shaky breath. Time to make the last push.

“Do you think you could give me Scorpia’s number? For the surprise.”

“Sure!” Entrapta pulled her phone from a pocket of her overalls and offered it over to Adora to put in her own number so Entrapta could send the contact.

They returned to their experimenting. Adora wrote out a text to Scorpia—editing it and editing it and editing it until finally she bit the bullet and hit send.

_Hey Scorpia this is Adora_

_I wanted to talk to you about doing something for Catra_

_I thought maybe we could fix up her mother’s house for her some as a surprise_

_Would you be interested?_

She checked her phone every few minutes. A pit in her stomach growing whenever she didn’t find a new notification. But it was late, she told herself over and over again. Things would be different in the morning.

* * *

Catra’s eyes felt like they were ready to fall out of her skull. It had been hours of studying. Picking through textbooks and old homework and practice tests and anything to make her feel the slightest bit of reassurance that she wouldn’t fail every single one of her classes. The words started to swim on the pages and documents. She really needed a break, but she really shouldn’t. If she did then she’d just prove _her_ right. 

The creak of floorboards—standing out against Entrapta’s mechanical cacophony—pulled her from her thoughts. Out of the corner of her eye she watched Adora do her best to sneak into the room.

Catra didn’t acknowledge her. She knew she’d been harsh, but Adora’s egotistical need to show Catra just how good she was at college was hard to deal with enough when she wasn’t stressed out of her mind. Adora meant well, but Catra really wasn’t in the mood to hear whatever new way to help she’d come up with. All the dark and mean inside her she’d worked so hard to push down and hide away stood too near to the surface, threatening to tear into the girl that she-- 

She signed. Was it too much to ask for some easy peace between them?

“Catra?”

“Hmmm?” She didn’t look up from her work.

“What are—what… um where do you want me to sleep tonight?”

“Oh.” Catra’s hand stopped writing mid-word. She hadn’t thought of that when she’d agreed to this whole plan. She stared at her computer for a moment before taking a long breath. It wasn’t like she had a lot of options to pick from. She stood and then waved her hand to Adora. “Follow me.”

Catra guided them through the condo to a room they hadn’t been in before. She pushed the door open and gestured for Adora to step in.

It wasn’t much different than her room back in Scorpia’s house. She let Adora move in deeper while she lingered by the door. Adora looked close at the few pictures taped to the wall of Catra with Scorpia or Entrapta. Small sketches or paintings littered between them or scattered on the desk. Besides that there wasn’t much to see. Nothing Catra wouldn’t mind leaving behind again—or forever.

Adora picked up her polo uniform shirt draped over a chair and ran her finger over the patch of fairy wings on the breast pocket. She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Flutterina FreeMart?”

Catra groaned and pulled the shirt away from Adora and tossed it towards her closet. “Not all of us have bigwig jobs like lawyer or consultant. It was all I could get.”

Adora rushed to hold her hands up in surrender. “No judgement.” Catra looked at her a moment and then sighed. She didn’t want Adora to be like this. She didn’t like the fear that swam in her eyes every time Catra spoke now. Everytime she lashed out without meaning too. 

“Well, here’s a bed.” She gestured to the full mattress tucked into the corner of the room.

“But this is yours?”

Catra rubbed at the bridge of her nose and then shoved her hands into her pockets to at least attempt to hide her frustration. “Adora my brain hurts too much to fight about this. Just take the bed.”

Thankfully, she didn’t argue and sat down on the bed. The look was back. “Where will you sleep?”

“On the couch or whatever. I’ll be up late anyway. It’s fine. Just go to sleep.”

Catra backed towards the door. “The bathroom is just across the hall if you need it.”

Adora nodded, and Catra stepped out and closed the door behind her as fast as she could. She stood in the hallway breathing hard. She knew she should go back in and smooth things over. It was her fault really that Adora was so riled up. She was the one that had reacted poorly over and over again. But if she went in there and tried to apologize then she’d have to talk about her emotions, and it would all come boiling down to the whole reason Catra lashed out in the first place. She couldn’t let herself get any closer to Adora. Adora shouldn’t want to be around her at all. She knew inevitably it wouldn’t end well.

She made her way back to the table and sat down to her work. There were still things she needed to do—old tests to study and texts to read and she was only halfway done with the rough draft of her paper-- but as she tried to dive back into it, her thoughts continued to pull back to Adora. She imagined her sitting on the bed—no she’d be laying under the blankets now—the same place Catra had occupied so many nights before. Filling the spaces that Catra barred from everyone else. It wasn’t like this was the first time for that. But now she had all of Catra’s bland old life displayed around her. Adora might question why Catra would even want to come back to this. After seeing the room again, Catra had to agree with the idea. But what was the other option? Thinking there could be something (or someone) more for her in Crimsonville was just naïve and wishful. She didn’t deserve something like that. 

Catra let her head drop to the desk hard. She wasn’t going to get anything more done tonight. Collecting her things, she shoved them back into her bag, and opted instead to get ready for bed. Ten minutes later, she was laid out on the couch bundled in blankets.

For hours she tried to sleep, and when it eluded her she chalked it up to never ending clanking and banging from Entrapta’s lab, but she knew it was more than that. There were words ringing in her ears. Adora’s fearful apologies and condescending offers to help. Reminding Catra that she couldn’t do anything and when she tried, she only hurt the people she cared about the most.

_Worthless._

_Waste of space._

_Monster._

And it was those words that led her into a nightmare though she wasn’t even sure she’d even fallen asleep. Still the memory played across the back of her eyelids. The words were shouted at her through the door of the closet. Hands scratching into the wood leaving streaks of new wet blood overtop of the dried crusty ones painted earlier. They were smaller hands—six years old.

“ _Don’t pretend like you don’t deserve this_.”

Catra cried silently, her voice long gone after the who knew how many hours of screaming. She couldn’t even remember what she had done to anger her anymore.

“ _I doubt you’ve learned your lesson by now_.”

She beat her fist weakly against the barrier between her and the hissed words. She didn’t know how long it had been since she’d last eaten or had water or saw light (Weaver never turned the lamp on in the hall when she trapped her there). But it didn’t matter. She just _needed_ to get out of there. She couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t breathe. Could barely string thoughts together.

“ _You never change, do you Catra? Never apologize or respect me. Another night in here won’t make you any less useless to me_.”

The door would open soon. It had to. That was how it had always worked.

“ _But maybe another night in there will break your spirit. I think I’d like to try_.”

Instead of the twist of the door handle, Catra heard footsteps move down the hall. Getting quieter as the distance grew.

“ _No_!” she finally screamed. “ _No! Let me out! Let me out_!” Her throat burned as she howled over and over again into the darkness. What was left of her fingernails tore and broke. The darkness pressed down on her until she curled into a ball on the ground. Shaking. Crying. Silently screaming.

“No,” Catra said out loud as she smacked her hands down hard on the couch beneath her and forcibly pulled herself from the memory. She didn’t need to relive the darkness. She’d lived through it enough times already. 

She stood and moved to the closest source of light; arms wrapped tight around each other and nails digging into her skin. She peaked in on Entrapta-- her blow torch and array of computer monitors illuminated the room with a bluish glow. But her friend was transfixed on something—moving back and forth between her tools and keyboard frantically and mumbling to herself. It was probably best Catra didn’t disturb her.

She paced the room. Looking at the robots and machines on the furniture and floor. Opened the fridge and stared at the food even though she knew she wasn’t hungry. Stared out the window at the lights of the city. But she couldn’t go lay back down again and all the memories and words hung in the shadows around her—waiting for the moment she let her guard down to pounce. She hadn’t had such a visceral dream in such a long time—over the last few months even the weaker ones were uncommon. But her therapist had drilled it into her head enough times to know what she needed to do if she wanted to escape the inevitable panic.

There was nowhere else to go.

Knocking quietly, Catra pushed open the door to her room a little and peaked inside. Adora lay on her back, holding her phone over her face.

“Catra?” she said just as the phone slipped from her fingers. It landed on her face, and Adora yelped in surprise.

She moved the bedside. “You okay there, dummy?” She meant it to sound teasing, but she couldn’t stop the genuine concern from leaking into her voice. She internally winced at how soft she sounded. It was always too much or too little with her. 

Adora rubbed at her sore nose and then looked up at her. “I’m fine. Only a bruised ego. What’s up?”

Catra froze. Standing in the middle of the dark room. Too close but too far from Adora. Unsure if she opened her mouth whether or not everything bent and broken inside of her wouldn’t come spilling out.

“Catra? What’s wrong?” Adora sat up and reached out to her.

And Catra knew she should step away. Leave the room and go back to her couch. Because this would only lead to more hurt. Yet exhaustion and emotions tempted her to the opposite.

And Catra was so fucking weak.

Her hand found Adora’s at the same time all the air in her lungs came out in a shaky gasp. Adora pulled her down onto the bed and into her arms. Catra really tried to not curl into her. Really, she did. But the warm wall of muscle drew her in, and she pressed her face into the crook of Adora’s shoulder. Her breathing came in rushed pants and gasps, but Adora ran a hand up and down her back in long strokes. It was just enough to keep her from spiraling again.

“What happened? Adora whispered.

“It’s stupid.”

Adora squeezed her tighter. “You can tell me anyway. I do and say dumb things all the time remember.”

“I had a nightmare.” It came out before she had the mind to clamp her mouth shut. “About something bad that happened to me as a kid.”

She wasn’t looking at Adora, but she knew she had that determined look—eyebrows scrunched and eyes so focused on nothing—that she wore when she was trying to think of the right thing to say. But Catra rushed to fill in the silence before Adora could ask any questions.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She sighed and forced her lungs to fill to capacity before she let the air out again. It was shuddery and slow but being with Adora was helping.

“Can I just stay here for a bit?” She braced herself for the rejection. Adora was afraid of her. Adora was ‘figuring things out’. Adora didn’t want to cuddle in bed in the middle of the night. It probably wouldn’t be so bad to go out to the couch again. Maybe after a few hours she’d even be able to go back to sleep.

But Adora’s arms didn’t pull away. Instead they guided them both slowly further down into the mattress. “Of course. You can stay as long as you want.”

They lay on their sides now, their arms wrapped around one another keeping them almost flush. Adora pulled at the blanket with one hand, to unbunch it from between them and drape it overtop of them both. Meanwhile Catra kept her face against Adora's shoulder and tried to breathe normal again.

“I’m sorry to keep you up,” Catra said after a few moments.

“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

Catra peeked up at her. “Why?”

She felt Adora’s body go rigid. She knew this was when she pulled away. Avoided the question or gave a vague answer.

Adora took a controlled breath and then answered. “It’s just weird being back in Seattle after… everything. I’m afraid that my friends will somehow know that I’m here. Like I’m in a place I’ve lost the right to be in.”

Catra reeled. “Do they know you are living in Crimsonville?”

“No I made sure they couldn’t find me. I just disappeared, so they wouldn’t have to pretend that what I did was forgivable.”

Adora’s breath caught in her throat. The truth hung between them. If Catra asked now—both their walls crumbling in the darkness under the weight of each other’s arms—she knew Adora would tell her. Whatever horrible thing she did that ripped her life to shreds.

But that same fear glistened in Adora’s eyes. She didn’t want this. Catra wasn’t naïve enough to even pretend Adora would open up her deepest secrets because she liked her. And even if the impossible were true and Adora did, what would Catra do with a truth like that? Mess it all up because that’s what Catra was best at. Pull at the string until everything fell apart and any feelings Adora had for her would crumble. Then she’d leave her alone in the darkness.

Planting her head against Adora’s shoulder again, she did the thing she was second best at—run away. “Well their loss,” she mumbled.

Adora relaxed around her, free of the pressure to do what she didn’t want to. She didn’t respond, but the gentle movements of her hand across Catra’s back started up again.

Catra knew it was weak, but she let herself melt under the touch. Let it push away the memories and pull her exhaustion back to the surface. She was a weak, worthless coward. But she would only take what Adora wanted to give her and nothing else. So this had to be enough.

Her thoughts drifted in the warmth and soothing touches. Into a darkness that didn’t leave her trembling in fear. She could feel Adora’s breaths even out in time with hers. Her heartbeat constant like the waves on the sand. A silent rhythmic lullaby.

This had to be enough right?

Waking up came soft and slow. A single flame catching on kindling, spreading outward until everything glowed with fuzzy light and breathed warmth into her veins. She pushed deeper into the feeling and found something solid behind it. With sleep driven hands she gripped it tighter. Only for it to pull her in close, flush against the strong soft fire.

She almost let herself be coaxed back to sleep. Fingers scratched at the back of her scalp, and she practically purred.

Then she froze. Fingers were attached to arms which were attached to a person. Catra’s eyes flashed open, but all she could see was a red t-shirt and blonde hair. A loud snore thundered over her head—so goofy it could only be from Adora.

Adora. In bed with her. Cuddled close after sleeping through the night. Not a very ‘just friends’ thing to do. She’d pushed herself onto Adora. Forced herself into her space and life. A moment of weakness and all the effort she’d put into their friendship was probably ruined.

Suddenly the pleasant grew hot and unbearable. Catra pulled herself from Adora’s arms and off the bed in one fast movement. Adora groaned and stirred, but Catra didn’t look back. She darted at the door as quietly as she could.

Collecting a change of clothes, she jumped into the shower. She let the hot water scald her skin, burn away the feeling, the smell of Adora off of her. It didn’t work.

When she finally forced herself back out into the world, she found Entrapta and Adora in the kitchen eating mini toaster waffles.

“Oh uh hi, I warmed one some for you.” Adora pointed to a plate on the far side of the table. She smiled, but Catra could see how it wavered as she avoided her eyes.

So she remembered what happened the night before.

Catra busied herself with eating and let Entrapta and Adora fill the room with conversation.

“I’m going to go and load the car,” Catra said around the last bite. She ran out before anyone could stop her.

The work of carrying and dragging Entrapta’s tools was a welcome distraction, but it wasn’t long before Adora was at her side helping. She tossed both of their bags on top of all the tools.

“Guess it’s time to go home,” Catra said.

“Yeah. home.” But Adora didn’t sound so certain.

They pulled Entrapta from her work for a moment long enough to say goodbye, and then they were back on the road again.

Neither of them spoke for the first long hour of their trip. No singing. No bantering. Catra sat tense with both hands on the wheel, risking a glance every few minutes. She stared out the window at the passing city. Sometimes she texted on her phone, fingers moving frantically even though Catra had never known her to text anyone but her.

And if Catra looked at just the right moment, she might find Adora looking back at her with concerned eyes. But she always looked away fast, pretending it never happened.

“So you have any plans for today?” Catra asked, desperate for proof that she hadn’t utterly destroyed what they had. “We can try out your new power tools?”

Adora still wouldn’t look at her. “Oh um, I need to uh… try and get some writing done actually. Maybe another day?”

Catra hummed a confirmation. That was all the answer she needed. Catra had stepped over the line, gone too far, made Adora uncomfortable around her.

And if she needed quiet—silence, space, time—to feel comfortable again then Catra would give it to her. It didn’t matter how long or how far. She’d do it for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. All this mounting tension will be released soon I promise just let me build it a bit more. They aren't quite at the tipping point yet. 
> 
> I literally live for the comments and kudos on this story. You all are amazing. I love the thoughts and ideas you all have and it really inspires me. And shout out to the people that have come and chatted with me on tumblr. I love getting the art and memes y'all send! You're the best! 
> 
> Feel free to come and yell at me for how mean I'm being on tumblr or ask questions. (I have been known to give hints of what's gonna happen if you're interested in that). I'm at ecrooked24.tumblr.com
> 
> Fic Playlist---->https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=Cs_qJCQPQ5GWhZinR86yYQ


	10. I Only Make Things Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora AND Catra's PoV
> 
> Save Me-- Noah Kahan  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/6e9NA7CWZwoT6V2c91fw8q

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than most my others, but big things are starting to happen so enjoy
> 
> Also shout out to my friend on tumblr anti-social-alpaca for being an awesome beta reader and helping me so much with coming up with new ideas and fixes to all the problems I stumble into in this story

_I'm so passive, too sarcastic_

_Shut you out just out of habit_

_I don't know_

_So I spent five months out here treading water_

_Now I wonder why you bothered_

_I don't know_

_Let me go_

_Why do you keep reaching for my hand?_

_Do you see something I can't?_

_Why do you try to save me?_

_This fate is well deserved_

_I only make things worse_

_Why do you try to save me?_

The fog hung heavy and thick around the lantern room of the lighthouse. Metal railing fenced in edge, but years of rain and wind had rusted and tore some of the metal poles away in patches. Adora sat in one of those gaps, feet dangling over the edge and kicking out into the open sky.

Opening her phone, she checked for notifications even though she’d checked only minutes before. There were all the unread messages from Glimmer and Bow. The ongoing conversation with Scorpia. But nothing from Catra.

Adora sucked in a shuddery breath and pressed the call button again. The call connected and rang for a couple moments before going to voicemail. Not ringing long enough for it be anything but a rejected call. Again.

It had been four days since they’d gotten back from Seattle. Four days since she’d seen Catra. Four days of almost complete radio silence. Catra had responded to a couple of Adora’s texts, but only with rejections to any invitation or offers to help with her paper or to come try out the new tools. Curt and short. No memes. No jokes. No facetime calls in the night to fight away the thick restlessness building under Adora’s skin. She’d barely slept since that night in Seattle.

And Adora felt ready to break.

She couldn’t even distract herself from it all. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t build up the motivation to go out and work on the construction projects she still needed to do—she usually was barely able to even get out of bed.

Only once had she gone into town. She and Scorpia had scoped out Catra’s mother’s house—planning what they would need and getting rid of some weeds and trash in the yard. When Scorpia invited her to come to dinner, it took everything in her to say no. No matter how much she wanted to see Catra, she doubted Catra felt the same way.

Besides that, the most Adora did was go for walks along the beach, picking up stones and shells and driftwood she thought Catra would like. She always meant to drop them back into the surf. Catra didn’t want that junk from her anymore. Catra didn’t even want to talk to her. But the collection that sat on a shelf near Adora’s front door only grew bigger each day.

And when it was too dark and stormy to be outside, Adora spent hours staring at her computer screen unable to write even a sentence.

She’d never had a writing block this bad—not even during her last court case. Not with the stress of a brutal legal fight. Or Glimmer’s growing frustration with her. Or even the pressure to save the firm. Adora somehow could still write then. But not now.

Fat lot of good it did her though. She’d been distracted and it had destroyed everything she had cared about. Hope had always warned her.

_You have to stay focused. Let go of everything else besides the job at hand. You know only you can do it. Nothing else matters. You’ll do great things Adora if you just don’t let yourself get distracted._

Adora had heard those same words so many times—always pushing her to be better, help more people, follow the path laid in front of her. Adora knew them by heart, yet she’d let herself get distracted again.

How could she help Catra—be the best friend she could be for her—if these thoughts and feelings about her, that Adora couldn’t (wouldn’t) give a name to, kept distracting her?

Adora sighed and tossed her phone back behind her out of sight. She dropped her head into her hands and planted her elbows on her knees. It _did no_ t help that being up here at the top of the lighthouse reminded her of Catra so much. She couldn’t help imagining Catra as a teenager sitting right where she sat—gazing out at the sea and feeling the push and pull of the breeze. Adora knew that’s why she loved her motorcycle so much: Catra loved the rush of the wind. Adora really liked knowing that—knowing the little parts of Catra that she had shared. But thinking about what that meant was veering to close to what she couldn’t name.

More distraction keeping her from being able to fix the mess she’d somehow created. 

Adora didn’t even know what she did wrong. She thought she had been being better, giving Catra space when she needed it or answering her questions when she asked about her past. She thought after the nightmare and spending the night together that things were maybe getting better.

But she must have done something wrong. Pushed her into it. Let those unnamable feelings come to the surface for Catra to see. Made her uncomfortable.

Adora rubbed her eyes hard and then looked down between her feet—along the walls of the lighthouse tower to the dark cliffs and the waves crashing beneath.

She should have known she couldn’t hold it together. She could run from her mistakes and the people she had hurt, put miles of distance between them and try to start again, but she couldn’t run from who she was. Glimmer was right—Adora seemed to only make things worse. Catra deserved someone… a friend better than Adora. Because if Catra ever did forgive her, Adora knew she’d just mess up again.

Her fingers weaved up into her hair and dug into her scalp, pulling hard enough to tears strands at roots. 

It didn’t matter. Maybe she should just disappear again. Make it easy for Catra. Then she wouldn’t be a burden. A pity friend.

The drop was long enough. It would be so easy…

She heard her phone buzz behind her and scrambled back away from the edge to grab it. But when she opened it up it was just another message from Scorpia.

_Catra hasn’t been acting like herself lately._

_Or I guess she’s acting more like her old self_

_Maybe this whole surprise thing isn’t a good idea. She probably wants to deal with it at her own pace in her own way. We haven’t done much yet. If we stopped now she might not even notice._

Adora groaned in frustration.

_Or this could help give her some relief and let her focus on dealing with all the emotions without worry about the house._

_Please Scorpia I really need to do this for her_

This was her last chance at fixing things. Even if Catra still didn’t want to be friends anymore, Adora knew she needed to help her with this. It was the least she could do after all Catra had done for her.

She held her breath, waiting for Scorpia’s response.

_Okay but I really think we should only work on the outside for the surprise. Leave the inside for Catra to work on with us_

Adora almost toppled over in relief.

_You’re the best Scorpia_

_Oh you’re too sweet *blush emoji*_

_I have some free time in about an hour. If you wanted to meet me at the grocery story we could go to the diner and make some more plans over brunch?_

_And don’t worry, Catra’s been holing herself up in the office all day so our surprise will stay a surprise_

Already climbing down the ladder, Adora sent off a text.

_I’ll see you there._

When Adora stepped into the grocery store DT called to her from their register. “Hey blondie. The boss told me you were coming. She’s out back finishing up with unloading a shipment, but she’ll be out soon.”

“Oh um okay. I’ll just wait up here I guess.”

She paced along the entrance of the store back and forth a few times. Was Scorpia going to back out after all? Was she right in her reservations? Maybe Catra really just was done with her now. She should just leave her be. But the thought of not even trying to make things better left her feeling like there were bees buzzing in her bones. After letting her thoughts run down her determination, she did what she told herself she wouldn’t. Leaning a little, she could just peek around the counters and shelves to see the door of Catra’s little office at the back of the building.

She was right there behind that door. Seeing it now, her resolve started to crumble. No matter how good she thought this surprise would turn out, she just… really wanted to see Catra again. The days of solitude and silence had worn her down leaving her thoughts more wild and uncontrolled than ever. Being around Catra had usually helped with that. Unless her mind wandered to those thoughts that she knew were wrong. That unnamed want she was supposed to be specifically not thinking about.

Adora turned around and went to sit on a bench near the entrance. Catra had probably noticed the want too. Catra was so smart and observant she probably knew long before Adora even realized. And that’s why she was ghosting her. Maybe—

“Dearest! I think I spy your favorite flavor chips. Perfect for our adventure!”

Adora’s blood ran cold. Adora knew that voice. How was he here? Why? Her throat felt like it was collapsing. The universe must hate her. She wasn’t breathing. This couldn’t just be a coincidence. Couldn’t even move.

A second voice joined in. “We both know those are your favorites not mine, but whatever. Let’s just hurry, so we can get back to the yacht.”

Seeing the two step through the doors triggered something in her and she regained her ability to move again. Almost falling from the seat, Adora scrambled into a run, moving as far away from them as she could.

She didn’t really know where she was going just that she needed to move. Get away. Hide. She bumped into someone. Boxes fell from their hands to the floor, but Adora couldn’t hear their crash over the roaring in her ears. Whoever it was, she shoved past them.

She finally stopped when she found a shadowed corner between a wall and a display of something green. She hit the wall hard and slid down until her body could curl around itself. They couldn’t find her. They’d tell Bow and Glimmer. Or worse they’d spill all her secrets to Catra. Adora’s lungs burned. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe.

A muffled voice spoke near her, but she couldn’t make out the words. Then a hand touched her shoulder. Adora jerked away at first, but when whoever it was tried again, she didn’t fight it.

“Adora I need you to breath.”

Another voice she recognized. Her vision blurred, but when she looked up, she could make out Perfuma’s tan skin and blonde hair. Her thumb rubbed a circle on Adora’s shoulder, and it was grounding enough to give her back her voice.

“I-I can’t,” she gasped.

Perfuma’s hand didn’t move, but she turned to say something that only sounded like gibberish and a Scorpia looking shape dashed off.

“Just hold on Adora. Focus on what you can see. What you can feel or smell.”

And she tried, she really did. But she knew they could be coming around the corner any minute. They couldn’t miss Adora like this—vulnerable and causing a commotion. They’d see her. They’d find her. They’d tell. They’d tell. They’d tell.

* * *

Catra watched her phone light up. Adora’s dorky contact picture smiled back at her. Her hand twitched to pick it up from where it sat on her office desk. To press that little green button. It would be so easy just to answer and go back to pretending her feelings were anything but platonic.

But when she reached over, she pressed the red button instead. Being weak was what had gotten them into this mess. She owed this to Adora, no matter how hard it was. Catra just needed some time and then maybe she could get over this. Be okay with just being friends. If Adora even still wanted that.

She did her best to throw herself into the work. Digitizing old documents. Streamlining payments. Researching ways to improve product placement and shit like that. It kept her busy, but not enough to distract her thoughts from Adora. It was the same every day. It was just too easy to imagine what she might be doing. Probably finishing up on the siding of the lighthouse—she had never really needed Catra especially now that she had Entrapta’s power tools. Or maybe she was on a run. Out exploring the beach. Catra remembered the way Adora had laughed and smiled as the crabs darted around in the tide pools or when she spotted a little fish. She could still be happy like that without Catra.

She didn’t need her.

_No one does._

Groaning, Catra squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to focus on just the feeling of her lungs expanding and collapsing. In and out. Just like her therapist had taught her (and Perfuma constantly reminded her). The last thing she wanted was to spiral this early in the morning.

After a few moments, her thoughts had cleared enough to refocus on her work. She plugged in her earbuds and turned on something loud and upbeat and started typing away, letting herself be carried away by the numbers and music.

When a hand landed on her shoulder, she didn’t know how long she had been working, but she did know she was not okay with someone just barging in to interrupting and touching her. Twisting away in her chair, she growled and pulled out her ear bud.

“What the hell—”

The pallid hue and wild expression on Scorpia’s face was enough to cut her off.

“It’s Adora,” Scorpia said, and everything in Catra went still. Had something bad happened? Was she hurt? She shouldn’t have rejected that last call. Adora could have been calling for help or—

“She’s in the produce section and freaking out. Perfuma’s with her, but she needs you.”

Catra was up and moving past Scorpia before she could say anything else, leaving her phone and music and work behind.

She saw Perfuma first, kneeling near the cabbage display and loud heaving breaths coming from in front of her. Adora sat against the wall—her whole body curled around itself, fingers pulling at her hair so hard her ponytail was ruined.

Catra stood frozen watching for a second. Panic attacks were nothing new to her. She knew all the symptoms and helpers. It’s was just that usually she was the one having them.

Without another thought, Catra crouched beside Perfuma. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. She just ran and hid here. If we don’t get her to calm down, she’s going to pass out.”

Catra nodded, moved to fill the spot Perfuma left and let Adora become her entire focus.

“Hey Adora, can you hear me?”

But Adora’s eyes looked right through her. Her breathing came in short rapid gasps. She was coming untethered, spiraling towards a void of unconsciousness. How many times had Catra done the same in the darkness of the closet where nothing felt real enough to help push back at the fear? So Catra reached forward and pressed her hands against Adora’s shoulders.

“Adora. Look at me.”

Blue eyes locked onto her, still trembling and wide with terror. Progress at least.

“Good. Good. Now I need you to breathe. In and out. Just like I’m doing, okay? In and out.” Catra breathed loud, showing Adora what to do. Just as her therapist had taught her. It was far better than the methods Catra had used to stop the panic before. She never wanted to see scars on Adora’s arms and palms like Catra had.

Adora tried to breath in time with her, but any attempts to take a deep only came with stuttering and empty.

“I c-can’t,” Adora gasped. “They’re… going to see.”

“Who?”

Adora couldn’t get enough air to answer, so Catra changed tactics.

“Perfuma I need you to help me get her to the office.”

Adora tried to pull away from her but Catra held on tight. “Hey it’s okay look—” she used her hands on Adora’s shoulder to pull the hood of her red rain jacket over her head so it hung low over her face—“No one is going to see you. And in the office, you’ll be safe.”

That seemed to get through to her enough that she slowly nodded. When Catra moved to pull her up to her feet, she didn’t fight. Catra wrapped an arm around Adora’s waist and Perfuma did the same from the other side.

They took the shortest route, sticking to the edges of the store and whenever they heard the voices of customers they moved faster to avoid them. At the office, Catra opened the door and pulled Adora inside. Perfuma didn’t follow.

“I’ll let you handle this. If you need me call me alright?”

With a nod, Catra was left alone in the dark room with Adora. She maneuvered them both, so they were sitting on the floor.

“We’re all safe now. No one can see you. You’re safe,” she whispered as she hugged Adora tight. “Just breathe with me.”

And this time Adora did. At first her breath hitched and caught with every inhale and exhale, but with Catra pressed against her back so their chests began to rise and fall in time together. Catra tried not to think about how familiar this all was to that night—this time with Catra holding Adora instead of the other way around. No one had ever comforted her like that before. Despite everything else going on between them, all Catra wanted to do was make Adora feel just as cared for.

Catra rubbed her fingers in slow soft patterns across the fabric of Adora’s shirt on her arms and stomach, letting her nails just ever so faintly trace and scratch. Adora signed and sagged against her, head lolling from her own navel to Catra’s shoulder.

“Adora? You okay?”

She tensed as if she was just now realizing who was holding her. Catra tried not to let that sting. Adora didn’t move away at least.

“Yeah I think so…” Her voice almost too coarse to make out at first, but then she cleared her throat and continued quietly, “I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m sorry—”

“Hey don’t apologize.” Catra couldn’t help squeezing her a little tighter. “I’ve had my own share of panic attacks. It’s not something you should feel bad about.”

“Still I’m sorry. I’m sure this wasn’t how you thought your workday would go.”

It really wasn’t. Catra planned on talking to a total of zero people and then going home to hide in her room. But she couldn’t say she was very upset that she didn’t get that. Despite the bad context of it all, Catra couldn’t be irritated when Adora was this close—muscled back and arms moving against her, hearing the heavy beat of Adora’s heart or the air flowing past her lips, blonde hair brushing her own nose and cheek smelling of coconut shampoo.

But all good things come to an end. Adora couldn’t stay there forever, and Catra needed to prepare. She loosened her arms enough that she could turn Adora so they faced on each other, and pulled the hood from off her head.

“Adora what happened? Who did you not want to see you?”

Adora stiffened again, the panic returning to her eyes. Catra mentally chided herself—of course she was making things worse.

“You don’t have to tell me everything,” Catra continued, “I just need to know enough to make sure you’re safe. I don’t want this to happen to you again.”

Some of the panic slipped away, but Adora still sat rigid beside her.

“In the store there are…” Adora gulped and tried to breathe evenly, “two people that I knew. In Seattle.”

“Oh.” The implications of that all dawned on Catra at once. She thought back to their conversation in the dark and comfort of her bed. Being in Seattle with the people she had run from left Adora sleepless and afraid, and now those people had invaded the place she thought she was safe. Looking at Adora now—really looking at her without the immediate need to keep her from passing out—Catra could see just how exhausted she still looked. Heavy bags hung under her eyes and her skin was pale as if she hadn’t been eating or sleeping.

Something in Catra’s chest twinged. This damage didn’t come from just a panic attack. It came from Catra. She was hurting her still.

But she could only work to fix one thing at a time.

“Did they chase you?”

“N-no. I don’t actually think they saw me. Just the idea of having to face them after…”

Catra bit her tongue. She wanted to tell her that none of it mattered. It didn’t matter whatever she’d done. It didn’t matter what these people thought. Adora was probably the kindest, most selfless person on earth and if they thought otherwise, they were just assholes. They were assholes anyway for letting Adora feel like this. Adora deserved to have people who cared about her and didn’t expect her to be perfect. Someone who loved—

She shut that thought down fast. Catra was trying to get over these feelings, not make them worse. She needed to focus on helping Adora. It seems she was in desperate need of a break.

“Do you want to go somewhere?”

Adora scrunched her face up in confusion. “What?”

“I have another spot that I’d go to when I needed to destress beside the lighthouse.” Catra pressed one finger onto Adora’s forehead. “And you desperately need to destress, princess.”

Finally smiling at least a little, Adora smacked her hand away. “I don’t know. I was going to do some more… construction. I just came to…” Her hands started to fidget in her lap, twisting and flapping in gestures as she spoke, “Get some fruit because you know I eat a lot of fruit. Smoothies all the time. And you know how that stuff goes bad if you don’t…”

Catra reached out and fit her hands into Adora’s—slowly so she could pull away if she wanted—and her rambling faded to silence. “You can do all of that later.” Catra’s voice got serious now. “You need to take a break, Adora.”

She sighed but nodded. “Let me just text Scorpia and let her know.” She pulled out her phone but froze when she saw Catra’s confused expression. “She was um, going to give me some advice on smoothie making. You know. How to make them extra good. Got to get those gains.”

Catra chuckled. That was weird. She didn’t know that Scorpia and Adora talked, let alone met up for chats. But she shrugged it off and grabbed her own phone. She texted Perfuma and waited to get the que that the path from the office to the entrance was clear of any and all patrons.

They walked together—Adora hunched and hiding her face in her hood—and they made it outside without anyone stopping them. Adora’s bike was locked up alongside the building.

“I have to finish up with what I was doing really quick,” Catra said. “Do you think you could meet me at Scorpia and Perfuma’s house?”

With a nod and a smile, Adora biked off into the cool, but sunny morning, and Catra returned to her office. Scorpia and Perfuma tried to ask what happened, but she kept it vague and let them know that she was going out for the rest of the workday. They seemed confused but got the message that Catra wasn’t going to spill.

She finished her work and after buying a few things for their outing, started up her motorcycle and headed off to the house. Hoping that—just for once—her plan wouldn’t end in total disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've finally arrived. The next chapter will start the big event I've been building to forever. I have it about a third of the way written already so even though my next week or so is stuffed full of so many homework due dates you shouldn't have to wait too long for an update. Hopefully.   
> So what do you think is going to happen? How are you feeling after all that angst? Any guess about how Mermista and Seahawk are connected to this all? Feel free to come yell at me about it on tumblr 
> 
> Regularly updated fic playlist--> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=ot69fOT2TJa3JcVtFmFtgw


	11. Battleships Will Sink Beneath the Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora and Catra's POV
> 
> My Tears Ricochet-- Taylor Swift  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/1DnpjwTbSwV2V6O4PABMjW
> 
> cw: abuse, suicidal thoughts. just pay attention to the tags (let me know if I should add anything)

_And I can go anywhere I want_

_Anywhere I want_

_Just not home_

_I didn't have it in myself to go with grace_

_And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves…_

_And you're cursing my name_

_Wishing I stayed_

_Look at how my tears ricochet_

When Catra finally arrived at Perfuma and Scorpia’s house, Adora was waiting for her. Catra waved her over and offered her helmet before letting her hop on behind her.

Adora wrapped her arms around her waist—it had only been a few days, but gods did Adora miss that feeling. She leaned into it for a moment, letting herself sag into the warmth of Catra’s back. But she had to snap herself out of it and focused on the hum of the bike beneath her to keep her mind from wandering back to those feelings. She didn’t know what was going on or how fragile things were—now was not the time.

“So where are you taking me?” Adora asked, hoping for at least a hint at Catra’s intentions for long term and short.

Catra turned and pulled up the face shield of her helmet to give her a smirk. No seriousness in sight.

“You’re going to just have to wait and see. It’s a surprise.”

“Alright. As long as you don’t take me out to the middle of nowhere to murder me,” she huffed and gripped onto Catra tighter. “Let’s go.”

She dropped her face shield, revved the engine, and took off down the road.

It was another warm sunny day. The wind blew hard, pulling at the heavy, dark clouds that hung near the horizon. Adora really couldn’t care though. The mixture of the warm sun and cold fall wind and Catra’s laugh when they took a turn near the sea and ocean spray flew up into Adora’s face, was all she could care about.

There were things she should be concerned with. Why the sudden change with Catra? Were things back to normal? Had Catra forgiven her? Adora’s thought moved too lethargically to make any sense of it. All she could do was hold on tight and hope answers came eventually.

Instead of going North towards the lighthouse they headed South though still along the coast. A longer drive than to the lighthouse too. Catra pulled off the highway at a scenic viewpoint. They hopped off the bike, and Adora moved right up to the railing overlooking the dark cliffs and waves below. Catra collected her bag of things from the trunk of the bike then joined her.

Adora leaned over the bars to get a better look and then turned back to her. “Is this it?”

“Not quite,” Catra said as she stepped over the railing.

Adora joined her on the other side. Catra seemed comfortable, so Adora didn’t bother with holding onto the railing. Up closer now she could see the cliff wasn’t sheer beneath them. It was just sloped enough that someone could climb it without too much difficulty. “What are you getting me into Catra?”

Catra cocked an eyebrow. “Trust me, princess. It’s going to be good.” And with that she stepped over the edge of the cliff.

The incline was steep so Adora had to use her hands to grip onto the cliff wall as she followed Catra—who on the other hand seemed to have the trail memorized and climbed down with ease. She threw a glance behind her every once in a while to check on Adora and laugh at her clumsy feet. 

“How much farth—” Adora started to ask, but the rest of the word flew away when her boot slipped on the wet rocks.

Catra hand shot out and grabbed hold of Adora’s arm, stabilizing her. “Watch where you’re stepping, dummy. I don’t want this day to end with a hospital trip.” The words had bite, but Adora could tell it wasn’t really from anger. Her eyes were wide, and shoulders tensed. Must be nervous though Adora didn’t know what the cause was.

Adora gave her a sheepish shrug. “Sorry.”

Catra rolled her eyes and continued to climb. Thankfully she kept the teasing to a minimum after that—Adora needed to keep all her attention on not falling down the cliff.

When they reached the thin strip of beach at the bottom, they skirted around the edge of the tall cliff until they were out of sight of the overlook and highway. And around the corner was the cave.

Cut into the black rock by the wind and waves, it formed a small alcove with its own little patch of beach and wide view of the sky and waves rolling towards it.

Adora’s jaw fell open as she ran inside and looked up at the dark cavern. If she jumped, she wouldn’t have been able to touch the ceiling. It was maybe ten or twelve feet tall and about the same width. “How did you find this place?”

Catra shrugged. “Too many people knew that I would run off to the lighthouse, and sometimes I needed to go where no one could find me. So I looked until I found this place.”

Adora stepped up to the wall and ran her hands over the black stone wall. Bright green moss clung onto the ridges as if it was painted in long brushstrokes. And where the moss was missing, barnacles and old oyster shells clung to the rocks.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed.

Catra came up beside her and pressed her own hand to the damp moss. Her normally lithe movements were rigid with tension. “Yeah, it is. I couldn’t come here very often, but I always wanted too. I’ve never brought anyone else. Not even Scorpia or Entrapta.”

Her eyes flashed back over to Catra, but she wouldn’t look at her. She was close enough though to see the blush dust Catra’s cheeks. Adora felt her own expression soften. Why would Catra bring her here? Was it only because the panic attack or was there some other reason Adora was missing?

Catra suddenly pulled away and cleared her throat. “Well. I uh brought some food. We can eat if you’re hungry?”

“You know me. I’m always hungry.”

The tension in Catra’s shoulders fell away, and she smiled back at Adora. She sat down in the sand at the mouth of the cave and pulled her bag from off her shoulders. Unzipping it, she grabbed out two premade sandwiches from Scorpia’s store.

Adora sat down beside her and took the offered sandwich. She bit into it and let her eyes flutter when she tasted it.

“How did you know BLTs are my favorite?”

“Because every sandwich is your favorite,” Catra laughed, and Adora bumped into her with her shoulder. Catra pushed her face away cackling only to squeal as Adora grabbed a handful of sand and threatened to throw it into her hair and face. “Okay, okay. Put the sand down, princess. No need to get violent. You talk about food all the time, it’s not hard to know what you like.”

“Oh uh, I guess that makes sense. I didn’t know you’d noticed or remembered or—“ Adora shoved another huge bite into her mouth to keep herself from rambling off and saying something dumb.

They continued to eat their sandwiches, joking around and clearly sidestepping any conversation about Seattle or the days since or what happened in the store. It was just nice to sit in the cool fine sand and feel the sea breeze with its briny salty smell fill her nose. Adora switched between looking out at the calm waves to the freckles on Catra’s face or the splashes of color in her heterochromatic eyes. And when something she said made Catra laugh her squeaky laugh, Adora let the sound fill up all the empty spaces the panic and isolation had left. She knew she had missed Catra, but she hadn’t realized just how good it felt to be around her.

Almost too good. Something bigger squirmed in her chest and forced her eyes away from Catra to try and get a grip on it. She really _really_ didn’t want to ruin this moment.

A pile of rocks that must have fallen from the cliff above sat just outside the cave wall. Adora’s eyes ran over it to keep herself from staring at Catra’s lips (which somehow looked even more pretty when she smiled though Adora wasn’t sure how it was even possible), something caught her eye.

She stood and brushed the sand from her jeans. Walking over, she started to dig into the rocks and stones.

“What are you doing?” Catra asked.

Adora pulled her treasure from the pile and held it into the air with triumph. “Look.” She moved back over to Catra and held the stone in the palm of her hand for Catra to see. “It almost perfectly matches the color of your eyes. Well I mean one of them. It’s all blue, but it has the streaks and lighter bits just like your eye does.”

Catra just stared, long and hard at the rock.

After a few moments, Adora's eyes widened, recognizing how weird that might have sounded. Did friends normally pay that close attention to each other’s eyes? “Oh I’m sorry. I’ll just um put it back… over there.”

She started to close her fist around it and pull away, but Catra hand flashed out to catch her wrist. “Wait, dummy. I was just… looking. It’s nice.”

“Yeah?”

Catra nodded slowly as she let her hand fall. “You’re good at that. Finding the pretty stuff.”

“Well you can have it.” Adora pushed the rock into her hand. “I’ll find you more,” she said as she pulled the boots from her feet and tossed them into the sand.

“Oh,” Catra chuckled a little. “You’re going to do that right now.”

Adora rolled up her jeans and scurried off to the edge of the surf, searched through the sand for a shell or even a gold stone to match the blue one. The waves splashed up into her face and onto her clothes, but Adora didn’t care. She looked up to Catra still just inside the cave. “You know I actually have a pile of this stuff to give you back at home. I’ve been meaning to um—well you know, get them to you.”

She looked back at the sand and water before she could put her foot in her mouth even more. When she pulled her gaze up again, Catra had gotten up and moved to the edge of the water. Hopefully that meant Adora hadn’t said anything bad enough to mess it everything up yet.

Adora beckoned for her to join. “Come in and look with me.”

Catra wrapped her arms around herself but didn’t step forward. “You’re much better at it than I am. I think I’ll leave it to you.”

“It’s not _that_ cold, Catra. Trust me.”

With the wind and waves, Adora saw more than heard all the air in Catra’s lungs expel at once as she pulled her arms tighter against her chest. That was enough to get Adora out of the water and back to Catra’s side.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—are you okay? You don’t have to. I was just being dumb—”

Catra reached out and grabbed Adora’s arm, squeezing it a little to silence her. But she kept her eyes on the waves.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I _do_ trust you. I just…” She took a long breath, and finally looked at Adora. “I’m afraid of the water.”

Her mouth must have looked like a perfect circle because Catra laughed at her a little though it sounded more nervous than anything.

“But you make the walk up to the lighthouse all the time through the water?”

“Only when it’s like below my ankles,” Catra huffed. “And it’s not like I have any other option. There isn’t a bridge or anything.”

Adora nodded, but she was still confused. “Why tell me this now?”

Catra’s own eyebrows flew upward as if she hadn’t really thought it all through herself. She plopped down into the sand with a grunt and pressed her hands into her face. “I don’t know. I’m sorry I’m being… weird.”

“It’s okay, I’m weird all the time. I don’t know how you stand being around me,” Adora said as she sat down next to her.

Catra laughed and then groaned into her palms. “Stop make me laugh, dummy. I’m trying to be serious here.”

“Fine fine, I’ll try. But I don’t know if I could ever really contain this much weird funniness.”

Throwing her head back, Catra cackled, and Adora couldn’t help but join in.

They laughed until Catra wiped tears from her eyes, and they both sucked in long breaths to calm themselves down.

Finally Catra spoke again. “I meant what I said. I do trust you. You trusted me in the store and to bring you out here even though I’ve been an asshole lately, so I guess I just realized that you deserve the same.”

Adora felt her heart start to thunder. She had no idea where this all was going. “O-okay. It’s really okay that you don’t like the water. It’s not a necessity or anything.”

“I know. I know.” Catra let her hands fall and she looked out at the ocean again. “I just haven’t told almost anyone. I’ve never been a big fan of the water, but… something happened, and I guess I’ve just never been able to get over it. Now I’m like this.”

Adora tried to keep from reacting. That morning she had thought that Catra never wanted to talk to her ever again, and now she was sharing secrets she’d kept from everyone. She didn’t want to push, but she also didn’t want to shut the conversation down if Catra needed this.

“You don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it I can just listen.”

Catra stayed quiet, and Adora tried not to let that hurt.

But then she cleared her throat a little. “It’s not a big deal. You know that Weaver—my mother—was super shitty. One time we were out on a big boat with some of her big wig friends before she became a completely useless drunk. I don’t remember it very well, but I think I broke some glasses or something and she got pissed. So she dropped me into a life boat and sent me off to row back to shore. The sea was pretty rough that night, and I ended up getting tossed out. Some fisherman found me the next morning half drowned on the beach.”

Adora reeled. Anger and fear and sadness and that unnamable feeling all rolling around inside her, fighting to be the first to come out of her mouth. It had been quiet for too long, so she paused the battle and asked, “How old were you?”

Catra still wouldn’t look at her. “Ten.”

Adora felt like she’d been kicked in the gut. She’d had a bad childhood too, but not like that. She wanted to wrap her arms around Catra. Promise her things like she’d never let anyone do that to her again and she’s safe with her always, but that would be crossing a boundary Adora didn’t think she could uncross. So she opted for the trick that almost always worked with Catra: making her laugh.

“I think your mom probably won the worst mom of the year award that year.”

Catra side eyed her, but chuckled. “Oh she won it every single year.” She let out a long sigh. “Thanks for not being weird about this. I have a lot of shit to work through about her, but I have to do it my own way at my own pace you know?”

Adora nodded though her thoughts pulled to the other ‘things’ Catra was working through. Adora’s stomach felt like she’d eaten a brick instead of a sandwich. She really needed to text Scorpia.

But she didn’t let that anxiety show. “Yeah, I get that. And I’ll be here to help whenever you need me, This trip was meant to be relaxing for you too though, so let’s not worry about getting over any fears right now okay?” Catra nodded, so she continued, “What if we… build a sandcastle instead?”

Catra finally smiled again. “Sounds good, princess.”

They moved farther up the beach and started to build. Adora scooped up big piles of sand while Catra shaped and designed the castle walls. When she had enough sand for Catra to work with, Adora paused for a second to pull out her phone under the guise of checking the time.

She almost swore out loud. No service. But she took a long breath and pushed away the worried thoughts. After turning up the sound just in case she caught some service and Scorpia texted her, Adora put the phone away. She could talk to Scorpia when they got back. Nothing bad would happen if she didn’t talk to Scorpia right away. Adora just wanted to spend time with Catra, be happy with Catra.

At least for a moment.

* * *

Catra put a little piece of driftwood on the top of the castle tower with a flourish. “And wala. The perfect sandcastle.”

Adora leaned back and gave the creation an up and down. “It’s a little crooked don’t you think?”

“Well so is the Tower of Pisa, but I don’t hear anyone complaining.” Adora rolled her eyes, so Catra leaned over to shove her. “Don’t give me shit, we didn’t have any buckets or anything to shape it.”

She still didn’t look convinced.

“Well if you don’t like it then you fix it,” Catra said. 

Adora waved her hands in surrender. “I’m the muscle here not the architect. That’s your thing.”

“I think you’ve got more going for you than just your muscles.”

“Yeah?”

“Well I mean I think muscles are like ninety percent of your personality.” She barely could finish the sentence with how she wheezed with laughter.

Adora tossed some sand at her, but that only made Catra laugh harder.

“Okay smartass what’s the other ten percent then? What else should I pitch into our grand sandcastle project?”

She looked around trying to decide where she was going with this-- as if she had any idea where she was going with this whole trip with Adora. It all was just a crazy mess of her own impulses, stupidity, and emotions. She could only pretend she knew what she was doing at least for Adora’s sake. 

“I don’t know you’ve got your writing stuff going on.” She spotted a little weird piece of stone. “Here!” She snatched it up and pushed it onto the tower. “That’s the princess of the castle. Make a story for her. Oh and give it a happy ending.”

“Okay okay.” Adora rubbed at her face for a second thinking. “So the princess lives in the tower all alone. She has for years and years. Legends of her have spread across the land for years.” As she spoke Catra couldn’t help but wonder at the way Adora’s eyes grew distant as she stared at the sand sculpture. Almost glowing as she started to get lost in the story. It made something in Catra’s heart ache. “A pretty princess locked away in her castle that sits on the edge of a cliff on a tall mountain. Far away from the rest of the world, in a place that no one has been able to get to all the time she has been there.”

No matter how entranced she was, Catra couldn’t help interrupting. “Does a prince charming come to rescue her?”

Adora’s focus broke and she looked up at her with an amused glare. “No of course not. What are you an amateur? And you call Shrek 2 your favorite movie ever. Prince Charming’s a douche.”

Catra barked out a loud laugh.- “Okay, you got me there. So what happens then?”

“A lady knight goes to find her.” Adora shrugged.

All the gusto went out of Catra all at once. “Lady?” Had Adora figured it out? Was this her way of saying it? Was this just Catra reading into a stupid story Adora was making up on the spot? Probably.

Her face grew red. “Yeah, I’m going for the whole diverse characters thing. Every story can’t be about straight white people, right?”

Catra nodded and did her best not to feel disappointed. Adora didn’t need to come out to her. She might not even be gay, and Catra’s guess had been wrong the whole time. And even if she was gay, it didn’t matter because she would never like Catra. Especially not after ghosting her for days without any explanation and then all of a sudden acting like nothing ever happened. Shit, she was a mess.

Realizing too long had gone by in silence, Catra scrambled for something else to say. “Well is she hot?”

Now Adora laughed. “Are you going to keep interrupting me?”

“Yup,” and Catra popped the ‘p’.

Rolling her eyes Adora started her story again, “Okay so the _hot_ lady knight searched all the lands for the renowned tower. She fought the most gruesome monsters and evil witches and wicked townsfolk and a douche prince.”

“And kicked him in the dick.”

“Sure Catra, she kicked him in the dick. That’s a real highlight of the story,” Adora said sarcastically but her grin was too big to be anything but amused. “She fought and defeated anyone who tried to stop her. And though the quest was long and grueling and she was more than exhausted by the end, eventually she found the tower.”

“And then let me guess she frees the princess and they ride off into the sunset?”

“No.” Adora’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment as she thought. “I think they stay. The princess had been so lonely all by herself in the tower sometimes she felt like tossing herself over the edge, but really the castle wasn’t so bad. She hadn’t been trapped there really. It’s just the world was full of so many scary things, and she just wanted peace and safety. The castle had beautiful views and was quiet and there was a quaint little village nearby they could visit. So in the end, they stayed there. Together.”

A sharp tug in her chest set off the warning alarms in Catra’s head. _She_ wanted that. Oh she wanted all of that so fucking bad. But only if it was with Adora. Did Adora want that? With Catra? That couldn’t be right. But there were so many parallels to their lives in the story. Could it just be a coincidence? The ‘what does it all mean?’ meme repeated over and over again in her head.

“H-how’d you think of that ending?” Catra finally managed to ask.

Suddenly Adora wouldn’t look at her, keeping her eyes on the dark clouds rolling in instead of Catra. “I don’t know. I guess because I’ve been spending a lot of time up at the top of the lighthouse the last few days.”

She shouldn’t push it. She really shouldn’t because she could guess so many reasons why, but Catra couldn’t help herself. “Why?”

“I like the wind. It reminds me of—I just like it. Being up there I guess just helps drown out my thoughts a little bit. Puts everything in perspective. The ocean and sky are so big, and I’m so little and disconnected I could just fall away into nothingness. Just disappear” She took a sharp breath, but still wouldn’t look at her. “I’m really sorry Catra. I… missed you a lot.”

Catra gasped hard. The words blindsided her. Ripped through whatever walls and protections she wore around her heart like they were thin as paper. Leaving it open and aching and yearning for more while searching for anyway to hide it all back inside again.

When she came back to herself she saw Adora watching her with wide terrified eyes quivering lips. Was that about the apology or the ghosting or something else entirely that Catra had missed? She scrambled for the right response. She couldn’t mess everything up anymore—she’d done it enough—but she couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.

“I uh… missed you too, Adora,” Catra finally settled on saying.

It must have been the right thing to say because the fear began to slip away from Adora’s face.

“Really? I thought—” Adora worried at her lip for a moment. “I don’t want to mess up again. I don’t want us to stop talking and being… with you again. I’ll work hard to fix it. If that’s okay?”

Catra’s vulnerable heart might as well have been in Adora’s palm—every word giving it a squeeze. She wasn’t sure what it all meant, but she couldn’t focus enough to figure it out. And if she kept saying things like that then just maybe it was okay to let that feeling burning in her chest stay instead of trying to snuff it out.

“Yeah… I mean yes. It’s okay. I want that too. A lot”

“Yeah?” Adora moved to sit closer, and Catra shifted with her—their shoulders touching and hands brushing where they braced themselves in the sand.

“Yes, princess. You hearing okay?” When she inhaled, it was Adora’s minty breath she breathed in. “Are you brain damaged?”

Adora chuckled but didn’t answer. Catra wasn’t sure which one of them moved in closer—maybe it was both of them—but soon they were only inches apart. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of her lips, pink and chapped. But she couldn’t bridge the gap. Couldn’t make the last push when she wasn’t sure this was what Adora wanted, when so much was at stake.

Catra shuddered a breath and looked up to see that Adora had let her eyes close. And she leaned in closer and closer and—

A loud sound rang, and they both jerked apart.

Adora frantically pulled her phone from her pocket, but instead of answering the call, she started at the screen. Catra was still close enough to see the name.

“Glimmer? That’s one of your friends from Seattle, right?”

She mumbled a “yes,” but still didn’t move.

“If she’s calling you then maybe she wants to clear things up. You should answer.”

But Adora rejected the call. “You don’t understand, Catra.” Her jaw was set, all that open tenderness gone. Their moment was long gone.

“Then help me understand.” Catra tried to keep her anger from rising. She really did. But she never was good at keeping herself from lashing out after a rejection like that. “Because to me it looks like you are just hiding instead of facing the fucking problem.”

Adora’s eyes flared. “You’re one to talk about hiding. What was up with the last few days, huh? Couldn’t bear to tell me how much you couldn’t stand me so instead you just drop off the face of the earth? Or what about all the things you keep from me?”

Any control she had died away in the growing heat. Catra shook with anger. Where did Adora get off? How could she think--? Why?

She opened her mouth to retort, but in the distance a thunderclap rumbled. Looking up, she saw how the dark clouds now hung low and heavy in the skies above them. Rain started to dribble down around them.

Catra looked down at her lap, clenching her fists and trying to slow her heaving breaths. “I think it’s time for us to leave.”

Adora stood quickly. “Fine. Let’s go.”

They made the climb and the drive in silence, only the rain and thunder to drown out the pounding of blood in Catra’s ears.

When they pulled up at Scorpia and Perfuma’s house, Scorpia was putting her lawn tools back into the garage. She closed it and waved at them. “Oh you’re back. How did it go?”

Catra marched past to the door, but Adora stayed behind.

She heard Scorpia ask Adora, “Did you talk to her about the thing?”

Catra froze with her hand on the handle. “What thing?”

“Nothing!” Scorpia squeaked, but when Catra turned around she saw Adora watched with wide eyes, but her jaw still set in anger.

“What thing, Adora?” Catra asked again.

Scorpia slid past her into the garage. “I’m just going to…” She disappeared leaving, Adora and Catra still standing in the rain.

“What. Thing?”

“We were going to do some work on your mother’s house,” Adora grumbled. “As a surprise.”

“You what?” Catra growled.

Adora’s fist clenched at her side. “I was trying to help you since you wouldn’t let me do anything else.”

With every word a different voice echoed it.

_Worthless. Can’t do anything. Only a burden. That’s what Adora is really saying._

_I was right all along._

“Oh fuck you. It’s my business Mo—Adora.” Catra jabbed her finger against Adora’s forehead. “I don’t need you sticking your big head into it.”

Adora smacked her hand away. “I was trying to fix things.”

“I don’t _need_ you to fix things!”

“I think you do. You need help!” Adora finally shouted back at her. “You haven’t gotten anything done and you’ve been here for months.”

Weaver’s voice grew louder in her head. Repeating everything Adora said. Louder and harsher and all consuming. Catra gripped at the side of her head, digging her nail in hard. It needed to stop. It had to stop, or she’d rip herself to shreds.

“Catra?” Adora’s hand touched her shoulder.

But Catra pushed her away. “I don’t need you!”

Adora lips quivered, but Catra wasn’t done. She couldn’t stop herself. This is where it all ends. She knew it would come. It was always inevitable that they’d break. Might as well get it over with now. Lash out and destroy it all before they could get any farther and Catra’s heart could be left anymore bare and throbbing. 

Adora will never want her and Catra will never deserve her.

“And how could I ever rely on you,” she continued. “You left your friends to hide out here and even though they are trying to reach out to probably kiss and make up. So what’s to stop you from leaving me huh, princess?”

“Catra—”

She cut her off before she could give some fake apology.

“You can just stop pretending to care or trying to help. There is _nothing_ you can do to fix this, to fix me. I’m better off without you!”

Catra turned away. She didn’t want to see Adora’s face—whether there was heartbreak or relief. Only the rain and Catra’s panting filled the silence.

Until she heard a quiet whimper, only just loud enough for her to catch between thunder claps. When she looked up, Catra stumbled back a little. Tears gathered in the corners of Adora’s eyes only just held back by the teeth biting into her lip and sheer will. Adora had never looked like that before-- not at the store, not during their trip, not even when Catra first met her alone in the lighthouse. Adora didn’t cry. At least not in front of others. 

It almost made her anger break-- bring her to her knees with apologies spewing for everything she’d done until all the pain on Adora’s face was gone.

But Catra made herself turn away again. Ripped the bandaid off. Catra would only continue to hurt because that’s just who she was until Adora finally got sick of her and left. No one would ever stay. 

“I’m sorry.” Adora’s voice shook. “I won’t bother you again. I’ll just… disappear. You won’t have to deal with me ever again.”

Catra heard sneakers slap against the wet concrete and the clanking of a bike. Catra turned, and saw only a flash of red as Adora rode off into the storm. It was better that way—no temptation to call her back, to try and pull back all the vicious biting words that spewed from her. She wouldn’t be able to resist at least trying. 

This was good, Catra tried to convince herself. She should stay as far away as she could from Catra. Save herself from any more hurt. And all the anger that still racked through her.

She opened the house door and stepped inside. Scorpia and Perfuma stood in the hall waiting.

“What the hell Scorpia?”

“I’m sorry."

“I bet you think you’re so much better than me. Got your life all figured out so you have to help poor pitiful Catra. Well jokes on you. I’ve had to take care of myself ever since I was two years old. I don’t need you or Adora’s help. You’re both assholes!”

“Hey don’t talk to her—” Perfuma started to lunge at her, but Scorpia held her back.

“Catra, I know I made a mistake,” Scorpia said. “But you need to calm down and control yourself. You’re acting like you did before. Like a bad friend.”

The words were like a bucket of water tossed onto all the heat of her anger. Still, she couldn’t stop now. It was all too late.

“Whatever. I don’t need you. I’m fine on my own.”

She stepped out the door before either of them could stop her. Back in the rain again, she let out a scream of frustration. She didn’t need them. Or Adora. Or anyone. She had her own house—even if she couldn’t stand going inside. The porch worked as well enough bed for her plenty of nights as a teenager, it wouldn't be any different now. 

She _did not_ need any of them.

But she really needed a hit.

Catra jumped onto her bike. That’s where she’d go. Octavia had to be in one of her usual haunts. And then Catra could numb out all these feelings thrashing around inside of her.

As she reached for her helmet, she heard the door open.

“Don’t do this Catra,” Perfuma shouted.

“Do what? Leave the company of all my so very loyal friends,” Catra spat back.

“You know that they only did that because they love you.” Perfuma stepped closer and put her hands on her handlebars.

“Lying and hiding is shit way of showing it.”

Perfuma scoffed. “You aren’t perfect either, but we gave you a second chance. Entrapta and Scorpia did. Because they love you. So don’t throw all of that way and go back to what you were before. Violence and anger and drugs.”

Catra flinched at the last word.

“Yeah, you’re not hard to read, Catra. Don’t start this all again. Not after everything they did to help you out of that hole. And all the hard work you did for yourself.”

She didn’t respond. Just let the words and the rain soak in.

“Look.” Perfuma grabbed her hand, and Catra’s eyes latched onto hers. “I don’t know all that happened with Weaver, but I do know that she was wrong. You’re more than a mess up and you don’t have to be what you were. You can be happy and trusting and vulnerable because there are people that love you even if they make mistakes just like you do. And if you can’t manage believing that for yourself then at least try for your friends. For Adora. She doesn’t have anyone else but you.”

Catra snatched her hand away. “I need to think.”

Perfuma shoulders sagged, but she backed away and let Catra start the engine of her bike. She stood in the downpour and watched as Catra peeled out onto the street and drove away.

Her thoughts rolled faster than her tires. Round and round, too many voices she couldn’t hear the engine.

_Worthless._

_Trying to help._

_Bad friend._

_Don’t do this._

They all left her wanting to scream.

She rode past an alley—even saw movement in the darkness—but she didn’t stop. Perfuma had pulled out all the drive inside her and left only cold logic to take its place.

No matter how much she craved a hit, she knew she didn’t want that. Didn’t want the high when she knew all too well the crash could make anyone crazy. Her therapist would say just as much. But that meant she was left with this hellish mixture of aching feelings.

Perfuma wasn’t wrong. Scorpia and Adora only meant to help. They were too much of what Catra wasn’t—kind and selfless—for them to mean anything else. Still, they crossed a boundary.

But that didn’t mean they deserved Catra’s reaction. She didn’t want to hurt all the people who cared about her like she had before.

Oh fuck. Catra felt like smacking her head against a wall. She’d acted so horrible to Adora.

Now Adora’s stuck all alone in the lighthouse in the middle of the pouring rain and thunder. Just like the princess in the story.

Catra slowed her bike in the middle of the street.

Just like the princess that was so lonely she thought about tossing herself from her tower.

To just… disappear.

Revving the engine, Catra’s bike roared down the road through the storm towards the lighthouse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Don't send a mob after me though! Things will get better in the next chapter I promise. Feel free to shout out your feelings though here or on tumblr
> 
> There is an intermission song for this piece since we are now at the midpoint of the story ---  
> The Storm by Hauschka  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/4CftdNBBu8wbsO1SN3jq5Q?si=5njIk3NsRsejztGPdeIISw
> 
> Fic Playlist-- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=6W0fW6e5QWWZ3tQaZJcCFQ


	12. Looking Out For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> Intermission song: The Storm-- Hauschka  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/4CftdNBBu8wbsO1SN3jq5Q?si=5njIk3NsRsejztGPdeIISw
> 
> Looking Out-- Brandi Carlile  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/66xeIWkXo4u4UINbVpbXML

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to describe to you how excited I am to post this chapter. I have been planning and thinking and daydreaming about this chapter ever since I started writing this piece. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have!

_ I know the darkness falls on you. _

_ And it's just a point of view _

_ When you're outside looking in, you belong to someone _

_ and when you feel like giving in and the coming of the end, _

_ Like your heart can break in two, someone loves you. _

__

_ I am afraid of crossing lines. _

_ I am afraid of flying blind. _

_ Afraid of inquiring minds. _

_ Afraid of being left behind. _

__

_ I got a new interpretation and it's a better point of view… _

_ I was looking out for you, someone's looking out for you _

As it got darker the temperature dropped. All the warmth and light from the day was gone. Catra shook atop her bike, but she wasn’t sure whether it was from cold or fear. She accelerated despite the low visibility and wet roads. Thankfully no one else was driving in this storm. No one else was even out.

But Adora would be.

Catra pushed her bike to go even faster.

When she arrived at the lighthouse, she didn’t bother hiding her bike in the bushes like she always did. There were no lights on inside, leaving only a faint outline of the lighthouse visible against the stormy night sky.

Catra ran forwards, almost falling onto her face when her foot caught on something. She stumbled but regained her balance. A flash of lightning illuminated the metal frame of the bike on the rocks.

“Adora!” Catra shouted, searching for any other sign of her. But there was nothing.

Adora must have abandoned it—the tide too high across the gap between the road and lighthouse to carry it over. Catra stepped closer to the dark frothy water. It probably would come up to her waist in the middle of the crossing, but tall swells swept across maybe even above her head. Could Adora even make it across that? 

Catra looked up at the lighthouse again. Adora had to have made it. She was strong. The water didn’t scare her. But Catra still couldn’t see any movement.

Another bolt of lightning lit the sky, silhouetting the tower.

And the tall figure clinging to the broken railing at the top.

“Adora!” She screamed, but the wind carried away her voice, and Adora’s shadow figure did not move.

Maybe that was better anyway. Adora was too close to the edge. One step forward and she’d be tumbling out into the open air. Down and down until— She should  _ not _ be up there. Not in a storm like this. Not after the things she’d said. If Catra didn’t get to her soon…

She looked down at the water again. Her vision blurred, and her whole body began to shake. It had been stormy like this that night too—with Weaver and the boat. The waves had tossed her until she had no sense of direction and her lungs burned for air. All control snatched away by the ocean.

Catra took a few steps back and bent over to heave. Nothing came up, but she still felt sick. The darkness of the night felt heavy. Crushing her. Oppressive.

Like the closet.

But lightning flashed again and there was Adora. Even from a distance, Catra could see her stupid red raincoat and blonde hair flying everywhere. There was nothing between her and the edge.

Catra took a long shaky breath and clenched her fists. Then she took her first steps into the water.

A wave surged towards her and rose halfway up her leg. The icy water stung her skin, but Catra screwed her eyes closed and pressed forward. A few paces and it was up to her waist. Another wave crashed into her hard.

That forced her eyes back open. The sight of the angry waves around her set her heartbeat off like a drum beating through her bones. Her body grew stiff with the numbing cold, and her soaked clothes slowed her down even more. A breaker pushed at her again sending her fumbling for footing over the rocks. And then another hit and another.

“Adora!” she screamed, voice cracking.

She tried to look up at the lighthouse, but each time she took her focus off the water the waves almost drug her under. It didn’t matter anyway. Adora couldn’t hear her. She might not even be up there anymore.

The thought of Adora falling—Adora’s body broken on the rocks—finally brought a sob roaring to the air.

Catra moved forward blindly. Tears and rain and ocean spray filling her eyes. She had to get out. Had to get to her. This was her fault.  _ This was all her fault. _

When the next wave struck, Catra only got out half a scream before her feet were ripped out from under her.

Salt water burned in her nose and throat. Her arms and legs kicked and waved out frantically. She broke the surface, gasping for air, only for water to push her down again. She fought the current that yanked and tugged at her, but it only threw her around more. Tumbling in circles until the back of her head smashed against a rock.

Stars flashed in her eyes. Her body went limp—completely at the mercy of the sea. No control.

The waves had their way with her until she finally slammed against the side of a boulder—gasping and coughing up the water in her lungs. The wave receded and she felt herself slipping backwards into the torrent again. Digging her claws into the stone, Catra gripped onto the rock. When the wave hit again, it almost dislodged her, but she held on.

Each collision left her arms weaker and weaker. She couldn’t hold on much longer. Maybe they’d find her and Adora together. Or maybe no one would ever find them, and their friends would always be left wondering what happened. 

“Adora,” Catra shouted, but it came out more as a whimper. It didn’t matter. Catra was just so damn tired. Now that she was so close—the lighthouse looming above her, she realized how pointless this all was. Why did she think she could do this? Save Adora? She was too late.

And what was the point of anything else if Adora was already gone?

Icy water crashed against her again, and her arms and fingers trembled under the strain. She knew she wouldn’t last through another one.

Catra closed her eyes, waiting. Ready.

She heard something like a cry carried on the wind. But it was probably just a trick of her exhausted mind. She readied herself to give in to the water.

Then it came again. “Catra!”

Her eyes snapped open. The blaze of lightning in the sky lit up behind Adora, standing on the rocks above her. Searching for her and struggling to keep upright in the wind.

Alive.

The wave finally hit Catra’s back, but somehow, she held on. “Adora,” she groaned.

Adora focused on the sound and ran to her. Kneeling down, she reached out to her. “Take my hand!”

Catra tried to catch Adora’s hand—their fingertips separated by only a few. She strained forward while trying to keep herself from falling back into the raging water.

It wasn’t enough.

The water pulled at her again, and she had no strength to fight it. Her body began to slip backwards. Adora’s eyes widened, but Catra closed hers. She didn’t want to see the sadness on Adora’s face—she knew she didn’t deserve it.

She sobbed, but it was almost like a sigh of relief. Adora was alive. That’s all that mattered.

She let herself fall backwards into the air and water.

But a hand clamped around her wrist.

The touch burned on her cold skin. It dragged her from the water and over rough rocks, up and up and up. When it finally released her, she collapsed onto the ground. Her body curled into a ball without even meaning too, trying to keep what little heat she had left from fading away as water came off her in rivulets. Coughs wracked through her to dispel the last bit of sea water from her lungs.

“Adora?” she whispered between shivers. Only the wind filled her ears. Her body shook too much to see anything. Maybe it had all been wishful thinking. Adora wasn’t there. Hadn’t come for her.

But the hands returned—scooping underneath her back and legs and then lifting her into the air. She settled against a strong broad chest. Catra leaned into its warmth.

Fingers moved to card through the short, wet hair at the back of her head. “It’s okay, Catra. I’m here.”

Catra pressed her face into the crook of Adora’s shoulder and took a shaky breath—too cold to do anything else. Her whole body continued to vibrate with shivers. Adora started to walk over the uneven terrain. The stormy winds ripped at them and made Catra shiver harder, but Adora held her tight.

Through blurred shaky vision Catra saw they were at the door of the lighthouse. Adora awkwardly opened it and brought them both out of the storm. She flicked on a light and carefully placed her onto a chair. Catra felt Adora’s hands keep her from slipping off the wooden seat as she tried to come back to sense. She stood beside her for a few moments, but once Catra was steady, Adora stepped back. Catra bit back a whine when Adora’s warm arms slipped away. She curled her arms around herself to replace the feeling and tried to get her body to stop shaking.

She heard Adora pace a few steps away, but Catra didn’t want her to leave.

“How did you find me?” Catra’s voice was hoarse. “You were all the way up in the tower.”

She looked up to see Adora stop in the middle of the room and turn to face her—water dripping from her clothes and forming a puddle at her feet.

“I heard you calling for me. And I hoped… Anyways, I came down to search for you. I had no idea you were in danger or else I would have come sooner.” Adora shrugged.

Hoped? Catra didn’t know what that meant, and she was too cold and tired to figure it out. She needed to get back to the real reason she was here.

“You can’t do that. Be up there in a storm. Or ever. Not when you keep talking about disappearing and…” Catra groaned, searching for the right way to say this. “You can’t just kill yourself Adora.”

Adora’s jaw set again with the same anger as before all of this. “I don’t have to listen to whatever you say I can or can’t do. You already made it very clear you don’t care about me at all.”

“I do care about you.” She shouldn’t have said that.

“Then why have you been treating me like shit?”

“Because I care too much!” There it was. Out in the open. “And it terrifies me.”

“What do you mean?” Of course, Adora didn’t get the hint.

Catra stood and started to pace around the kitchen on shaky legs--even frozen limbs couldn’t keep her sitting still under Adora’s gaze anymore. She left water puddles behind her. She didn’t care. She pressed a cold hand to her mouth, but soon the words were spilling out again anyway.

“I’ve been hurt too many times, I’ve had a shitty life and so I can’t accept that someone like you would come into my life without a catch. Either you’d be a fake or I’d screw it up. But you were perfect, so it had to be me ruining everything. And I did in Seattle and then again today. So I ghosted you.”

“What are you saying?”

Catra flipped around to face her. “You want me to spell it out for you, princess?”

“Yeah because you didn’t do anything wrong in Seattle.” Adora’s arms waved erratically as she spoke.” _ I _ did something wrong. I made you uncomfortable.”

“No you idiot. I’m the one that came and forced myself into bed with you. I made you tell me about your past when you didn’t want to. You didn’t do anything wrong. I ghosted you because…” All the rising tension that had been building in Catra’s body suddenly faded away. But there was no point in stopping now. She’d already said too much. “Because you’re you.”

“Ummm, how is that different?”

Catra growled and smacked her forehead in frustration. “I like you okay!”

Adora’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open. “W-what?”

“I like you more than a friend should. And I know, I know I shouldn’t because you don’t even know if you’re gay and even then, you don’t want to be with a mess up like me. But I do.”

She looked down at her feet and waited for the fall out. But Adora stayed silent. Tears stun at the corners of Catra’s eyes. Living this rejection was so much worse than all the times she’d imagined it. Her heart felt like a chunk of lead pulling her down. This was what she’d been running from. She might as well run back out into the storm again. Even the sea would be better than this.

Then Adora let out a sharp breath. “You… like me?”

“Yeah,” Catra sighed, defeated. “I have for a long time.”

She looked up in time to see Adora lean against the table, but her wet hand slipped sending her tumbling to the floor in a heap.

Catra let out a sharp hysterical laugh. Dropping down to the floor, Catra moved to Adora’s side. She pulled at her arm until she sat up. Adora’s eyes were a little unfocused, and she blinked away the dizziness.

“Are you okay?” Catra asked. She let go of Adora’s arm, but hovered close—not sure if it was alright to touch anymore. “I’m sorry. We can just forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to be predatory. We can just stay friends. Or I’ll just leave, and it’ll be fine—"

Blue eyes locked onto her and effectively shut her up. A soft smile drove away all the hard edges anger had brought to Adora’s face. “I like you too.”

Catra froze, even the shivering stopped, but everything under the surface of her skin seemed to race with electricity. “Y-you figured it out? You like  _ me _ ?” Maybe she’d hit her head a lot harder than she thought, and she had a concussion. Or maybe she was actually dead and had somehow made it to a perfect heaven.

“I think I figured it out a while ago, but I was just too afraid to admit it.” Adora’s lips quivered a little, blue from the cold and so so close Catra could just lean over and brush her finger against them if she wasn’t still paralyzed. “I don’t think there is anyway I could not want you.”

She couldn’t stand it anymore. Catra pressed her forehead against Adora’s, droplets of water from their soaked hair sliding down each other’s faces. Adora wanted her—those words rung louder in her head than any others ever had. “Can I kiss you?” she whispered.

Adora whimpered.  _ Whimpered.  _ And fuck it felt like Catra’s whole body was ready to explode with the energy inside her.

“Please,” Adora said.

They moved together, leaning in until their lips touched. They were both cold at first, but as Adora’s chapped lips moved against Catra they started to warm up. But Catra had wanted this for so long, and she wanted more. When she pressed in to deepen the kiss, Adora gladly let her, opening her mouth for Catra’s tongue and returning with just as much passion. Letting actions fill in all the empty spaces for the words Catra still hadn’t found the strength to say, she tried to convey how much this meant to her—how  _ good _ it was in every push of her lips or brush of her tongue. Adora’s hands found their way into her hair, running through the short strands and scratching the back of her head. Each movement somewhere between gentle and firm. Catra moaning into Adora’s mouth, but she couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed when she couldn’t believe that this was even happening. She braced herself on the ground with one of her own hands and the other she planted firmly on Adora’s hips to keep them from roaming uncontrollably—now was not the time to mess things up by going too far.

They kissed until Catra was dizzy from lack of air and even then some. Adora finally broke away panting. Keeping her hands in Catra’s hair, she dropped her head to nuzzle into her neck. Her hot breath tickled Catra’s skin. It was enough to make Catra’s eyes flutter and shiver to roll through her. Adora pulled back.

“Catra you’re freezing.”

“Yeah well we were out in a storm.” She didn’t understand why they were talking and not kissing again.

“I’m serious.” Adora’s hands came forward to cup her cheeks and brushed her thumbs beneath Catra’s eyes. “Your shaking and turning blue.”

“Oh.” Catra glanced down at her arms and saw she was right. But her mind was too busy trying to process the memory of Adora’s lips against her own to really care. “I’ll be fine. It’s whatever.”

“It’s not whatever.” Adora’s brow furrowed. “You got into the water for me?”

“Of course, idiot. You were at the edge of a fifty-foot drop. I had to get to you.”

Adora’s hands slipped away from Catra’s face and fell into her lap, eyes dropping with them. Her shoulders curled inward, making her look too small. Like she had at the store or when they fought in the rain. Catra hated it.

She brushed her hand through Adora’s ruined ponytail until it finally landed on her cheek.  She  was starting to recognize the numbness in her fingers, but even the cold couldn’t hide the soft warmth of Adora’s skin. Catra coaxed her to look up. Adora should never look small like that again—Catra would do anything to make it true.

“We still need to talk about that,” Catra said. “But can we change before we do anything else? You’re right, I’m so freaking cold.”

Adora’s perked up again—ever motivated by the need to do. She got to her feet with a groan and offered Catra a hand. Upright again, Catra wobbled a little. Despite everything that had just happened she still had a throbbing bump on the back of her head and a tired cold ache all over.

But Adora kept her steady. “Are you okay to climb the ladder by yourself?”

Nodding, Catra started walking towards it. She half expected Adora to not follow—for the dream to break and to wake up in some ditch after wrecking her bike or washed up on the beach again. A few steps and she Adora’s hand slipped out of her hand. Catra immediately mourned the separation. If she never got to touch Adora again—to kiss her again—would she be able to survive that loss? Catra had made it through the worst the world could throw at her, but she wasn’t sure she could recover from that.

Then a warm body pressed up beside her again and fingers interlaced with her own.

It was almost too much, and Catra couldn’t stop from gasping. Adora immediately tried to pull away, but Catra gripped onto her fingers tight keeping her from leaving. She closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from falling apart at some freaking hand holding.

“You alright?” Adora asked.

“Just not used to this.” She shrugged a little to play it off.

Adora nodded though as if she understood. As they moved to the ladder, she didn’t try to pull away again. Catra went up first with Adora riding her tail because of course she was worried Catra would fall. She didn’t though—she might be a gay mess, but she could still climb a ladder.

Once they both were up, Adora moved on to the next task: digging through her suitcases and boxes to pull out fresh clothes. Catra stood nearby, shivering so hard she could barely keep her arms wrapped around herself. Adora should just give up her search and come back to hold her again—that would fight away the chill.

She shook away the thought. Her drenched clothes were heavy and starting to rub in the wrong places. Unfortunately, Adora’s organization system wasn’t any better now than it had been last time they were in this position.

“We really need to get you a dresser. No wonder you wear the same sweater all the time if it takes this much work to look through your clothes.”

Adora shot her a glare over her shoulder. “You want to haul a dresser up the ladder, Catra?”

“You’re the muscle here, princess. Not me.”

“Okay if I’m the muscley princess then what are you?”

The answer popped into her head and came out her mouth before she could even think to stop it. “The hot lady knight, duh.”

She slapped a hand to her mouth, but it was too late. Adora froze and then laughed hard clutching her stomach.

“I won’t argue with that one.”

“Whatever,” Catra scoffed, glad that Adora was still too busy trying to search while she laughed to see the blush on her cheeks. “I didn’t mean anything by it so don’t read into it or anything.”

“Sureeee, whatever you say.” Adora stood, turning around, and holding out a stack of thick pajamas and a towel for Catra to take. “Your amor’s looking a little wet there, good knight. Might want to put on something dry.”

Catra snatched the clothes away. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I know.”

They changed as quickly as they could peel their soaked clothes from their bodies—so actually pretty slowly. Catra turned away to give Adora privacy—still unsure where they stood after everything that had happened. But she couldn’t resist a glance. Adora had turned too, giving Catra the perfect view of her back as she pulled off her shirt. The rolling plain of muscles tensed and untensed as she moved. Catra was entranced, watching as Adora took off her bra and put on a new one. She would have continued watching too if Adora hadn’t twisted as if she were going to turn around and catch her.

Catra snapped her attention forward again, face probably beet red. She finished drying off her bare shivering legs and then pulled on the dry sweatpants Adora. Only then did she risk looking again. Adora’s eyes were on her—her ass more specifically. Catra cocked an eyebrow at her and this time Adora went red. She turned away fast and continued getting dressed in jerky movements. Catra just chuckled. At least she wasn’t the only one having gay thoughts. How could she have ever thought Adora was straight?

When she was finally all changed and her hair dried at least a little, Catra dropped all her wet clothes—socks, jacket and all, into a pile by the ladder. She put her phone beside it all. It had probably gotten too soaked to work. She’d have to call Scorpia later. Catra was still too cold and distracted to worry about it now, anyways.

As she walked back to the middle of the room, Adora watched her.

“You were wearing our socks,” she said almost in a whisper. She sat down on the bed, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. “I sort of imagined you had thrown them away.”

Catra winced. Adora really had thought she hated her. And somehow that made Adora feel like her own life didn’t matter. All the heaviness of their situation came reeling back.

“I’m sorry I was so stupid Adora.” Tears threatened to appear yet again, but Catra bit her lip and held them back. She needed to focus on helping Adora not her own storm of self-loathing.

Still Adora reached out for her, and like magnets they collapsed into one another. Adora lay back on the bed and tugged Catra down with her. Their arms wrapped around each other, and Catra let her head fall on Adora’s chest.

Even with the dry clothes and Adora against her, Catra shivered. Adora squirmed and yanked the blankets out from underneath, so she could drape them overtop of Catra instead. With Razz’s blanket Catra had bought all those months ago above her and Adora beneath her, Catra finally started to feel the cold fade away. After weeks of spending evenings watching movies and working together in a pile of blankets, Catra had only dreamed of being together like this. Somehow this was better than all those dreams anyway. Catra snuggled in deeper to relish it before it was snatched away.

Adora broke the quiet first. “Are you okay? The sea was really rough.”

“I’m fine,” Catra mumbled into her chest, suppressing a shudder. She didn’t want to think about it anymore. Facing your fears sucked. “I’ll probably have some bruises, but besides that I’m more tired than anything else.”

Adora squeezed her tighter in response.

Catra steeled herself to ask her own question. “Are you okay?”

Beneath her, Adora tensed. Instead of pushing Catra away though, she moved a hand to play with her hair. “I’m better now.”

Catra knew there was more to it. She had to bite the bullet. Had to know. “Were… were you going to jump?”

Adora was quiet for a long time. Catra strained to stay silent and wait.

“I just felt so alone and…” Adora shuddered a little, “Like I only make things worse.”

It wasn’t a direct answer, but it might as well have been. Catra’s heart ached. She didn’t miss the present tense of the second phrase either. Catra knew what that felt like, what it did to a person’s mind. What it was still doing to Adora’s.

“I’m so sorry for the things I said.” Catra felt Adora shake a little as if she were fighting back tears, but Catra didn’t stop speaking. “I was awful and cruel. You don’t have to forgive me, but I want you to know that I was so wrong. I don’t ever want you to feel like you don’t deserve to be here.”

Whatever hold Adora had over her emotions was fraying. She suddenly pushed to sit up. Catra shifted to the side to let her and watched as Adora pulled her knees into her chest and curled around them. Even with the change of position, her shaking only grew stronger.

Catra was probably not helping. This was the moment when Adora realized she didn’t want her. Realized that Catra had hurt her too bad to forgive. Tears coming to her own eyes, Catra tried to inch away without alerting Adora.

But the bed creaked as she moved and Adora’s hand launched out to grab her arm.

“It’s okay,” she said between teary gasps. “Just stay. Please stay.”

Catra couldn’t say no to that. Adora dragged her in, and Catra wrapped herself around Adora’s back. With her legs spread on either side of Adora and her arms slipped around her waist, Catra held her tight. Adora let her weight rest back against her, and Catra ducked her head to press her cheek between her shoulder blades.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me to. It's not okay, but I promise I won’t leave. I’ll probably be stupid and a bitch again, but I’ll try to be better. And no matter what if you need me I’ll be here for you. You can tell me anything.” She took a breath. There was more she wanted to say—all the protectiveness and passion and… bigger emotions she wasn’t ready to say beating in her chest. But she didn’t want to come on too strong and scare Adora away. Every minute they spent like this she became more and more convinced she wouldn’t survive the eventual rejection. “I won’t leave you,” she said to finally punctuate her little speech.

Adora sobbed harder. Catra just held her, letting her cry herself out. She rubbed her thumbs in soothing patterns over her skin and hummed quietly. It must have been grounding enough because Adora’s cries grew softer and more spread out.

“I’m sorry too,” Adora said with a hiccup.

“You don’t—”

Adora cut her off with another gentle squeeze of her arms. “I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy or pressed so hard. I wanted to fix things between us and make sure I didn’t ruin everything like I did in Seattle, but you really would have been better off without me butting in.”

Catra recognized the words she’d shouted with such poison mingled with Adora’s. “I was lying. I’m not better off without you. It’s complete bullshit. You make things better, Adora.”

“I didn’t in Seattle.”

Adora took a breath ready to say more, but Catra rushed to stop her.

“You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to. I was being stupid before. Its not a condition and I won’t leave.”

“I… I want to.” She moved one of her hands to find Catra’s at her waist and interlaced their fingers. She said it again but more firm. “I want to.”

She glanced back at her, and Catra nodded to urge her to continue. The simple motion seemed to trigger something in Adora, and her whole body sagged into Catra’s like a weight lifted from off her chest. She was finally sharing her secret. Adora faced forward again. She let her head fall against her knees. 

“It was my fault that the firm closed down,” Adora sighed long and hard. 

“I was doing everything my foster mom had raised me to do. I had graduated with honors, got a law degree, and got hired. Moonstone Law wasn’t the big corporate firm Hope had pushed me to join, but Glimmer and I started right off taking the leads on cases, so she didn’t nag me as bad. And at Moonstone I felt like I was actually doing good, helping people and effecting change. I had Glimmer and Bow and Angella, Glimmer’s mom, was a great mentor. I guess I thought that I’d actually found something good in my life to cling to after years of just walking the path I was told to follow…”

Her voice trailed off. Catra could feel Adora’s body begin to go rigid, probably getting lost in a spiral of thoughts. That was no good. “But?” Catra said to pull her out.

Adora shook her head a little and continued. “But the firm wasn’t doing very good though. We were working too many pro bono cases and losing our paying clients. Angella kept giving me bigger and bigger cases even though I was inexperienced. I didn’t want to take the lead, but the other lawyers had their hands full and if I didn’t do my part then the firm would fail. Angella had Glimmer take a management position in the firm, but she still worked on the cases with me sometimes. She wanted to be the lead, and I gladly would have let her but she had too much else to worry about. I needed to pull my own weight anyway or else why was I there at all.

“But I started to get sick. With all the work and stress, I guess I just stopped taking care of myself. Our best friend Bow tried to help me. He wanted me to do something for myself. A hobby you know?”

“That’s when you started writing?”

“Started again. I had always liked to write. That’s why I got my degree in English. I started writing random things at first, but then I got that idea for the piece I’m working on right now. I spent more and more time working on it, but it was a distraction…Do you remember the people from the store?”

Catra hummed a yes.

“They’re names are Mermista and Seahawk. They were clients. They ran this ocean pollution cleaning organization called Salineas. A huge shady corporation had been having conflicts with them after there had been a fight over trespassing in waters they owned. Salineas had been bashing this company for years over social media, so I guess they finally decided to sue and shut them up. Salineas was one of our last big paying clients, so this was really make or break for the firm.

“Angella wanted Glimmer and I to present our ideas for how to go about the case, so I did my homework. I got a hold of the big corporate attorney who was leading the other side and tried to get a feel for what we were up against. While I talked to him, he acted all buddy buddy and I fell for it. He slipped up and gave me some information about his worries for the case because the corporation had a habit of being fraudulent especially about what property they claimed to own. I was an idiot and based my case around that. Angella chose my idea, and I worked as hard as I could to lead us to a win.

“Between that and writing I barely slept. I couldn’t stop writing though because it helped me cope at least a little. Glimmer found me working on my story though instead of the case and got super upset. She barely would talk to me leading up to the case. Bow tried to talk to her, but she was right. I was distracted.”

Catra couldn’t stop the growl from interrupting. She did not like Glimmer at all so far.

But Adora didn’t let it stop her. She spoke faster now as if she was afraid if she didn’t get this all out now she never would be able too.

“On the day of the case, I talked to that attorney again. He threw all my work back in my face. The information he’d let slip was fake. My case wouldn’t stand up to a breeze let alone a team of fully funded lawyers.

“I just fell apart. I couldn’t think or breathe. Everything Hope had taught me just was gone, and I fell apart. Glimmer and Bow had to drag me out of the court. I found out later that Angella took over the case. Glimmer came over and told me that night. We lost the case. Salineas had to disband. The loss was too big and the firm wouldn’t recover. No one would want to work with us again. After losing so badly Angella had lost all her reputation. She had to retire.”

She shuddered again. She was afraid. Catra tried to hold onto her tighter, assuring her without words that nothing could make her leave.

“She was so mad at me.” Adora hung her head. “But she wasn’t wrong. I should have let her lead the case. I shouldn’t have let myself get distracted by my writing. If I had been better than I would have caught the trick earlier. Then her mom wouldn’t have lost the firm and her job. So as soon as Bow got Glimmer to leave, I started packing.

“I moved out that night. I had to stay in a hotel until I got everything worked out with the lighthouse, but I rushed the process as fast as I could. I only left a note saying don’t come looking for me. Glimmer was right, they were all better off without me so I just took myself out of the equation.”

The words hung in the air. Catra could feel how tense Adora was—waiting for her reaction. Probably waiting for her to scream at her just like her shitty friend had.

But Catra had to get control of herself first—tap down on the hurt and anger at Glimmer and herself that threatened to come lashing out and make this whole situation worse than it was. Right now, she just needed to help Adora.

“You know Glimmer was being stupid just like I was right?”

Adora didn’t respond.

“She was probably jealous or mad at herself or something and took it out on you because you are too kind and selfless to fight back. Trust me, I know what that’s like. But we both were wrong.”

Adora twisted to face Catra halfway. “But she wasn’t. I ruined everything that had been good for me and everyone else. I even failed Hope. I’m just a hermit in a broken down lighthouse who doesn’t help anyone. That is my fault.”

“Sometimes things just happen and it’s nobody’s fault. You did everything you could. You can make mistakes and still be a good person.”

But Adora shook her head, still not accepting it.

“I hate being sappy, but you’re going to make me aren’t you?” Catra grabbed her cheek and forced her eyes to her. The blue was intense despite how red and puffy they were. All fear and pain with a little flicker of hope mixed in. “Adora you are the most funny, kind, and good person I know. And somehow you’re so hot on top of all that.”

Adora actually cracked a faint smile.

“And I know Glimmer was wrong because you have made my life so much better since I met you. You might be a weird hermit now, but you help me every day. You make me actually want to be a better person which is crazy because I’ve been pretty set on being a mean screw up most my life. That’s why I know she’s wrong. And I’ll remind you of it every day if I have to no matter if whatever this is that we are doing ends.”

Adora stared at her for a second before asking, “How did all of this not scare you away?”

Catra laughed. “Adora, I’m sort of still a wanted criminal. I’ve hurt people in ways I can’t ever fix. I’m a former druggie and drug dealer and my dead adoptive mother messed me up so bad that I can’t even go into her house or open the letter she left for me in her will.” 

Normally sharing all that would have never happened, but Catra felt the words coming almost on their own volition-- subconsciously doing anything to help reassure Adora. Catra laughed again at the scrunched up confused face Adora made. 

“I promise that I will tell you everything, just not tonight, okay? Just know that there is nothing you can do that will scare me away. I’m choosing to stick with you if you want me.”

Adora nodded her head against, Catra’s hand. Catra could feel tears wetting her fingers, but Adora’s eyes only spoke relief. Catra’s throat hurt. They’d done more talking and sharing and opening up than Catra had probably ever. She was pretty much done with words.

Adora must have had the same feeling because she leaned in close and kissed her again. It wasn’t fiery and urgent like the first—just chaste and simple—but Catra’s whole body still reacted. Warmth flooded all the way to her fingertips and back bringing with it a feeling of peace.

When they pulled apart, they still lingered close, breathing in each other’s air and keeping their eyes closed. Neither of them wanted to move. They were too drained and too content to do anything but be there with each other.

Eventually Adora pressed her forehead to Catra’s again. “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”

Catra nodded slowly. Drowsiness was quickly taking over, but she didn’t want to make any more assumptions than she already had.

“If you don’t want to be a pair though we don’t have to be. I might need a little bit of time, but I can just be your friend. There are no strings attached to anything I just said. I’ll still be here for you if you don’t want to stick with my crazy ass. I think you shouldn’t be alone, but we could get Perfuma—"

Adora leaned back so she could look at her. “Do you want to leave?”

Catra groaned. “No. But that doesn’t matter—”

“It matters to me.” Adora shifted and wrapped her own arms around Catra. “Stay.”

For once, Catra’s doubts went quiet. She could just enjoy Adora—the feel of her muscles, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in deep, and the sea salty smell on her skin and hair. It all eased her almost to sleep.

“Adora?”

“Hmm?”

“Can we go to sleep?”

“Please.”

They released their grip on each other just long enough to turn the lights off, lay back down, and rearrange the blankets over them. Neither of them wanted to let go, so they lay facing each other, Adora’s head against Catra’s chest.

Catra enjoyed the moment as long as she could—taking in every little part of being there with Adora—but the sound of the storm outside and Adora’s breathing beside her coaxed her quickly away into a soft gentle peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened. Thoughts? Feelings? I know it was a lot but big things had to happen.  
> Now we are transitioning and they are going to be in a relationship, but the story is only a little bit over half way done so there's more angst and fluff to come.  
> Speaking of-- if you have any tropes or things that couples do that you are just dying to see our favorite lighthouse couple to do drop it in a message and you might just get it added to the story (if I'm not already planning to include it)  
> Excited to hear your feedback!
> 
> Fic Playlist--  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=6W0fW6e5QWWZ3tQaZJcCFQ


	13. Anchor Up To Me Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's PoV
> 
> Anchor-- Novo Amor  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/7qH9Z4dJEN0l9bidizW7fq

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the delay! School is killing me and I went through a couple weeks were I only had the mental and emotional energy to do the minimum so writing went out the window but I'm back now with a long chapter and updates should be back around to being every week or two
> 
> I had a plan for this chapter and then basically I blew that up and sewed together the carnage and added some new pieces and wala, we got this beaut. It's not what I originally planned but I think it sets us up nicely for this second half of the plot

_And I hear your ship is comin' in_

_Your tears a sea for me to swim_

_And I hear a storm is comin' in_

_My dear, is it all we've ever been?_

_Anchor up to me, love_

Adora woke to a heavy pressure on her bladder. It dragged her steadily out of the comfort of sleep no matter how much she fought it. When Adora pushed to sit up and finally go to resolve the problem, a weight across her chest held her down. An arm.

The darkness of the room was heavy, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust. But eventually Adora could make out the sleeping form of Catra. She lay on her stomach, face pressed to the pillow just beside Adora’s shoulder and one hand stuck underneath her still clinging on to Adora’s arm.

She really would have loved to just stay there. Listening to the quiet rumbling breath of Catra sleeping beside her. Watching her lungs expand and retract. Breathe in her smell mixed with the salty hint of the ocean. This was so much better than a late-night video call. 

But man she really needed to pee.

So, Adora lamented as she extricated herself from Catra’s arms and got out of the warm bed.

The cold fall air made Adora shiver as she climbed down the ladder and made her way to the bathroom. Once she had relieved herself, she stepped back out into the main room of the house. The clock on her microwave told her that it was about 5:30, but winter morning meant that it still looked like the middle of night outside.

Standing there in the stillness, everything came crashing down on her. The storm. The edge. Catra’s scream.

If Adora hadn’t heard her over the wind, then… She shuddered. Catra almost died. Because of her. Because Adora let her emotions control her, and she ran away like a coward. Why was she such a coward? Always running away from all of her problems. Leaving everyone else to deal with the mess she had made. How could Catra care for her?

Adora jolted into movement again, climbing back up the ladder. She had to give Catra an out. She planned out exactly how she would do it as she moved up rung by rung. Things would be different in the morning light-- Catra’s feelings would probably be different. She’d tell Catra she’d meant everything she had said and she didn’t regret it, but Catra didn’t need to feel pressured to do this just to save Adora again. She could be alright without Catra. She could be alone. Catra didn’t have to obligate herself to her.

She stepped out onto the floor of her room and the boards creaked beneath her. A sharp gasp drew her attention to the bed. In the darkness Adora could see Catra’s silhouette-- ramrod straight sitting up in the middle of the bed. Her eyes were wide and her hands were fisted into the blankets.

“Catra?”

Her face crumpled as she let out a stifled sob, and she turned away as if ashamed of the sound. Adora moved quickly to rejoin her on the bed, but kept some distance between them, unsure of what Catra needed. She’d already made so many assumptions.

“What’s wrong?” Adora opened her arms, still hesitating to make a move. 

Catra fell against her with another sob, her whole body shaking as more followed. “I woke up and you were gone. And it was so dark—I couldn’t… I thought you—”

Adora let her arms pull her in close. It wasn’t hard to guess what Catra was trying to say. Where she had thought Adora had gone. Her chest burned with shame, but she ignored it as best she could. She had to focus on Catra.

“I’m sorry. I had to go to the bathroom. It’s okay. I’m here. I won’t leave.”

“Could you… can you please turn on a light?” Catra’s voice shook with urgency.

Adora almost jumped at the question. Maybe this wasn’t all about what she thought. Even after last night, Catra so clearly displaying her fears was not something that happened often. Still holding onto her with one arm, Adora leaned over and flicked on the little lamp she kept on her bedside table.

She refocused on Catra and noticed how with the faint light shining around them that Catra’s body visibly started to untense.

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t have left you alone in the dark if I had known—”

“How could you have?” Catra scoffed bitterly. “I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was weaker than you already think I am.”

Adora knew what that was like. She’d spent hours the night before laying bare her weaknesses in front of Catra. Tearing open her shell and leaving aching, pulsing fears and flaws exposed for Catra to strike at.

But Catra hadn’t.

She’d looked. Accepted. Even reassured Adora. But hadn’t hurt her. Even if Catra would eventually leave, it had been good for Adora. As hard as it was for her to believe, she had to think that maybe this being vulnerable thing wasn’t always the worst option.

“I don’t think you’re weak for having fears. And in no way am I pressuring you, but you can tell me about them. I won’t think any less of you,” Adora said and then quickly added, “But only if you want to.”

Catra looked up at Adora. “Promise?” she said through a shudder.

“I promise.”

Catra sucked in a deep breath and held it for a moment, teasing the end of the blanket between her nails before letting the air go in a rush.

“I don’t like tight spaces or the dark. I guess you can add that to the list with water and the ocean and too many other things. I used to really like them when I was really little, but… that changed fast.”

“What—I, um—was,” Adora stuttered out. Screwing it up because she was thinking too hard about not screwing things up. 

Catra gave a soft laugh, breaking up the heavy feeling and giving Adora the conciliatory award of helping Catra at least a little.

“Just ask, dummy.”

Adora spoke slowly and carefully, “Was it because of her?”

Catra’s breath hitched, but she didn’t pull away. She nodded slightly. “I… I don’t think I can talk about it right now.” She gulped hard. “It messed me up. I’m still so fucked up.”

Needing to do something to comfort, but unable to imagine anything but a useless ‘I’m sorry,’ Adora let’s her hands rub up and down Catra’s arms feeling the muscles taut with tension and the bumps and ridges of scars. 

Catra winced, and Adora froze. But Catra pressed into her harder. 

“Sorry,” Catra whispered. “That’s just…that’s why I started using in the first place. I put needles in my fucking arms so that I’d stop dreaming about it. Getting well… getting just another hit… I couldn’t stop or else all the memories would fill up my head and I’d start to see things and then I’d be a mess just like this. And one time I got so drunk and spilled all of this out to some of my lieutenants and they just wouldn’t stop looking at me like I was some hurt animal or something. But they were probably right. And now you’re going to think the same.”

“I don’t,” Adora whispered.

She ran her hands up and down her back. Maybe that would convey all the things she couldn’t figure out the right way to say. I don’t care that you’ve messed up before. I’ll take anything you want to tell me. I don’t think you’re as much of a mess as you think you are. I think you are so strong. So amazing. I think I lo—

Catra hummed, still shaky but less than before. “Thanks, Adora.”

She shrugged a little in response. What she was doing was nothing. Easy.

“Do you want to lie down again?”

Catra nodded, so Adora leaned them both gently back down into the bed. She pulled the blankets over them both to keep out the bite of the autumn air. Underneath, Catra’s breathing began to ease back to a normal pace and her body uncurled from the ball she’d formed. Adora started to shift to find a more comfortable position for them both, but Catra’s hand grabbed hold of her arms.

“What are you—” she huffed as Catra manhandled her, but Catra practically hissed when she tried to fight so Adora went limp and let Catra have her way.

They ended up on their sides. Catra’s body molded to her back and arms wrapped tight across her waist and stomach. Their legs tangled as Catra searched for more contact. Adora hadn’t really imagined herself to be the little spoon type, but the feeling of being held, being protected… well, she could get used to it to say the least.

“Don’t scare me like that again,” Catra whispered against her neck. “Not the darkness thing. That wasn’t your fault. And don’t let it get to your head but you were sort of perfect with the whole listening thing. But you left. I was scared you might have—”

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that already,” Catra huffed.

“Yeah…” Adora sighed. Now that Catra was calm again she needed to give her that out. She had to just say it. Rip off the band-aid. “When the sun comes up, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I’m going to be okay. You don’t have to stay just to protect me.”

The arms around her pulled away, and Adora had to bite down on her tongue to keep from letting out something pathetic like a whimper. She knew this was going to happen after all. 

“I thought…” Catra sighed and sat up. Adora flipped onto her back to look at her. “Guess I should have expected that this couldn’t last.”

She was between Adora and the wall, so she started to climb over her in an attempt to escape.

But Adora caught her arm and pulled her back down on the bed. “Wait, wait. I’m not… That’s not what I…” She groaned loud and smacked her palm against her head. “Why can I never say things right to you?”

“What? Do you want a pen and a paper so you can write my rejection letter instead?” she growled and tried to yank her arm out of Adora’s grip.

“I’m not rejecting you!”

Catra froze, eyes wide and waiting for Adora to explain what the hell she was trying to say.

“I’m just…” Adora sighed, “I’m giving you an out. You saved me last night. I barely heard your voice, but just the hope that you maybe had come back… that you didn’t hate me… that was enough to get me to step back from the ledge. And I’m so thankful for that.” Adora could feel her ability to make cohesive sentences fading fast. But she had to get this out. “But you don’t have to feel obligated to stick with everything you said last night just because you want to protect me or even if it was all just the heat of the moment and adrenaline and the crazy storm. I still want to be friends at least, but I won’t hold you to anything you said or did last night. You’re free of me.”

With that Adora let go of her arm and collapsed onto the bed, spent and staring up at the dark ceiling. Her eyes watered, but she had to hold it back at least until Catra left.

But Catra didn’t get up. She didn’t even move for a long few moments.

Until finally she groaned loud, and punched Adora’s arm.

“Why are we absolute shit at communicating? What part of me swimming through a stormy ocean and making out with you after, says that I want to be free of you?”

Heat burned in Adora’s cheeks just at the memory. “I just didn’t want to assume anything,” she sat up and tried to wave her hands frantically to defend her intentions.

Catra laughed and rolled her eyes, but then all the smugness faded away, leaving her looking unsure. “The offer goes for you too though. I won’t hold last night against you if you want out.”

“I really, _really_ don’t.” Adora scrambled to find Catra’s hand in the darkness and squeezed it gently.

“Good, because I don’t either.”

Catra laid back down and used their connected hands to shift them back to how they were spooning before. She pressed her head into the crook of Adora’s neck and let out a long breath. “This talking about feelings thing is exhausting.”

Adora leaned back into her really only because she could and the warmth from Catra’s body pressed against her seemed to delve into places Adora never knew could feel warmth. And Catra pulled her tighter, making it all somehow even better. Not even the cold fall air could ruin this.

“If this is what I get after all the talking, I think I can endure more of it.”

Catra practically purred. “You’re right.”

It was all enough to finally ease Adora towards sleep. But before her eyes could drift closed, she spotted the time on her alarm clock on her table. 6:13 AM.

“This is about when I normally get up to workout,” she whispered.

Catra’s arms stayed firm around her, and she nuzzled her face against her neck. “Nope, too tired. We fought a storm and talked about our feelings. That was enough of a workout.”

Adora chuckled. “Okay, I guess this can be my cheat day.”

Catra only hummed in response and intertwined their legs together. Just another layer of comfort on top of it all. Adora let herself drift and drift all while knowing that Catra had her. And Catra wasn’t letting go.

Her eyes opened again and this time sunlight filtered into the room. She let her eyes flutter closed. There was no pressure to get up and get going like she always felt. No need to do anything but stay there and feel Catra’s arms around her. Because Catra had stayed. Catra actually wanted to be there with her. She’d saved her—braved the cold and the water all for her.

It still didn’t really make sense. Why would she put herself in such danger—

Adora stiffened. So much had happened last night once they were out of the storm—confessions and sharing and fulfilling so many pent up desires—she had forgotten how it all began. She could still see Catra clinging to the dark rocks, soaked and shaking. She could only imagine what damage had been done by the waves before Adora even got there. Her voice had been so weak even as she screamed, none of the normal fire and confidence that Catra exuded. And her eyes. The way that she had looked at Adora. So tired. So ready to give up when Adora couldn’t quite reach.

If Adora hadn’t found that bit of strength to lunge forward and catch her… she didn’t want to think about that.

But she did owe it to Catra to actually check if she was alright.

Catra still held onto her tight, but Adora was able to twist a little in her grip and look back at her. Even asleep, Adora could see the dark circles under her eyes. Her features were soft. None of the hard edges her smirks and scowls brought. Just peace and stillness. Adora reached over to brush a clump of her short hair behind her ear.

Catra’s face scrunched at the movement, and she groaned, “It's still sleep time Adora.”

But Adora had a mission. “Are you all warm again after the water?” 

Blue and gold eyes blinked a few seconds before landing on her with a little smile. “Yeah, princess, you’re like a heater. I’m all warmed up.”

“Good, good.” That brought its own warmth to Adora’s cheeks. “And everything else okay? No injuries?”

“My head’s a little sore, but I’m fine. What are you worried about me?”

She flipped all the way, so they faced one another. “Of course. You risked your life for me last night.”

“I’m fine, I swear.” Catra’s face went soft again, and she blushed under Adora’s gaze. “Nothing being here with you couldn’t fix.”

The smile that spread across Adora’s face almost hurt her cheeks.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Catra shoved her face into the pillow. But then she yowled a little and shook her hand. “My arm’s dead!”

Adora couldn’t stop giggling as Catra continued to try and work the blood back into her limb.

“At least now I know for sure this isn’t a dream,” Catra huffed. “My arm would never fall asleep in a cuddling dream.”

“Oh? Have those dreams often? And who, may I ask, are you cuddling with?”

“Is everything going to be like this with you now?” Catra groaned.

Adora let her face fall into fake innocence. “I’m just trying to see who my competition is. It better not be DT.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Without warning, Catra pounced on top of her. Her hands found their way to Adora’s side and poked and tickled. Adora tried to wriggle her way free, but Catra just came right back any time she bucked her off. Soon she couldn’t even breathe through the laughing and snorting.

“Mercy,” she cried, but Catra only laughed and tickled her harder.

But Adora wasn’t out of moves yet. Reaching up, she caught hold of either side of Catra’s face and pulled her down until their lips met. Catra’s hand shifted from tickling to gripping tight to her sides almost immediately. She hummed quietly as if to say, she’d let Adora win for now.

With Catra’s soft, soft lips moving against her own, and her body flush above her, Adora’s thoughts came careening to a halt. Only instinct kept her moving in response to Catra instead of freezing up. She just couldn’t really believe it. It was finally setting in. She was kissing a girl. She was kissing Catra. Everywhere she touched burned and tingled like nothing ever had. Sucking in a deep breath through her nose, the smell of Catra bombarded her scenes. Men’s deodorant and salt water and Catra. There was nothing else but Catra.

It felt so right. It should feel so right. But there was just something messing it up. Something wrong. Adora struggled to search through her foggy brain, so she could find it and pluck it out. But the wrongness stayed just out of reach at the back of her mind, pulsing just enough to remind her it was there and threatening to spread. So instead she fought to ignore it, to focus instead on the little sounds Catra made when she brushed her fingers over her cheeks and scratched at the back of her neck.

She didn’t know how long they had been kissing, when Catra pulled away. She let her head fall into the crook of Adora’s neck.

“I haven’t dreamt of anyone except you for a long time,” she whispered so quietly against her skin that Adora barely caught it.

And the warmth from those words was enough to finally snuff out the wrong feeling. Because this was right. Adora hummed happily. “Good, let’s keep it that way.”

“Okay, bossy.” Catra leaned back a little. “You give me crap, but I really doubt you haven’t dreamt about me. I saw the way you looked at my tattoos.”

“I don’t remember my dreams usually.” Adora shrugged. But when Catra’s face fell with disappointment, Adora continued. “But I thought about you. A lot. Like all the time.”

Now Catra smirked. “Oh yeah?”

Suddenly she felt much less confident. “Uh I mean not in a weird way… just thinking about you helped me not think about everything with, like, Glimmer or what my foster mom might say about where I am now.”

Adora cringed at her own awkwardness and waited to see how Catra would react to that mess. But when she opened her mouth a loud banging from downstairs made them both jump.

Catra’s eyes were wide. “What the—”

“If someone doesn’t open up, I am going to have Scorpia break this door down,” Perfuma shouted, and her voice sounded loud and clear despite the walls.

Adora and Catra stared at each other, frozen.

Then, the counting started. “Ten… Nine…”

“Shit,” Catra swore at the same time Adora said, “She’s going to break my door!”

They scrambled over each other, tumbling to the floor and to their feet. Adora jumped to the ladder and slid down with Catra right behind her.

“Five… Four… Three…”

Adora threw open the door the moment she grabbed hold of the handle. Perfuma’s fist froze in the air inches away from knocking against Adora’s face.

They all yelped and jumped back except for Scorpia who pushed into the house and scooped Adora up into a hug.

“You’re safe!” She caught sight of Catra standing behind Adora. “And Catra! You’re here too!” With another quick motion she snatched up Catra too, squishing them both in either arm. “I was so worried. We had no idea where you had gone, Catra. And Adora…”

Her grip on them loosened and they both staggered back to their feet. Adora kept her eyes fixed on her feet, not wanting to see the concern on Scorpia’s face.

“You were so upset,” she said. “What happened?”

Shame clamped down on Adora’s throat like a vice. Catra knowing what she had almost done last night was bad enough, but the thought of everyone else knowing—seeing just how weak she was—made her feel like her whole body buzzed with frantic energy. She tried to open her mouth and give some sort of an answer but instead only a stuttering mess came out.

Until Catra stepped up to her side and caught hold of her hand. A steady anchor to drive away the buzzing.

“I came here after cooling down,” Catra said, still gripping her hand tight. “Then we were able to finally talk about… stuff.”

“Stuff?” Perfuma stepped closer and shot a pointed look towards their joined hands. Another spike of wrongness shot through Adora, but she didn’t let go. Couldn’t.

“Yeah. Stuff,” Catra replied.

“Well thank gods you two got over your emotional constipation.” Perfuma’s voice shook, but she took a long deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment to calm herself. “So why _pray tell_ didn’t you answer your phones?”

Adora’s brain was still struggling to piece together thoughts through the flood of emotions. But thankfully Catra spoke up again.

“Hey, our phones got water-logged and we were, you know, busy. We’re sorry.”

“You better be.” Perfuma took a step forward, but Scorpia placed a hand on her shoulder to hold her back.

“I think we all agree that Scorpia and I deserve a bigger explanation for all of this,” Perfuma gestured between the two of them and then pressed her fingers to her temple. “But I am willing to postpone and let you all put yourselves together first.”

For the first time, Adora actually thought about her appearance. She looked down and saw her pjs disheveled on her body. Surely her hair was probably a bedhead mess. With her free hand she did her best to straighten up at least a little bit.

“Now that we know you are okay,” Scorpia jumped in. “Perfuma and I probably need to get to work, but what if you come over for dinner?”

Catra cast a questioning look her way. When Adora nodded, Catra turned back to their friends.

“Works for us.”

“How about six—” Scorpia started to say, but Perfuma interrupted.

“Let’s make that five. We have looottsss to talk about.” She pressed a finger into both of their sternums.

Then she swiveled and marched out of the house. Scorpia gave them a wave and short goodbye before following her wife out the door and closing it behind her.

And they just stood there in silence, gripping on to each other hard. Adora wasn’t sure if Catra held on just as tight because she needed to feel Adora just as much as she did or because she wanted to make Adora feel better. Either way though, it was enough to calm her racing thoughts and heart down enough to speak words again.

“So, um… do you want breakfast?”

Catra gave her a smile and nodded.

That sent a bolt of energy through her. She pulled Catra along to the kitchen, and reluctantly let go of her hand to search through her cupboards and fridge. A quick glance reminded her that Adora hardly ate anything, but smoothies. But she didn’t want this to be a sucky first morning together (not that type of first morning, but she couldn’t think about that if she wanted to keep her thoughts from careening to a halt). So she searched frantically through every cupboard for anything.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Catra started, “I don’t need—”

“Aha!” Adora pulled out a box of waffle mix and held it up into the air triumphantly. Then she found her waffle iron with a huge grin on her face. “And in the morning, I’m making waffles!”

Catra erupted into cackles, leaning against the wall. “And you used to think _Secretariat_ was the best movie ever.”

“You still won’t even watch that with me!”

“Well if these waffles are good,” Catra spoke through her laughter, “You might be able to butter me up enough to maybe agree to see it.”

Adora couldn’t help but cock an eyebrow. “I’m sure the waffles will be the _only_ factor in convincing you.”

Catra shoved her a little. “Shut up and get to cooking.”

They worked together to make the batter, but Catra let Adora cook them in the iron. Instead she wandered around the room. Adora watched her move and look through her things.

“You better not burn those waffles,” Catra said.

Adora flipped around, locking her eyes onto the timer on the iron. But even then her attention drifted back to Catra again.

She had found the pile of treasures Adora had collected from their days apart. It sat on a little shelf near the front door. Catra picked through the pieces, holding them up to the light. 

“You weren’t lying when you said you had a whole pile waiting for me.”

Yet again, Adora’s blushed. “Yeah, going out walking and running and just working out in general was all I could get myself to do while we weren’t talking. I just didn’t have the motivation to do the things I needed to do on the house or my writing.”

She held her breath to stop herself from rambling anymore. She shouldn’t be this co-dependent. They aren’t even girlfriends. Or at least she didn’t think they were. Really she had no idea. A confession doesn’t really mean any commitment. And why would Catra want that with a baby-gay-human-disaster like her.

Behind her, Adora heard the clink of rocks and shells. Flipping around, she saw Catra dropping handfuls of the pile onto the table before she sat down. She caught Adora looking. Adora gaped, but Catra just rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Hurry and get those waffles made, so you can tell me about these.”

That kicked her back into gear. She got the waffles cooked and then topped them with some strawberries and whipped cream. Setting their plates down in front of them, she picked up a piece of driftwood that looked just like a little kitten. She told her all about it and every other treasure in between giant bites of waffle.

By the time they had gotten through all the pieces, both of them had finished their breakfast. Catra turned over a piece of sea glass that had shined in the moonlight when Adora had first seen it in her fingers.

“You know, I was messed up too… while we weren’t talking,” Catra said. “I barely could sleep and that wrecked my studies. I’m so far behind in prepping for my finals.”

Guilt twinged in Adora’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not—” Catra groaned. “We both know that’s my fault, not yours.”

She tried to argue, but Catra gave her a curt shake of her head and cut her off.

“So, what are we going to tell Scorpia and Perfuma? I mean about us?” Catra asked.

“Oh um well what do you want to tell them?”

“I’m asking you, Adora. I know that you’ve never done something like this,” she gestured between them, “before, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. So I have to know what you are up for.”

The memory hit Adora like an icy wave.

“ _Having her here makes me uncomfortable_ ,” Hope had said.

Glimmer had driven Adora from their college to visit Hope for a long weekend. Glimmer had only stayed for a few moments before she left, but it was enough for Hope to display her disdain with an upturned nose and strong hints that she should leave.

“ _Does that girl want to date you?_ ”

Adora had cringed at the question. Shying away from Hope’s searching eyes that were so ready to be disappointed.

“ _No, no of course not. We’re just friends. And you know I’m not like… that_ ,” Adora had rushed to answer. Each word seemed to fall back into her stomach and boil there.

“ _Good._ ”

Adora clenched her fists against the table. “No, I want this. I want to be uh…”

“Girlfriends?” Catra’s voice was soft, maybe even reluctantly hopeful.

“Yeah, um if you’re okay with that.”

“Yeah.” Now the hope on Catra’s face shapes itself into a smile. “I am.”

Adora let out a little relieved chuckle. “Okay. Good.”

Catra let her hand fall overtop Adora’s. Adora twisted and interlaced at their fingers. Now would be the time she should say something, use all her knowledge of history and romance to her advantage. Something at least. But her mind is an empty slate with only the feeling of Catra’s skin against her own filling her thoughts. She doesn’t know how she could feel so happy and so awkward all at the same time.

“Can I kiss you?” Adora asked all of a sudden.

“You don’t always have to ask, dummy.” She grabbed a handful of Adora’s shirts and pulled their lips together.

Adora didn’t fight it and let herself move with Catra. Give into the push and pull as she held tight to Catra’s hand and let her other hand drift down Catra’s arm to her side.

When they had to break apart to take a breath, Adora whispered, “I just still can’t believe this is something I’m allowed to do.”

“As your girlfriend, I’m telling you that it's more than allowed.” Catra smirked and pecked at her lips. “It’s highly recommended.”

“Well, I think I trust your recommendation.”

And then they were kissing again. Catra seems to know just how to move to make Adora’s world light on fire. She doesn’t know how one person can feel so good and make Adora feel so good. Adora let go of Catra’s hand and instead ran her fingers through her hair. Teasing the ends between her thumb and index finger. So, so soft. Adora could get lost in the feeling of Catra’s hair. Catra’s lips.

Before she can really think about it Adora felt her arms pulling Catra hard towards her. Catra let out a questioning huff but didn’t fight her. Instead she moved forward to straddle Adora’s lap. To grab ahold of Adora’s face and kiss her deeper. To press her tongue into her mouth. To pull Adora’s bottom lip between her teeth and bite down with just the right amount of pressure.

Adora moaned. It came out loud and unexpected and brought with it another wave of wrongness she can’t push away. So instead she pushed Catra away.

“Are you okay?” Catra’s voice wavered a little.

The answer fell off her tongue fast. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

All the happiness and bliss slipped from Catra’s face. “You know you can tell me things.” She took a heavy breath. “I won’t push you away like I did before. I promise.”

The words ‘I know. I’m fine’ came to the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back. Maybe Catra would know what this feeling was. The wrong. She knew a lot more about this whole being gay thing, and Adora really really wanted to kiss her without feeling this way.

So she finally opened her mouth again.

“I just can’t stop feeling like I’m doing something wrong.”

Catra’s face scrunched in confusion, so Adora rushed to continue.

“Not that this is wrong. This is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. But I just can’t seem to get away from all this shit that I was taught as a kid. All the stuff my foster mom expected from me.”

She was quiet for a moment before answering. “Our parents really messed us up, didn’t they?”

Adora pressed her head to Catra’s shoulder and muttered a “Yes”.

Catra gently pulled the elastic band from her hair although most of the strands had long since fallen out of her ponytail after sleeping in it. Her long nails scratched at her scalp and then worked at untangling any knots.

“Nothing about kissing a girl is wrong,” Catra whispered. “But I get it. Our brains are pretty good at telling us how everything we do is wrong.”

Adora nodded against her.

“It might be good to talk to someone who could help with that… and, you know, about what happened last night.”

Her head shot up. “I’m fine, really. And I have you to talk to.”

“Well yeah, but I’m not always the best to talk to when it comes to figuring out emotions or mental health. I can’t even hold myself together, hence this week’s fiasco.” Catra placed her hands on Adora’s shoulder and pressed down a little, forcing her to really listen. “But I know Perfuma knows some good meditation and mindfulness junk. Maybe tonight we can fill her in and ask—”

“No.” Icy fear started to fill her up. “I mean, can we keep it all just between us? Not the girlfriend’s thing but… everything else.”

Catra sighed. She wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her tight. “Please just think about it.”

Adora forced her frozen limbs to hug her back, letting her warmth melt them. “I will.”

They stayed there together for a while. Squeezing each other tight. Afraid to let go both for themselves and the other. Their chest pressed together and breathing almost synced; fingers rubbing gentle circles over the skin and clothes they held onto.

But eventually Catra spoke again. “As much as I love this, I wasn’t exaggerating about possibly failing my classes. I probably really should go study.”

She slipped off of Adora’s lap but didn’t make any move to get her things and leave. Just stood beside her.

“I could go with you,” Adora suggested, “And we could study together like we used to. I promise I won’t distract you with kisses.”

“Now don’t be too hasty with those promises.” Catra leaned down to peck her on the lips, and then headed over to the ladder. “Let’s get going, princess.”

Together they collected their things and got ready to go. Adora got changed into joggers and a new sweater, but Catra didn’t seem too keen on getting back into her still damp clothes. Instead she stayed in Adora’s sweats and t-shirt. But Adora did lend her a hoodie to help fight off the cold once they were on the road. 

Outside, Adora carried her bike across the rocks and placed it back underneath the overhang of the roof—very thankful that it wasn’t rusted or broken after the chaos of the night before. She met up with Catra at the road. She’d been checking her motorcycle after her own negligence in the storm.

“What if, on our way, we pick up a pie for tonight from Razz’s? It can be part of our apology to Scorpia and Perfuma,” Adora said as she put on her helmet.

“Any excuse to get some pie, right princess?” Catra laughed as she straddled her bike.

Adora slid on behind her. “Don’t act like you don’t agree.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t tease you.” With that Catra started the engine and they headed down the road. And Adora clung tight to Catra without any inhibition. 

They ended up in their normal pile of blankets, studying on the floor together. But before every touch had been reserved. Maybe their legs brushed, or they sat side by side and just maybe, if they had the excuse of exhaustion, someone’s head would fall to the other’s shoulder. But with Adora laying on her stomach and Catra spread across her back with her laptop perched on Adora’s shoulder and her hand reaching down to lace her fingers with Adora’s, all of that had changed.

Even without being able to see her face, Adora could tell just how stressed Catra really was about her coursework. She was tense against Adora and every few minutes she let out a frustrated sigh. Adora couldn’t do her studying for her, but she did her best to comfort her—rubbing her thumb over Catra’s hand and offering an encouraging word between every couple of sighs. Just letting her know that she was here for her.

Catra might be struggling still, but Adora was cruising through her writing. For the first time in a long time she actually had an idea of where she was going with the plot. She and her character in the boat actually had a direction, a way forward. The seagull friend leading the way. Catra leading the way. And each new thing Catra shared with her about her life just was more and more fuel to help her write. And her curiosity to learn more about Catra’s past.

Catra rolled off her back and scooted forward until she could rest her head against Adora’s bicep and look at her laptop screen.

“Can I read this big thing you are writing?”

“You need to study.”

“I’m so sick of studying. I’ve been at it for hours.”

“I know. College sucks, but if you don’t study for at least a little bit longer you’ll only get more and more stressed out.” Adora pulled the laptop from off her back and placed it in front of Catra. “What if you finish reading the chapter you're on then we can take a break. You can read my story tonight.”

Catra pressed her head to the ground and moaned. “Just give me a minute.”

“Do you need some motivation?”

She perked up at that. Listening close.

“You’re sort of in it,” Adora said. “My story. So it’s probably important for you to read it and give your approval before I, you know, try and publish it.”

Catra turned to glare at her a little. “That was not the type of motivation I was thinking of. But that does make me want to read it more.”

Adora leaned forward to press a kiss to her cheek. “Nope, you’re going to have to wait. For both.”

She groaned but redoubled her efforts into studying. After half an hour or so they took a break to eat lunch and then decided cleaning the house might soften Perfuma’s anger with them at least a little bit. Catra worked on sweeping and mopping while Adora wiped down the counter and set to work on the dishes. As Adora worked out the crust of a casserole caked onto a pan with a sponge, thoughts of what all Catra had shared with her over the last twenty-four hours peddled around in her brain. Writing truly had only made her want to know grow even stronger.

“So um,” she started, finally plucking up the courage to start the conversation, “Remember that stuff you said last night that we could talk about later?”

Catra froze mid sweep. She nodded slowly.

“Is it later enough?” Adora asked quietly.

Letting out a sigh, Catra sat down at the kitchen table. “Well we still have a bit before Scorpia and Perfuma get home, and you shared a lot last night. So I guess it is my turn. What do you want to know first?”

Adora sat down beside her, thinking about it for a moment. “What made you change? From what you’ve already told me it sounds like you then was really different from you now. What happened?”

Catra let out a gasping huff. “Going right to the heart of things aren’t you?”

That familiar fear jolted through her body. “I didn’t—you don’t have to—”

“It’s okay, princess. I want to.” Catra paused for a moment, looking down at her hands and flexing them in and out of fists. “I was able to work my way up to the top of the Horde—the gang I first joined back when I was still here, you know. Only this crybaby dude named Hordak was above me. I had power and money and I was never not high, but it wasn’t enough. My therapists said it was because of something like I just wanted to stop hurting and really just feeling. But I guess violence and drugs weren’t the answer.”

Catra laughed, but it was so cold and hollow compared to before. It bit at Adora’s heart, but she knew now was time to wait. To listen.

“So, I made a plan to get to the very top. Hordark had a big brother named Primus that owned a huge national business. When we needed extra money or protection from the law Primus was there and when he needed something shady done, but couldn’t do it himself without tarnishing his good Christian reputation, we gladly took the job.”

“Oh, I think I’ve heard of him,” Adora couldn’t stop herself from interrupting.

“I hope you never tried to go up against him in court. I know of more than one lawyer that had hits called against them when they tried.”

“No, I think Hope talked about him,” Adora said as she scratched her head trying to remember. “She was into a lot of church stuff. I think he was from another church that she didn’t like.”

“Hmm yeah, he was pretty popular.” Catra nodded. “Powerful too. I wanted in on that power. So I decided to stage a coup. I figured I could easily take out Hordak, but then I’d have to deal with big brother Primus. No matter how much I hated it, I needed help. I had three people that I’d brought over with me from Crimsonville. I mentioned them this morning when we were talking about… you know. They worked under me and didn’t have much loyalty to Hordak. Their names were Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle.”

Catra shoulders curled inward. Adora rested a hand on her shoulder hoping to be a grounding force. The use of past tense hadn’t gotten past her.

“I had them sneak into Primus’s offices at night and hack into his records and pull up everything that tied him with our shady activity. That way I could have something to hold against him if he came after me. I told them they could take anything else they wanted as payment.”

Catra’s eyes lost focus as she seemed to drift off into thought. Her body cringed in on itself even more.

“But it didn’t work like you planned?” Adora asked, pulling her back to reality.

“No. The fight with Hordak was rougher than I planned. He had a hidden gun and I took two bullets.”

She pulled up the leg of her sweats and pointed to a thick long scar running along the side of her calf. “One grazed me here and another went in but not out here.” She dropped her pants leg and then pulled at the collar of her shirt until it exposed the circular scar a little below her clavicle. Adora almost reached out and brushed her fingers over it, but Catra let go of the shirt and obscured it from view.

Her words came tumbling out now. “But I got him in the end. Cops came fast to check out the shots, so I had to bolt even though I was bleeding. The trio called me while I was out in the streets. They’d got it all on a flash drive, but Primus had men after them. They wanted my help, but…” Catra gripped onto the edge of the table. “I told them they needed to handle it by themselves.

“I got the bullet out of my shoulder and used my jacket to bandage my leg and then I passed out in an alleyway. I woke up to another call. I-it was Kyle.” Catra's voice started to shake and waver.

“He was frantic. I guess Lonnie and Rogelio had made a stand to fight Primus’s guys on some street and sent Kyle off to get the drive and the things they’d stolen away. They still hadn’t met back up with him, and he sounded scared out of his mind. I asked where he was, and he told me they had gone back to Crimsonville because they’d thought they’d be safe there. He had hidden the drive and everything else and was on the run now. They were right on his tail. I could hear them through the phone.”

Whatever dam Catra had been bracing finally broke and tears started to spill from her eyes.

“They caught him. I heard it. The last thing I heard was him telling me he hid it in the worst place. He kept saying that as if I would understand. The worst place. He begged me to find it and save them. But I just ran. Grabbed the drugs and money I had from a nearby stash and got as far away as I could. They were probably torturing them while I dodged anyone after me and made my way up to the border.”

Shudders coursed through her body, shaking the table and vibrating through Adora’s arm. She wanted to tell it was okay, she could stop. She didn’t have to go on. But Catra wasn’t stopping for a moment, words just kept spilling out.

“I failed them. They’re dead now because of me. I found their pictures in a newspaper later trying to find the names for their Jane and John Doe corpses. I figured I’d done the city a service by taking out Hordak; I might as well remove myself from the game too. I was almost to the border when the drugs ran out. I’d used them all up too fast trying to numb myself out. I was strung out, in pain and still losing blood because I still hadn’t gotten any stitches. I just wanted to die.”

She pounded her fist against the table, not hard, but enough to punctuate her words and make Adora jump a little.

“I ended up in another alleyway expecting to do just that. But as I lay there all I could think about was how this was exactly how Weaver expected me to end up. I’d become just what she said I would. I hated it. I was so, so angry. I couldn’t let her win like that even if she never found out what happened to me. She’d somehow know.

“So I chopped my hair short like this with a knife to try and disguise myself at least a little.” She ran her shaky fingers through her hair. “It used to be long. I’ll have to find a picture and show you. Then I dragged myself to the nearest rehab. I checked myself in with the money I had and the rest I donated. I didn’t want it anymore. Didn’t want to numb out or get well or anything if it meant Weaver won.

“I spent almost a year and a half there, getting clean and going through therapy. Then Scorpia and Entrapta picked me up and helped me get restarted. I’d done so much to hurt them, but they helped me anyway. I didn’t come back here until Weaver died because for some reason hell only knows, she decided to leave everything to me in her will. She left me a letter that might actually explain why she’d give her things to someone she seemed to hate. Or maybe why she even hated me. But I just…can’t open it. I’ve been just trying to ignore it and basically the house, too.” Then she shrugged. “And now I’m here.”

Adora sat still. Frozen. Mind reeling to take it all in. All the new pieces of Catra falling into place with what she already knew. So many things coming to light after so much confusion.

“See,” Catra said. Her already raspy voice almost sounded like she was a sixty year old smoker because of all the talking and crying. “That’s why I said you would never scare me off. I’ve done worse than you could ever do. So much worse.”

Adora took that as her que to finally act. She pushed her chair closer and wrapped her arms around her. “You’re different now though. You wanted to be better and you’ve worked so hard to change. All that time in rehab I’m sure was so hard and lonely.”

Catra nodded a little but didn’t relent. “Doesn’t change what I did.”

“No, but not everything that happened was your fault either. You deserve a second chance just as much as anyone.” She fumbled for the right thing to say. Something to help at least a little. She ran through all the things Catra had said to reassure her until it hit her. “You would say the same thing to me about my mistakes right?”

“Yeah but—”

“No buts. Trust me. If I deserve forgiveness like you say, then the same goes for you. We just have to keep reminding each other. And if people disagree, then I say fuck em.”

Catra laughed and it was real again, pitchy and loud like Adora loved. “I guess you aren’t dumb all the time.” She sniffled back snot and tears. “You sort of sound like my therapist.”

“They seem like a smart person.” Adora smirked down at her.

“Don’t worry, he actually knows what he’s talking about unlike _someone_.” Catra smirked back for a moment before her face got serious again. “I think I need to start seeing him again at least a couple times. He can do video calls, so I won’t have to leave or anything. Maybe I could ask if he knows anyone that you could talk to, too.”

Adora’s body went ramrod rigid. “I don’t think I need to.”

“I think you do, Adora.”

“I _don’t_.” The last word came out with more bite than she wanted, but she couldn’t take it back. She didn’t necessarily want to.

But the way Catra pushed her away and stood up quickly had her regretting it all instantly. But she still couldn’t agree to therapy. That show of weakness to anyone outside of Catra.

“Catra?”

She moved away too quickly for Adora to catch her arm. “I need a moment.”

Then she disappeared into her room. Adora stewed in her seat. She’d messed up again. Things had been good for what? A day? But that’s all it took for her to ruin this good thing she’d started with Catra.

Adora bent forward and pressed her hands to her face. Why did she always have to put her foot in her mouth? She had to fix this but… therapy just felt too heavy. She would support Catra in going, but Adora really could handle her problems by herself. She’d always been fine. Hope had raised her to be fine.

She was fine.

She just needed Catra.

A few minutes later Catra emerged again. She wore her own joggers now instead of Adora’ baggy sweats, but she still had on the hoodie she’d lent her. She leaned against the wall at the entrance of the kitchen. Her sleeve covered hands gripped onto either arm as if she were holding herself together.

Adora stays seated, not wanting to scare her away. “I don’t want to fight like we did before.”

“I don’t either.” Catra looked pointedly away from Adora. “This isn’t going to… break us right?”

“I really don’t want it to.” Adora stood and took a slow hesitant step forward.

Catra met her in the middle—standing in front of each other but still not touching. “Me neither.”

When Adora opened her arms, Catra fell into them. They gripped tight to each other like they had been separated for far longer than a couple minutes. Just standing there, they breathed each other in for a while.

“Can we just table it for now?” Adora asked. “We’re still amped up with everything that happened yesterday and Scorpia and Perfuma will be back soon and we don’t need to figure everything out all at once.”

“Miss Fix It doesn’t want to sit down and work through the problem right now?” Catra mumbled.

“I do, I just…” She let out a big breath, lungs collapsing and making her feel smaller. Catra held her tighter.

“It’s okay. We can talk about it later.”

Adora pressed her face against Catra’s shoulder in response. The conversation had left her tired and drained and she wasn’t sure what was going to help her feel better, but she knew it involved Catra.

“Remember how there were two motivators you promised me?”

Nodding, Adora smiled against her.

“I think I’m ready for one now.”

Adora pulled her head up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Catra kissed her first, pushing her backward until her back hit the kitchen table. With one hand, Adora braced herself and the other cupped Catra’s cheek. She let all the worries and fears fade away, and Catra’s lips fill up all the space they left behind.

“Ah ha!”

They jolted apart, both of them yelping at the sudden sound and scrambling back. But with the table behind, Adora slipped to the floor, dragging Catra down with her.

“Oh no.” Scorpia rushed to offer them both a hand up. “Are you two alright?”

“Alright?” Perfuma scoffed behind them. “I’m sure they're fine. They’ve probably been making out all day. It took them long enough to get their heads out of their asses.”

“Hey!” Catra shouted and rubbed at her newly forming bruises from the tumble.

“Am I wrong?”

Adora and Catra glanced at each other with embarrassment, but when they saw they shared the same expression they chuckled a little.

“So, wait,” Scorpia interjected. “Are you two dating now?”

“Yeah?” Adora scratched at the back of her neck and looked to Catra. When she nodded, Adora repeated herself this time firmer. “Yeah. Official today.”

“DT owes us money then,” Perfuma muttered. “They said you two wouldn’t get together until after the New Years.”

“How much money?” Catra asked while Adora said, “You guys bet on us?”

“Ahh that’s so exciting!” Scorpia ignored the questions and moved forward arms wide to bear hug them, but Perfuma grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“Let’s hold off on the congratulations until after we get our explanation.” She dropped Scorpia’s arm and grabbed a big brown bag from off the ground by their feet. Holding it up for them to see, she gave them a smile. Big and wide and toothy enough that Adora couldn’t quite tell if the feeling behind it was happiness or furious anger. Maybe both. “I hope you don’t mind, we got take-out from Huntara’s. Please grab some plates.”

Then she was off to the dining room with Scorpia on her tail, leaving Adora and Catra to scramble for plates from the cupboards.

“Do you think she’s still mad?” Adora asked. Her hands shook, and the plates she held clattered against each other.

Catra dropped a pile of silverware onto the counter. “Perfuma?”

She nodded.

“Oh for sure. We definitely are making it hard for her to maintain her good vibes.” Catra chuckled. “But I know she’s happy for us too.” She leaned in to give Adora a soft kiss on the cheek. “It’s going to be alright. We’ll tell them together.”

When they all were seated at the table and Scorpia had dispersed the food—a burger for Adora and Catra’s favorite, carne arcade fries (which had to be a good sign)—Perfuma gave them a pointed look until they got the hint and started spilling.

Back and forth Adora and Catra explained what happened—leaving out plenty of details but enough to get the gist. All the while they held hands under the table, squeezing and reassuring. Once they reached the romantic end of their story, Catra clenched her jaw for a moment before speaking again.

“I’m sorry. For everything I said. To both of you. I was wrong.” Another strain and she opened her mouth again. “And thank you, Perfuma. You helped me, well… get my head out of my ass.”

This time when Perfuma smiled it was soft and rounded. Tender.

“I’m sorry too,” Adora said. “I shouldn’t have dragged you into my mess Scorpia.”

“Oh, it's okay. I’m just glad that you guys are alright and your happy and finally dating, because seriously you are so good together and spend all your time with each other and I’m just so proud of you both and—”

“Thanks Scorpia,” Catra interrupted her. “I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Adora squeezed her hand.

Catra gave her a small smile and continued, “But I’ll try to make it up to you. For everything.”

“And to start making it up to you, we brought one of Razz’s cherry pies. Do you think you’re too full or should I go cut it?” Adora asked.

“You should have led with the pie,” Perfuma said. “Of course, we want some now. It’s a Razz pie!”

They each ate a slice or two (or three) and the rest of their evening was filled with laughter and excitement and more storytelling of all the times Perfuma just wanted to lock them into a closet and make them kiss. Adora was in the same mindset as Catra—they still owed their friends more for all they’d done for them—but from their reaction to the clean house and the pie, she was pretty sure they were forgiven.

As they sat with empty plates and full stomachs, just talking about a new series on Netflix, Catra suddenly changed the subject.

“Hey Perfuma, do you think I could start meditating with you in the mornings?”

“Of course. You both are free to join any time.”

“Oh um…” Adora started, “I think I’m okay without it.”

“There’s no pressure. It’s just a way to practice being in the present and learning to control your thought and regulate your emotions.”

Those were things Adora probably needed. But she should be able to just do those things already. She was twenty-five. She should be able to go throughout a day without her own thoughts getting the best of her.

 _You’re not living up to your potential_ , Hope would say.

Glimmer’s voice followed. _You just have to ruin everything._

 _You’re just hiding._ Catra's voice rang in mind. _A coward who can’t even face her own mind._

“Adora?” Catra’s voice—gentle instead of biting—pulled her back into the conversation.

“Sorry. Just thinking. I’ll let you all enjoy your meditating. I usually try to get my workouts started as soon as I can.”

The conversation moved on to something new, but Adora was still left feeling like a failure no matter how tight Catra held her hand. Those thoughts—Catra’s voice in her head—those weren’t real, but it didn’t make them any less true.

“Well, since we sort of missed out on Halloween due to, well, drama.” Perfuma gestured to Catra and Adora’s side of the table. “Do you want to watch something scary?”

Adora and Catra agreed, but Scorpia looked a bit hesitant.

“Don’t worry, honey.” Perfuma stood up and hugged her from behind. “I’ll hold you the whole time.”

So they all found themselves curled up on the couch binging the Haunting of Hill house. Scorpia lay her head on Perfuma’s lap and spent most of the show turned and pressing her face against her stomach instead of watching. It took a moment for the other couple to find a comfortable position—but what started off awkward and too far apart ended with Adora sprawled across the couch on her back and Catra draped on top of her, each jump scare bringing them closer and closer.

And when the movie ended and Scorpia and Perfuma headed off to bed, Catra and Adora might have spent a while longer enjoying each other’s lips before going to sleep. They didn’t get around to reading Adora’s story, but that was okay. They would have the next night or the next. Adora fell asleep easily despite all the fear and worry and guilt that still lingered, because Catra was holding her and she was holding Catra with no intention of letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we got fluff and more backstory trauma and a little bit of new conflicts mixing in. How yall feeling? What are your thoughts?  
> Feel free to give me your ideas and suggestions. I'm pretty likely to add it if I can 
> 
> Thank you everyone that commented and gave kudos. I hope you didn't give up on me after the long wait. I'll really try to not do that again
> 
> fic playlist--> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9


	14. Talk to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> Talk to Me-- Cavetown  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/7mLIL4OdNdwFcGNlTcWa0c

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the delay again. School, applying to grad school and my own writing and construction projections really have me burning out. But it's long again so that should make up for it. 
> 
> I have some important questions and stuff so check out the notes at the end after reading!

_You don't have to be a hero to save the world_

_It doesn't make you a narcissist to love yourself_

_It feels like nothing is easy it'll never be_

_That's alright, let it out, talk to me_

_Anxiety tossing turning in your sleep_

_Even if you run away you still see them in your dreams_

_It's so dark tonight, but you'll survive certainly_

_It's alright, come inside, and talk to me_

_We can talk here on the floor_

_On the phone, if you prefer_

_I'll be here until you're okay_

_Let your words release your pain_

_You and I will share the weight_

_Growing stronger day by day_

Around fifteen pushups in Catra stopped. It wasn’t because she’s too tired—she might not be as big as Adora, but she was still strong. She rode a damn motorcycle, she had to be strong enough to lift that thing back up if it falls. So the reasons she stopped working out and instead laid on her stomach resting her head on her arms had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a set of thick biceps. Her girlfriend’s biceps. Adora continued to push herself up and down, taking short breaks between reps to rest on her knees or do a plank—too focused to notice Catra watching her.

It was part of their new routine they were still trying to figure out. Catra would join Perfuma in meditating every other day and on the off days she worked out with Adora—running, pushups, squats the whole shebang. It meant a lot of driving back and forth between the house and the lighthouse, but Catra and Adora were used to that anyway.

And it felt good. More than good. Out of the seven days they’d been together only two nights had been spent in separate beds—they’d always been so close to staying over before the storm so it was just a natural step now. She hated the nights apart though, even with their usual video call. She’d never imagined being with Adora could ever really happen, but now that it had she couldn’t go back. She wanted those same biceps wrapped around her every night.

Shit, how did she become this co-dependent?

If Adora ever did decide she didn’t want this, how would Catra survive? She couldn’t sleep by herself anymore. How would she go about her daily life—working and eating and sleeping and watching stupid tik toks—knowing that she’d lost Adora. Knowing she hadn’t been enough to make Adora stay. Knowing that a monster like her could never deserve Adora anyway. Knowing—

“You okay?”

Adora’s voice jolted her from her thoughts. Adora had stopped doing pushups and instead sat crisscross on the floor next to her, eyebrows scrunched with worry.

“You’re biting your lip really hard,” Adora continued.

“Oh.” Catra released her lip from between her teeth as she spoke and felt it throb. She had let herself start to spiral. Again.

 _It's okay to let yourself be happy and excited for the future,_ her therapist had reminded her in their first session back. _Try to direct your thoughts away from catastrophizing. Trying to anticipate and run from every bad thing that could happen to you means you run from the good things too. Try instead to enjoy the present._

Adora still looked concerned. A hand outstretched just slightly. Always so ready to help and fix.

“Sorry, I got lost in thought.” Catra pushed herself up off the floor to sit instead.

“Bad thoughts?”

“It doesn’t matter. They were just thoughts. I’m here now.” She said it out loud, but really it was a reminder for herself. She had to be present. Not for herself, but for Adora.

“You finish your workout?” Catra asked.

Adora shook her head. “I have burpees left and then stretching.”

Catra leaned over to peck her on the lips. “I’ll make breakfast while you finish.”

“I can see through your excuses. You’re just afraid I’ll be able to do more burpees than you.” Adora’s smile was too smug to tolerate.

“Oh yeah?” Catra cocked an eyebrow. “And remind me who was it that beat you in our little race down the beach the other day? Or did double the sit ups you did during that last competition? Or—”

“Okay, okay I get it. My girlfriend’s hot and super athletic. Stop gloating and make us breakfast.”

Catra laughed as she stood. She’d never get tired of teasing her. 

The bottom floor of the lighthouse was all open except for the bathroom, so as Catra dug through the fridge (to which she’d actually added food to cook with over the last week) trying to figure out what to make for breakfast, she could hear Adora’s panting and huffing as she jumped around doing her burpees.

Catra eventually settled on scrambled eggs and toast. She set to work but continued to listen to Adora, every once in a while casting a glance back at her.

She was working herself harder than usual. Harder and faster as she jumped and dropped right back down into another pushup. Her normal breathing pattern grew more and more erratic. This had been steadily getting worse the last couple days.

Catra knew how stressed Adora was. She’d have to be an idiot not to see it. She pushed herself too hard when working out. Throughout the day her hands would start to shake, and her eyes go distant when there was nothing to actively do. And at night it took longer and longer for her to fall asleep. Catra dreaded her own nightmares waking Adora from the little sleep she seemed to get. Thankfully, Adora never stirred when she burst awake in a fit of shallow breaths and sweat.

If she had to guess, Catra would say that at least part of Adora’s stress had to do with the construction on the lighthouse. Winter was coming fast and there still was a lot of work to do. The weather kept Adora from doing what she needed to do too often and having a new girlfriend who was probably being too clingy didn’t help either. On top of all that, she hadn’t stopped dropping hints about helping Catra with Weaver’s house too. Adora had too much on her plate.

The problem really was that construction was only one side of Adora’s problem. There was more. Catra didn’t know it exactly what but she knew enough to see that Adora really needed help from someone much better than Catra. But guess how much progress she’d made in convincing her of that.

Yeah, zero.

Adora would share bits and pieces with her—things Hope had done like forcing her to give up her stuffed unicorn when she had deemed too old for the comfort toy or making her attend church camps every summer—and Catra loved that Adora trusted her with at least that. But the damage that brings you to an edge doesn’t go away just like that. Catra knew there was more Adora was keeping repressed inside. Like the reasons why Adora sometimes froze up when they kissed or how she practically threw herself at Catra’s feet ready to be trodden over at the slightest hint of a puddle Catra might step in.

Or how she continued to do burpees until she looked like she was ready to pass out.

“Hey princess, why don’t you go and take a shower really quick.”

Adora stopped mid burpee. “But—”

“I don’t want to eat with you when you’re all stinky. Breakfast will be all done by the time you’re out.”

She held her frozen position a moment longer before relenting. “Well I guess I’ll get a workout from construction today.”

“Then get to it.” Catra pointed her spatula at the bathroom.

Adora jumped to attention and ran off to get a change of clothes.

Catra sighed to herself. Adora would listen to that, but whenever Catra brought up therapy she was a stubborn ass. Not that Catra brought it up all that often after their first fight about it. She tried to be subtle about it, but nothing worked and if she pushed any harder then this perfectly amazing ‘one good thing in her life’ thing might shatter. So Catra was left floundering helplessly watching Adora suffer.

Worthless. Useless. Adora must think she’s so weak. A mess who needed the help that Adora thought she was above. A disaster. Not worth—

Catra gripped the handle of her spatula harder, scrambling the eggs with a little more strength and trying to redirect her thoughts back to breakfast and away from the spiral. She could practically hear Mel, her therapist, saying that thoughts like those didn’t help her or Adora.

She heard the shower kick on and Adora’s quiet singing echoed through the house. Catra knew she probably could use a shower too. She was tempted for just a moment to turn off the burner and go join Adora, but she shut that thought process down fast. They hadn’t gone any further than just sleeping in all their nights together, and that was alright. This was new for both of them, especially Adora, and Catra _really_ didn’t want to mess this up by rushing.

So she’d stay a little bit stinky. It would be fine. Catra moved the eggs and freshly popped toast to some plates and then climbed up to the bedroom to steal a change of clothes from Adora. Some of her own clothes had migrated into Adora’s disaster of a clothes organization system, but Catra preferred Adora’s sweaters and hoodie more than her own.

When she got back down, Adora was out and drying her hair with a towel. “It smells good.”

“That’s because I actually use seasoning and stuff when I cook, princess.” Catra knew her smile ruined the jab, but she didn’t really care because Adora just looked so goofy with her still damp hair strewn all around her face and her nose sniffing the air.

Catra put their plates on the table and sat down. Adora sat down beside her, not waiting a second before she was shoveling food into her mouth. “Okay that was one time. And the chicken still tasted alright.”

“Stars, you are soooo white.”

Catra chuckled at the glare Adora shot at her—she really couldn’t be that intimidating with her cheeks all pushed out with food. Adora tried to glare harder, but Catra just set to eating her own food.

A couple bites later Catra asked, “What’s on your agenda today?”

Adora with her mouth full. “I’m still working on that west facing wall. All the wind and water damage really messed up the framing, so I have to tear out the rotten pieces before I can put the insulation in and put the walls back up.”

Catra cringed. It was a lot for one day especially with only one person. But Catra had already missed so much work. She knew Scorpia didn’t want to be pushy, but she’d mentioned the stacks of paperwork were starting to get dangerously high. If Catra didn’t start coming more consistently it would probably end in an avalanche of paperwork.

“My app said the weather is supposed to be clear all day today,” Catra said. “So when I get off this afternoon, I’ll come back and help you finish.”

“That’s only if I’m not finished by the time you get back. Maybe then we can finally watch one of my horse movies.” Adora’s smile was honest—no shaking or shallowness that sometimes gave away Adora’s self-sacrificing—but that only worried Catra more. High expectations and denial mixed together would eventually leave her with disastrous fall out.

“Maybe I can get off a little early. Or I could bring some of the paperwork home to do tonight.”

“No, no.” Adora said suddenly. “You don’t need to do that. I can handle it.”

Catra’s face must have given away how unconvinced she was because Adora continued.

“I’ll be fine, Catra. I promise.”

She sighed but relented with a nod. How do you help someone who doesn’t think they need it?

They finished their breakfast with their normal banter and flirting—no longer having to be hidden in jokes and fast comments though there wasn’t a lack of those things either. Adora took their plates when they were done and started cleaning them while Catra put on her jacket.

She stepped up to Adora and pulled her in for a kiss. “I’ll see you later, princess.”

Adora kissed her again, deeper this time, and Catra almost forgot all the worries lingering in her mind. There were no dark pasts or uncertain futures when they like this.

When they broke apart something wet splashed across her face.

Catra squealed and leapt backward. Adora erupted into laughter, plunging her hand in the dishwater and pulled it out ready to flick the suds at her again. But Catra dashed to the door before she could get to her.

“Remind me again why I stick around for this abuse?”

Adora held out her dripping hands and approached slowly. “Because you liiikkkeee me.”

“Keep that up and I won’t much longer!” Catra opened the door and moved behind it as a protection against any wet projectiles. But then she opened it again slightly. “Seriously though Adora, call me if you need help. I can always ditch work.”

“I will, I will.” Adora waved her away. “Have a good time at work. Don’t let DT flirt with you _too_ much.”

“You wish,” Catra said, her words dripping with smug sarcasm. She closed the door and headed towards the road.

But as she got onto her motorcycle and drove farther and farther from Adora, the worry all returned. It overwhelmed her more and more. Adora would be fine, she tried to reassure herself. They didn’t have to be together all the time. Adora was going to be okay alone for a couple hours. It was only a couple of hours. Catra kept driving, sending up a silent prayer to whatever was above that this wouldn’t be the time that she was wrong.

It took all of Catra energy to keep her head from falling against the desk. Three hours of working and there were still piles of files and documents and receipts left to go through. But all she wanted to do was go back to sleep.

She’d actually gotten some sleep last night. She always did when she was with Adora. The night before that though Catra had to do homework and Adora wanted to work more on her story, so they had slept apart. Well, they spent the night apart; Catra didn’t sleep.

The nightmares hadn’t used to be this bad. They had been sporadic, only brought up when something triggered a memory or a spiral. But after telling Adora about her bloody past—all about the people she failed so miserably—Catra couldn’t seem to put those thoughts and memories back into the box she’d hidden them in for so long. Without Adora’s arms around her and the rumble of her snores, it all just came back. Spewing like poison in her mind. Kyle’s voice and Hordak’s screams and the pictures in the newspaper. All mixing with the darkness of the closet or Weaver’s harsh voice that never seemed to leave her.

Telling Adora had been right. She couldn’t regret it when all she wanted was for Adora to be open. But how could she help Adora get better if Catra barely had a grip on herself? 

She finally did let her head fall, and she groaned loud against the wood of the desk. She really should bring this up in her next therapy session with Mel, but no matter how much she trusted them, Catra knew telling them meant owning up to it. It meant having to dig through that scarred infected part of her and trying to heal it. She’d much rather not deal with all that and go back to forgetting it all. 

Pushing up from the desk, Catra stood and stepped out of the office. She needed a break. Outside only a few customers wandered the aisles—the usual for a Thursday afternoon. She spotted DT leaning against the cash register, scrolling on their phone.

Catra plastered on a confident smile and made her way over to them. Rejecting their flirting would be just the thing to make her feel better.

“Looks like you’re working awfully hard there.”

DT’s eyes locked onto her and a wicked grin split across their face. “Well I have to get my drama fix from somewhere. You’ve been absent.”

“Some of us actually have things to do besides just sitting around watching other people live, DT.”

They pouted. “But Kitten, your life is full of so much juicy action. You can’t expect me to not be rapt. I heard from the rumor mill that you and a certain blonde have been spending an awful lot of time together.”

Catra did her best to hold back a growl. “Is the rumor mill’s name Scorpia?”

Her and Adora’s relationship wasn’t a secret per say, but Adora always seemed a little finicky when she brought up sharing or when they went out in public (which had been next to none anyway). Catra understood though. No one else really needed to know about them. Adora was her girlfriend. No one else’s.

“Once that girl gets busy with unloading the shipment packages, her mouth starts running and doesn’t stop. I lost fifty bucks because of all this you know. I truly thought you oblivious lesbians would take far longer to get together. I hoped for that actually. I love to see the gay yearning. But I just have to know,” they leaned into Catra’s space, a huge grin on their face, “how did it happen? Which one of you broke first and confessed your love?”

“Love—it’s—we’re not—” Catra sputtered. “It’s none of your business.”

They threw back their head and laughed. “It was you wasn’t it? You practically just shouted the answer to the heavens. And if I’m not mistaken, you’re in denial about just how much you care about our darling Adora. You’re not fooling me though. I can see it in those eyes of yours. Love has made you all soft and tender.”

This time she didn’t hold back her growl.

“By the stars kitten, I am so glad you moved back. I’ve missed you.” They winked.

Maybe coming to talk to DT was a bad idea.

“Now, don’t get jealous,” Catra said, trying to regain control of the conversation. “Remember, I’m taken.”

They draped themselves seductively across the cashier counter. “That hasn’t stopped me before. We both know that I’m an excellent thief in more ways than one.”

“We both know I was always better.”

“Oh, I do admit you are good with your hands.” They waggled their eyebrows. “I hope you’re putting them to good use.”

Catra’s cheeks went red, but still she snapped back, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Behind them a customer ‘hmphed’ as they waited to be helped. Catra took the opportunity and made her retreat.

But DT called after her as they started to scan the customer's groceries. “Don’t think you’ve escaped. You’ll give me all the details eventually.”

Hiding from them gave Catra all the motivation she needed to get back to work, hoping that the dull documents would distract her. Love and sex and commitment were all things she wanted with Adora, but Adora was… well, Adora. Too good compared to Catra’s dirty, selfish self. Catra didn’t think she could survive a rejection if Adora didn’t want it all like Catra did. So she’d hold off and hold back. Take everything that Adora gave her and just be happy that she got beyond being just friends.

Catra forced herself to focus on work (and avoiding DT) for the rest of her shift before sneaking out the back and making her get away.

It had started to rain again sometime in the afternoon. Catra ran across the rocks and up towards the lighthouse as fast as she could. She hoped that Adora had been able to at least get some work done before she had to escape the weather.

Inside Catra dropped her keys on the table and started to take off her jacket. The room was empty. “Adora, I’m back,” she called.

But no answer came from the 2nd floor.

Fear began to thrum through her veins. Bolting to the ladder, she climbed to Adora’s room. It was dark and empty.

“Adora?” she shouted again, voice cracking with fear.

The silence shifted the fear to full blown panic.

Hands shaking, she climbed up to the lantern room. Flashes of Adora at the edge filled her head. So close to the drop. Too close. Ready to step forward. Ready to fall. Ready to—

Catra shoved the hatch open. “Adora don’t!”

A flock of seagulls squawked and flapped away. Catra’s eyes blinked at the sudden rush of motion, but when it all settled there was no sign of Adora. A sob cracked in Catra’s throat. She ran to the edge and looked down, circling to see from all angles. There was no sign of a red jacket or blonde hair. No body on the rocks. Could the waves have taken her away?

Tears fell in torrents. Catra knew she shouldn’t have left Adora alone. She knew Adora hadn’t miraculously gotten better just from a kiss from a girl. But Catra had still left her.

She had to find her.

Catra slid down the ladder and ran out the door. Adora’s bike was leaning up against the side of the house, so she hadn’t left. But there was no sign of her down at the beach or around the tide pools. Catra circled the house around to the back and leaned over the edge of the cliff. The waves still crashed against the rocks, but the tide was low and weak. Probably not strong enough to pull a body away.

Why hadn’t she called to check on her? Why hadn’t she thought of that? Adora was supposed to be busy doing construction but she always stopped to answer her.

“Adoraaaa!” she shouted.

A dull groan echoed in reply.

She ran towards the sound. Hoping against hope, she careened around the corner of the round lighthouse walls. A section of the siding had been ripped off to reveal the framing and trusses inside. And there was Adora.

Her arms shook violently as they gripped against a piece of the wood frame above her and held it up like some sort of Atlas. Adora looked up at her and gave a faint smile before grunting and gritting her teeth.

“H-hey Catra.”

“Shit Adora, what’s going on?” Her hands moved almost without her control to cup Adora’s cheeks and brush her fingers against skin that looked far too pale.

“The framing… had water damage… needed replacing,” Adora panted. “But when I took it out… the other diagonal support beam… this one started to collapse. So I’m holding it up.”

“How long?”

Adora didn’t answer and instead looked down at her feet.

So too long.

“Okay scoot over I’m taking over.”

But Adora shook her head. “The moment I let this go… I’m going to collapse.”

“Exactly! Let me hold it.”

Still, she wouldn’t move. “No. Look behind you… I already cut the new beam. I just need you to nail them in… I can hold it until then.”

“Adora don’t be stupid—”

“If you h-hold it then you’ll get trapped too. I won’t be able to lift the new stuff to r-replace it. _Please_ Catra.”

The desperation in her voice made Catra flinch. But she dropped her hands and turned to the pile. “Fine. But tell me the moment your vision starts to go black or you get lightheaded.”

Adora nodded, groaning a little as she readjusted her grip.

Catra moved as quickly as she could. She placed the first beam with some small directions from Adora and used Entrapta’s nail gun to nail it into place.

“Okay I think you can let go now.”

Slowly, Adora lowered her arms. The walls creaked as they settled onto the new support beam, but they didn’t collapse. Adora on the other hand, tumbled into Catra’s outstretched arms. She lowered her gently to the ground and eased her back against a solid section of wall. Catra’s hand came back to Adora’s face, trying to get her eyes to refocus.

“You still with me Adora? What can I do? What do you need?”

It took a moment, but Adora’s eyes eventually centered on Catra’s. “I’m fine. I just need to sit. But I need you to put the other beam up. My arms—” she tried to lift them and winced when they moved just an inch. “I can’t do it, but the wall needs to have both supports.”

“I should get you out of the rain—”

“I’m okay. Please.”

Catra hated it but she couldn’t say no.

The second beam took longer to put up—half in part because she had to pull the old one out and get it into the tighter position than the first and the other half because she spent more time checking on Adora than watching what her hands were doing.

When the wood was in place Catra helped Adora to her feet. They threw up a tarp although Catra did most of the work. Adora tried but her arms were pretty useless. Catra held tight to Adora as they walked to the house even though Adora’s legs worked just fine.

Inside Adora went to climb the ladder, but Catra held her back.

“What are you crazy? You can’t even lift your arms. I’ll bring you down some dry clothes.”

“I can—”

Catra clenched her teeth and pushed Adora away from the ladder—not hard but still firm enough to make her point.

“I will be right back.”

It only took a minute to get the new clothes and rush back down, but the panic rekindled and burned hotter every second they were separated. She stood right outside the bathroom door as Adora changed and relieved herself. It wasn’t rational. Catra knew that. But it felt like they had been so close to disaster again. So close to the edge even though Adora hadn’t even been near it. Catra’s body was still catching up with the idea that Adora was safe.

When she was dressed, Catra dragged her over to the table and had her sit down.

“When was the last time you ate?”

Adora waved her hands weakly, trying to dissuade Catra. “Breakfast was big. I’m fine.”

But Catra was already digging through the fridge. She found enough to make a sandwich and put it together without a word. Adora stayed quiet behind her too, but she could hear her fidget and bounce her knee.

Catra laid the plated sandwich on the table in front of her. “Eat.”

Her shoulders drooped a little, and Adora picked up the sandwich with resignation. Catra watched her closely, making sure she finished every bite before taking the plate and washing it in the sink. Then she turned around, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed.

Adora wilted under her gaze. “I’m sorry—”

“What exactly are you apologizing for, Adora?”

“For everything. For making you rescue me again.”

Catra huffed and pushed off the counter. She started to pace back and forth. “I don’t care about rescuing you Adora! I just wish that you hadn’t needed rescuing in the first place.”

“I thought I had it handled.”

“What part of replacing huge support beams seemed like a one person job?”

Adora flinched. “I didn’t want to bother you. I knew you had a lot of work to get done. And you’ve been tired too. I know you’ve been having a rough time even though you try to hide it, so I didn’t want to add any more to your plate.”

“But I still told you to call me if you needed help. I _told_ you it would be alright. Or you could have called Scorpia or Perfuma? You know they have offered a hundred times to help.”

Adora’s face contorted in discomfort. “It’s bad enough that I have to ask you for help. I don’t want to drag anyone else into this.”

That set Catra seething with anger. “Do you just want to prove that you’re strong or something? You don’t have to prove that. I already know how buff and handy you are. But what would have happened if you hadn’t been able to hold it and the walls above collapsed on you. Or if I hadn’t found you in time?”

“I was doing fine until the wood started to give out. By then it was too late to call anyone.”

“But you knew that was a possibility.” Catra’s voice grew louder, more unstable. “You knew that the wood was bad. Why couldn’t you just wait?”

“I thought I could do it by myself,” Adora cried back.

“You don’t need to!” Catra stepped right up to Adora, her hands fisted at her side to stop herself from grabbing and shaking her. But Catra didn’t want to hurt her. Not like she had before. She spoke again, but her voice was soft and wavering. “Why are you like this? Why won’t you let anyone help you? Why won’t you talk to me about what’s wrong?”

Adora stared at her, wide eyed and opened mouthed. “I…I just… In my head…” Her head fell towards her chest, and she gripped her knees so tight she probably was forming bruises. Even without seeing her face, Catra could hear the tears in her words. “I don’t know.”

Catra rushed forward to wrap her arms around her, pressing Adora’s face against her chest. Adora’s tears came more freely, but the words and explanation seemed to stay stuck. Still held back by something. Catra rubbed her back and held her tighter. She wanted to reassure Adora that everything was alright, but it wasn’t. Things couldn’t keep going this way. If Adora kept doing this, she’d self-destruct.

Shuddering, Adora sucked in a long breath. “I’m sorry. I want to talk to you. I do.” She pressed her head against Catra’s shoulder. “I know I need help with the construction, but I… I can’t ask.”

Nodding; Catra let that settle. It was progress. Not enough, but a step in the right direction, at least. She released her from the hug and sat down in the chair beside her. “What if we ask together?”

Adora hummed hesitantly, not convinced.

There had to be something else to push her over the edge. Some sort of motivation. What drove her most?

“How about this, if you let Scorpia, Perfuma, and I help you with construction on the weekends until winter hits, then I’ll…” she sighed. If she wanted Adora’s stubbornness to give a little then Catra’s had to too. “Then I’ll let you help me with Weaver’s house.”

Adora perked up. “Really?”

Catra nodded. She was already dreading going inside again, but with Adora maybe it wouldn’t be so awful.

“Okay,” Adora said more to herself as she took a deep breath and wiped away the remnants of her tears. “I think that sounds good.”

Catra scooted her chair closer. “Are you okay if we call them now?”

Adora gave a nod and a shrug.

So Catra pulled out her phone and called up Scorpia, who of course was enthusiastic as ever to hang out with them and help. They set plans for her and Perfuma to come that Saturday so Adora would have all day the next day to prepare for them to come over. They chatted for just a bit longer before getting Scorpia to say goodbye.

Immediately Adora wrapped Catra in a hug—not as tight as usual but Catra would give her a pass after the day’s events.

“Thank you,” Adora whispered.

“You’re welcome.” Catra pressed her nose into Adora’s shoulder and breathed her in. She shuddered, a tinge of that blind panic resurfacing.

“Catra?”

“Don’t scare me like that again.” Catra gulped down the ache in her throat. “Please.”

Adora found the strength to hug her harder.

“I’ll try. I really am sorry.”

Try was better than nothing. “Just know that I’m here for you even if it’s hard.”

“The same goes for you.” Adora pressed a kiss to the side of her neck, long and soft and drenched with exhaustion. “Even if it’s hard.”

Catra tried not to melt into a puddle, focusing instead on helping Adora feel better. “How are your arms feeling?”

Adora moved them around a little before hugging her again. “Still tired, but better. Why?”

“If you can climb up the ladder, I’ll finally watch your dumb horse movie with you.”

Her whole face lit up with a bright smile. “I’m always down for a challenge.”

Getting up the ladder was a slow process, but Catra was right below Adora ready to catch her if she fell. Eventually they were both up and cuddled in bed watching the movie on Adora’s laptop.

And if they got distracted by a more fun activity a couple times, Catra wasn’t complaining.

That Saturday morning, Catra set her alarm to wake her up earlier than she and Adora normally did. When her phone started to vibrate, she turned it off fast, rolling over to see if she’d woken up Adora. Thankfully, she only snored and rolled over, but didn’t open her eyes. So Catra sat up, stretched, and slunk to the kitchen.

As she walked down the hallway, she rubbed her eyes and yawned. Mornings were not her favorite, but she was getting used to them given that she spent every morning with early riser Adora or meditating with Perfuma.

Speaking of, Perfuma was already in the kitchen pouring tea. Catra joined and made up two cups of her own. They talked for a moment, getting everything planned for their day.

“I’m going to bring this to Adora and then I’ll be out to join you,” Catra said.

Perfuma nodded and headed towards her studio.

Catra carried the two mugs back to the room. This was all part of her plan. Placing the cups on the bedside table, Catra crawled onto the bed and draped herself over Adora.

“Mmm what time is it?” Adora groaned. Her arms pulled up around her lethargically.

“Time to get up. I brought you some tea.” Catra slipped off her, so that Adora could sit up.

Catra grabbed the cups and handed one to Adora. They both took a couple sips in comfortable silence.

“You should skip your workout today,” Catra finally said. “Scorpia just had to run and get a couple things set at the store, but she’ll be right back and then we can head over to the lighthouse.”

Adora seemed to take that as a reasonable trade and continued to sip. She went to lean against the headboard, but Catra grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet.

“I’m going to meditate with Perfuma until Scorpia gets back.”

Catra didn’t exactly ask if Adora wanted to join her as much as pull her along. But Adora was still lethargic from sleep and stuck close to her side. Catra pulled them down the hall to the studio.

Perfuma was already in her meditation position on the mat. Adora let go of her hand when Catra moved to join her. While Catra got situated, Adora sat against the wall.

“Remember to keep working on focusing on your breathing, Catra.” Perfuma’s eyes were already closed. “Learning to narrow down to just one thing in one moment will help you have better control of your thoughts.”

Catra hummed an affirmation and started to slow her breathing. But she didn’t let herself get too drawn in. She listened closely to Adora fidget and shuffle around beside her.

After a little while she spoke up. “You getting bored, princess?”

“No, no. I’m fine.”

The octave change in Adora’s voice was enough to tell Catra she was lying.

“You could join us, Adora,” Perfuma said.

Catra opened her eyes and watched Adora try to shrug off the offer. “I don’t think I could sit still like that doing nothing for so long.”

“But we aren’t doing anything.” Perfuma gently pushed. “We’re practicing mindfulness. It’s like exercising your brain.”

“Huh.” Adora stopped her uncomfortable retreat and instead moved closer. “Really?”

Catra would have hugged Perfuma for being a freaking genius, if it wouldn’t tip off Adora. They were so close to getting her to take another step in the right direction.

“Our thoughts tend to run around uncontrollably—stressing about the future, imagining the worst outcomes, regretting the past—and then we miss the present.”

Adora nodded as Perfuma spoke.

“But by meditating, we are able to practice being in the present. You focus just on breathing—like I was telling Catra—paying attention to how your body feels and nothing else. It will give you better control of your mind.”

“Okay,” Adora said as she sat down beside them both, copying their position. But while they sat tall and relaxed, Adora’s back and shoulders were stiff and rigid.

“This isn’t the military, princess. Still sit up straight but you don’t need to be so tense.”

Adora rolled her eyes at Catra’s teasing but took a long breath and let her shoulders smooth out and hands fall loose in her lap.

“Now just close your eyes and focus on your lungs expanding and constricting,” Perfuma instructed.

Catra listened too, and they all sat quietly together. This time Catra let herself be immersed in the moment. Her chest expanded to capacity and then slowly, slowly collapsed as the air left her lungs and blew past her lips. In and out. In and out. In and out. Just like she heard Adora doing next to her. Her breaths came forcefully. This probably wasn’t easy for her. But she needed it.

Adora needed help. No matter how much she denied it. If Adora stayed on the path she was on she’d only end up back underneath a beam ready to crush her or collapsed from exhaustion in the middle of the road or on another edge.

That’s why Catra was pushing her. That’s why Catra had gone back to therapy. She had to fix herself so she could maybe finally be worthy of Adora. To be there for her when she needed it too. In their last session, Mel had reminded her that it was alright to want to get better for herself, but Catra couldn’t manage that right now. She didn’t matter as much as Adora.

Beside her came a huff of frustration. Catra opened her eyes, again to see Adora sag a little.

“I don’t think I’m doing this right. I can’t stay focused.”

Catra reached out to grab one of her hands and squeeze it gently. “Hey it’s okay. I get distracted too.” She had been very distracted just barely actually. “It takes lots of practice to be as good as Perfuma.”

“I’m still working on improving too.” Perfuma smiled at them both. “Meditation isn’t about beating yourself up when you get distracted but learning to recognize when you do and then refocusing without self-judgment. Over time you will get better at catching yourself sooner and sooner. And that’s where the practice starts to pay off. You’re not going to stop yourself from ever having bad or triggering thoughts, but you can learn to turn away from them and come back to the moment instead of letting them spiral out of control. Eventually it will come naturally to pull away from unhealthy thoughts.”

“Oh,” Adora said. Catra could see the gears working in Adora’s head. “It’s like muscle memory. But instead it’s in your brain.”

“Exactly,” Perfuma said. “Why don’t we try again?”

Adora nodded, and they all closed their eyes together. Catra and Adora kept their hands intertwined. And as she drifted in the moment maybe Catra’s thoughts shifted from her own breathing to the sound of Adora’s and the feeling of her fingers and skin. When her mind shifted to some other anxiety or fear or task she needed to do, she did just as Perfuma said: as soon as she recognized it she gently re-centered her thoughts on Adora.

After a while the door opened, and they heard someone lumber through the house. Just outside the studio, Scorpia whispered, “Hey guys, I’m back. I’m going to go and get changed, but then I’ll be ready to go whenever you are.”

Catra opened her eyes and spread her arms out in a stretch. “Adora and I need to go get changed too.” She rose and offered Adora a hand up.

They watched as Perfuma went through a series of complex yoga moves as she rose.

“I don’t have to do that too, do I?” Adora looked between her and Catra with wide eyes.

“No dummy.” Catra pulled on their still connected hands, dragging her out of the studio. “We’ll leave all that extra crazy stuff to Perfuma.”

“It’s not crazy,” Perfuma shouted down the hall after them, but they only laughed.

As they dressed and got ready for a day of working, they joked about what doing yoga would actually be like. Catra thought that maybe Adora’s smiles came a bit easier and her body held a bit less tension.

“So what did you think of meditating?”

Adora went silent.

Catra bit her lip and looked away. The moment really had been too good to last. Here’s where the Adora would push away again.

“I... um liked it.”

Catra swiveled around to look at her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Perfuma’s really smart with all that stuff.” She paused for a moment, toying with the zipper on her red jacket. “I would uh, I mean only if you don’t mind, but I want to… I mean I’d like—but again only if it doesn’t bother—”

“Adora.” Catra planted her hands on both of her shoulders. “It’s okay. I’d like it if you joined Perfuma and I again.”

She smiled and it was big. Not just literally big, but there was something more behind it. Something big and so warm it made Catra skin burn. Full of too much for her to try to understand. Well maybe she could try to understand it, but something behind her own chest was rising to meet it. Before anything came pouring out of her mouth, Catra stepped back. Still she grabbed hold of Adora’s hand—she couldn’t stand true separation.

“Let’s go fix up your tower, princess.”

Adora followed her without any hesitation. That burning smile still on her face.

They all drove over at the same time, Adora and Catra on the bike and Perfuma and Scorpia in their car. When they arrived, Adora went right to work getting all the tools and supplies ready. The rest of them tried to help as best they could, but she moved around so fast and erratic they couldn’t really get in a helping hand.

“So I’ll help you all pull off the next sheet of siding,” Adora said as she clipped on her tool belt. “Then I’ll take measurements of the beam and cut new ones from my fresh timber. And then we’ll replace them.”

Before they could say anything to that, she was already working at getting the siding off. They all jumped to help. With four of them it took hardly any time at all to detach the old frail section of wall.

Adora grabbed the measuring tape from her belt and took the measurements. “Okay you guys wait here I’ll be right back with the new—”

Catra caught a handful of Adora’s jacket before she could run off. “Hey hold up. You don’t need to do everything by yourself.”

“But—”

“No buts. Don’t you remember why we are doing all this?”

Adora's face went somber. Catra cringed a little—she didn’t want to make Adora feel bad, she just wanted her not to put all the work on her own shoulders.

She raised her hands as if she were approaching a wounded animal. “Why don’t we do it this way—we split into two groups. You’re the only one who knows how to man the saw, so you’ll have to do that. And…” Catra tried to figure out where she was going with this. She didn’t really want to be separated again, but there didn’t seem to be any other option. “I’ll stay and keep tearing off the siding since I know what pieces still need to be done. Scorpia will stay with me and Perfuma will go with you.”

“That sounds good to me,” Scorpia said, and Perfuma echoed her consent.

Adora shrugged in defeat but didn’t argue. She and Perfuma moved off to the saw set up under the eve of the house. Catra heard it roar when they turned it on while she and Scorpia went to town tearing down the old sections of wall.

“So…” Scorpia tore one big piece off. “How have things been going? I haven’t seen you almost at all this week.”

She shrugged. “Sorry. I’ve been good, uh really good actually. Just busy.”

“Oh I know. You have plenty to be busy with.” Scorpia threw a glance over her shoulder at where Adora and Perfuma worked.

Catra looked away from them all to hide her blush.

But that didn’t stop Scorpia. “I’m happy for you though. You two can’t seem to stay away from each other. You already spend so many nights together you might as well just move in here.”

“I mean that’s a lot of commitment for only being together a week. I still have my room at Entrapta’s to think about. And I’m not a U-haul lesbian.”

It’s not that she hadn’t thought of that. Or that she’d say no if Adora asked. But she just couldn’t be the one to suggest it. Because what if Adora said no? What if it all was moving too fast and Adora got cold feet? Catra would much rather stick with the back and forth they had now.

“I mean you guys have basically been a couple in everything but name the last month or so,” Scorpia said.

Catra shrugged. “We haven’t even gone on a real date yet.”

Scorpia fixed her with a knowing look. “Well maybe you need to fix that.”

She went back to work, but Catra stayed still for a moment longer, running that over in her head.

The day wore on and together they were able to get all the old beams and then the siding replaced. There was still more to do—trim, calking, replacing some of the windows, and more on the inside—but it was more progress than Adora had made in a long time. And the whole time Catra couldn’t stop thinking about what Scorpia had said.

When the sun started to set, Perfuma and Scorpia made their exit after Adora had bombarded them with thank you’s and promises to pay them back in yard work and pies and favors. When they finally escaped, Catra and Adora waved goodbye from the hill of the lighthouse.

Catra knew she needed to ask. She really should have asked forever ago, she had just been so caught up with getting to touch Adora, to call her _her’s_.

But when they went inside, what came out of her mouth instead was a suggestion that Adora take a shower before they have dinner.

“What, you don’t like my stink?” Adora approached her with her arms out wide.

“I like you, not your stink.” Catra shoved her away. “No cuddles tonight if you don’t go shower,” she added for good measure.

That had Adora moving fast, leaving Catra to kick herself for her cowardice. While Adora showered, Catra worked on dinner. Then they switched so that Catra could get clean. All the while Catra tried to figure out how to say it. How to string words together. How to ask such a simple question that really shouldn’t be this scary. Adora might be nervous about others knowing about their relationship but a date didn’t have to be public or a big deal or anything. She wouldn’t say no.

Right?

They ended up in the upstairs room, working on their homework and writing while they finished their pasta. They’d done it a million times but Catra still couldn’t really believe how much infinitely better it was now that they could cuddle without reservation.

But she still hadn’t willed herself to do what she needed too.

Adora must have gotten to a stopping point in her writing—Catra had given up on her own homework a few minutes earlier when she couldn’t get her eyes to focus anymore—because she closed her laptop. She pulled Catra up from where she had lay on her stomach and nuzzled into her hair.

“Thanks for helping me today,” she whispered.

Catra giggled a little at the tickle of Adora’s breath. “Of course, dummy. You don’t have to do things by yourself anymore.”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” Adora sighed.

The light happy mood went serious just like that.

“What have you been thinking?” Catra asked, hesitant and trying not to let her hopes get too high.

Adore didn’t answer. She was holding her breath. Catra could feel her hands grip tight to her back.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Catra held her tighter. “You can talk to me. It’ll help you feel better.”

Adora finally released her breath. “I guess I’ve just been thinking about it a lot and... maybe the reason why I don’t like needing help is because then that means I need help.”

Catra sat up a little and looked at her with a deadpan. “I’m not following.”

Adora groaned. “I don’t know how to explain it. It just feels wrong. Like I’m failing.”

Memories of all Adora had shared with her filled Catra’s head. All the pressure to perform. To save the firm. To do it all by herself.

Catra laid back and let her head fall into the crook of Adora’s shoulder. She couldn’t stop herself from pressing a kiss to her neck, wishing she could take away all those bad thoughts. But she was just as helpless in doing that with Adora as was with her own mind.

“You don’t have to be perfect okay? I promise.”

Adora didn’t melt into the touch like she always did. “I just feel like I have to though. I-I can’t control what my head thinks.”

“Did the meditation help at all?”

That earned at least a small reaction from Adora. She leaned into Catra’s touch.

“A little.”

Catra took the opening and went with it. “Meditation helps me a lot. Therapy does too.”

She braced herself for another argument, but instead she got arms pulling her closer and dragging their blanket over top of them.

They stayed like that for a while longer—holding each other tight as if they’d lose the other the minute they let go.

Catra suddenly yawned wide and loud—the work of the day and spotty sleep at night was catching up to her.

“If I were to—hypothetically—ask,” Adora said, “Would you tell me about why you haven’t been sleeping very well?”

Catra’s muscles all coiled ready to run. Talking was what got her into this mess in the first place. And Adora was giving her the space to say no if she wanted too. There wasn’t any real pressure.

But there was so much quiet hope in Adora’s voice. Adora was letting Catra help her, and she was moving forward every day towards being better. Catra could do the same too.

“If you were to—hypothetically—ask, then I would hypothetically answer that I’ve been having nightmares.”

“Like the ones you’ve had before? About Weaver?”

Catra shook her head. “I still get those a little but they’ve been about something else.”

She waited for Adora to ask another question, but she stayed silent—letting Catra control what she would and wouldn’t open up about.

“I keep reliving little moments of that night I told you about. My failed coup. Or sometimes they’re of things I didn’t see but I guess my head can imagine how bad it was easily enough.” Catra fumbled to find some sort of landing point with all this. A way to make Adora not worry as much. “But when I’m with you, I can always calm myself down enough to fall back asleep.”

“When you’re alone?”

“I don’t.”

Adora tensed beneath her. “Catra how can I help you? I don’t want to just assume what you need, but I want to do something.”

“I mean, I’m fine. I don’t think there’s anything—”

Adora squeezed her a little. “Please, Catra. You help me, I help you, remember?”

Adora had a point, but was the vulnerability worth it? Catra sighed. “If I were to wake you up for just a second—whether it’s by a phone call or when we’re together—would it bother you too much to distract me from all of that so I can fall back asleep? Not every nightmare, just... sometimes it takes a lot longer to calm myself down and I feel sick. But only when it’s like that would I wake you up, and that doesn’t happen all the time so you’d still be able to get plenty of sleep.”

Adora waited patiently for Catra to finish. Then she said, “It wouldn’t bother me at all. You can wake me up any time, even if it’s something small.”

Catra went a little limp with relief. She had been hesitant, but still knowing she could turn to Adora when the nightmares were overwhelming her was a comfort she hadn’t ever really expected.

Adora continued. “Don’t worry about my sleep. I can always take a nap if I need it.”

“I have never once seen you take a nap without me making you.”

“Well I’ll start tomorrow then!”

Adora’s exclamation made them both laugh—all the tension giving away and feeding the laughter until they lay spent and quietly catching their breaths.

“Thanks Adora,” Catra eventually mumbled.

Adora started running her fingers up and down Catra’s spine. “Thank you too.”

They lulled into silence again. With Adora’s hands on her back and warmth on her front, Catra started to feel herself drift off.

But now was her chance. Catra had to ask before the moment faded or one of them fell asleep.

“Adora?” she whispered into her neck.

“Yeah?”

“Will you… will you go on a date with me?”

Adora barked out a short laugh, and Catra felt like someone had dropped a bucket of ice water on her.

But before she could push up and off her, Adora gripped her tight. Catra fought against her.

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry! I just—” she laughed again. “You came out of nowhere with that. I wasn’t expecting that at all.”

Catra stopped squirming. That did make sense. “What the hell Adora? That’s, like, the worst way you could have responded.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Of course I want to go on a date with you! Why would I say no?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Catra growled. “Why would you laugh when I asked?”

“Are you ever going to let this go?”

“Hmm no.”

Adora groaned and yanked Catra fully back down against her. Catra went easily and when Adora’s lips kissed her cheek, she chuckled.

“You trying to kiss your way out of this, Princess?”

Adora mumbled a “maybe,” and kissed her cheek again and then her jaw. Just under her ear. Down her neck to the column of her throat.

All attempts at keeping up her faux discontent ended about a second in.

“Fine,” Catra said, her voice breathy and her thoughts hard to keep together with Adora’s lips still tingling on her skin. “I’ll let it go only if you promise to let me plan this date out in secret. No questions asked.”

That got Adora to stop—not that Catra wanted that. “Why?”

Catra was glad Adora's face was still against her neck, so she couldn’t see her blush. “I just want it to be a surprise. To be, um… perfect, you know?”

Adora sucked in a sharp breath of air, and Catra just knew she was about to say something gushy.

“Don’t be sappy or I’ll take it back,” Catra rushed to say.

Adora's mouth snapped closed. But only for a moment. “Alright, you can keep it a surprise, but only if I get to plan a surprise perfect date too.”

Catra pushed herself upward, so she was braced above Adora. A shit-eating grin on her face as she said, “What, you think you can do it better?”

Adora grinned right back. “Is that a challenge?”

With Adora looking at her like that, suddenly that ice bucket feeling was all worth it. It burned tight in her chest like laughter and happiness and lo—

An idea occurred to her.

“What if we make a deal?

“Another one?”

Catra nodded. “If I plan a perfect date for you then you will go try one session of therapy.”

Adora started to argue, but Catra rushed to finish.

“AND if _you_ plan the perfect date then,” Catra gulped a little. “We can read Weaver’s letter together. You can keep me from doing something crazy after we finish it like go find every dealer who will sell to me or burn the house down or something.”

Adora worked her jaw in thought, obviously torn.

So Catra pushed. “Perfuma can help us find the perfect therapist, and I can prep you so that you know what you’re walking into. And it’s not like you’ll be alone in doing it. I’m going to sessions too. So it’ll be like we are doing it together. Getting better together.”

Still Adora stayed silent, thinking it through. Catra’s arms started to shake—from exertion or nervousness she didn’t know.

Finally, she spoke. “I’ll get to help you?”

Catra nodded slow.

Then there was another beat of thinking.

“Okay.” Adora smiled, hopefully and courageous and so full like before. “Let’s do it.”

Catra let herself fall down against her again and kissed her hard. 

They both smiled into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off what did you think? What do you want/think will happen with their dates? Gave you another mix of fluff and angst. That's what you'll be getting for a handful more of chapters until the ending starts up. 
> 
> I've had two really awesome people make art for this fic that I wanted to share with you all.  
> Here's one by Bonpop on tumblr they made of a scene from chapter 12 (I posted here on my tumblr)  
> https://ecrooked24.tumblr.com/post/636183626078371840/heres-an-amazing-piece-by-bonpop-of-chapter-12
> 
> And here is a link to dragon-loves-books' art of Hot Lady Knight Catra and Princess Adora  
> https://dragon-loves-books.tumblr.com/post/631163597196853248/the-lighthouse-by-ecrooked24-is-one-of-my
> 
> Next thing is this fic is a lot darker than I initially realized. Do you think I should change the rating to M or do you think T is still okay?
> 
> Would anyone be interested in doing something like if I get to a certain amount of hits or kudos I'll post a sneak peak of the next songs or a snippet of the story?
> 
> Okay that's all. I don't know when the next update will be because finals are coming up and I'm still applying to grad school but know that I am still working on it and I have no intention of dropping this piece unless I die. Thank you for reading!
> 
> fic playlist--  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=6W0fW6e5QWWZ3tQaZJcCF


	15. I Belong To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra's PoV
> 
> I Belong to You - Brandi Carlile  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/1g3ZcTXYefhBrsNwTitiFL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delay but I'm paying it back with this long chapter is fluff central. So get ready for date number 1

_I see the world the exact same way that you do_

_We lend our hands and take our stance_

_In tandem when we do_

_But I lied and said I knew the way_

_I hid my eyes from you_

_I still don't know why I probably didn't want to scare you_

_I know I could be spending a little too much time with you_

_But time and too much don't belong together like we do_

_If I had all my yesterdays I'd give 'em to you too_

_I belong to you now_

_I belong to you_

When Catra got in the car she had no idea where they were going. Adora came behind her to close the door with a little flourish and rushed around to hop into the driver’s seat.

Adora’s hands hovered over the wheel, and she chewed her lip as she gazed out the window with a blank stare. Her fingers and mouth twitched a little as if she were running through a list in her head.

“We missing anything, princess?”

Adora jumped a little, but then flashed her smile that made Catra burn.

“Nope. We’re ready.” She turned the key and Scorpia’s subaru came to life.

Catra reached for the aux cord, but Adora snatched it before Catra could. She looked up at her confused as Adora plugged in her phone.

“I made a playlist for our trip. I can’t believe I almost forgot. It took me like three hours to make.”

Catra scoffed but it came out far too amused and soft to really be considered a scoff. The music started playing, and Adora put the car into reverse. They pulled out onto the street and headed towards the highway with “Francis Forever” by Mitski starting up over the speakers.

So maybe Adora had actually done a pretty good job of making the playlist. It probably had been part of all her secret plot. The plans that Adora had gone above and beyond to keep Catra from discovering. She’d only got one tiny glimpse of the plan board Adora kept hidden in her suitcase when Catra was around. It had been covered completely by pictures and papers with strings of yarn and little pins connecting them. Scorpia and Perfuma had helped her—Catra hadn’t been able to stop herself from eavesdropping on their little scheming sessions, but she never was able to catch anything that was helpful in figuring out Adora’s plans. Catra still was stuck in the dark.

As much as she didn’t like going into this blind, she was ecstatic about Adora no longer having something to distract her. It seemed like any time they were cuddling, cooking, studying or anything, Adora got lost in her brain thinking about this date. And Catra was finally ready to know what Adora had planned for her perfect date, so that Catra could outdo her on her own date. That’s what her plan was all along (or at least that’s what she told Adora when she somehow lost rock-paper-scissors two out of three. She had to save her pride somehow).

They talked and listened to the music as Adora drove. Catra did her best not to think about what this date would mean. What she had promised to do after. She just wanted to enjoy this. Being on an actual date with Adora. Finally.

Catra couldn’t help but let her eyes drift a little. Adora had dressed up for the date. Her dark gray sweater clung to her arms and shoulders. Catra traced the outlines of muscle definition. She’d seen it all without the obstruction of fabric but having it all hidden while still so plainly there was driving her a little crazy. Adora had brought a nice jacket—one she’d never worn before—and slung it over the back seat to wear whenever they got to where they were going. It would cover her up even more, but just imagining how the white and gold accents would look with blonde hair and blue eyes and soft pale skin, Catra knew she wouldn’t be any less distracted.

At least she wasn’t the only one. Catra didn’t miss the way Adora’s eyes flashed from the road over to her, setting little trails of flame up and down her body. Catra had never really tried to dress special or anything for Adora—she’d never felt like she needed too. But she figured she would at least put on a nice top and wear something other than her normal leather jacket. Adora definitely seemed to like the flannel jacket and the black high collared shirt with the window cut out at her chest that Catra had chosen.

“Hey dummy, I know I’m hot but you have to keep your eyes on the road.”

Adora’s eyes snapped forward. “Sorry, sorry!”

A blush spread fast across her cheeks and down her neck and probably even lower, obscured by the sweater. Catra couldn’t stop herself from imagining it.

Adora glanced back at her with anxiety, and Catra realized she still hadn’t responded.

Catra pushed Adora’s face so she was facing the road. “Focus Adora.” Catra made sure her tone was light so Adora could tell she was teasing. She had done it to keep them from crashing and definitely not to hide her own blush from almost getting caught with her own… distracted thoughts.

With both of them thoroughly flustered, Catra rushed to change the subject.

“What did you do, go through your gay music awakening? Every song on this playlist is super gay or written by a gay.”

“There’s more than just that. There’s like rap and punk stuff that you like too. I just know you like all the Hozier stuff.”

Catra gave her a knowing look.

“Okay,” Adora exclaimed, “I like it too. “

“Oh I’m not surprised. I have impeccable taste.” Catra smirked and preened.

Adora shoved her shoulder while still keeping her eyes on the road. “And you say my head is big. I was only going through all your playlists to make a perfect playlist for you. I plan on spearheading my own gay music awakening thank you very much.”

“Oh princess if you leave that up to you, you’ll only be listening to Taylor Swift. I got to introduce you to the iconic stuff like Melissa Etheridge.”

Adora shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Okay oh great wise music master, tell me what the most homoerotic music is.”

Catra cackled, all ready to dive right in to educating her poor baby gay girlfriend, when Adora’s phone started to ring.

The call was restricted, but Catra knew what that meant now. Adora still got calls every once in a while-- there would be nothing for days and then three times all in one night. She was surprised Glimmer and Bow hadn’t given up already. She wasn’t sure what that said about the situation, but she knew Adora took it for the worst.

“Sorry,” Adora mumbled, reaching down to end the call. All the excitement and cheeriness drained from her leaving, shaky hands and slumped shoulders.

“It’s okay.” But really it wasn’t. Catra seethed. The music started again, but Catra didn’t sing along.

How could Glimmer have done all that to Adora? Leave someone so kind and happy and giving like this. Afraid and hating herself for things that weren’t her fault. Glimmer was lucky Catra didn’t know where she lived or else she’d find herself with a knock on the door and a fist in her face.

But you hurt Adora too.

Catra cringed. How was she any different from Glimmer. Glimmer’s words had sent her to the lighthouse, but Catra’s had sent her to the edge.

You’re worse. You’ve manipulated her into dating you.

She gripped the arm rest tight, digging her nails into the leather. She tried to breath, to regain control before she spiraled. She hadn’t made Adora do anything. She chose this by herself. She wanted Catra. She said so.

You don’t deserve her.

She tried to call up things that Mel had said in their last session. Just because she had made mistakes didn’t mean she couldn’t be happy now. And she imagined Perfuma taking her through a breathing exercise. Pushing Weaver’s echoing voice away. She was gone. Dead. Catra told herself her opinion didn’t matter. Tried at least.

Catra released her grip on the leather and rubbed at the little marks she had made. Scorpia and Perfuma probably wouldn’t notice. Adora still looked tense beside her, driving silently with her shoulders hunched forward. The song changed and Catra started to sing along. Letting it flow over her and drown out her thoughts.

As the miles went by and Catra kept singing, Adora eased back into her chair until the tension in the cable was replaced by a comfortable quiet.

When one of her favorite King Princess songs started up Catra sang out louder, her voice filling the car. Really it seemed like every song was one of her favorites. She wondered how long Adora had spent trying to put this all together. Catra only had seen Adora listening to music when she was around others.

She perked up a little when she heard another voice join in the melody. It was quiet, almost a whisper, but Catra could just hear it over the music.

Adora sang.

She didn’t miss a single word.

Catra didn’t say anything—didn’t stop singing either. She knew if she did, Adora would probably get embarrassed and quit altogether. And Catra never wanted her to stop. Especially when she knew what it all meant.

Adora hadn’t just made the playlist of her favorite songs, she’d learned them for her.

They sang and drove and teased each other as they got closer and closer to the city. Somewhere along the line Adora reached over and took hold of Catra’s hand, resting them together on her thigh.

This was infinitely better than their last long car ride.

Catra kept an eye on the exits and streets Adora took as she drove. She was half expecting her to turn towards Entrapta’s, but she headed further East. Catra opened her mouth to ask again where she was taking her, but when she looked at Adora she snapped her mouth closed again.

She had stopped whispering along to the music and instead chewed on her lip. One of her hands fidgeted on the steering wheel while the other twitched in Catra’s. That was probably the only thing keeping her from biting her nails.

“I bet you wouldn’t be so nervous if you just told me where we were going,” Catra finally said.

“Wouldn’t that be great, ruining the surprise and finding out you hate my idea before we even get there.” Adora shrugged and tried to put a joking lilt in her voice, but Catra could still hear the shaking in her voice. So this was more than jokes now.

Catra squeezed her hand gently. “You know I’m going to like whatever you have planned, right?”

Adora kept her eyes fixed on the road, biting at the skin on her lip so intensely Catra thought it might start bleeding. She was trapped in her head. Catra felt like an idiot. This was their first date and Adora’s first date with a girl and, from what Catra had gathered, one of her first dates in general. Of course Adora would be freaking out like this.

Leaning across the console, Catra pressed a kiss to her cheek—driving safety be damned, she didn’t want Adora feeling this way and she felt awful for not noticing it sooner because she was too caught up in herself. Adora jumped a little, but then pushed into the touch and stopped chewing on her lip.

As Catra pulled away, Adora sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make your date all about me.”

Catra groaned. “You’re really going to make me be all sappy, aren’t you?”

“What—”

“This date isn’t going to be perfect because of whatever you have planned. I mean I’m sure it’ll be great, but what I really care about is being on a date with you. You’re the important part.” Catra stopped herself before she let anything else too revealing spill out.

Still, the way Adora’s eyes shined with tears as she looked at her made her want to say more, to put to words what she’d been harboring in her chest for weeks.

Instead she shoved Adora’s face again. “Eyes on the road princess, I’d rather not end up in the hospital.”

Her face snapped forwards, but her eyes still flicked back to Catra. “I’m really happy to be with you too, Catra.”

That made her resolve to hold back stutter again. She was getting too close to dangerous things and their date hadn’t even really started yet.

Catra folded her arms tight around her chest. “Okay no more sappiness. You were trying to defend your Weird Al Yankovic phase before all this started.”

“And I was being very convincing.”

“You one hundred percent were not.”

Adora threw her head back to laugh and just like that they were back in their pattern again. Catra stopped paying attention to the roads and turns and focused instead on Adora—the way her hand was sweaty against her own, the way the light made her blue eyes look icy, and how her voice rose and fell in pitch as she tried to tell stupid jokes.

She didn’t notice they had arrived until the car pulled to a stop. Catra looked up at the sign on the parking garage.

Her eyes went wide as she gawked. “An art museum?”

Adora’s hand pulled away and pressed both her hands against her eyes. “Shit, I knew this was a stupid idea. We can go somewhere else—”

“No wait.” Catra circled her hand around one of Adora’s wrists, urging but not forcing her to drop her hands so she could look at her. As they slowly fell, Catra intertwined their fingers again. “I want to go, I promise. I just wasn’t expecting this at all.”

“Entrapta told me that you would talk about going to the Bellevue Arts Museum all the time, but never actually went,” Adora said timidly, but the panic was draining from her eyes.

“You really did your research huh?” Catra chuckled instead of letting herself dwell on how Adora’s care and attention tore at the walls in her chest again.

“I want this to be perfect,” Adora said, “I have the tickets already.”

Catra grinned. “Then what are we waiting for?”

They separated for only a moment to get out of the car before coming back together so they could both huddle under Adora’s umbrella as they walked out into the slushy rain. The museum was just a little walk from the parking garage.

“There are ink and watercolor exhibits right now that I thought you might like.” Adora’s hand shook the umbrella hand as she spoke. “What, uh… what do you think?”

Even from across the street, Catra could see the signs and displays. Her body almost buzzed with energy, wanting to get closer and look at it all. She couldn’t imagine what actually going inside would be like. She hadn’t let herself get this excited about art in… well since before she fell in with the Horde. It had been an escape from Weaver and a world that didn’t seem to care about her. But it hadn’t been enough, and drugs eventually took its place. Did she even deserve to get this back after all she’d done? To be normal and happy again with hobbies and everything? What if she had changed too much and it was lost to her anyway?

The shaking of Adora’s hands got stronger, and Catra realized that she hadn’t spoken in too long. She turned to smile up at her—Adora didn’t need to know all that was going on in her head. Catra would enjoy it just because she was with Adora. That was all that mattered. “I think you’re walking too slow.”

She grabbed Adora’s hand and the umbrella at once and hauled her across the street. It took a second for Adora to shake out the water from the umbrella while they stood under the entrance way, but then they were in and rubbing warmth back into their hands—thankful to be out of the wet cold outside. Adora handed off their tickets and guided her to the first display.

That was the last time Adora did any of the directing. Catra pulled her from one display to the next, soaking in the lines and color and detail of each piece before the draw to see more was too irresistible and she was dragging Adora along to the next only to be enraptured again. They were silent until Catra heard Adora chuckle almost silently when they approached a new watercolor.

“What?” Catra squirmed a little under her gaze. She had almost forgotten that Adora was there. Watching her. Witnessing her act like a dumb kid in a candy shop. And then laughing at her. Catra tried to keep herself from growling. “What’s funny?”

Adora must have seen some of the anger in her face, because her own went a little white. “N-nothing.”

Catra glared a little harder.

“It really was nothing. Your eyes just got really big when you saw this display. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them that big except for maybe after we kissed the first time. It was really cute.”

Catra dropped Adora’s hand and folded her arms tightly. “I’m not cute.”

“Okay, okay, you’re not cute,” Adora said and then mumbled something under her breath. It was too quiet for Catra to catch but it wasn’t hard to guess she had called her something worse, like adorable. Catra shoved her a little, and Adora laughed. “Chill. What do you like about this piece so much? It doesn’t seem to be that different from the rest.”

Catra felt her eyes go wide again but she couldn’t help it. “Are you kidding? Look at how the artist used white space. Only like three strokes of the brush and you have a whole scene. And there’s all this emotion captured in the simplicity of it.”

Adora looked a little closer, but her eyebrows still scrunched in confusion.

So Catra pointed at and slid over to the next painting. “And look at how this one is all about the spread of water across the page. It carries the color with it. Doing this takes so much forethought because you only have so much control of the water.”

They moved from display to display—Catra talking about each piece wishing she had been there to watch it be painted and Adora asking questions but mostly just listening. When Catra managed to pull her eyes away from the art, she usually found Adora watching her with that burning smile Catra couldn’t ignore instead of looking at the art.

But with the smile and the art and the nostalgia Catra couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed by it. She had only hoped upon hope that it could ever feel like this again, but as soon as Adora had asked the question it was like a dam had broken. But that description wasn’t quite right. She’d gained something not lost it. But it was something she’d held before and it knew her-- melded to her comfortably like a favorite pair of shoes. In the past there always had been the shadow of Weaver hanging over it, but there was a girlfriend behind her smiling and filling her with a feeling Catra still wouldn’t name.

Reaching down, Catra reconnected her and Adora’s hand. Completing the circuit and only making the feeling only burn stronger.

They walked to another room of the museum, ready to explore the ink and pen exhibit. Catra started to make a beeline for the nearest display, but Adora tugged at her hand. When she flipped around, she saw that, actually, Adora was just frozen—her eyes locked on something in the distance.

“Adora?”

She jolted and her eyes flashed to Catra’s face. Then down to their intertwined hands. Too many emotions in her eyes to read. All of them bad.

Adora pulled their fingers apart. The circuit was broken, and Catra’s breath hitched at the loss. It burned. It burned up her arm and to her chest. Not the good kind of burn that Adora usually brought but something that tore and ate at her. Fear, that’s what it was. Why had she looked at her like that? Why was she doing this? Catra looked down at her empty hand for a second but when she looked back up at Adora she was gone—she only caught a blur of her headed towards the front of the building.

Seems she finally sees you for what you are. A disgrace.

Tears gathered at the corner of Catra’s eyes and she shook her head. What had she done? She’d screwed this up somehow. Or maybe Weaver was right and Adora had finally realized what kind of a person she was dating. Catra’s hands shook violently. She wrapped them around her forearms and dug her nails into her skin. How could Catra act so carefree and happy with so much blood on her hands? Maybe Adora finally could see the stains and didn’t want it to spread to her own. The fear only raged stronger in Catra’s chest along with Weaver’s voice.

You don’t deserve her. She left you. It was inevitable.

A scoff from somewhere behind her caught her attention. Catra turned around and saw a middle-aged woman with short brown hair and long sharp features. Features that were twisted in disgust.

Some of the burning dissipated, replaced by an anger that was only controlled by concern for Adora.

Catra flipped her off (she wanted to do something worse but couldn’t waste the time) and earned another scoff, before running off in the vague direction Adora went.

But the only person in the lobby was a receptionist sitting behind the desk. Catra ran up to her.

“Did you see a tall blonde girl go by here?”

The receptionist just pointed. Catra followed her finger to the far wall—and the bathrooms.

“Thank you,” she said, already running off.

As soon as Catra opened the door, she saw her. Adora paced back and forth in front of the mirrors and sinks, chewing her nails on one hand and pulling at her hair—destroying her poof—with the other.

Catra let the door close behind her. It thumped as it shut and Adora’s eyes locked onto her. She realized it was Catra and not some other museum goer immediately, but the anxiety on her face didn’t go away.

“Catra!” She dashed over to her but stopped a few feet short. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that was so dumb. The way you looked… I hurt you. I’m just so, so stupid.” She tore at her hair harder, blonde strands falling against her face.

Catra tried to step forward to stop her, but Adora stepped back. The painful fear in her chest, resurfaced with a roar. But when she saw tears start to form in Adora’s eyes, all thoughts went back to helping her.

“I ruined your date,” Adora sobbed. “I messed it up all because I can’t control my stupid mind and fears. And that probably was awful for you and I totally understand if you want to leave and—”

“Adora please stop,” Catra finally interjected.

Adora stopped tearing at her hair and let her hands fall to her sides, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Can you do some of the calming breathing exercises that Perfuma taught us?”

Adora nodded slowly and took a deep breath.

“Good.” Catra breathed with her, counting and signaling when it was time to release and start again. With each breath she moved forward until there was only an inch of space between them.

She lifted her arms, but before she moved any closer, she asked, “Is this okay?”

Adora nodded again, and Catra pulled her into a hug. That last pulsing echo of fear faded away.

“It’s okay Adora. I’m not upset. You scared me for a second, but then I realized what was going on. This is all that asshole lady’s fault not yours.”

Adora shuddered. “She… she just looked s-so much like Hope.”

Anger and realization flared up inside her. Catra held Adora a little tighter. Their stupid fucking mothers couldn’t just leave them alone could they.

“She’s not here, and if she was, I’d kick her ass for this. No one should be able to get away with making someone feel like this, especially if all they are doing is holding hands.”

“I shouldn’t care what she or that random lady or anything thinks. But…” Adora trailed off. Catra could feel how her shoulders sagged.

“But you do. It’s okay. Getting over what we are taught growing up doesn’t come all at once. You’re working on it, right?”

Adora nodded against her shoulder. “But I want to be ready now. I want to be able to hold hands with you and kiss you in public and not freak out when someone looks at us sideways. I-I belong with you and I shouldn’t care what others think about that.” She let out a long sigh. “I just wanted this date to be perfect.”

“I already told you dummy.” Catra pulled back, braced her hands on Adora’s shoulders, looked her straight in the eyes. “It’s perfect because it’s with you. I don’t need to hold your hand if that’s not going to work. We know who we are to each other and that’s most important. We can go back out there and enjoy the rest of the museum without holding hands and still have fun. Or if you want, we can be done, and I’d be satisfied either way.”

She couldn’t help but smile at how Adora visibly softened at the words—brows unfurrowing and teeth letting go of her abused lip. Sappy Catra strikes again.

“But you didn’t get to see any of the ink art.”

“All I want is to spend time with you. What do you want, Adora?”

She tried to hold Adora’s gaze, but she looked off at something by their feet. “I want to hold your hand. I want to watch your face light up as you look at each piece of art.” Another long breath. “I want to go back out there with you.”

Catra’s solid grip over her own emotions stuttered and loosened at the earnestness in her voice. Burning burning burning warmth filled her eyes and chest. Wanted. She was wanted. And she wanted. She wanted to finally speak this thing she was feeling. Give it the name she had been denying so long.

But Adora’s eyes were still fixed on the ground, so she didn’t see any of those damning emotions on Catra’s face.

Adora continued. “What if we hide. Don’t let anyone see us. Then we can hold hands and I won’t freak out and…” Adora pulled one hand up to rub at the back of her neck. “Man, that sounds so stupid.”

It definitely wasn’t conventional, but nothing about their relationship seemed to be.

“You may be a dummy, but you’re not stupid.” Adora’s face twisted up in confusion, and Catra smirked at her. “I think it’s a good idea. We could make it like a game. Like we’re spies or thieves or something.”

Finally Adora smiled again. “You sure?”

“You know me. I love a challenge.”

She took Adora’s hand again. Really she’d do anything to help Adora—all the rest was just perks.

She let Adora take the lead and guide them out of the bathroom and back into the exhibits at her own pace. They hid behind displays, crouched and peered around corners, trying their best to keep their laughter suppressed all the while holding hands and seeing who could sneak the most kisses. Catra whispered into Adora’s ear all about her favorite pieces they found and made jokes about the unaware patrons.

When they spotted the same asshole lady again, Adora stiffened. Catra squeezed her hand and leaned in close. “I wonder if that nasty look on her face is permanent or not. But judging by the sweat stains I’d say she just forgot to put on deodorant and can’t stand her own smell.”

Adora giggled and then covered her mouth quickly, ducking to hide before the woman could see. They waited in hiding until she left and then burst into laughter.

They continued to play their game as they finished looking at the exhibits, but Adora seemed more comfortable after that. Less jittery and panicked when someone happened to catch sight of them. All the while, she never stopped smiling that burning smile.

Catra knew her face probably didn’t look much different.

When they had seen everything, they ran out to their car—still playing the game. In the garage, Adora did a spy somersault and came up to duck behind an SUV. Catra could not stop laughing even as they got into Scorpia’s car and Adora started the engine.

When she could finally talk normally again, Catra asked, “So back to Crimsonville?”

“Not quite yet.” Adora put the car into reverse and started to pull out of the garage. Then she smirked at her. “We have one more stop and don’t even ask because I’m not telling you. Your perfect date isn't over.”

Catra huffed but couldn’t help but smile. She liked this confident Adora that seemed to be appearing more and more often. All the communication and reassurances and meditation sessions with Perfuma even were scary and hard, but little by little they seem to be paying off. 

Adora took them back towards the coast, slowly moving away from the city and onto the winding highway and thick green woods. Music played and Catra got Adora to tell her all about the progress she’d made in her story. Catra had read it by now and was more invested in it than she had ever been in a short story. She thought it was complete, but Adora went on and on about how she wanted to tighten up the framing and make more of the action concise. And working in the deeper theme was a whole other tirade. But Catra didn’t mind listening at all really. It was nice not to be the one info dumping this time.

Adora made an unexpected turn off the highway and on to a forest road. It was asphalt at first, but quickly changed to dirt.

“You ever been down this road?” Adora asked.

Catra looked at the window and tried to find a landmark she’d seen before, but it was all unfamiliar. “Nope, I think that was a bit out of my high school exploring range.”

“Perfect.”

Catra waited for Adora to give her any other bit of information, but she kept quiet. So instead Catra looked at the forest passing by. It grew thicker and darker here farther inland. Sporadic little pockets of snow shined white in all the green. It must have snowed a little bit, but rain had come since and melted everything that wasn’t protected by some covering.

The road got bumpy at the end, and Catra had to brace herself to keep from being tossed about. “You better not wreck and get us stuck out here, princess.”

Adora was too focused on the road to really comment, just giving a grunt and tightening her grip on the steering wheel. Scorpia’s car had four wheel drive-- probably why Adora had specifically asked to use that car for the day-- but it still shooky and rattled as it went over the bumps and divots of rocky road.

Eventually the road-- though Catra wasn’t sure it merited that name at this point--came to an end, and Adora parked. Catra could see a trail head sign.

“Are we going hiking?”

“Yup.” Adora said, popping the p. “I know you’re going to like this part. Trust me.”

She hopped out of the car and let in a breeze of cold air. Catra shivered in her seat.

Adora continued. “You stay there. I’ll get our coats and stuff from the back.”

Catra watched her through the window, running to the back, popping the trunk, and grabbing their stuff before coming back. She tossed half of it at Catra.

“Bundle up,” she said with a big smile.

Catra rolled her eyes as she started to pull on her gloves. They both put on their thicker jackets and wrapped scarves around their necks—Catra even had a nice beanie that covered her ears. Once she was all ready, Adora jumped out again and came to open Catra’s door.

“Wow such chivalry,” Catra said as she took Adora’s hand and stepped out onto the mossy ground.

“A lady knight’s not the only one that can be chivalrous.” Adora shut the door behind her, and then let go of Catra’s hand. “Let me grab my backpack and we can get started.”

Adora went to the trunk again, and Catra looked around. The forest was so dense she couldn’t see through it. She could only see up the road a hundred feet or so before it turned, making the dense thick undergrowth, icy moss, and vines the only thing visible. She read the trail head sign.

“Quinault Big Cedar Trailhead?”

“Yup.” Adora ran up to her side, backpack slung over her shoulders. “It’s not too long so you won’t have to be in the cold for very long.”

Catra grabbed hold of Adora’s gloved hand and started down the trail. “I grew up in this area, remember princess? I can handle a little November weather.”

Adora just laughed and followed along.

Once they were really on the trail it was wide enough for them to walk side by side which allowed Catra to keep her head on a swivel, looking all around at the strange formations of trees and roots and ice around them while Adora kept her from straying too far off the path. They didn’t really talk. Just listened. Wind blew through the trees, whistling and shaking the needles. Winter cardinals hopped between branches and chirped, much more pleasant than seagull cries. Every once in a while one of them stopped to look at something a little closer or to pick up a stone to present to the other. They didn’t need to talk. They just knew when to stop, when to follow.

Catra breathed in the crisp sharp air until it bit at her lungs.

She had missed this. Exploring. Being outside. She could walk like this for hours-- that’s what she had used to do when she was a kid. But from the way Adora kept them steadily moving forward, she knew there was a destination planned.

Despite all her big talk, Catra found herself shivering. The wind cut through her layers—wet frigid air seeping into her bones. She rubbed her hands together and blew into the knitted fabric of her gloves trying to keep them warm.

“Here let me see,” Adora said, holding out her hand.

“What?”

“Give me your hands, silly.”

Catra did, watching intently. Adora stood in front of her and pulled one hand into each of her pockets along with her own. Pressed into the little cocoons, Catra’s hands quickly warmed. She looked down at the pockets. They were standing close enough that Adora shielded her from the wind. She could see how her jacket clung to her. How it blocked her view of what Catra knew were stupidly nice abs. She would have to just use her imagination.

She heard a chuckle and when she looked up she found Adora grinning at her.

“Enjoying yourself?” Adora asked.

Catra rolled her eyes, but even the teasing didn’t even tempt her to pull away from the warmth.

Adora laughed again. “My girlfriend? Ogling me? It’s more likely than you think.”

Catra butt her shoulder into her, shoving her back into a tree backpack and all. “Don’t get too full of yourself, princess. Or do I need to take you down a notch?”

“I don’t think you’re in the best position to do that.” In one motion, Adora’s grip on her hands grew tighter and she pulled her in. Catra stumbled forward into her chest. Adora let go of her hands to catch her and put her arms around her. But before Catra could fight back, soft cold lips pressed against her own. Her hands still in the pockets moved to grab at Adora’s waist and hold her more firmly against the tree. Adora kissed her harder though, and any plan to turn the tables were soon lost. They warmed each other’s lips and when Adora pulled back and nudged aside Catra scarf with her nose to kiss at her jaw, Catra’s breath came in misty pants. Adora let her hands travel upward to cup either side of her neck before her lips returned to Catra’s, tongue sliding along requesting permission Catra quickly granted.

She didn’t know how long they kissed, but by the time they had stopped—their foreheads pressed together, skin flushed and warm and their visible breath mixing—Catra was in a daze. She guessed letting Adora’s quip go after that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

When she finally let her eyes focus, she found Adora looking at her with an awestruck gleam in her eye which would have been fine if it weren’t for the grin returning to her face. Catra couldn’t let her think she won completely.

“Are you going to keep me standing out here in the cold ogling me or are we heading somewhere, princess?”

Adora’s blush went even deeper. “Yeah it’s not too far from here.”

Keeping one of Catra’s hands in her pocket with her own, Adora pulled her along.

The gurgling sound of a creek grew louder as they followed the trail. Soon the path bumped up against it and ran alongside it. Catra watched the clear shallow water roll over and around stones and branches trapped in the current. At the edges where the rush couldn’t touch, drops of ice clung to the moss and leaves.

She looked at them so closely that she almost stumbled, but Adora caught her.

“We’re here.”

Catra steadied herself and stood up straight. “Where?”

Adora pointed over her shoulder. Catra looked past her and saw it.

The tree reached up above the canopy of pines and into the cloudy sky. It’s trunk was something like five feet in diameter but something had cracked and hollowed part so that at its base it had a tall narrow cavern.

“C’mon.” Adora waved her onward.

Still staring up at it, Catra followed her to the tree. She rested her hand against the bark. The long strings of fiber caught on the fabric of her glove. She heard Adora rustle with the backpack and when she turned, she found her laying a blanket on the ground inside the tree.

“Thought I’d bring you to my cave,” Adora said once she had the blanket all straight. She sat down leaning against the back wall of the tree. She beckoned Catra to join her.

Catra stepped inside and looked up. The trunk was hollow far enough up that she couldn’t see the top clearly. Inside it was warmer too—blocked from the bite of the wind.

“Cool right?” Adora’s voice echoed up through the trunk.

“Yeah,” Catra breathed. “How’d you know about this place?”

Adora rustled with the backpack for a minute before she answered. “Bow brought me here before… well you know. It was one of his attempts to try and get me to destress and not think about the firm and my case. It uh, didn’t work.”

Catra chuckled a little and sat down beside her. “It’s a stressful job getting you to relax.”

Adora let out a shaky breath, but then patched up the vulnerability with a small smile. “But I remembered this tree and the creek and everything and I knew you’d love it.”

Looking out at their little view of the forest, Catra couldn’t deny it. She leaned in a little closer to Adora, resting her head on her shoulder. With the wind blocked, Adora against her, and the blanket—thick and plastic enough that it was more like a tarp—beneath them to keep any water from seeping through, Catra’s body eased in the warmth.

Adora dropped something into Catra’s hands. Round and made of metal. A thermos.

“More surprises?” Catra cocked her eyebrow at her.

“Just open it.” Adora pulled a second thermos from her bag and started to unscrew the cap as Catra did the same.

Steam billowed from inside. Catra held it close and sniffed. The smell of chocolate filled her nose. Slowly, she tilted it upward until a swallow’s worth of hot chocolate fell on her tongue.

Catra hissed as it burned her tongue and then sputtered when it burned the rest of the way down her throat.

Adora laughed. “Careful it's hot.”

“No shit sherlock. So that’s what your plan was? Take me to the museum to get my guard down and then bring me out to the woods to kill me.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” Adora grabbed the hot chocolate thermos from her and handed her another one.

The second thermos was short and stout. Inside a thick yellowish-white liquid swirled around, little clumps rising and falling from the surface. The steam from this one smelled of cream and seasonings. Catra’s stomach growled.

“It's that creamy potato soup,” Adora said. “The recipe of Perfuma’s you always rave about.”

Catra furrowed her brows and looked up at her. “Wait did you make this yourself? Should I be worried about poisoning and getting burned from the inside out?”

Adora pushed a spoon into her hand. “Just eat, you brat. Perfuma helped me, so it’ll be fine.”

Catra still made a show of being extra cautious with her first bite, but after the first swallow she couldn’t pretend anymore. The taste of cream and garlic and more spread across her taste buds and settled nice and warm in her stomach.

They took turns: one sipping on the hot chocolate while the other took bites of the soup before trading. Catra teased Adora—she had to get pay back for the numb burned patch on her tongue—and Adora came right back with her sort of stupid come backs that just made Catra laugh and kiss the hot chocolate mustache from her face.

When both the soup and hot chocolate thermoses were starting to run dry, Adora dug into the backpack again.

“What, are you Mary Poppins?” Catra asked. “What else you got in that bag?”

“One last surprise.” Adora pulled out a big notebook and dropped it in Catra’s lap. Then came a large pencil box.

“So you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Adora continued. “But when you let me sleep in your room in Seattle that other night, I saw some of the art you’d done on the walls and I looked at it for a long time because I couldn’t go to sleep and it was just so good. And then I asked Scorpia about it and she said that when you were younger, before… you would draw and paint all the time. Weaver wouldn’t let you keep your own supplies, but you had some hidden. I don’t know where that stuff went, but I thought I’d get you some new supplies—it's not top quality or anything because if you haven’t noticed, I know like nothing about art—but anyways this is yours if you want it. And if you want, I thought we could, you know, paint the view.” She gestured out to the forest.

Catra listened to the whole ramble, letting her eyes flash between the sketchbook in her lap and Adora’s wide panicking eyes. Even after Adora finished, Catra’s thoughts continued to tear her in all directions. She wanted to calm Adora down, but that same nervousness that had filled her before the museum was back. What if it didn’t feel the same? What if she didn’t deserve this? To reclaim this, to accept Adora’s generosity.

It’s a waste of time anyways. A waste, just like you.

She clenched her eyes closed, trying to push away the echoing voice. Weaver was gone. She couldn’t hurt her, couldn’t take this away. She wasn’t right.

You’ll never be good enough to amount to anything. You will always be a failure. What’s the point in trying?

“Catra?” Adora’s voice cut through Weavers. Catra opened her eyes and saw Adora’s hand hovered over Catra’s thigh—shaky and uncertain.

“Did I screw up?” Adora asked. “I didn’t mean to bulldoze your boundaries again. I can take this stuff back and we can just forget about it. I’m sorry—”

Catra took a breath and moved her hand from the supplies to grab hold of Adora’s. “No, no it’s okay. I just… got caught up thinking about her for a second. I’m sorry.”

Adora nodded slowly, eyes still wide and nervous as she waited for Catra to signal how they’d move forward.

“So,” Catra started. “What type of stuff did you get?”

Adora dove into showing the contents of the pencil box and then letting Catra explain what they were actually for. They each got a sheet of thick paper and started to sketch out what they wanted to paint with the watercolors Adora had bought. At first, Catra spent almost as much time looking at Adora’s attempt at art as she did working on her own, but eventually she got caught up in the painting.

She’d done some drawing since rehab, but she hadn’t held a paint brush since she was a teenager. It didn’t come back right away. Her movements were awkward and clumsy. But as she used the brush to carry the water and the paint to the page, spreading and lifting and mixing, her hands remembered.

Adora finished her painting long before Catra did. They both giggled as they looked at her trees that looked more like sticks with green triangles on them and the blue streak meant to be a creek running beneath it.

“I think I’ll leave the art to you,” Adora said. “I don’t think I’ll ever be as good as you.”

Catra looked down at her own half-done work and shrugged. “I can finish this later if you want to be done.”

“No, I want to watch. If that’s okay with you.”

Catra nodded but felt herself tense up a little. “Yeah just remember I’m out of practice. I suck compared to those guys at the museum.”

“Catra, I draw stick figures. What you have already looks good enough to go in a museum to me.”

Rolling her eyes, Catra turned back to her painting. “You’re such a dork.”

Adora leaned back against the inside of the tree and pulled Catra to sit in her lap and to lean into her. Arms wrapped around Catra’s waist and a head rested on her shoulder, watching as her brush moved across the paper.

It took maybe another twenty minutes for her to finish. Catra held up the paper for both of them to see. It wasn’t very complex, but she’d tried to capture what she’d seen down at the creek—droplets of ice clinging to the branches, moss, and fallen leaves.

“We should get it framed and hang it up,” Adora mumbled as she pressed a kiss to the side of her neck.

Catra scoffed. “It’s not that good.”

“I think it is.”

Twisting around, Catra looked at her for any signs of teasing. But Adora’s sea eyes shined with sincerity.

“Even if you don’t think it’s perfect, it’s still good. And every time we see it we’ll think of today. Or at least I will. I-I… love it.”

Adora smiled now. Catra wanted to paint that next. The smile that was soft and yet burned at the same time. She didn’t know what it meant to Adora, but she knew what the feeling it always pulled from her chest was. Adora had just said it.

But Catra couldn’t. What if saying it made that smile go away?

She broke eye contact and started to put her brushes away. “Fine, we can frame it.”

Adora gave a little hoot and squeezed her so tight she could hardly breath.

“Let go of me, dummy,” Catra wheezed. “I’m trying to clean up.”

“Make me.”

Catra struggled for a bit laughing and taunting Adora, but her grip was too solid. But Catra thought of something. She’d taken her gloves off to paint and now her fingers were almost blue with the cold. Snaking her hands upwards, she shoved them beneath Adora’s scarf and held them onto her neck.

Adora yelped and her hold fell away. She pulled Catra’s hands away. “That’s cheating.”

“You only say that because you lost.”

Adora lunged forward to grab her again, but Catra held up one finger in front of her face.

“Unless you want more cold shocks, I think we should probably head back to the car and the heater.”

Adora relented and they finished packing their things back into the backpack.

The sun had started to set, casting long shadows on the trail as they walked back. Catra kept up a conversation this time, but her thoughts were elsewhere.

She loved her.

Catra loved Adora.

Maybe she always had and she’d just been too dumb and afraid to admit it. She still was afraid. Back in the tree would have been a perfect moment to tell her especially after Adora had planned all this. But Catra just couldn’t.

Adora was still new to this. To girlfriends. To dating. Love was just too much too soon. And what if this ruined everything? Catra had already come so close to destroying this—destroying Adora—like she’d done to so many other things. And what about herself? The weak and shattered foundation she had rebuilt of her heart wouldn’t survive a blow like Adora’s rejection if Catra were to let down her walls of protection and tell her.

Because really, she knew she didn’t deserve Adora’s love. Catra didn’t need Weaver’s voice to remind her of that. Adora was thoughtful and made a playlist and learned songs and listened to her talk about art and helped her get back something she thought she’d lost and loved her painting. Adora made Catra feel things she hadn’t in years-- some things she’d never felt. She wanted to share a future with her and if she could reach backwards she’d give Adora her past as well.

But Adora was good and Catra was bad.

“When we get home,” Adora said as they got into the car. “I have some sushi in the fridge and thought we could rent a movie. Your pick this time.”

Catra answered back with a smile and a witty remark about horse movies—careful to hide all her fears and doubts.

Because Catra might not deserve something good, but Adora did. Adora was working hard to be better-- sharing her struggles more and more and fighting all the garbage ingrained in her head. Catra could do that too. She wanted to be better for her. To be someone worthy of being Adora’s girlfriend. To be worthy of her love even if Adora never gave it. She would work on it. For the rest of her life if she had to.

And later when they were back at the lighthouse eating their sushi at the table—after Catra had pinned Adora to the door once they’d stepped in and kissed her into an oblivion—Catra made the step towards being better.

“So I’ll admit it.” Catra fiddled with her chopsticks. “You’re date was pretty perfect.”

“Really?” Adora dropped her fork before clearing her throat and speaking again. “I mean, of course it was… Does that mean…”

Catra nodded. “We can start to make our plans to work on the house… and read the letter. Just,” Catra took a deep breath. “Can we wait for that part until after this weekend?”

“What’s this weekend?” Adora asked.

“Your date. I have something big planned and I don’t want anything to do with her to ruin it.”

Adora leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and then linger there a moment longer. “Of course. I promise I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need. You’ll get through this.”

There was that feeling again. Love burned in her chest, ignited by Adora’s soft words.

Catra twisted and caught Adora’s lips in a real kiss. She pulled away far too breathless for such a short kiss.

“As long as you're with me, I know I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I realized recently that I have a lot of like directors cuts/meta/rambely thoughts about the reasons I am writing scenes or their relationship or interaction in a certain way so if you have any questions about that type of stuff hit me up here or on tumblr. I'd love to share! I posted a short snippet for this chapter that had some extra info for this chapter on my tumblr if you wanted to check it out.  
> Otherwise what are your thoughts? Feelings? Suggestions? I'd love to hear from you and/or chat
> 
> Shout out to my awesome betas @anti-social-alpaca and @a-metal-hippie! They are so amazing for helping me get these chapters out!
> 
> Fic Playlist----> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9


	16. Keep Your Eyes On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora's PoV
> 
> Shut Up and Dance With Me-- Kina Grannis  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/7znZOKabUQzUMXjgMXDuem?si=YpQV1B_3T2OgljXYMVyOaQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise I didn't make you wait a month for this next date!

_She took my arm_

_I don't know how it happened_

_We took the floor and she said_

_Oh don't you dare look back_

_Just keep your eyes on me_

_I said you're holding back_

_She said shut up and dance with me_

_This woman is my destiny_

_She said oh oh oh_

_Shut up and dance_

Adora clung to Catra as the motorcycle roared up the coast. They’d bundled up, but the winter sea breeze stung her cheeks. She sniffled before snot dripped from her nose.

“We’re almost there and then we’ll get you warmed up again, princess,” Catra shouted over her shoulder.

Adora chuckled and pressed her face in between Catra’s shoulder blades. She really didn’t mind the cold. She was much more concerned with where they were going. Catra hadn’t said a peep about what her date plans were. All she had told her was to dress warm and comfortable. Now they were driving North on the highway to someplace Adora had never been before.

She was excited, really, but this while ‘being in a relationship’ thing seemed to come so much more naturally to Catra. She was always around to help Adora in little ways. Making food when she hadn’t eaten in too long. Watching her favorite movies even if they weren’t Catra’s style. Whispering all the right things to ease her insecurities as they lay together at night. So it was a given that Catra’s date would be perfect. She didn’t even need to do all the intense planning like Adora had.

But—of course there was a but—Adora’s mind couldn’t let her just enjoy this. It had been fine when the date was all about Catra, but now with the attention on her, Adora felt more than restless.

She was glad, Catra couldn’t see her or else she’d definitely notice her nervousness and then she would want to stop and talk, and things would become even more about Adora and her weakness and—

Adora forced herself to take a few deep breaths like Perfuma had taught her. The thought didn’t go away, but she did her best to counter them. It was only fair that Catra got to take her on a date too. Their relationship couldn’t just be one way no matter how Adora’s stupid brain wanted to just give and give and never run the risk of being a burden.

And it wasn’t like Catra did get something out of this either. If it was perfect—which Adora knew it would be, they could have just stayed at home and kissed and Adora would have still thought it was perfect—then Adora has to fulfill her part of the bargain and go to therapy.

Just another symbol of her weakness.

Catra leaned her head back so that their helmets bumped together. “You okay back there?” she shouted. Adora must have gotten tense enough for her to notice.

“Just trying not to freeze to death.” There was no point in voicing her real thoughts. Catra couldn’t do anything about them now while she was driving.

“Don’t be so dramatic. It’s not that cold.” Still Catra leaned back so that she closed any gaps between them and shared her body heat.

Catra wasn’t weak. She’d gone through so so much, but she was strong enough to keep going _and_ help Adora along.

And she went to therapy.

Adora had recognized a difference in her since she’d started going again, too. She had always noticed when Catra’s eyes went distant as thought took over—when she dug her nails into her hands or forearms and flinched at any loud noises. But now Catra didn’t clam up or run away when it happened. If Adora asked gently what she was thinking about or what she could do to help, Catra would open up even if she had to take some time by herself to calm down and breathe first. And if Catra did lash out like she had before then she always apologized and tried to fix it. It was almost like she was afraid that Adora would leave her—as if it wouldn’t be the other way around and Adora would fail her and drive her away like she had everyone else.

But anyways, Catra was changing because of therapy and obviously Adora really needed that too. She’d just have to figure the rest out later.

Ten minutes later they pulled into a small town. Catra drove slowly along the edge, so Adora was able to take it all in as they passed. Hanging from every lamp and in front of every store front along the main street were fall harvest decorations. Colorful leaves, pumpkins, corn stalks, scarecrows, and probably every type of gourd or squash you could think of. Clumps of people walked between it all—admiring the decorations and going in and out of the small-town stores. Further into town they approached a park. Up and down the winter grassy hill small booths had been set up with even more decorations and people enjoying themselves eating and laughing.

Catra stopped at the edge of the park and turned off the engine of the motorcycle. She let Adora dismount before she popped the kickstand and took off her helmet.

“So? What do you think?” she said.

Adora looked out at the bustling activity. “What is all this?”

Catra hopped off the bike and stowed both their helmets. “Every year the county does a fall festival and fair. All the surrounding towns come together to put it on. There’s outdoor activities during the day no matter what the weather is—these small-town people are crazy about tradition—and then tonight, inside the town gymnasium, is a dinner and dance.”

Three kids ran by, shrieking and laughing, and made Adora jump. Their parents came after them, giving Catra and Adora tired waves as they went. Even as they got further and further away, it seemed like more and more people came to replace them, all walking towards the epicenter of festivities in the park. More people than she had seen in months. And they would all be able to see her. With Catra as they had fun together. What if any of them knew Bow or Glimmer or anyone from Salineas?

Or Hope?

Adora let out a shuddering breath.

But Catra came up in front of her so that her face replaced the view of people walking by. “I know this is a lot, but there is so much here I know you are going to love. We can take it slow and I’ll be with you the entire time. But you deserve to enjoy this.”

Without even thinking, Adora shook her head at that. She could think of so many reasons why she didn’t deserve that.

Catra grabbed the sides of her arms and gripped tight, looking her right in the eyes. “You do. Just trust me please. I know because I—” The words choked in her throat as she stopped herself suddenly. Some emotion flashed across her face, but she dropped eye contact before Adora could figure out what it was. “I know because I just do.” After a second or two she looked back up at her, much more hesitant, and asked, “Okay?”

Adora wasn’t sure she could believe that. But Catra believed it—and she might be biased but she’d never lie. Maybe if Adora could just hold to that, hold to Catra, then she could enjoy it. Maybe she could start to believe it a little herself.

She balled her hands into fists and steeled herself. “Okay,” Adora said with a small nod.

Some of Catra’s determination returned to her eyes, and she didn’t let go of her arms. “What can I do to make it easier?”

Adora shook her head and started to open her mouth, but Catra cut her off.

“And don’t say nothing just because you don’t want to ask for help. Remember what we talked about. I help you and you help me.”

Her mouth snapped shut. She tried to wrack her brain for what she actually needed—wanted. All of that didn’t come naturally to her, either.

Finally, she sighed, “You might just have to help me get out of my head, if you can. Just remind me that all this isn’t a burden on you.”

Catra smiled. “Of course, that’s easy peasy. Anything else?”

Adora hummed a little. She knew what she wanted, but with so many people around she couldn’t force it from her mouth. So she went for the next best.

“A hug?”

Arms wrapped around her and pulled her in tight without another word. Adora let her head fall into the crook of her neck and just breathe her in. Letting her smell and the feeling of her leather jacket against her cheek push away everything else. This was a date just for them. No one else mattered.

In the distance, Adora heard the distinct sound of a whinny and her head shot up. Catra pulled back a little with a big smirk on her face.

“Oh, did I not mention that part of the fair includes livestock contests. If we grease some palms, we might even convince one of the owners to let you ride a horse.”

Adora’s eyes went wide and Catra laughed, that cute high pitch one that made Adora’s stomach feel all fuzzy.

“Come on princess, let’s go.”

Catra caught hold of Adora’s hand, leading her towards the corrals—Adora more than willing to follow.

It turned out, Catra had already spoken to one of the horse keepers and gotten everything set up. Adora sat atop a tall pinto mare, holding tight to the reins while Catra cackled at her. It really didn’t help the nervous feeling in her stomach, but she knew her face must have been hilarious. Jumping from pure joy to terror and back anytime the horse made any unexpected moves.

But the owner was kind and walked them around the wide corral a few times until she and the horse were both comfortable with one another. After some thorough instructions on how to ride, he let go of the lead. She and horse were on their own—only Adora’s hands to guide the huge animal beneath. She made one lap and then another at a slow trot. Gaining confidence, she flicked the reins urging them to go faster. The cold wind whipped through her hair and around her scarf.

She would never admit it even under pay of death, but she definitely imagined she was riding Secretariat in a race. Getting lost in the power and speed and elegance thundering beneath and through her.

She lost track of how many laps she’d taken, but eventually she slowed to a trot and then a stop, coming alongside where Catra and the owner sat on the fence watching.

Catra held up her phone and took a picture.

“What are you doing?” Adora held up a hand trying to block the shot. Her hair was probably all over the place and she knew her face was red from the cold breeze and exertion.

“Careful, princess don’t fall off the horse,” Catra teased, snapping a few more pictures before hopping down along with the owner.

He helped Adora dismount and let her feed the horse some oats. Catra kept taking pictures, but Adora was too distracted to care. The owner told her that she was a natural and told her that if she ever wanted to ride again just give him a call and come on by.

As Catra guided them away from the corrals and on to see the other animals, Adora turned to give the owner—but mostly the horse—one last wave goodbye. She heard Catra snap one last picture, and she flipped around.

“How many pictures did you even take?” She tried to snag Catra’s phone, but Catra pulled it out of her reach.

“Oh so so many. I started before you even got on the horse.” Adora tried to grab it again, but Catra slid underneath her arms. “How does it feel to be the slowest person alive?”

“Come on, just let me see.”

“Not until I save them somewhere you can’t delete them.” Catra put her phone into her jacket pocket and took Adora’s hand before she could try anything sneaky. “I had to document your first ever horse ride. Was it everything you dreamed it would be?”

Adora blushed and looked down at the ground. “Yes, it was really good. Thank you.”

“I already have you blushing and thanking me, and the date has just started. Might as well admit that it’s perfect right now.” She started to pull Adora along towards the other stables.

Adora rolled her eyes, but she really wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t sure how it could get more perfect than this.

They explored the rest of the animals in the fair—pigs, sheep, geese, cows, and even a giant crab all kept in their nice warm enclosures to show off their ribbons and awards. It didn’t take long for them to get their fill of the animals (and their smell) but before they moved on to the rest of the fair, they made one last stop at the corrals for Adora to watch the horses again.

Hand in hand, they walked into the rows and clusters of booths full of food and games and handcrafted merchandise.

Catra stopped. “So where do you want to go next?”

Adora turned to her with wide eyes. “Don’t you have a plan?”

“This is the plan. We have a few hours before dinner and the dance starts. So we have time to do whatever you want.” Catra gestured out towards it all. “Today’s about you. So you get to pick.”

“I don’t know,” Adora groaned. There was just so much. And what if she chose something lame or boring. This would be so much easier if Catra just chose for her.

“There has to be something that’s caught your attention besides the horses.”

She let her gaze sweep across the festival, searching for something—anything—that Catra might like to do. Then she spotted something—or well she smelled it first. At the start of a row of game stalls was a small food truck. A family stood at the ordering counter, and the server handed over a paper bowl with a massive steaming funnel cake dusted with powdered sugar to a child. Saliva pooled her mouth.

Catra laughed beside her. “Do you want to get a funnel cake?”

Adora snapped out of her trance. “U-um, do you want to?”

“I want to, if you want to.”

Adora groaned again and dragged Catra towards the food truck. Catra took charge at the counter and ordered a funnel cake for them both—refusing to let Adora pay, it was her date after all.

As they waited, Adora’s eyes drifted along the stalls of different fair games. In the middle of the row was one of those traditional strength challenge games where you hit a lever with a hammer, and it tells you how strong you are.

“I bet I can beat you at that,” Adora said pointing.

Catra took the funnel cakes from the server and gave one to Adora. She found what Adora pointed at and then smirked. “You’re on.”

They raced over, giggling. Catra beat her there—Adora got held up taking bites of her funnel cake before it started to get cold—and bought tickets from a nearby kiosk. Catra handed two over to the carnie at the strength test. Adora took Catra’s cake, after being forced to swear she wouldn’t eat, and stood back to watch.

The hammer looked more like a toy than a tool with its oversized faded red head, but when Catra lifted it she sucked in a breath at the weight. Heaving it up over her shoulder and then slamming it downwards, Catra hit the lever and set the puck upwards. It made it a little over halfway almost to the seventy mark.

Catra dropped the hammer. “Beat that princess.”

Adora felt her muscles tense, ready. “Gladly.”

Catra took the cakes, and Adora pushed up the sleeves of her sweater and jacket. The hammer was as heavy as Catra made it look, but Adora lifted it easily, imaging it as just another beam of wood back at the lighthouse. She brought it up over and then down onto the lever. The puck went up, up, up and… stopped just beneath the bell at the ninety mark.

Adora’s shoulders sagged, and she let the hammer fall. Behind her Catra squeaked with laughter.

“You really thought you had it.”

Rolling her eyes, Adora went to take back her cake but Catra held it back. A little awkwardly, Catra fished another ticket from her pocket and held it out to Adora.

“Do you want to go again?”

It wasn’t even really a choice. Adora took the ticket, gave it to the carnie, and picked up the hammer again. Breathing in and out a few times, Adora brought it high behind her head and slammed it down, throwing as much of her weight behind it as she could.

When the puck hit the bell, it rang out over the park. Adora threw her fist into the air and whooped, and then she strutted back over to Catra, beaming a huge smile at her.

Catra pushed her funnel cake into her hands. “Okay I get it my girlfriend is super strong. Whatever.” But she smiled as she said it.

Adora took a big victory bite and was in the middle of chewing when she felt Catra pull her towards something.

“You beat me at that one, but I bet I can beat you at that one.”

They moved from game to game, laughing and teasing as they tried to one up the other. With the games involving hitting a target they were about even—it really just depended on how rigged the game was—but Catra did cream Adora three times at a whack-a-mole game. Though Adora claimed up and down it didn’t count because Catra had cheated by using the long side of the stick to hit more than one mole at once. Catra just said that it wasn’t her fault she outsmarted the game.

As Catra went to toss their empty funnel cake bowls away, Adora saw a stall covered with stuffed animals. Among them all was a little unicorn with a rainbow mane and long white fur that looked soft to the touch.

Just like the one she’d had when she was a kid.

She must have stared too long because Catra came up close to her side. “What you looking at?”

Adora pointed. “That unicorn looks like the one I told you about.”

“The one your mom took from you because she said you were too old?”

Her mouth went dry, but Adora nodded. Suddenly Catra’s arm around her waist felt heavy and uncomfortable. She grit her teeth, forcing herself to ignore the impulse to pull away. Moving away from the thought just like in meditation.

Without saying anything else, Catra stepped up to the stall and gave the carnie a ticket.

“Catra you don’t—”

But Catra was already throwing a ball towards a series of bowls of different sizes, aiming for the smallest one to earn a prize. All three of Catra’s balls bounced off the edge and to the ground. But she just handed over another ticket.

During the sixth toss, the ball went into the bowl but slid out again.

“This is fucking rigged,” Catra snarled at the carnie. But he just held his hand out, waiting for another ticket.

“It’s okay Catra. I don’t need it.” Adora said and chuckled to herself. “This isn’t like Despicable Me. You can’t just blast it so I can get the unicorn.”

Catra turned to look at her slowly—her eyes promising death. “How have you seen that movie, but you’d never seen Shrek 2?”

“Are you going to play again?” the carnie asked before Adora could respond.

Catra growled and forked over another ticket, throwing the next ball a little too hard to land in any of the bowls.

It took ten tosses, but eventually Catra got the ball into the little bowl and the carnie was forced to hand over the little unicorn.

Moving away from the stall—and the annoying carnie—Catra held out the unicorn to Adora. Taking it in her hands, her fingers slid through the long fur. It was maybe even softer than the one she had had as a kid. She couldn’t resist brushing it up against her cheek just like she had done when things got to be too much, and she needed a little comfort.

“So does the daring lady knight who beat the evil con man get a reward?”

Adora looked up from her unicorn to Catra’s grinning face. They stood out in the open, people milling around them. Not watching. But they could be. Hope would be watching. Disappointed in the unicorn. In her choices. In her.

But still Catra smiled at her. Adora knew she would accept a hug—they’d spent enough nights with Catra in her arms to know Catra liked hugs. But that’s not what Adora wanted.

Adora pushed at Catra’s shoulder, moving her backwards into the little alley behind the stalls.

Catra’s eyes were wide with worry. “What—”

Her next words died away when Adora pushed her against the wall and kissed her. Catra put her hands around Adora’s back and pulled her closer, groaning when Adora pressed harder.

When they finally had to break to breathe, they leaned against each other panting.

“You froze a bit there,” Catra whispered against her cheek. “What’s going on inside your head?”

Adora hummed, hesitantly.

“You can talk to me. I won’t get upset or anything. And if this is too much then we can go find somewhere to take a break,” Catra said.

Adora leaned into Catra a little more. “She’s just still stuck in my head. I haven’t lived with her for years, but she still gets to me and makes me feel bad for being here. For being with you. And I _hate_ it.”

One Catra’s hands made its way up to scratch at the hair at the back of her neck. “I understand. I’m sorry.” She paused for a moment and then asked, “Does the unicorn make it worse?”

She just breathed for a moment, feeling the unicorn still clutched in her hand, trying to parse through what she actually felt.

“No. I like it. I love it. I—” she fumbled; her emotions unruly now that they’d been given a voice. “You’re helping me make up for old bad memories.” She knew she was talking about more than the unicorn now. “It’s like I’m finally getting to live my rebellious teenage years.”

She felt Catra press a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll gladly help you be a rebellious teen.”

A voice joined in behind them. “Catra’s got plenty of experience in that area.”

They both yelped, gripping onto each other tighter.

“DT!” Catra shrieked. “What are you doing back here?”

“Searching for some help and it looks like I found the perfect couple.” They grabbed a handful of Adora’s jacket and yanked her away from Catra.

“Wait, what—" She stumbled as DT pulled them again, only just staying up right.

DT grabbed Catra too and dragged them both down the alley between stalls.

“What the hell?” Catra growled, trying to fight DT’s grip like Adora but they were surprisingly strong.

“I’m helping run the theater tent and the next time slot was meant to be a puppet show for the kids, but the performers bailed,” DT said. “And you two are going to cover for them.”

Before either of them could protest, DT shoved them through the flap of a huge tent.

Released from their solid grip, Adora and Catra caught hold of each other to keep from toppling over.

Once she was stable again, Catra turned to them. “We aren’t going to do a stupid puppet show, DT.”

They stepped across the little room, and pulled up the curtain dividing the tent a sliver to reveal a bustling audience of little kids with more filling in. “You wouldn’t make me tell the kids that the show they have been so excited for is cancelled.”

“Why don’t you do it?” Adora asked.

“I have to do my makeup and get into costume for the next show. The time slot is only fifteen minutes. You can totally handle it.” They dropped the curtain and pointed to a box in the corner. “The puppets are in there.”

They stepped back to the tent flap. “And remember all the proceeds from this show go to the county theater programs, so make it good.”

“Do you have a script or something?” Adora asked.

DT smirked. “You two are dramatic. Figure it out.”

And with that they were gone, leaving Catra and Adora alone with a horde of kids waiting on them.

“Yeah, I’m not doing this.” Catra made to leave, but Adora grabbed her hand.

“We can’t just leave the kids.” She let her lip pucker out in a pout.

“Alright,” Catra groaned, rubbing her hands over her eyes. “You’re the writer, you think of a story for us.”

Adora turned to the box of hand puppets and started to dig through what was there. It took a minute, but she finally came up with an idea.

She pulled out two puppets and held them up for Catra to see. “What if we give the princess and her lady knight a sequel?”

Catra snatched the doll from her hands. “Whatever you want princess,” she said with an exasperated sigh but the little chuckle after gave her away. 

But as they picked through the other puppets to find supporting characters, Adora couldn’t help but notice Catra’s growing smile and involvement in planning their story. They switched around the clothes of some of the puppets and laid out a plot, so that everything was set.

When the host stood up in front of the kids and introduced the show, Catra and Adora were behind the little stage in the center of the dividing curtain, ready to go.

Adora peaked through the curtain at the waiting faces and gulped.

“You ready?” Catra asked, bumping the puppets over their hands together.

Adora nodded. “I’ll narrate the start.”

Clearing her throat, Adora started to speak loud enough for the audience to hear: “Once upon a time, there was a princess and her lady knight.” Catra and Adora pushed their respective puppets through the little curtain of the stage.

“The lady knight had saved the princess from a life of loneliness and now they lived together and loved—each other.” Adora choked but forced herself to keep going. It was just for the show. Catra wouldn’t read into it. Everything would be it. It would be fine.

Catra jumped in. “The princess's name was Adorka.” She shook, as she tried to keep herself from laughing out loud.

Adora shoved her with her free hand. “And the lady knight’s name was Sir Kitty.”

That earned a shove back from Catra and a giggle from Adora.

They had their little puppet characters go through a little village and meet all the village people. There was a blacksmith, store owner, healer, and more, all with increasingly more silly names and mannerisms. Adora had to keep shoving her face into her shoulder to keep from laughing out loud. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway with the children’s giggling—especially at the funny dances Catra had the puppets do. 

“All was happy in the village,” Adora said with her narrator voice, “Until the evil king arrived with an army and magical powers.” She pushed the king puppet—with little artistic alterations made to make him look more evil with green eyes and a scowling face—onto the stage. “He wanted to make everyone work for him, so he could be even more rich and powerful.”

“Don’t worry, Princess. I’ll stop him.”

Catra moved her hand towards the king, but Adora stopped her with the princess puppet. There was a sword velcroed to the lady knight’s hand, and with some force Adora was able to pull it off and put it in the princess’s hand.

“I’m not a damsel in distress,” the princess puppet said, “I can fight the king too.”

But before the princess could meet the king, Catra leaned over her and shoved a new puppet between them.

“I am the king’s dragon protector.” Catra made the dragon puppet roar and the audience gasped. “And I will defeat you, silly princess.”

Adora did her best to have her little puppet fight the larger dragon puppet, but Catra was relentless.

“Don’t worry, Princess. I’ll save you!” Catra joined the fight with her knight puppet. The kids cheered her on. 

Technically fighting herself, Catra had control of how the fight went. She turned to Adora with a huge grin, ready to give the final blow and end the battle.

But Adora couldn’t be bested.

“Not so fast, Sir Kitty,” the king puppet said as Adora waved his arms around with her fingers. “I just cast a spell on you, stealing all your strength. You are weak and powerless now. Mwahaha.”

Catra cast her a glare, but when along with it anyway.

“No, my strength.” The lady knight puppet collapsed to the stage.

The princess puppet was quickly at her side. “Sir Kitty, we must retreat and think of a plan.”

Both sets of puppets exited on opposite sides of the little stage.

“You couldn’t let me just have it, huh?” Catra whispered.

“If it were that easy, then it wouldn’t be a good story,” Adora whispered back. “And anyway, we still have more time to fill up for DT. Let’s bring out the village characters again.”

Sir Kitty and Princess Adorka regrouped with their friends back in the village. The healer helped stop the effects of the king’s spell on Sir Kitty, first thing. Then, putting their minds together, they came up with a new plan. The blacksmith would build a saddle fit for the dragon and the cook made up a treat good enough to gain anyone’s loyalty.

After Adora had narrated a change of setting to nighttime, the princess and lady knight snuck up on the dragon with their new supplies in hand. They placed the cook’s delicious cake in front of the dragon and woke him up. He gobbled it up in one bite. While he was distracted cleaning his teeth, the lady knight and princess jumped on his back—putting on the saddle and capturing him with the reins. He bucked and jumped and flew trying to get them off, but they held on too tightly and he eventually exhausted himself.

“We don’t want to hurt you,” Princess Adorka said. “We just need your help in defeating the evil king. He wants to take over the land and make everyone his slaves.”

Catra made the dragon bend around to look at his riders. “He treats me like a slave too,” Catra said in as deep and scratchy of a voice as she could manage. “If you let me free after, I will help you stop him.”

The princess and lady knight readily agreed.

In a grand finale that earned plenty of gasps from the crowd, the duo along with their new dragon steed and their village friends fought and defeated the king. Catra and Adora were frantic as they traded what puppet was on what hand and tried to use the same voices for each. But when one fumbled the other was there to cover it up—talking and speaking and moving in unison as if they had rehearsed it.

As their puppets gave their bows, the crowd roared with applause. Well that was an exaggeration, but to Adora, all the kids’ laughter and clapping felt grand.

But the cheering changed to calls for more. Adora turned to Catra, eyes wide with fear—they hadn’t planned for anything more.

Thankfully, DT stepped out in front of the crowd, fully dolled up in their Shakespearian costume. “Yes, wasn’t that a great story. Love the subversions of tropes. But the next performance will be starting in five minutes, so we have to say goodbye to our fabulous puppeteers.”

“Sounds like we are finally free,” Catra said after the first wave of goodbyes rang through the curtain. She scooped all the puppets and dropped them into the box. Then they ran from the tent before DT could change their mind and drag them into some other task.

Hand in hand, Adora and Catra explored the festival booths, full of arts, craft, little trinkets, and more food. They found Razz’s booth and Catra made Adora hold off from eating too many cookies before the dinner started.

“I’m so glad to see you two are done pretending you don’t love each other,” Razz said.

Catra and Adora both sputtered on their cookies.

“Wait, what—”

“Razz! You—”

They both stopped and looked at one another with wide eyes.

Razz laughed. “You dearies are just so cute. Enjoy the rest of the fair.”

Just like that, she disappeared underneath the booth counter.

Adora bit into her cookie again and kicked at the dirt with the toe of her boot. “Oh Razz. Always doing the kookiest things right?”

“Yeah,” Catra chuckled awkwardly. “Right.”

They munched on their cookies for a moment longer. Adora swallowed and went to say something, but Catra beat her to it.

“So… You good to keep going?”

Adora nodded, and Catra started to walk to the next booth. Jogging to catch up, Adora slipped her hand into Catra’s. Together they wandered the rest of the fair until it was time for dinner.

They met up with Scorpia, Perfuma, and Entrapta outside the social hall before they went in to eat. They paid for their food, loaded up their plates with the barbeque pork sandwiches and a plethora of side dishes, and found a table to sit at all together—Adora between Perfuma and Entrapta on one side and Scorpia and Catra on the other.

“How was the drive over, Entrapta?” Perfuma asked as she ate.

“Oh, I didn’t drive. I got an uber, so that I could work on the calculations for the new project I’m working on.”

Adora almost choked on her sandwich. “Wait, you took an uber the whole way here? Wouldn’t that be like a hundred bucks something?”

“One hundred and thirty-seven actually, but it’s always worth it to come to the festival.”

“We’ve gone every year since we were little,” Scorpia added in.

Entrapta nodded enthusiastically, pulling out her tablet to show them all a screen full of notes and numbers. “And not having to drive gave me a perfect opportunity to work on calculations for my new project.”

“What about the spacey substance you were working on?” Catra asked.

“Sidelined for the moment.” Entrapta typing away at her tablet—fingers moving so fast it made Adora a little dizzy watching them. “I was approached by the research head of one of the corporations in the city and we’ve been working on suits that can enhance the strength as well as protection for manual labor workers.”

Then her typing stopped, and she looked down at her lap. It wasn’t enough to hide her blush. “We’ve, uh, become close—as lab partners of course—but it's just nice to have someone who can keep up with what I’m saying.”

The group tried to get more information out of Entrapta about her new ‘friend’, but she wouldn’t budge on the subject. Slowly the topic shifted to telling stories of the friend’s adventures at festivals of the past. Scorpia, Catra, and Entrapta laughed and teased as they reminisced.

Adora listened, watching Catra’s smile. It wasn’t often when she smiled like that when talking about her past.

Perfuma nudged her side. “How’s the date going so far?” she asked quietly.

“It’s been good.” Adora glanced down at the unicorn by her side. “Really good.”

“Good. Catra might not show it, but she was really nervous about whether or not you’d like it. She didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

Adora let her hand fall and start to card through the unicorn’s fur. Swallowing hard, she said, “It was a little overwhelming, but she helped me.”

She never would have said something like that to almost anyone before. But ever since she and Perfuma had started to have their little conversation while working the chop saw together at the lighthouse things had been different. Adora had always thought of Perfuma as basically superwoman—perfect wife and friend and perfectly put together. But Perfuma had shared parts of herself that weren’t visible: the stress of helping to run a store and organize a farmer’s market, neglect from her own parents, and sometimes fear that she wasn’t good enough for Scorpia. She talked about her weaknesses in a way Adora had never heard before. To Perfuma they were a part of her, and in the same way she viewed herself as a person neither good or bad, she viewed these aspects as neutral. They were just parts of her to accept but always work on.

It was all a balancing act Adora could hardly understand, but she wanted to. So after Perfuma shared, she did too.

“And did you help yourself too? Did you do any of the breathing exercises?”

“I tried. I seem to always forget or convince myself I don’t need to.”

Perfuma nodded slowly. “That’s why you have friends to help remind you. And remember, that voice that tells you that you don’t need help or deserve it, that voice isn’t you. It’s a combination of your darkest thoughts and experiences, but it isn’t you and it doesn’t tell the truth. I know it’s hard, but you can tell it no.”

Adora froze mid bite, trying to grapple with that immense new idea. She knew she should say something back, but her mind was still processing. Perfuma thankfully seemed to understand and returned to eating her food, jumping into the loud conversation with their friends.

Adora was left staring at her half-eaten sandwich. She’d know that she sometimes had voices in her head—usually Hope, sometimes Glimmer, other times just herself—but she’d always trusted they were true. Where would she be if she didn’t trust her own thoughts? But to think that she didn’t have to follow in blind obedience—she didn’t know what to even think of that yet.

Something kicked her under the table. Adora looked up to see Catra watching her, eyebrows scrunched with concern. She mouthed, ‘are you okay?’

Taking a long deep breath, Adora nodded and mouthed back, ‘I’ll tell you later.’

Adora rejoined the conversation, eating up all the stories they had of Catra as a weird little kid. A while later, people started to pack up the tables and chair, clearing the floor for the dance. They set aside their things in a safe spot with Entrapta to watch over and helped out. Soon loud music was playing, the stark overhead lights had been replaced with hanging ambient colored ones, and the dance had begun.

“They always play such garbage country music,” Catra groaned.

“Come on.” Scorpia caught hold of both her and Catra’s hands and dragged them out into the crowd. “You have to teach Adora the line dances.”

Catra kept up her grouchy attitude at first, but as she tried to show Adora the moves and watched her fumble and trip when she tried, all the smiles and laughter came back. It took a minute, but soon Adora had the dance down. Everyone moved in sync, kicking and jumping in time with the twangy music. When the song changed so did the dance, but the moves were similar enough that Adora caught on fast. And Catra was always close by to laugh and teach her a step she had missed.

The songs came and went rolling over them as they danced in the crowd, Catra by her side and Perfuma and Scorpia across from her. And when a song came on with no set dance steps, they all made her stay and make a fool of herself. But it didn’t matter. They all looked like fools—Scorpia trying to do the robot to make Entrapta laugh from where she watched and Perfuma waving her arms like noodles—Adora’s goofy disco moves fit right in.

Well actually, Catra didn’t look like a fool. Her feet shifted positions and her arms flowed around and her hips rolled like she was in a music video. Her eyes were closed as she swayed through the chorus of the song—seemingly lost in it all.

Adora wanted to reach out. To touch her. To dance and sway with her. Or maybe just watch forever because gods Catra was just so hot and—

Catra’s eyes opened, finding Adora watching her. She fixed her with a sultry smirk and crooked a finger at her. An invitation.

Suddenly it felt as if the swarm of people around them were all watching her. Or maybe it was just one set of eyes in particular. She could imagine them looking down on her—harsh and judgmental—like they’d done ever since she was a kid, forcing all the air from her lungs.

“I-I’m going to go, uh… get a drink of water,” she choked out.

She searched for a path out of the crowd, but Scorpia threw her arm over her shoulder. “That’s a great idea. Got to stay hydrated.”

Scorpia walked them straight through the groups of dancing people. People parted for the tall woman, and behind them Catra and Perfuma followed.

Entrapta joined them at the beverage table, telling them her new developments in her theories of social interactions and hierarchies.

Sipping at a cup of water, Adora leaned up against a wall and tried to get her breathing back under control. Catra came up beside her.

“Is this too much? We can go if you want.”

Hope would want her to go. Stop wasting her time. But she’d also want her to leave Catra, to go back to being a lawyer, to get married and go to church and do all the things she’d taught her growing up.

But that’s not what she wanted. She could tell the voice no.

“No,” Adora said firmly. “I want to stay. I just got nervous being in front of everyone.”

Catra opened her mouth to respond, but Perfuma bumped into her before she could.

She held her phone out with the camera on. “Scorpia, Entrapta scooch closer. I’m taking a selfie.”

It took four tries before they had a nice picture without anyone making a face or blinking, and then they took probably around twenty one of them all making the silliest poses and faces they could think of.

Perfuma scrolled through them all. “I’m going to post these on my Insta, is that alright with everyone?”

Entrapta and Scorpia nodded, and Catra shrugged. “I don’t have an Insta so you can’t tag me or anything.”

Perfuma turned to Adora expectantly. If it was posted then the world could see Adora, happy and free and dating a girl after everything she’d done. Hope or Glimmer could somehow see it and—Adora forced herself away from that line of thinking. No one would see a random post and if they did it wouldn’t matter. Having fun with her girlfriend and friends wasn’t a crime.

“Sure, yeah,” Adora finally said. “Just don’t tag me… or mention my name. If that’s okay?”

“Of course!”

Perfuma, Scorpia, and Entrapta huddled around Perfuma’s phone, swiping through to find their favorites.

When the upbeat country song playing finally ended, the following song was slow and melodic. The groups of people split into couples, slow dancing together with their arms wrapped around each other as they rocked back and forth to the soft beat. Scorpia and Perfuma were quick to join while Entrapta found her place on the outskirts to watch.

Catra pushed off the wall and stood out in front of Adora, her hand extended towards her. “Do you want to dance, princess?”

Adora’s mouth fell open, quivering a little. She did. But she also wanted to run and hide in the bathroom where the onslaught of emotions and thoughts that sounded far too similar to Hope’s voice couldn’t reach her.

Stepping a little closer, Catra rested her other hand on Adora’s arm. “It’ll be okay I promise. Just keep your eyes on me. Nobody else matters. Just us.”

Adora sucked in a deep breath then grabbed Catra’s extended hand—keeping her eyes fixed on Catra’s mismatched ones.

Face shining as she smiled, Catra pulled them out onto the dance floor again so they were under the lights but too close to the other dancers. Catra placed her hands on Adora’s hips, and Adora intertwined her fingers behind Catra’s neck. Catra eased them into a steady back and forth pattern, but never taking eyes off Adora.

“So how did I do?” Catra asked, that smirk returning. “Perfect right?”

Adora chuckled and rolled her eyes, but she really couldn’t deny it. The games, the food, and the constant back and forth teasing all came together to form a perfect date. But really Catra had been on to something when she’d said it didn’t matter what they did as long as they were together. Adora would have loved any date they’d gone on.

Adora shifted her arms to wrap around Catra’s back so she could lean in and rest her head on Catra’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Adora breathed. “It was perfect.”

“Good.” Catra gripped Adora’s hips tighter and brought her as close as they could be, still moving them in time with the music.

Adora stiffened a little. So many people could see them like this, displaying affection as if they were alone.

“Hey it’s okay,” Catra whispered. “Don’t worry about anyone else. It’s just us. Just you and me and no one else.”

Focusing on those words and the feeling of Catra’s breathing against her, Adora let herself relax again. Catra rested her head onto Adora’s and brushed a kiss to her neck. “Adora, I—"

Adora could feel her take in a breath ready to finish, but she held it for a long moment. Adora almost went tense again, thinking she’d finally screwed this all up, but Catra finally spoke.

“I w-want you to know that I am not going to push you away because things get hard. I was dumb in the past, but I’m trying my best not to be anymore. You’re stuck with me for as long as you’ll have me. I…” She swallowed. “Okay?”

No air seemed to be passing through Adora’s lungs, so she nodded fervently into her shoulder instead. The attention would have been too much if it had been from anyone else. Catra had been gentle and thoughtful all day—always ready to stop or do something different if Adora needed it. Adora didn’t deserve it, but somehow Catra was still offering. Adora could give her what she wanted in return.

“So,” Adora said. “How soon can you and Perfuma help me find a therapist?”

Catra gasped. “Really?”

Adora lifted her face and offered her a shy smile and a nod.

“We’ll start looking tomorrow. I’ll email Mel and see what they know,” Catra said, beaming a smile back at her.

Holy shit, Adora loved her.

She knew that of course, had felt it for a while now, but she couldn’t deny it anymore than she could deny how perfect the date was. Catra wanted to stay with her even after seeing all of her weaknesses and vulnerability, and she showed Adora her flaws and mistakes in return. And Adora loved her so fucking much.

She should say it. Should tell Catra that she loves her and will always want her.

But Hope and Glimmer and part of herself standing at the edge of a lighthouse tower, hang heavy in her mind. They would always be there in her mind, ready to tear Adora and her life apart—Catra along with them. And Adora couldn’t do that to Catra, couldn’t hurt her again after all that she’d gone through. Therapy could help her keep it together, but maybe it won’t and maybe Adora will mess this up if she moved too fast and did something as huge as confess her love.

Catra squeezed her hips a little, rubbing circles into her sweater with her thumbs, pulling Adora back to reality.

“What are you thinking about?” Catra asked.

There were so many ways she could answer that. She was thinking about how terrified she is of losing her or how undeserving she is of Catra or how beautiful Catra looks—swaying back and forth under the pink and blue gym lights, relaxed and open with tired eyes and a soft smile—or maybe how Adora hadn’t even known what love was before she met her, before Catra taught her.

But she couldn’t say any of those things. Instead she whispered a quiet, “You,” as she leaned in to kiss her. Catra's eyes fluttered as she deepened it.

The people around them could be damned. Adora didn’t care if they saw. She couldn’t say that she loved Catra, but she could at least show it.

That had to be enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that for fluff huh? You get to see almost all the characters in one fun chapter before the angst comes back full swing next chapter. Things are starting to wrap up so get ready.
> 
> I am hoping to keep up the momentum and give you updates every other week but with school starting up again this week who knows how that will go. However on my tumblr (ecrooked24) I am going to be posting sneak peaks and background on how each song fits with each chapter and songs that I almost did instead so keep an eye out for those. As always interacting with me here or on tumblr just makes me more and more motivated!
> 
> Fic Playlist----> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=rFJfF8v8S1OeY1pxoywrSg


	17. There Before the Threshold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Adora's POV
> 
> Cw: heavy on the past abuse both verbal and physical so be careful 
> 
> Dear Wormwood -The Oh Hellos  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/2dtcNplc1W8GFAo9LPzLri?si=LThH3SxlT-iYPDyG5ZTR5A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the delay and I'm sorry if this chapter is a little rougher than usual. This semester is absolutely kicking my ass and my brain is fried.  
> I hope y'all enjoy it anyway!

_There before the threshold_

_I saw a brighter world beyond myself_

_And in my hour of weakness_

_You were there to see my courage fail_

_For the years have been long_

_And you have taught me well to sit and wait_

_Planning without acting_

_Steadily becoming what I hate_

_I have always known you_

_You have always been there in my mind_

_But now I understand you_

_And I will not be part of your designs_

_I know who I am now_

_And all that you've made of me_

_I know who you are now_

_And I name you my enemy_

Catra waited alone in the video call for a moment before they joined. The name Dr. Mel Logan appeared on her laptop screen and then the image joined.

“Sorry I’m a little late,” they said as they loosened the scarf around their neck and got situated at their desk. “So how did your big date go?”

“What no pleasantries? No small talk? Aren’t we friends, Mel?”

She waved her hand with a flourish as she teased, but Mel just cocked an eyebrow and waited.

“Fine,” Catra sighed. “Guess we are getting straight into things.”

She gave them the full rundown of how it had gone—how she’d done so much better at not freaking out when Adora had to pull away because of her own freak out. Every time it still had threatened to send her spiraling, but she had done her best to breathe and talk through it. However, one good day didn’t mean a bad wouldn’t happen again.

“So now that you two have finished your date competition, you have to do what you promised, right? How are you feeling about facing the house again?”

Catra shuddered involuntarily. She hoped Mel didn’t catch it through the video, but she really doubted it. “We have a day set. Adora is going to help.”

Mel nodded slowly. “And what about the letter?”

She picked at the wood of her desk instead of looking at them. “Still haven’t opened it. I will, I just have so much homework and finals start in like a week, so I don’t want to add that on top of all the stress of failing.”

“We both know that you aren’t going to fail. You have been working consistently for months. I think there is something else keeping you from reading it.”

“Well duh,” Catra huffed. “That bitch made my life hell. Of course, I wouldn’t want to open the letter. She always hated me when she was alive so why would it be any different now. It’s probably a whole long tirade about how worthless I am and how disappointed she is in me or maybe how I wasted all the potential she gave to me.”

“Then why do you even keep it? All the necessary information was in her will. You could just throw it away and take away her voice.”

“I can’t just—what if—” Catra groaned and dropped her head into her hands.

“You don’t have to throw it away if you don’t want to Catra,” Mel said gently. “We just need to know what you are expecting from this letter, so we can figure out how to prepare you for it.”

“I just told you. It’ll probably be more of her horrible manipulative bullshit. That’s what this whole giving me the house fiasco is about. Weaver never gave me anything unless there was a hidden condition. I should just throw it away like you said.”

“Okay, okay, then what would you want to be in the letter if it was the best case scenario? What are you hoping to get out of it if it’s not more abuse?”

She sighed and let her hands run down her face. “I don’t know. I guess I just… I just want to know why. Why she treated me like she did. Maybe she’ll have some sort of explanation for why she adopted me and then treated me like shit. And why she decided to give me all her stuff after that.”

“So it would give you closure? That’s what you want?”

“Of course, I want closure. Wouldn’t you?”

They nodded. “Yes, but I wouldn’t want you to seek closure at such a risk. Burning the letter and choosing to silence her forever could you give you closure too and doesn’t have the possibility of sending you into a self-destruction spiral or triggering a relapse.”

She wanted to growl and lash out, but she knew Mel would just take it until she’d exhausted herself and then try again—they’d dealt with her long enough to know how it worked.

“You’re not wrong,” she sighed, “But the explanation wouldn’t just give me closure.”

“What would it do?” they urged.

“It would… it would help me to know how to not be like her. I hate her, but she still raised me, and I know she made me like this. I know that I am like her. She would lash out and had troubles with addiction and knew how to get people to do the things she wanted just like me.” She gestured at herself with shaky hands. “I just don’t understand. People give inheritances to people they love not someone they treated like a fucking punching bag. Those things don’t go together.”

Her voice cracked with the last words. But Mel didn’t say anything. They just waited, somehow knowing like they always did Catra had more she needed to say.

“I guess I have been putting off the letter so long because what if I read it and she tries to tell me she loved me all along and that’s why she left me the house. How could she love me when she… she hurt me like she did? B-but I…” Her voice shook harder. “I l-love Adora and I still hurt her. What if I am more like her than I want to be?”

Now Mel answered. “Has Adora ever hurt you too?”

“What?”

“Has she?”

“Yes, but she doesn’t ever mean to. She’s not like that. Not like me.”

They were relentless. “Do you want to hurt Adora right now?”

“No, but I have in the past. Before… before the storm, I lashed out and I wanted it to hurt. I wanted it to make her leave me alone. What’s to stop me from doing that again?”

“You are,” Mel said firmly. “You’ve told me over and over again how much you regret what you did—for all the mistakes you’ve made. You’ve changed so much since we first started meeting. You can see at least how different you are now from then right?”

Catra nodded slowly.

“Then trust me when I say you can keep changing and growing. People can hurt the ones they love, but they can make up for it and work on getting better. You do that and that’s what makes you different from her.”

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She swiped at them with the back of her hands. “Why do you always have to make me cry?” she groaned.

They shrugged and smiled.

“Thanks Mel.” Catra let out a long breath. “I… I needed to hear that.”

“Of course, that's what I’m here for. Now let’s talk about some more strategies to help you to keep getting better at handling those emotions and triggers.”

Catra parked in front of the house like everything was normal. They stepped off her bike, and she stowed the helmet just like she always did. And when Adora’s hand slipped into her own as she opened the gate and they walked along the pathway up to the door, Catra could almost pretend like this was just a house and nothing else—no trauma, no memories, no traces of _her_ in every corner.

Almost.

They halted in front of the door. Catra reached into the pocket of her jacket; her shaky fingers moved deliberately around the envelope tucked inside, keeping from touching it, and found the solitary key. As she pulled it out, her hands didn’t stop shaking and she couldn’t get it to stick into the keyhole.

“Here let me.” Adora wrapped her other hand around Catra’s and eased the key from her fingers. She unlocked the door and pushed it open before turning to give her an encouraging smile. “Remember, we’re going at your pace. We can stop whenever you want.”

Catra nodded, her eyes flicking between Adora and the gaping dim doorway yawning open in front of her. Adora squeezed their clasped hands.

It wasn’t hard to see the excitement in her eyes even as she tried to focus on Catra. All morning she’d been like that—perky and positive and all the things Catra had been feeling increasingly the opposite of since they’d made their plans to come today. It was like they’d traded places; Adora had been a ball of anxiety with her first therapy appointment steadily getting closer. Catra had been the one encouraging her then—she had even pushed her to focus on this new task as a way to cope, but now that they were here and a storm of emotions was building in chest Catra was starting to wonder if that was a good idea. But Catra didn’t bring it up. She just didn’t want to disappoint Adora.

Swallowing to try and dispel the dryness in her throat, Catra took a step into the house. And then another and another until she and Adora were in the front room.

She hadn’t been inside since that rainy day when she'd rescued feverish Adora. It smelled worse than she remembered. Mold and dust and dirt on every surface. It seemed to reach out and cling to her, sinking into her skin and settling as a deep feeling of discomfort.

Adora stepped out in front of her, toeing at the cigarette burns in the carpet. “I don't remember it being this bad.”

“Well you were like half dead from exhaustion and the flu when I dragged you in here. You passed out on the couch as soon as I laid you down.”

Adora winced and then shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry.” She moved over to Connor's tan recliner-- no it was Catra's now; Weaver was gone—and ran her hand over the wine stains.

“It’s crazy to think we barely even knew each other then. And now we are...” she gestured between them as if she was trying to say something big. Finally, she said “girlfriends” but from the look on her face it didn't quite catch the whole meaning.

Or maybe Catra was just imagining that. Adora was much more to her than just a girlfriend. More like her partner, her person, her love.

_You'll never be those things to her_

Catra jumped at the voice, swiveling around ready to see Weaver leering over her shoulder. But there was only the empty entryway and the closed door.

“You okay? What’s wrong?”

Catra jumped again, and Adora stepped close to her. Hands ready to comfort; her eyes were wide, questioning and worrying.

“Yeah,” Catra sighed, forcing herself to take a deep breath, “This house just makes me jumpy. I'm sure once we get started, I won't even notice though. “

That wiped away the worry from her face. Adora stepped back, took the backpack off her back, and knelt down with it. She pulled out garbage bags and rags and more cleaning tools than should have feasibly fit. “Do you want to start from the front and work towards the back or start in the back rooms and move towards the front?”

Catra looked around, trying to weigh her options. Back meant she'd have to go through her old room and Weaver's—a sure way to dredge up unpleasant memories... but the closet was closer to the front.

“Let's start in the back,” Catra said. She scooped up an armful of cleaning supplies and headed towards the back, avoiding that particular hallway.

Adora was right behind her and when they got to the first room-- Weaver's office—she went ahead, diving right in to picking up cigarette buts and scraps of paper here and there. But Catra was stuck, frozen in the doorway. Weaver used to sit there and work on her mayoral duties, until she lost her job then would sit and drink and scowl at her computer, muttering curses. The door had always been left open, Weaver had never been one to miss an opportunity to catch Catra walking by and call her in. She never ran out of cruelties to throw at her.

Catra squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on the feeling of her nails against her palms instead of remembering the biting words she had said. It took a couple moments to pass before she could open her eyes again.

And there was Adora, standing over the old hag’s desk and looking through the papers with a determined look on her face, all to help Catra—such a contrast to the past. If only Catra was as distracted from problems as Adora was.

“Do you think any of these old documents are worth saving?” Adora said—unaware of Catra's paralysis. "We could go through them, but most seem really old."

Catra forced herself to step beside her and look down at the paper in front of Adora. “No, we should just trash these. She kept all of her financial documents in a file in the drawer and important papers in her safe.”

“How do we get into the safe?”

“They told me the code in the will, but I had figured it out since I was a kid anyway. It was the day of her first mayoral election. She would never stop yammering about it. Always reminding me that she had a reputation that I was ruining.”

Adora chuckled quietly and pressed against her side in an obvious attempt to help her feel better; Catra could feel the vibration run through her. It wasn't enough to drive away the feeling of discomfort, but it lightened at least a little. If Adora was happy and distracted from her anxiety about therapy that was all that mattered.

Catra could take this.

They worked on Catra's old room next. It was already almost empty—cleared out and left probably as a message to remind Catra of her mistakes. But Catra tried not to focus on that and instead on how much easier it would be to clear out the room now.

“Well I think that's all we can do in this room for now. Let's move to the next.”

But that was—

Adora was up and through the door already. Catra could hear the door of the next room unlatch and swing open.

Catra got up from her spot on the floor, rising inch by inch and trying to breathe through the restricting pressure in her chest. Adora was talking still, she could hear her voice echoing, dulled by the walls separating them but to Catra it was like she was under water all the noises warbled. Air quickly fading from her lungs. Waves pushing her down deeper and deeper.

Her feet brought her into the room before she really knew it. It might have been the cleanest in the house. But Catra could smell her. The thick and heavy stench of the old perfume she used to wear mixed with the lingering stink of cigarette smoke that had soaked into every inch of the house. Adora moved around the room, looking at things and probably talking, but Catra felt like she was miles away. Her own mutinous feet brought her deeper in out of some deep ingrained habit—every time she had ever stepped foot in that room, she had no control of what would happen. Why would now be different?

She stepped around the edge of the massive king size bed that filled the room. She didn’t want to look, but her eyes went there without her permission. Over the wooden knob on the frame at the foot of the bed hung the long and worn leather belt. It had always hung there her whole life; ready for the nights that Weaver called her into the room, ready for the times when her jagged words weren’t enough to rip Catra apart. She flinched—the crack of the leather and the stabbing pain echoed in her mind. But she couldn’t look away from it. Her vision pulsed and blurred with the heavy beating pace of her heart.

When a hand reached out and grabbed the belt, Catra yelped.

“Catra?”

Her eyes finally moved from the hands and belt up to Adora’s worried face.

“Are you okay?” she asked stepping towards, belt still in hand.

Catra shuffled backwards away from her.

“What’s wrong? What did I do?”

Her throat felt too tight to speak, but she looked down at the belt and then back up at Adora, trying to somehow get her to understand.

“This?” Adora asked, lifting the belt up a little higher. She didn’t try to step closer again. “I was just collecting the odds and ends floating around putting them in a pile on the floor over there.” She pointed, and Catra saw the collection of boots and jackets and scarves—that’s what Adora must have been doing while Catra was getting caught up in all this. “What do you want me to do with it?” Adora asked.

“Away,” Catra croaked. “Put it away… where I won’t see it.”

Adora nodded and moved over to her pile. Catra watched as she coiled it up and shoved it into one of the boots. She had thought it not being able to see it would take the edge off the panic steadily growing in her chest, but it was still there, relentlessly tearing at her resolve to stick this out for Adora.

She watched Adora approach her again, slowly with her hands out to show she didn’t have it anymore.

When she was a few feet away Adora asked, “Can I hold you?”

Catra nodded, and Adora enveloped her. Digging her nails into Adora’s shirt and buried her nose into her neck letting her smell overwhelm the stink of the room, but still her heart raced, and breathes came shallow.

“Why don’t we take a break? We can eat the sandwiches we packed?” Adora suggested.

Catra forced herself to fill her lungs to capacity and let it out slowly. It didn’t help really, but at least she felt like she could pretend again.

“Okay, that sounds good.”

She let Adora guide her back to the front room where their bag was. Adora got out their sandwiches wrapped in plastic and handed one to Catra. They sat down on the floor together; at first there was a space between them, but Catra closed it, pressing her side to Adora’s—a rickety dam holding back a tide of emotions.

They ate quietly, munching and leaning into each other. Adora finished her sandwich in a minute while Catra had only forced a few bites down and her stomach churned like she was going to throw just that up.

Adora’s arms came around her and held her as she had a staring match with her sandwich. Fingers rubbed circles along her waist and sides. The dam growing a little bit stronger. Then the arms stiffened.

“We got some good work done so far. If you want, we could call it a day?”

Catra knew Adora didn’t want to do that. She also knew that Adora didn’t mean for Catra to realize that because she was giving up her own desire for what others wanted just like she always did. She would sacrifice her method of coping to help her. But if Adora could sacrifice then so could Catra.

“No, it’s okay. I’m feeling better. But… what if we worked outside for a bit. It’s cold, but I don’t think it’s raining and there’s an old shed and a bunch of junk outside we can start cleaning up.”

She felt Adora nodded behind her.

Then Adora sucked in a breath to say something else. “I can feel the letter in your jacket.”

Catra’s heart started jackhammering again.

“I know you want to read it, and I know it’s scary but she’s not here anymore. You don’t have to be afraid—”

“Adora stop”, she tried to say but suddenly she couldn’t breathe again.

“And I’ve been thinking, and maybe if you read it now this place won’t seem so scary. You’ll have some closure and then we can finally get rid of this place for you—”

The dam groaned and shook as panic and fear and anger beat against it.

“I just hate that this is hurting you so much and I want to help somehow. So I thought since you brought it, we could read it together. Or if you think it’s too much, I could read it for you and tell you if it's good or bad and everything would be okay and… oh. Your sandwich.”

Catra looked down at her hands and the remnants of the sandwich squished and into her clenched fists. Crumps and spinach had fallen into the carpet.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Adora said, “I’ll fix it.” She forced her hands open and collected up the bits of broken sandwich.

Catra just stared down at the crumbs and her hands—the dam held together by a strand of willpower steadily fraying by the second with the water of panic rising again.

Adora suddenly stood. “It’s alright. I’ll—I’ll find a vacuum. There’s got to be one. Maybe in that closet down the hall.”

Catra was wrong. She couldn’t take it. The strand snapped and the dam started to collapse. And when Adora turned to run towards the closet, Catra grabbed her arm and yanked her back hard.

“Will you for one moment stop trying to fix things! I don’t need your fucking help!”

The moment of Catra’s pull sent Adora tumbling face first to the ground in front of where she sat. Slowly Adora pushed herself up, and she twisted to look up at Catra. Her blue eyes were drenched with fear and pain.

Catra had hurt her again.

The floods came barreling over the ruins of the dam, pouring into every inch of her. She was up and running before the tears started to fall. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, couldn’t think. But she ran until she hit the backsliding door and with shaking hands, she pulled it open and dashed out into the cold air.

Adora didn’t call after her. Didn’t follow her either.

She’d fucked up. She thought she could be better, but she couldn’t. The house was the same and she was the same.

And the shed in the backyard was the same—the door still twisted on its one hinge just enough for Catra to squeeze through and the dark corner she used to hide in as a kid until she got too cold or hungry was still there. Light filtered in through the dirty window on the door—enough to remind Catra that this wasn’t the closet.

Oh fuck, Adora had almost opened the closet. Opened it to let the dark pull Catra in and swallow her whole, so she’d lashed out just like she always did. And then left Adora with no idea what the hell was going on. If she was Adora she would leave. Leave Catra and her mess and never let her hurt her again. She would deserve it. She didn’t need Weaver's voice to tell her that.

Catra curled into a ball on the ground, sobs wracked through her body, and she gasped for breath as her mind spiraled into darkness. 

* * *

Adora paced back and forth in the front room, tearing at her hair and trying to keep from crying. She'd done it again. Pushed too hard. Ruined everything. Failed the people who needed her most. You'd think after the last time she would have gotten a clue and not been such an absolute idiot but no. She had only wanted to help and just like before she'd made everything worse. 

She ran over their conversation in her mind, trying to figure out where it all had gone wrong. It was the letter. She should have known Catra wouldn't want her help with that. But seeing Catra so freaked out had freaked her out and that meant she wanted to make it better and then she'd gotten them into this disaster. 

Adora fingers dug into her scalp. Catra hadn't been this mad at her since the storm. When something happened or Adora upset her, she rarely snapped and when she did she always apologized after she'd gotten some air and then they’d talk. But now... Adora almost whimpered. She couldn't keep herself from assuming the worst. What if neither of them had really changed? What if Catra realized dealing with her wasn't worth it? Wasn't worth constantly forgiving her mistakes and missteps? It was getting close to ten minutes since she had left. Usually she would have come back by now. That couldn't be a good sign. Maybe she should just leave. That way Catra wouldn't have to tell her to—easier for both of them that way. 

Adora stopped to stare towards the back door; Catra had been more than just angry through, she’d been jittery all day. Adora has seen the panic mixing with the anger before she'd run. She just wished she'd seen it before. She couldn't just leave her like that. She'd go and check on her and let her know she was going to find a ride to the lighthouse so that Catra could have the space she needed. 

Finally with a plan in mind, Adora went out to the backyard. But all she found was tall weeds and old junk. Catra wasn't there. 

Maybe she'd run. Left Adora. She hadn't heard the motorcycle but Catra didn't need that to leave. She knew this town and how to get around better than anybody. Adora walked further out into the yard looking to the edge of the fence and around the shed. Nothing.

Catra had left her.

Adora crumpled to her knees, trying to suck in breathes that wouldn’t come while tears rolled down her cheeks. She fell back against the shed as the first sobs ripped through her. 

A sob echoed back at her through the shed. 

“C-catra?” Adora hiccupped. 

Another gasping cry came from inside. 

Adora scrambled towards the door and found it slightly ajar. A beam of light cut into the dark, but all she could see was junk inside. 

“Catra?”

This time the responding sob came with a word. “Adora?” Catra breathed, so quiet she almost missed it. 

Pushing past the door, Adora followed the sounds of shallow breaths. 

Catra had curled into the furthest corner, her whole body shaking where she lay on the ground and her fingernails tearing into the skin of her arms. 

Splotches of red staining her skin. 

Adora itched to run forward and scoop her into her arms. To pull her hands away. To make it better. But she had to be better than that. She didn't even know if Catra wanted to see her anymore. 

So she knelt beside her without touching. “C-catra can you hear me can you—can you please stop hurting yourself?” 

Panicked eyes focused on her, seemingly noticing she was there for the first time. “Adora I'm sorry. I'm so—I’m sorry. I'm sorry.” Hands clenched tighter around her arms and her breathing became even more shallow, threatening to send her into unconsciousness. 

A sob of her own built up in her throat. She was so useless. She’d done this, screwed up and hurt someone she cared about. And yet again she was helpless to make it better. “Catra please it'll be okay just... Can I touch you? Please?”

Catra gasped and choked around her own cries, but she nodded her head. Adora only just kept herself from launching forward and instead moved slowly. She eased her hands between Catra’s and her arms. The nails dug into her own skin but Adora barely even winced, all her attention on the wide glazed eyes in front of her. 

“It’s going to be okay. Just please breathe. Remember how you helped me in the store that one time. Just like that. You can do it, I know you can.”

Adora released one hand to pull Catra forward into her chest and enveloping her. She kept whispering any encouraging word or phrase she could think of and let her fingers trace out patterns across Catra’s back. 

Every breath came a little deeper, and slowly Catra's body eased from its rigid tension into limp exhaustion against Adora's chest. As Catra quieted, Adora let her whispering stop leaving them in silence. 

Adora bit her lip to keep herself from breaking the quiet and apologizing. Catra deserved to choose when she was ready to speak. So Adora waited, still tracing patterns and trying to focus on her breathing like Perfuma had taught instead of spiraling into her own panic again. 

When Catra sucked in a breath to speak, Adora tensed ready for worse. 

“Please don’t le—“ Catra cut herself off with a shark breath, and sat up to look at her—the glaze was gone but some of the panic lingered. She bit her lip and started again. “Why did you come looking for me?”

“I was worried. I wanted to make sure you were okay…” Adora bit her tongue for a second before continuing. “Catra I’m so sorry. That was so stupid of me. I screwed up again and I shouldn’t have.” Tears threatened to reappear again, but she held them back—Catra didn’t need to feel guilty for this when it was Adora’s fault. 

Catra scoffed. “I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn’t have said those things especially when I knew they’d hurt you. I just got so caught up in my stupid emotions.”

“Because I was too pushy I just thought… I just thought it wouldn’t be as hard with me here and that you could do it, but I realize how stupid and self centered that was.”

Catra held onto her tighter and just breathed into Adora’s shirt for a few moments, before talking again.

“I should have told you what was going on. I just didn’t want to stress you out with, you know, everything going on for you.”

Adora barked a sad watery laugh. “If we were switched positions and I had said that, what would you tell me?”

“That you are a dumbass,” Catra hiccuped and chuckled a little as she wiped at the tear tracts on her face. We still are so awful about talking aren’t we?”

“I thought we were getting better, but I guess when it comes to the important things… not so much.”

“I really should have told you I needed to slow down instead of letting it just get bad like that”

“I should have been more aware and asked. Seems like we both have a lot of ‘should of’s.”

Catra hummed quietly to agree. They’d found solid ground again— and anchor in each other. Something to hold onto for as long as they needed to settle again. 

There still were things that needed to be fixed, but no matter how much she wanted to, today had reminded her this was a two person deal. They just had to find some way to communicate what they needed from each other. A thought popped into her head. 

“What if we used like code words to check in with each other?”

Catra laughs—a real laugh, voice raspy from the crying, but still good to hear even if it was Adora’s expense.

“What? It's not that bad of an idea.”

“This,” Catra gestured around at the shadows and junk around them, “Was not how I imagined us talking about safe words for the first time.”

It took a second to process, but then Adora’s face started to burn with a blush she knew was bright red. “I didn’t—that’s not—we don’t—”

“Adora, it's okay.” Catra moved her hands to grip onto Adora’s arms and draw her back. “I think it’s a good idea. But I don’t think we should use colors or people think we’re being kinky in public.” Adora blushed again and Catra smirked. “Unless you’re into that.”

Adora groaned and shoved her, but the groan shifted quick to a gasp and giggle. Catra had snuck her hands to Adora’s sides and poked and tickled her. Adora tried to wriggle away, but Catra was relentless, so of course she had to try and tickle her back. They rolled and wrestled across the floor, laughing until tears came. When they had finally laughed themselves out, Catra lay draped across Adora’s— both their chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath.

A couple beats later, Adora asked, “What if we just did something simple like go, slow, and stop?”

Catra scooched forward to lay her head against Adora's shoulder and then looked up to give her a nod and a smile. She never once stopped touching Adora—her arms wrapped, hands holding, and legs tangled like she couldn’t stand any distance between them. After thinking everything was going to fall apart, Adora couldn’t blame her. She felt the same. 

“That sounds good to me,” Catra finally said. “So when one of us asks for a check we can say where we are at. Or if we are just feeling bad without the other one noticing we can just say it without, you know, actually saying what’s wrong since that seems to be two hard for us.”

“Deal…” The thought of trying to face the house and all its triggers again made her stomach churn, but she’d be better. They both would. She would do whatever Catra thought best. “Where do you want to go from here—I mean when we want to go back outside?”

“I don’t think I can go back inside today. But we could work out here? This shed obviously needs some cleaning?”

Adora nodded. She could do that. They could do that. 

They pulled each other up to their feet, and—still holding to one of Adora’s hands—Catra kicked open the door of the shed. It twisted and flopped against the wall on its broken hinges. Light pushed into the room and cut into the shadows. They surveyed the work ahead of them for a moment. 

Adora peaked a glance over at Catra. She didn’t see any sign of distress, but she wanted to be sure. “Check?” 

Catra’s black expression shifted into a smile, “Go.” 

Adora smiled back and side by side, they started to go through the old shed. 

By late afternoon, they had pulled almost everything out and decided what to keep, throw away, or sell—the throw away pile was by far the largest. They put coverings over everything to keep it out of the weather, and then they were ready to head home. 

Catra cut through the front yard while Adora went back inside to get their stuff and lock up. Even without growing up there and having all the terrible memories to deal with, the house was eerie. Adora moved fast, jumping at every creak and rumble she knew was just the house settling but couldn’t help but imagine Weaver’s evil ghost appearing from the dark corners. She couldn’t imagine how Catra had lived there as a child. She ran for the door—completely spooked—and slammed it behind her, using Catra’s key to lock it. 

When she made it down the path to the bike, she found Catra leaning against it staring down at the crinkled envelope in her hands. 

She glanced up at Adora—a little of that glazed panic back—before looking back down at the letter. “I said we’d read it. 

“We still can.” Adora let her hands gently cover Catra. “But you don’t have to right now. Or today. Or ever if you don’t want to. There Are no rules or time limits or anything. Okay?”

Catra nodded, slow and intentional. “Okay, let’s go home.”

The drive to the lighthouse felt shorter than normal. Adora didn’t have enough time to enjoy clinging to Catra or the rush of the wind around them before they were pulling off the highway and walking across the stones and tide pools up to the house. She’d spent so much energy thinking about how the morning would go, she hadn’t even considered what she’d do after. 

There was nothing to distract her now. 

Adora got started on dinner while Catra climbed the ladder to get some clothes to change into after she showered—leaving her alone with just her thoughts and the veggies waiting to be chopped. 

She tried to think about just slicing. Knife in hand and the thunk as she cut through the onions and potatoes. Bringing it up to slam down against the cutting board. Harder than she needed to. Only pretending to be in control. 

Just add to the list of things she’d have to explain to her new therapist. 

The next slice came down a little too close to her fingers and yelped a little pulling her hand back fast. 

“Hey careful!” Catra said as she came down the ladder, a bundle of clothes under her arm. “The last thing we need today is to make a hospital trip.”

Adora plastered a sheepish smile on her face before turning around. “Sorry, my stomach is running the ship not my brain I guess.”

“What’s new?” Catra smirked. “You’re not going to cut off anything while I’m in the shower or do I need to take over cooking tonight?”

“No, no I’ll be fine.” She waved her hands, motioning her towards the shower—realizing a little too late the gesture was a lot more menacing with a kitchen knife in hand.

But Catra just laughed and stepped into the bathroom. The door closed, and Adora let her mask fall. 

They’d just talked about communicating. Why had she lied like that? But the truth would mean talking and talking was just the thing Adora was freaking out about again. She put the knife down and then gripped the edges of the counter. 

She shouldn’t be freaking out about this. Catra went to therapy and liked it; why would it be different for Adora? And she had been talking to Catra more about her feelings—even though it usually felt like pulling teeth—so it couldn’t be that bad right? Still the thought of regurgitating all her weakness and mistakes out in front of a stranger for them to pick through and judge made Adora want to really throw up. 

Some part of her mind recognized the Catra’s phone starting to play music and then the sound of the shower coming along right after to muffle it. It was distant and fuzzing among her heavy thoughts until Catra joined. Her voice, soft and strong, filling in harmonies and playing with the melody was just enough to drag Adora back to the present—a little dose of calm to ease her thoughts at least for the moment. 

She let her mind focus on Catra’s singing as she finished cutting up the vegetables and got the rest of the dinner ready. By the time Catra was out the stir fry and rice were almost done. 

Catra ran her fingers through her short hair as she approached. “Why don’t you go shower and I’ll finish this up?”

Adora nodded and passed over the utensils. Maybe a hot shower would be just what she needed to finally ease all the tension from her mind like soreness from the muscles after a long day of work.

Later, upstairs in the bedroom, Adora knew it most definitely had not. Her anxieties had steadily grown as the water beat against her back, and then more while she and Catra ate, and now as she sat beside Catra on the bed while she worked on her final paper and Adora pretended to write, her thoughts thundered inside her. 

She ran her fingers over the keys of her laptop, trying to give herself some sort of sensation to focus on instead. It didn’t work. Nothing was working. She felt like she wanted to curl into a ball and run outside and keep going until she collapsed at the same time.

This would be a perfect moment to use their codewords. Adora knew it. But Catra was stressed about her approaching deadline for this paper. Adora could give her at least a little more time to work on it before pulling her away. 

She’d meditate. That had to work, and then she would have a success story to tell Perfuma. She straightened her back and tried to make her chest soft, filling and collapsing slowly as she breathed. Her head would empty, and she’d push away any stray thoughts. 

Except her head didn’t empty. And it wasn’t just a few strays, it was a horde. So many, too many to push away and with every breath they got closer and closer. What would she say tomorrow? What if the shrink looked at her like she was crazy? Or how Glimmer had? What if—

“Slow.”

The word erupted from her mouth like a wheeze—quiet and breathy. 

The clack of Catra’s typing immediately stopped. Adora’s computer was lifted off of her lap, but she couldn’t move her eyes off their fixed point on her hands to look up at Catra until a hand cupped her cheek. 

“Hey, it's okay. I’m here. What’s going on?”

Adora opened her mouth, but nothing came out. A flash of regret rippled through her chest. She didn’t want to talk about this. She just wanted to not feel this way at all. Just wanted it to go away. 

“It’s about tomorrow, right?”

Adora nodded; she could do that at least. 

“It's going to be okay. I promise. And if at any point you don’t like the therapist or its too much you can just walk out.”

She nodded again, but the anxiety still wracked her brain and constricted her lungs. 

Catra moved her other hand up to Adora’s face as well and rubbed smell circles along her cheeks with her thumbs. 

“What can I do to help you? What do you need?”

That threw Adora out of her spiral. What did she need? She had been doing fine (well relatively) until they’d finished with the house project for the day. She needed something like that again. She needed—“Distraction.” 

Catra’s eyebrows scrunched with confusion. 

Adora rushed to explain herself, pulling away from Catra’s hands so she could hide her burning face. “I just need something to distract me, so I don’t think about tomorrow. Maybe I should watch a movie or do some push-ups or—” 

“Or I could distract you.”

Adora looked back at her with wide eyes. “But you have your paper.”

“It’s not due for like a week and a half. And I’m not making any progress tonight anyway.” 

Slowly, Catra crawled up to straddle Adora’s lap and braced her hands against the wall on either side of Adora’s head. “I can think of a few ways to distract you… if you want.”

If her face had felt hot before, now it might as well have been melting. “I-I—want.”

“Good,” Catra whispered, leaning in to press the first kiss to Adora’s throat. Then another and another until she kissed her way up to Adora’s lips, slightly agape,panting a little already.

Then Adora kissed her—wrapping her hands around Catra’s back and pulling her flush against her. Catra chuckles vibrated along her skin making Adora shiver—open and willing as Catra pressed in firmer and took control. 

And Adora. didn’t fight her. Her thoughts narrowing to Catra and nothing else as they traded kisses and presses of warm lips against the skin and roaming touches and shuddered moans until they both were pulled into quiet content oblivion. 

In the morning Catra stuck by her side, holding her as long as she could before they were forced to get out of bed and then always keeping some form of connection as they got ready—side against side, hands pressed to bear patches of skin, Catra’s arms around Adora’s waist as they made their breakfast only for Adora to match the action while they drove to Scorpia and Perfuma’s house. 

With the couple at work, Adora and Catra had the house—and it's better wifi—for themselves. They got Adora set up with her laptop in Catra’s room, everything ready for Adora to meet with her therapist while Catra would wait patiently in the front room. 

Adora stood stiff in the desk chair while Catra finished setting up the space. “Dr. Logan said this lady was good right?”

Catra huffed a little laugh. “I told you, you can just call them Mel and yeah, they said that Spinerella is even better than them. If I wasn’t already attached to Mel, I’d be jealous.”

“Okay cool. Cool, cool, cool,” she said as she rubbed her sweaty over her jeans. 

Suddenly the chair was pushed away from the desk, and Catra came to stand in front of her. “You’re going to make me be sappy again.” Catra groaned as she took Adora’s hands and held them clasped together in between them. 

“Adora you’ve gone through so much and yet you’ve come out of it as a kind and loving person because you are the strongest person I know. If you can do that then I know you can survive this. It might not be the most comfortable at first, but therapy is nothing compared to what you’ve already done in your life.” She squeezed her hands a little tighter. “And if you can’t do it today that’s alright because someday, you’ll be able to do it because you’re a badass, Adora. And I’ll be by your side to help the whole way.” 

Adora looked up at Catra questioning but patient eyes—as if she were ready for whatever Adora decided even if it was to give up and try again some other day. 

“Okay.” Adora gave a short firm nod. “You won’t go far?”

Catra smiled softly. “Far enough you’ll have privacy, but close enough that if you call, I’ll hear.” She looked over at the time and continued, “The appointment is going to start in just a minute. Will you be okay if I leave?”

She swallowed hard and nodded. 

Catra leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Alright, it’ll be okay. I promise.”

As Catra moved away, Adora held onto her hands and pulled her back before she could walk out the door. 

“Catra I—” The words burned in her chest—so close to coming out, so close to speaking them. But her throat closed and all she could say was, “Thank you.”

If Catra noticed she didn’t show it and instead she flashed one of her true smiles. “Of course, princess.”

With that, Adora was left alone with the computer. Robotically, she clicked the link and joined the session. A woman with long purple hair, a small smile, and light kind eyes appeared on the screen. 

“Hello Adora. How are you doing today?”

Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the nausea building in her stomach, Adora answered, “Fine… So how does this whole thing work?”

Her smile grew a little bigger. “Well first I’ll introduce myself and then we’ll get to know each other a little bit. I don’t think it’s very fair for me to expect you to share important parts of yourself without knowing anything about me. And then we’ll talk about why you wanted to meet with me and what you want to get out of this. Does that sound alright for you?”

That didn’t sound unmanageable, so Adora nodded.

“Okay then I’ll start. My name is Spinerella but you can just call me Spinny. I live in Kent with my wife Netossa, and I’ve been working as a therapist for eight years now.” She went on a little longer describing her schooling and some of her and her wife’s hobbies. 

Adora listened attentively—shifting back and forth between ease and unease as she grew more comfortable with Spinny but remember she still would have to talk about herself. 

“And what about you Adora? Tell me about yourself.”

All the nausea came back at once, threatening to make her vomit all over the floor. But she also remembered what Catra had said and how she was right outside—even with the distance Adora could feel her silent support. She could do this; she’d done harder. And she would do this. For Catra and for herself. 

Adora opened her mouth and started to speak with all the confidence she could, knowing that even if she didn’t always believe in herself Catra did. And that was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe not the angst you were expecting but be patient we still have five more chapters left. The next will be one last reprieve before the end really starts to get going.  
> Any suggestions for me? (any typos/grammar issues with? I went over this so many times but I'm so fried I doubt I did very well) Any thoughts, feelings you want to share? I love hearing from you all?  
> Also if I get to 1,000 kudos I will post the next three chapters of music meta!  
> I terms of the next update-- I have no idea when it will be but probably expect another wait. The workload of my classes are pretty intense and I am possibly going to get yet another job. But the comments really inspire me (and remind me) to somehow find time to write. Thank you all for sticking with me!
> 
> Fic Playlist----  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6rQ8sHs6RCtju2FOE1Jvy9?si=uJwS2pzaTtmQcry74_Kt3w


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